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March 25, 2005

Ode to a Troll

Note: The following was written in response to a troll who spammed Mike Malloy's board with right-wing garbage under several aliases. When I challenged him on his stupidities, he soon dropped the guff about wanting to "debate" in a "civil" manner, and waxed abusive. He even went to the length of googling for stuff I'd previously written (I'm not exactly anonymous) and offered unsolicited criticism of it, although it's highly doubtful that he could do better. (Those who can, do; those who can't, criticize those who can.) He also spammed two of my e-mail addresses with hateful vomit which I think reveals a lot more about him than it does about me. From it, I can basically divine that he's middle-aged, is hooked on drugs, masturbates a lot, doesn't like women but still wants this one's body in the worst way, and is just generally a no-talent asshat with delusions of adequacy. In short, a real charmer!

Apologies for the rhymey-dimey doggerel that follows, but trust me--this monkey deserves no better.

Begone, you fool who played the troll
On boards of uncorrupted soul!
Why do you think I give a damn
For you, pukestick of rancid ham?
I don't care for your right-wing 'toons
Based on lies aged many moons,
Nor have you right to lecture me
On subjects such as poetry.
I will not brook your foul abuse;
As for your ravings most obtuse,
They're good for laughs and nothing more.
You're back again? Oh, what a bore.
I do not care how much you claim
To have donated in my name
To your foul party, which is bound
To run itself into the ground.
I only ask of your conceit
That you please send me a receipt,
For tax time will be on us soon,
And I would like to reap a boon.
Besides, I'd like to see some proof
That this was not an idle spoof.
(You haven't got one? Oh, dear me--
The wingnut's lied again, I see.
This seems to be a common thing
With dullards of the far right wing.)
How would you like some gay porn spam,
Sir UkeStick, a.k.a. aND hAM?
It seems to me just recompense
For one who will not see good sense;
Whose aliases are duly writ
On my short list that's labelled Shit.
I'll take your every drop of drool
And post it here for ridicule.
If you persist in pest'ring me,
I'll forward to your ISP
Your each and ev'ry noisome screed
That violates their terms indeed
And only serves to build my case
That you're a pitiful disgrace.
They'll yank your plug, and none too soon
They'll boot your buttocks to the Moon.
And if your nose stays out of kilter,
I'll plonk you in my trusty filter.
Oh, what a waste of all your pain--
That I'll not read your spew again!
You'll raise your heart rate, but not mine,
And troll, that suits me simply fine.

March 18, 2005

Out 'em if you got 'em

The blog at has some powerful info on closeted, homophobic gay Republicans (that's spelled H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E-S, for the hard of comprehension among you.)

Now, ordinarily I'd plunk down on the side of privacy rights for gays because it's hazardous to be gay in a homophobic world, but there's a very good reason why these HYPOCRITES don't deserve them. I'll let Bob Fertik explain:

Jesus said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

It's time to expose every Republican gay-basher who is gay.

To be included, the individual must be:

* A Republican or conservative political activist

* Engaged in anti-gay advocacy or activism

* Gay or bi-sexual

* In the closet

Obviously the non-closeted members of the Log Cabin Republicans would not be included.

Not so hard to understand, is it? These people have made a career of working against their own, both as gays and Republicans, exploiting the sentiments of the bigots for personal and political gain while screwing around like gay bunnies in private. They are public figures who insist on having it both ways. (The Log Cabin Republicans, I'm sure, must be chagrined to have such strange bedfellows. As Fertik notes, these people aren't closeted, so outing them is beside the point.)

BlogActive and AmericaBlog (see blogroll, at left, for the links) have made it their business to ensure that the walk matches the talk, and that those who don't match up...don't get to rest easy. Plus Ex-Gay Watch (see blogroll) has made a point of showing up the hypocrisy of those who insist that gays can be cured, but who have shown themselves to be remarkably incurable.

I applaud these bloggers' efforts; it's a dirty and potentially dangerous job, with all the Repug-voting nutjobs out there wanting to kill queers. But someone's gotta do it. Might as well be gay bloggers who aren't hypocritical, and who are active in advancing gay rights on numerous other fronts. BlogActive has already claimed a number of homophobic scalps, and AmericaBlog has unravelled the strange, strange saga of the fake journalist, arch-hypocrite and very real prostitute, "Jeff Gannon".

It shouldn't be acceptable to be a whited sepulchre in Washington--or anywhere, come to that. The political is personal, and vice versa. Accountability should be more than just another word in the dictionary. If a gay Republican isn't honest and accountable to the gay populace, then what other regions of untrustworthiness might he occupy?

This is why I say Out 'em if you got 'em. Maybe if gay-bashing is taken seriously BY EVERYONE as a crime, instead of being used as it currently is for shameful right-wing partisan purposes, all gays will finally feel safe outside the closet. And then maybe we can all use our closets for their intended purpose: storing clothes, not skeletons.

(Full disclosure: I'm straight, but not narrow. Having a gay man for my best friend has been an incredible eye-opener when it came to bigotry and injustice. I had to face it in myself first, and overcome it there. I came to the conclusion that if my gay friends don't get equal rights on account of their being gay, then how am I to know that I will get equal rights as a woman? How are any of us to feel truly equal under the law, knowing that at least one in ten of us is not? Equal rights should be for everyone. None of this some-animals-are-more-equal-than-others bullshit! And none of this "we'll give you your rights when we're good and ready." Equal rights for all, or fascism. Them's your options, folks. Which will it be?)

Irony at the endgame

Is anyone besides me struck by the layers of irony inherent in all this? They are arguing about whether it's ethical to remove a feeding tube from a woman who is no longer able to feed herself. A woman who got that way, incidentally, as a result of self-induced starvation (an eating disorder which resulted in a fatal chemical imbalance in her brain.)

The only legal way in which the doctors may allow her to die with dignity, is to inflict the indignity of starvation by withdrawal of the already undignified life-prolonger that is artificial feeding. They can't euthanize her the way you or I could euthanize a suffering animal at the end of its life. A human death is thus less humane than that of an animal.

And meanwhile, in an effort to affirm the "dignity of life", they want to wheel her out to testify before Congress. Never mind that she can't testify; she has not the faculties to form a coherent thought, never mind speak. How is that supposed to be dignified, again?

Next up: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

March 15, 2005

Frogmarch! Perpwalk! Orange coveralls!

Bernie Ebbers has been convicted on ALL CHARGES. Woot!

Now, all we need to see is him cuffed and stuffed. Going up to the Big House for 85 years. Preferably to share a cell with a big biker-type named Butch. But what would satisfy me most is to see him being frog-marched up the perp-walk in orange coveralls. Leg irons would be a nice touch, too.

Ebbers is an ex-Canadian. Good thing he's not Canadian anymore; he's a disgrace to my home and native land and would probably be among the ranks of its own corporate criminals if he stuck around. I feel bad for the people of Mississippi, who got saddled with this god-awful crook. Sorry, neighbors-to-the-south. You didn't deserve him; nobody does, except maybe someone who's an even bigger crook, like Kenny Boy Lay, Karl Rove, or Dubya himself. Let's hope all of them get what they deserve, too--hey, maybe they'll even get to be bunkies together.

As it is, Canada has suffered abominably as a result of Bernie Ebbers, the homegrown corporate psychopath and former milkman from Alberta. Nortel Networks and JDS Uniphase are still struggling, thanks in no small part to his malfeasance. Thousands of Canadians have lost jobs over this. That's a lot of human lives RUINED, Bernie!

Meanwhile, Martha Stewart, who was in for a far lesser offence, has left the building. Wearing a very chic poncho which is being frantically copied by crocheters everywhere, even as I type this. (Mwahahaha...I was already on top of this trend before it really became one again, more than two years ago; I knitted a simple turtle-necked beauty of my own design, fingertip length, with fringe, in olive-green tweed wool. And it looks smashing on me, too. Ah, the advantages of being a crafty Gen-X hippie chick...)

But back to Bernie. Honestly, where to start with this contemptible con artist? Bad enough that so many people lost so much. But Ebbers then had the gall to try to blame it on the accountants. That didn't stick. How could it, when the truth emerged that Ebbers was so intimately involved in the fraud that he even personally abolished free coffee for the employees, installing vending machines instead?

And then he claimed it was out of his hands. That he had no idea what was going on. Yeah right, Bernie. Either you're the world's biggest dumbass, or the world's biggest crook. I vote both; you're a crook AND a dumbass. A crook because you stole $11 billion; a dumbass because you tried to lay blame in the last place where it would stick. You got caught in your own flypaper. Looks good on you, you conniving bastard. You don't even deserve to be in charge of a coffee urn, never mind a major corporation.

And you are persona non grata up here in the Great North. If you ever show your face up here again, I hope every geek who lost a job due to your criminality recognizes it--and spits in it.

Want to read some poetry?

No, it's not mine. But it's quite clever, and I like it...

BTW, if you want to read MY poems (among many others) on Swans, click here.

March 14, 2005

Just what every girl needs

It won't keep you from getting pregnant, or from landing in a loveless marriage because of it...but an Iron Hymen still makes a great conversation piece.

Oh, and SEX is for FAGS!!!

If you're a Bush supporter...

You're an asshole.

Did you know that?

March 13, 2005

The end is near. For some, it's here...

Funny how they all look so normal, even when they're bat-shit crazy. From the New York Times:

Terry Ratzmann, 44, left no suicide note and gave no explanation for the killings during Saturday's weekly meeting at a suburban Milwaukee hotel. It was unclear what specifically upset him, but Ratzmann was a member of the Living Church of God, a denomination whose leader recently prophesied that end times are near. (Italics mine.) don't suppose it upset him to learn that?

Ratzmann, a buttoned-down churchgoer known for sharing his homegrown vegetables with his neighbors, walked into the room and fired 22 rounds from a 9mm handgun. He even dropped a magazine and reloaded another.

Yep--it upset him, all right...

Neighbors said Ratzmann built his own greenhouse, kept a well-tended garden and even used humane traps to free squirrels that got in the yard.

"He wasn't a dark guy. He was average Joe,'' said Shane Colwell, a neighbor who knew Ratzmann for about a decade. "It's not like he ever pushed his beliefs on anyone else.''

But another neighbor called Ratzmann a drinker, and church members said he struggled with depression for years.

"Terry suffered from depression, on and off. When he was really depressed he didn't talk to people. Sometimes it was worse than others,'' said Kathleen Wollin, 66, who was sitting at the front of the room during Saturday's service.

Hell, I suffer from depression on and off, too. What this guy had wasn't depression. It's called PSYCHOSIS, people. Probably due to alcoholism, if that neighbor says true. In any case, it's nothing that religion can cure. Truth be told, religion can make these things a lot worse:

Earlier this year, the group's leader, Dr. Roderick C. Meredith, wrote that events prophesied in the Bible are "beginning to occur with increasing frequency.''

"We are not talking about decades in the future. We are talking about Bible prophesies that will intensify within the next five to 15 years of your life,'' he wrote in the church's magazine, Tomorrow's World.

Couple that with depression, drinking and a threatened job loss, and you have a human powder keg waiting to go off. And looking to take innocent others with him.

PS: A Daily Kos diarist has the lowdown on the shooter's church and "End Times" beliefs, and how much they have in common with--yes, DUBYA. Check it out. It's a doozer.

A 12-step program for ex-conservatives

Adapted from material originally posted on Mike Malloy's board...

It's time to stop enabling Daddy, and send the kids to Alateen. Or in this case, AlaBush.

What is AlaBush? A self-help group for recovering conservatives. Here's a little ad blurb for the radio spot:

"Are you BUSHED? Have you had it with rotten so-called leadership? Are you sick and tired of sick, tired old conservatism?

"Then join ALABUSH!

"We offer rehab and support services for ex-conservatives. We've been there and done that. Learn to stop enabling your politically dysfunctional family and friends--ask us how! Call 1-800-ALA-BUSH today!"

And here's what the 12 steps of our program would look like:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our politics - that our elections had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could drive us to utter madness, and its name was Bush

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God - but NOT in a fundie church, and definitely NOT under Jerry Falwell

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves - and realized that we were all f*cking hypocrites

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs - and it lay in voting Repugnican

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character - starting with the Thief in Chief

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings - and especially the Thief in Chief

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all - starting with the Democrats

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others - or result in more vote fraud

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it - and then smashed the Diebold machine that was tallying everything for Bush, even when the vote went to Kerry

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out - and while you're at it, God, can you carry that Thief in Chief out of the White House?

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs - which we had the good sense NOT to carry out with anyone calling himself "Jeff Gannon the Loose Cannon."

Next step: The Big Book. Alas, I haven't written it--YET.

March 11, 2005

From the "Well, DUH!" files

The Register notes that outsourcing to overseas is NOT all that and a bag of chips:

Although researchers from Gartner predict the market for outsourcing will grow from $8.4bn in 2004 to $12.2bn in 2007 they say 80 per cent of projects started to save money will fail to do so.

Despite the growth in outsourcing the overseas component of this will remain small. In 2005 less than two per cent of the call centre market is made up of offshore companies, rising to less than five per cent in 2007.

Up to 2008, 60 per cent of firms that outsource sections of customer-facing processes will suffer customer defections and other hidden costs which will outweigh any possible savings.

"Customer defections". That means people voting with their feet.

Makes sense: If you cheap out on phone support, the customer can always tell...and decide that you're not worth doing business with.

Now, when will someone twig to the fact that a lower profit margin is not a sign of failure but oh, maybe of caring enough to put more money back into the business, and by extension, the community--not the shareholders' already overstuffed pocketbooks?

A shot from the Gonzo Cannon

Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? Who among us can be happy and proud of having all this innocent blood on our hands? Who are these swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid little rich kids like George Bush? They are the same ones who wanted to have Muhammad Ali locked up for refusing to kill "gooks". They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the American character. They are racists and hate mongers among us--they are the Ku Klux Klan. I piss down the throats of these Nazis. And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck them.

--Hunter S. Thompson, sadly missed

They tell me the recently deceased Lono is going to have his ashes fired from a cannon.

That fits. Hunter S. Thompson's entire life and journalistic career were devoted to shooting himself from a cannon. The statement above being a perfect case in point, and a perfect opener for the inaugural entry to this blog.

Thompson's way with words, from obscenity to profanity, was beautifully balanced and varied, totally over the top, angry and addled and painfully, tragically right. The Doctor immolated himself with fiery lava-language so we wouldn't have to...or maybe so we could do the same ourselves, only safely.

Or maybe he just didn't give a shit. He was driving this crazy finned old convertible of his, high on God only knew what, shooting his pistol at random off to the side, and we were all just along for the ride.

But hell, what a ride. Even now, when the car has finally hit the wall (which we all knew it one day would), and everything's all stove-in and broke, and the hubcaps have rolled off into the bushes and we're all staggering, stunned and bloody, from the wreckage, we have to admit we were glad to be along for the ride. HST took us places we didn't have the courage to go ourselves, he freaked the fuck out of us all the way there and back, and we were all the better for it.

Why bother with newspapers, if this is all they offer? Agnew was right. The press is a gang of cruel faggots. Journalism is not a profession or a trade. It is a cheap catch-all for fuckoffs and misfits -- a false doorway to the backside of life, a filthy piss-ridden little hole nailed off by the building inspector, but just deep enough for a wino to c u r l up from the sidewalk and masturbate like a chimp in a zoo-cage.

-- HST, from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

This somehow seems so prescient, given what we're dealing with lately. Yeah, the whole "Jeff Gannon" thing. A cruel faggot? They don't come much crueler than James Dale Guckert. This one even wrote anti-gay articles under his pseudonym.

Ain't no homophobe like a closet case, and no whore like a right-wing media whore.

There's no chance you'd ever hear a squeak out of "Jeff" about the injustice of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, or how much it's cost the military--not only financially, but in readiness to fight terror. They lost translators who were fluent in Arabic, Farsi, Pashtu...people who could, perhaps, have helped prevent 9-11 by sifting something more definite out of all the terror networks' "chatter". And BushCo tossed these people out--why? Because of institutional homophobia. And perhaps for other, darker reasons, such as a need for a terror incident that would help shore up the case for implementing the PNAC agenda. But mainly, it seems, because they were gay.

And meanwhile, "Jeff Gannon", rentboy "reporter", homophobic scribe and Republican shill, got a free pass to sit in the White House press corps, where he didn't belong. And real journalists of long standing got the shaft. What was that shit again, about liberty and justice for all?

The results of institutional prejudice are always dirtier than whatever those prejudices were put in place to keep out. Forbid abortion, and you get whole maternity wards full of horribly maimed women, bleeding to death or dying of septic shock. Keep blacks down, and you get race riots, cross-burnings, and hangings from light posts. Keep women oppressed, and you reap the wrath of Medusa. And deny equal rights to gays, and you get an AIDS epidemic growing out of a culture that shouldn't be sub, and an impoverished military intelligence service. Oh, yeah--and you get "Jeff Gannon". Joy, joy!

I can't even refer to America's seat of government as the White House anymore. It is now besmirched beyond recognition. Back when the Clinton witch-hunts were on and everyone was sniffing the semen stain on Monica's blue dress, the right-wingers were wringing their hands and whining about how "the flag is falling".

Well, guess what, assholes--that flag would never have fallen had you not dragged it through the dirt yourselves. You're now reaping what you've sown, and by God, the weeds and tares look good on you. They're yours--OWN THEM. And see that film of toxic sludge all over the White House? That's yours, too. I don't envy whoever has the job of scrubbing that off. If there were any justice left in the world, you'd be doing the job with your own toothbrushes.

Meanwhile, though, you've made one helluva mess. I despair of seeing it cleaned up anytime in the foreseeable future. Unless you are held accountable, all of you, and SOON, things are just going to fester on. As it is, I see fascism all around to the due south of me, and I'm not comforted by the fact that a border lies between me and all that, any more than the Free French were when they saw Hitler's troops massing just beyond the Maginot Line.

WWHSTD? What would Hunter S. Thompson do?

Too late. He's gone.

Anyway, he was just one man, flailing ragefully at the corruption around him. He had the power to excoriate it, but not to spur real change in the end. The wrong guy won, and if nothing else, it gave him something to hurl inkwells at in a fine fit of psychedelically enhanced fury. Readers everywhere have been rejoicing ever since.

Fast-forward thirty years, and history has repeated itself, but for one thing: The Doctor is no longer in. Meanwhile, "Jeff Gannon"--joy, joy!--has piped up again.


Happy landings, Lono. Wherever your spirit may be.

Technology is wonderful sometimes...

...isn't it?

At long last, a REAL liberal media filter. Now, if only they could get it to work on conservative crap elsewhere on TV...

B(o)y George, that's not cricket

Former Culture Club frontman, Boy George, really wants to hurt Madonna--or at least, he really wants to make her cry. Why? He's mad at her for embracing Kabbalism, claiming that Kabbalists believe gays are diseased and can/should be cured. "She's such a hypocrite. This is the woman who has embraced homosexuality and used it to her advantage," says the artist formerly known as Mr. O'Dowd.

Well, I have a few problems with all that, George:

First, I'm not at all convinced that there are a whole lot of advantages to sharing a fake lesbian kiss onstage with Britney Spears. I think that if you're a fading '80s pop icon, you might do better to prove you've still got your mojo by releasing a new original song (or better still, a whole CD full of same); that faux-lesbian-for-shock-value thing gets old fast. Plus it looks as though it was more an official passing of the naughty-girl torch from someone who did it really well to someone who does it rather badly. Helluva comedown for Madonna--sorry, I meant to say Esther. But it's hardly an embrace of homosexuality; more a sissified simulacrum of it. (You'll notice in the photos that she and Brit-Brit don't embrace, either.)

Secondly, you got that information on Kabbalism from where? A TV documentary? Shyeah, that's informative. Why not pick up a good book on the subject? There's no shortage of them. (I hope Madonna/Esther is reading one right now; it would put her streets ahead of just tying a red string around her wrist to ward off the Evil Eye.)

Thirdly, gay and bisexual Kabbalists would (and rightly) take issue with that anti-gay thing. "Gay" and "spiritual" are not antonyms. And not every Kabbalist is an ultra-orthodox Jew. (She whom you accuse certainly isn't.)

Finally--has Madonna, er, Esther, actually said anything condemning homosexuality? I think I'd have heard if she had. In fact, the whole freakin' world would have heard, whether it wanted to or not. So where, again, is the hypocrisy?

Still, George, I know what you mean--using religion to justify homophobia is just not cricket. Or kosher, as the case may be. But man, you gotta learn to pick your fights better.