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Wankers of the Week, and other people who can fuck the hell off

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Who's been playing with themselves in public? Who needs to put it away before they get arrested for gross indecency? Well, this week, it is...

1. "Dr." Laura Fucking Schlessinger. You'd think she'd learn to practice what she preached and just shut the fuck up and go back to her kitchen like a good little Hausfrau from Hell. But no. In spite of all the sponsors who've dropped her crappy show, it's still a lucrative cottage industry, this fine art of being a queen bee who hates women. Get a load of this antifeminist wankfest:

For a long time, I was a career woman and that was it. I didn't want to have a baby. But I kept feeling as if something was not there. Then one day, I was watching PBS Nova, and a one-hour program they showed on the creation of a life. I just broke down. At that time, I was 35 and had already had my tubes tied. But in that moment, I realized what was missing: this womanly part of me. So I got married, struggled a bit to get pregnant and finally made it happen after a surgery.

Now, if that's not rubbing salt, I don't know what is. The question is, whose wound is she rubbing salt into--that of people who can no longer afford to work for a living (because their employers dicked them out of everything in the name of profit, including enough money for daycare), or herself at a certain age (by which she should surely have known better than to bawl over some stupid TV show)?

Christ, Laura, you sound like a woman who doesn't do a whole lot of thinking ahead of time. Maybe you should try it sometime, like before you wax all melodramatic again for the Wall Street Urinal--or pose for some of the worst nude photos ever.

PS: That "life" you went out of your way to "create" sure turned out great.

2. Glenn Fucking Beck. Forget the fictional Bush Derangement Syndrome, this pasty doughball has a very real case of Obamamonomania:

This dude is so batshit crazy (and such a lousy, unconvincing crier when he gets "emotional" about his country) that a British comedian basically ate his lunch here:

On the not-so-funny side, he also has a massacre to answer for.

3. Camille Fucking Paglia. Turn up your speakers, kiddies, and hear the grating-voiced shrew of academic wanna-beism get it hilariously wrong once again:

Liberal hosts like to snap and snip and chortle snidely, but they are weighed down by a complacent superiority complex, a paralyzing sanctimony. They mistake irony for wit. The conservative hosts love to rant and stomp and bring down the house. They're doing breakneck vaudeville while liberal hosts are primly stirring their non-caffeine green tea.

Clearly, someone hasn't been listening to Mike Malloy. When he's done cleaning Rush Fucking Limbaugh's clock, maybe he can do hers. It sounds like it hasn't been keeping proper time for quite a while now. Just keeps saying "Cuckoo!" non-stop.

4. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. I was wondering what had happened to this tragic old trout after she took BushCo's money and ran. Well, now we have an answer: She's been busy trying to save poor oppressed heterosexuals' marriages from people who have not the slightest interest in breaking them up. Nice to know that all that taxpayer money has been so well spent. Maybe next time, the good people of the United States might want to chip in and get her one of these instead?

5. This fucking moran right here:

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I don't know what he's trying to say, and I suspect he doesn't either. But I do know this: Freedom of speech is wasted on people who can't formulate a coherent thought, much less spell it out correctly.

6. T. Boone Fucking Pickens. Look, dude: I don't know what you have against state oil companies, much less ones "run" by Chavecito (for the benefit of all Venezuelans, I might add). But if you wanna run your all-Amurrican gas guzzlers on natural gas, be my guest. How fast did you say you could fart, again?

7. Spencer Fucking Bachus. I had no idea this clown was until this week. I wish I still didn't, because he sounds like the reincarnation of Joe Fucking McCarthy.

8. Whoever the fuck thought it would be a good idea to use Canada as a proxy for US imperialism--and the destabilization "democratization" of Venezuela. Not MY home and native land, not with MY tax dollars, and not in MY name you don't, assholes!

9. And finally, anyone who thinks I'm being too hard on these whackjobs. Head out of ass, and fuck you very much.