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December 31, 2010

Dickweeds of the Decade

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Crappy New Year, everyone! I have a year-end confession to make: When I was a kid, going strictly by what the talking heads on the teevee said, I fully expected the 2000s to be awesome, full of glorious futuristic things like conveyor-belt sidewalks, aircars, jetpacks, mood lipstick, and oh yeah, world peace. Well, they weren't. None of those things they promised us ever materialized. Starting with that stupid Y2K hysteria (which I will never let the conspiracy freaks live down) and ending with...well, tonight, the first decade of the 21st Century has been one hell of a washout. Doesn't it feel good to put the Worst Decade Ever behind you? Don't worry, it will...when the hangover wears off. And it will. And if you need to blame anyone for making that last decade so goddamn fucking awful, I've got the list of prime suspects right here. Feel free to construct your voodoo dollies accordingly, and be sure to buy plenty of pins. And pitchforks, tar and feathers. Here they are, in no particular order:

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1. Alvaro Fucking Uribe. Oh, where to start with El Narco? The ironies are layered thick and deep with this one. He bombed Ecuador and repeatedly ordered illegal cross-border raids on Venezuela, then screamed that they were attacking him. He's on the State Dept.'s list of known cocaine traffickers from way back, yet they still heralded him as their best ally in the fight against cocaine trafficking. He's well known for his repressive measures (called, ironically, Democratic Security), and his links to right-wing narcoterrorist death squads and paramilitaries are no secret in the region, yet he was also the State Dept.'s golden boy of democracy and freedom and all that cal--because he was supposed to be their cat's-paw against Chavecito and El Ecuadorable. He even had spies in Europe! Alas, he was an epic fail on all fronts. Colombia is still as drug-and-crime-ridden as ever, the FARC and ELN are still there, and oh yeah--it's not a real democracy either, because all leftist parties have been ruthlessly extirpated, thus eliminating an entire spectrum of valid voter choices. If you're a Colombian, you get to choose between conservative, ultra-conservative, and flat-out fascist, with heavy pressure to go for the latter. And anyone who dares to oppose El Narco in any serious way, like the liberal senator Piedad Córdoba, will find themselves hounded out of office and threatened with arrest. Even now, after he's left office, El Narco is still fucking Colombia over like there's no tomorrow. But hey, at least Spain is pressing charges against him. For all the good it may do them. He is a psychopath, and there is little doubt in my mind that he will manage to get away, literally, with murder.

2. Lucio Fucking Gutiérrez. His nickname in Ecuador is "Sucio", meaning "dirty". And yes, he earned it. How? By running as a leftist, and reigning as a rightist. He directly contradicted his key campaign promises, ran up odious debts (which El Ecuadorable, Rafael Correa, has been working hard and often successfully to nullify), and just generally was a corrupt, toadying, pro-imperial little piece of shit. He was run out of office, not surprisingly, by ordinary Ecuadorians who were simply furious at him; he's been unpopular ever since. And never was that more evident than during the September 30 coup attempt against El Ec, when Sucio lost no time in getting in front of the cameras and blaming the victim. Funnily enough, he showed up with right-wing ex-Cuban CIA operatives in tow. What was most hilarious was his denial that a coup attempt occurred. Funny, but the president's armored car has pockmarks from at least four high-calibre bullets that were fired at it after his loyal army troops finally freed him from the hospital where the police were keeping him prisoner! Next, I suppose, Sucio will try to convince the world that Rafael Correa isn't really president, and that he still is. Dissociated doesn't begin to describe this filthy rat.

3. Roberto Fucking Micheletti. His nickname is "Gorilletti", an allusion to the military dictatorships of the far right that have plagued Latin America for as long as the region has been speaking Spanish, more or less. And for those who claim Gorilletti isn't a military dictator, wise the fuck up. He could not have gotten into power--or shovelled the last democratic president of Honduras out of it--without the help of the crooked, fascist Honduran military. Thanks to him, Honduras is a banana republic once more, with everything that that term implies: disappearances, torture, murders, repression. It's an ideal environment for Yankee crapitalism and local oligarchs, but for everything and everybody else, it's a fucking nightmare. And the sham election of Pepe Lobo hasn't done a thing to improve the situation. It's still going on, and it's now such that even he, who relied on dictatorship to get himself elected, is feeling the pain. Hey Pepe, welcome to the new, improved, "free" Honduras...same as the old, degenerate dictatorship of the '80s. You're not really in charge there. Gorilletti and his goon squads-o-death are. Get used to it.

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4. Avigdor Fucking Lieberman. He wasn't elected head of state for Israel; I'm really not sure what he was elected to, other than maybe a parliamentary seat. But somehow he's managed to hijack the entire Knesset and lurch it hard to starboard. He's also managed to make one hell of an ass of himself wherever he goes, dishing up ignorant pronouncements on anyone who's smart enough to see through him. He's particularly asinine about Latin America--coincidentally, the very place where people are most likely to mistrust Israel for sending torturers and spooks to terrorize the region and meddle overtly in its politics. Now he has the chutzpah to say the Palestinian Authority is "illegitimate". Yeah, we saw that one coming! The only advice I can give to anyone perplexed by this putzy little man is to take whatever he says and rotate it 180 degrees; and if he slams another person, just take it to be a projection of the crawly maggotry that's forever festering inside of him. It's the only way his words could ever be said to make sense.

5. The Fucking US Republican (Tea) Party. It is the essence of what's wrong in the US, kiddies...these crazy, angry, gun-toting, self-righteous, ignorant white people. Totally racist, totally dissociated...and totally lacking in self-awareness, much less any sense of history. Or the irony of their own positions. Their notion of "liberty" is based on the enslavement of the nation's majorities, which, ironically, happen to include the vast majority of voters, regardless of party affiliations. The diabolical genius of the whole tea-tard thing is how this astroturf "movement" has suckered millions into voting directly against their own interests.

6. Sarah Fucking Palin. The queen bee of the tea-tards. Two years ago, I thought for sure that she would fade back into deserved obscurity when she lost John McCain his chance at the White House. Unfortunately, she has yet to do so. In fact, all the signs point to another, and even bigger, Epic Fail in 2012 (the year the Mayan calendar is supposed to run down, by some weird coincidence.) She's "written" two crappy books, made up a whole new vocabulary of stupid, dragged her daughter onto one of the tackiest glorified game shows on TV, and generally done whatever it takes to keep her own profile high. She's even tried to hijack feminism (while actually practising the opposite), to the point where an overwhelming majority of women can't fucking stand her anymore. Oh yeah: and she's a big one on censoring dissent--and library books. If she died tomorrow, I'd fully expect her to sit up in her coffin the next day and start screeching a whole new load of horseshit, in an attempt to stay "relevant" even while dead. So, even though she only blipped onto the world's radar in the last two years of the decade, she qualifies most thoroughly as a dickweed, n'est-ce pas?

7. Lanny Fucking Davis. Lest anyone think that conservatives have a complete monopoly on dickweedery, I offer you this "liberal" DINO. Not content to help Gorilletti and his thugs whitewash their brutal coup in Honduras in '09, now he's helping a thug in Africa's Ivory Coast retain his power. The common denominator is thuggery. Lanny Davis loves it. He battens on it. His wallet fattens on it. And, like Screech Palin, Davis may only have blipped my radar in the last two years, but he's more than justified his presence on this list by being such a fucking asshole.

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8. The Fucking Pope. There's so much wrong with this one, and it goes so far back. Way beyond the past decade, in fact. He was in the Hitler Youth, and claims he couldn't get out? Hell, that's a lie. All he had to do, if he were really opposed, was not show up. My dad played hooky from it, no problem. What were they going to do, arrest a 12-year-old? Line him up in front of a firing squad? Even the Nazis didn't go there; they needed all the warm bodies they could get. And Ratzi is older than my old man; age of reason, you know. So I'm going to go way out on a limb and assume that Ratzi was, in fact, reasonably convinced--enough to go along, regardless of the Vatican's hilarious early attempts to deny the obvious:

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Yes, that's him, in altar-boy gear, giving the Nazi salute. Heil!

But what's worst about this one, worse even than the HJ affiliation, is the fact that he was instrumental in covering up child-sex-abuse scandals at the highest levels of the Vatican. And by the sounds of things, he still is. But hey! Let's blame those swinging '70s. After all, we know pedophilia wasn't invented before then, and certainly not rampant among priests since time immemorial!

9. The Fucking IMF. Not content merely to wreck Latin America one economy at a time, now it's trying to do the same up here. Trouble is, we don't want their wreckage; we've got enough problems as it is, thanks to NAFTA and CAFTA giving us the shafta. Oh wait, I know what to do: How about scrapping the IMF, and going back to the "bad" old days of, you know, Canadian protectionism? Too obvious? Funny, because it's working kind of well for Latin Americans to chuck them out (and the World Bank, too) and use homegrown solutions for their economic problems instead of bad prescription medicine from Bretton Woods! But there's one person up here whom I would NEVER trust further than I could kick his ass on a muddy day when it comes to homegrown solutions, and it is...

10. Stephen Fucking Harper. What makes him a dickweed? We could be up all night if I had to list all the traits. But off the top of my head, here are the ones that blipped my dickweed-radar the most: Promising to give us an elected senate. Hasn't happened yet; he's packed it with 38 Tory appointees to date. There was even a time when he tried to appropriate Jack Layton's proposal to abolish the senate, but that never happened either; Harpo probably backed off because he realized there was no way he could pack it if it didn't exist, and no way his SupposiTories could ever get a majority in Parliament, either. And then there were those two prorogations, both of which could best be summed up as "spoiled Tory baby trying to turn the Parliament blue by holding his breath". Too bad for Harpo that he couldn't make it third-time-sucky, but this time he made the colossal blunder (for him, anyway) of appointing a Governor-General who (a) understands the constitution (and its allowance for coalitions), and (b) isn't a pushover. So now he's reduced to sniping at all the other parties again, which is always soooooo democratic and becoming.

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11. All the fucking rightard talking heads in the media. Surely it's not just me thinking they've multiplied. Or how they've tugged the media further and further to the right, to the point where a lot of news reporting has getting damn hard to read, listen to or watch because it's just so goddamn fucking stupid. And it's gotten that way because of these goddamn fucking pundits. And we all know how much they've profited from all the war and economic catastrophe they helped to cause by cheerleading. Even worse, they've spawned...

12. All those fucking rightard bloggers. They have turned the Internets from a 21st-century vision of information superhighways...into a big, fat, stinking hog wallow of mental derangement, greed, stupidity, mediocrity, denial, superstition, bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, racism, hysteria and paranoia. And those in turn have spawned...

13. All those fucking rightard Internet trolls. Some of whom (how many, no one has yet determined) are paid by the post from the ample coffers of wingnut welfare for injecting Teh Stoopid into every serious online discussion EVER. Reasons may vary, but the most common one is probably plain old derailment, for the simple reason that no progress can be made if the train is off the tracks. (No, I'm not shitting you. Unlike them, I'm not being paid.)

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14. Pedro Fucking Carmona. I chose to assign him the number 14 because that's the day in April of 2002 he got his coup-mongering ass handed to him, and Chavecito booted it out of Miraflores palace where it didn't belong. He was under house arrest in Caracas for a while, then fled to Colombia, and from there, to Miami--the scum capital of the Americas. He has yet to be extradited back to Venezuela to face trial. Was this creepy little man even elected head of the Venezuelan chamber of commerce, which was his post before he crowned himself president-for-a-day, or was it just another ooky little backroom putsch? The lack of transparency about this one alone is enough to give any serious democrat pause, but apparently some people thought it worthwhile to endorse him. And the most powerful ones could all be found in...

15. The Fucking US State Department. A collection of dickweeds in any given decade since the early 1800s, as far as the American continent is concerned, they really outdid themselves, as far as dickweedery goes, in the past one. Practically as soon as they'd declared independence from Britain, they were looking to take away the independence of their neighbors, including us. Look up the Monroe Doctrine sometime; it's clear they learned nothing from their loss in the War of 1812. Solving all their country's problems would be a no-brainer for them if they could only cut the purse-strings tying them to...

16. The Fucking Military-Industrial Complex. Fifty years ago Ike Eisenhower warned us about them. Fifty years later, his warning holds true more than ever. These dickweeds profited massively from every war the US has ever been involved in, including the ones in Afghanistan and Iraq. They also benefit directly from any coup the US has ever endorsed, since someone's got to supply all those putschists with weapons. Gotta keep the world safe for shameless profiteering democracy, you know!

17. Fucking Halliburton. And while we're on the subject of shameless profiteering democracy, let's talk about some of the most shameless profiteers fine upstanding corporatist democrats of all. This labyrinthine corporation (along with its subsidiary, Kellogg, Brown & Root) makes the list for a whole roster of egregious examples: supplying the US military with grossly overpriced food (which, in turn, was just plain gross--and left more than a few soldiers feeling gross, too); sexual and mental abuse of women; "sailboat fuel"; and oh yeah, have we forgotten maggots yet?

18. Fucking Blackwater. Speaking of maggots...how about mercenaries? Yup, the past decade was a banner one for the mercenary-industrial complex, too. Because when war is this profitable, why not multiply the number of profiteers civilian contractors that can benefit from it? What could possibly go wrong? Well, I could think of a few things...but I bet Erik Fucking Prince did not.

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19. Dick Fucking Cheney. Why was there a Gulf War II? Because this horrid cyborg from Halliburton didn't think he was rich enough yet. And lord knows he already was richer than about 99% of his fellow Amurricans. Which may explain why someone so obviously not physically fit to be in such a high office could still pass the medical. And who can forget those five draft deferments during the Vietnam era? That was the only time in his life that the Big Dick was fit to actually fight a war instead of sending the 99%ers' sons to die in one.

20. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Another obscene war profiteer, Rummy owned stock in a pharmaceutical firm that just happens to manufacture the antiviral drug, Tamiflu. Was it any coincidence that we got scare stories every morning, noon and night on the news about the Bird Flu and how it was wreaking havoc...in the poorest, dirtiest, most down-at-heel poultry farms in Vietnam? Flu shots are cheaper and more effective (DUH: they prevent you from actually GETTING flu in the first place), but of course that wouldn't have lined Rummy's war-mongering pockets, either. He didn't own stock in a flu-shot manufacturer, after all.

Oh, and who can forget this picture?

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Apparently, Rummy could--and did. Not even so much as a blush or a mea culpa for having supplied Saddam with all those infamous chemical weapons that could later not be found. How could he not acknowledge the man who made him so obscenely rich and powerful? I'm shocked. SHOCKED, I tellz ya.

21. Karl (Rat)Fucking Rove. Otherwise known as Bush's Brain, or more politely, Turdblossom. He learned the fine art of ratfucking from Nixon's master of dirty tricks, one Donald Segretti. So of course, it stands to reason that he would use everything he learned to make Dubya the Worst President Ever. (And that's quite the feat, considering what a bag of dicks ol' Milhous was.) But let's not be too mean on Unka Karl; after all, he had a lousy childhood. A little girl beat the shit out of him once, and he's been avenging himself on femaledom (and especially, women voters) ever since. He's all turd and no blossom.

22. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Why?

That's why. She's a glassy-eyed freak who can do nothing but recite the same vacuous lines, over and over and over again. Either she's on drugs, or she's a pull-string doll made in Stepford. She is, like Sarah Fucking Palin, of absolutely no consequence, having done nothing real for the voters of Minnesota. And yet, inexplicably, she seems to be politically indestructible, in spite of all evidence of her utter incompetence. Which forces me to conclude that those who voted for her are even dumber and more programmed than she is. She represents...essentially nothing. And THAT is what's truly scary: You can get people to vote, and keep voting, for an actual black hole in this political environment, as long as it talks the conservatard god-talk. Style, you suck. Substance, we hardly knew ye.

23. Alan Fucking García. I've wank-listed him before (in fact, even before I was making a regular feature of the wank-list, or calling it that), but srsly, this one can go on that list again and again until his term is over. Otto calls his Peru "investment grade", and believe me, that phrase is NOT complimentary...especially not when followed by "Viva, Viva, Viva". In plain old non-bizspeak English, "investment grade" means "corrupt, polluted, and fraught with every imaginable kind of human rights abuses". And if you want to see how uncomplimentary it is, why honey, you just clicky right here, stick that phrase into the searchy-thingy down there the right-hand side, and let ol' Otto explain it all to you. He can do it so much better than I because he actually lives there. (And spends a lot of time with his face in his palm, I imagine.)

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24. Charles Fucking McVety. If you live in Ontario, you already know why this one is on the list. For those who don't, allow me to introduce you: World, dickweed; dickweed, world. Charles McVety is the unchristian asshole who fucked up Ontario's education system almost singlehandedly. I say "almost", because obviously it took someone to listen to him and take his shit seriously in order for our education system to get so fucked up and all. Comprehensive sex-education is a no-no for Charlie because he thinks we'll all learn how to be Teh Ghey and use condoms to boff each other in the butt. That's his main area of "concern", and he never misses a chance to push it in the attempt to make this entire liberal province all backward and homophobic and dumb and uptight like him and his buttboy, Little Stevie Peevie. In reality, what he's opposed to is protecting our kids against ignorance and all its fruits...no, not that kind...I'm talking unwanted pregnancy, repression, suicide, and oh yeah...STD outbreaks like the syphilis one that's currently raging in "God's country", Alberta. But y'know, I often think that inside every homophobe is a gay guy screaming to get out. And if you saw Chuckles, you'd know why he was screaming. If I were his inner gay guy, I'd be screaming to get out of him, too.

25. Faytene Fucking Kryskow. Who she? Basically, she's Chuckles McBetty's younger, "hipper", and scarier female incarnation. It took me a while to realize who she was, too. Her name is something I couldn't make up if I tried; it sounds like a hair product made of hydrogenated palm oil. And, quite by concidence, she has a vast array of very strange and shudder-inducing coiffures. The first time I saw her on the nightly news, in a spot about the theo-cons preying/praying on Parliament Hill, I didn't even catch her name, but her face was burned in my memory; how could it not be? I had never before seen a fundie chick with so much raccoon eyeliner, never mind those devil horns that were actually two big messy rolls of hair perched right on top of her head. Honestly, I thought I was staring into the face of Jezebel or the Whore of Babylon herself. If you thought all goth girls were Wiccans like me, you'd be in for a helluva shock on meeting either of us. I look natural and normal; she looks like she sleeps in a casket and drinks virgins' blood. Maybe she does! She runs a youth-ministry-type thingy with all kinds of Nürnberg-rally shows and thrash-metal music and an apocalyptic theological line that would make Jesus scream and run for his life, because that's exactly the kind of lynch mob that would crucify his poor ass all over again. Even the fundies think she's a satanist, and when you get those freaks thinking along those lines, well...

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26. Pat Fucking Robertson. Hey, we're on the subject of what makes Jesus vomit, and I'd say he's a pretty fair candidate. He pals around with African dictators, is rich from blood diamonds, calls for disasters to hit areas where gay people have been treated with a modicum more respect and dignity than to simply be carted off to a gas chamber, he hates Haiti, and oh yeah, he also called for the assassination of my man Chavecito--who, unlike Patwa, is a real Christian. He says stupid shit all the time, and he was not always as righteous as he might have you believe (if you are dumb and blind, that is.) But you know what really frosts my cake? He actually came out in favor of legalizing pot. Which makes me suspect two things: He's dying of something ghastly that can only be relieved with one drug, and he's actually looking to get right with God at last.

27. John Fucking Hagee. Here's another of those asshats whose head Jesus is going to snap off on judgment day and toss into the Lake of Fire for the demons to play soccer with. Oh, he's a great friend of Israel, all right, but he's no friend of the Jews. His views on Hitler as "God's hunter" ought to offend every self-respecting Jew on the planet. He did, however, use to pal around with a non-self-respecting one, Jack Fucking Abramoff, who's currently in the clinker for corruption; does that sound to you like the kind of company a godly man should keep? Well, to him it does, no doubt because of all the shekels this schmeckel stood to make off it all. He also hates the poor and would like nothing better to see them starve (unlike himself, of course; did I mention that he's corpulent?) Oh yeah, and he hates Chavecito, too. Why do you suppose that is? Surely not the tyranny of a good example again?

And finally, the man who is surely THE Dickweed of the Decade, if ever there had to be just one:

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28. George W. Fucking Bush. Can anyone deny that he screwed the last ten years up for the entire world? Watch Fahrenheit 9/11 and tell me you don't think so. "They" don't hate the US for its freedom, they hate it for taking theirs away. And no one's done more taking-away, or at least enabled it, than The Decider. Arrogant, stupid, a phony, a piss-poor businessman...I could go on about Dubya all night, but I'm not in the mood. I was happy to see Obama wave him off two years ago, and am only sorry he hasn't done more to rid the world of the damage that dirty little fucker left behind. Fuck you, Dubya, for all you have done. Fuck you very much.

And a crappy New Year to you, too.

December 18, 2010

Wankers of the Week: The geese are getting fat

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"Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat; please put a penny in the old man's hat." Unless of course he looks like the one in the 'toon...in which case, you may want to spare the penny, chop off his head and roast him instead.

Just one week to go until Xmas. Then it's on to another tryptophan binge for me. Whoopee! But do you know what's even fatter than the turkeys and geese? The wankitude. It's so fucking huge, you can't miss it. And here's who's got it oozing out their greasy pores this week:

1. John Fucking Boehner. It's not a question of whether men can cry, or whether it's okay for them to do so. It's a question of whether men can manipulate others with their tears and whether it is okay for them to do so. Clearly the answer is yes with Lesley Fucking Stahl, but I just wanna slap the selfish, self-pitying fucker straight into next week. Just imagine what the media would say if a progressive woman in politics did what he constantly, shamelessly does! His tears have nothing to do with anyone other than himself. And if he can't get hold of himself, he has no business being in charge of a pop stand, never mind the US house of reps.

2. Christopher Fucking Hitchens. Henry Fucking Kissinger is an easy target to take bitch-slaps at--especially if, like Hitch, you are actually his ideological offspring, desperately seeking to deflect responsibility for your own utter wrongness on a lot of rather important global issues. Neo-cons (and Hitch IS one, make no mistake) owe much to this old warmonger. Hitch, in fact, owes his entire loathsome career as a professional toady-cum-character-assassin to him, since he couldn't have kept himself in gin without taking lessons (and payola) from the ratfuckers who are the fruit of ol' Henry's toxic loins. Shouldn't he be bowing and scraping to him, instead? PS: Jymn has some additional good points about Hitch's breathtaking silence on the subject of Richard Fucking Nixon. Why does Nixon get a free pass for antisemitism while his Jewish lackey gets all the bile? Better watch your glass house, there, Hitch, we can see YOUR antisemitism right through it.

3. Lawrence Fucking Cannon. Between this irony-impaired wanker and the Paliness, Haiti seems destined to stagger under the slings and arrows of outrage forever. Not natural disasters, but human asininity, will end up bringing that poor country to its knees. Larry, instead of wasting your breath lecturing Haitians on democracy, why not look in the mirror and admit that our own is not exactly the best example? Oh, I get it...leading by example is not your forte. Carrot-and-stick bullying is. Explains a lot!

4. and 5. Ben Fucking Brown and Richard Fucking Littlejohn. Blaming a wheelchair-bound man with cerebral palsy for the brutality of cops specifically trained and ordered to smash heads during protests? That may draw eyes to your TV respective channel and newspaper, but it's also a terrific way to get yourselves regarded as nothing but idiotic, opportunistic dickheads. Pick on someone who can fight back, you cowardly fucking bullies.

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6. Wesley Fucking Scroggins. Who would say that a book about teenage date rape (with explicit descriptions of the crime) is "soft pornography"? A filthy, slimy pervert who secretly masturbates to just such awfulness, that's who. I am sure that this one's bid to have the book banned is just a way of adding to the illicit frisson he already gets out of it. And I shudder to think what his idea of HARD pornography is, if adolescent rape is "soft".

7. Dean Fucking Del Mastro. To stop him is to stop Harpo. Canadian readers, please sign the petition.

8. Sepp Fucking Blatter. Why did FIFA decide to hold the next World Cup in Doha, Qatar? Can anyone explain? Last time I looked, prohibitions on alcohol and Teh Ghey are NOT examples of a world with "no boundaries".

9. Les Fucking Kinsolving. Maybe, if you didn't keep whining "Where's the birth certificate?", you wouldn't be whining "Where's my White House Christmas party invite?" now, you fucking racist tool.

10. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh yay, I was wondering when this irrelevant vampire would rise from her dusty coffin again. The Moon must have been in eclipse, because she's crapped out yet another classic Coultergeist attack on free speech. She even finds a way to work her chronic, corrosive racism into the pile-on against Wikileaks. And, by damn, it's a labyrinthine screed--can you make sense of it? I can't. See? Vintage Coultergeist! Way to go, Ann, I didn't think you had it in you anymore. Guess you found another virgin to drain of blood, so you did get an energy boost after all. Now, where'd I put my sharpened stake...? Oh yeah, here it is: YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING JOURNALIST YOURSELF, ANN! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT AN UNDEAD HACK WHO NEVER HAD AN INFORMED OPINION IN HER GODFORSAKEN LIFE. AND WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR BULK-BOUGHT "BESTSELLERS". (There, that oughta do it...)

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11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Wonder why this feminist isn't joining the self-righteous stampede to vilify Julian Assange...or Michael Moore? It's a no-brainer: If the Pigman is doing it, you as a self-respecting progressive should NOT. This is the same asshat who refers to us as "feminazis" on a regular basis, after all. And his pretending to be a friend of rape victims is the ultimate in male-chauvinist cynicism. For all we know, Rush the Pigman could be a serial rapist himself. He certainly talks like one.

12. John Fucking Ivison. Lord knows I'm no fan of Iggy the Boyar, mainly because there's not much separation between him and Harpo on a lot of issues--but could you please leave women's shapely curves out of your diatribes, con-tard boys? Or would that just make it too politically correct...or just plain not interesting to read (as if it were interesting even WITH the sexism)?

13. The Fucking Union Bank of Switzerland. Anal-retentive much?

14. Charles Fucking McVety. A band of mariachi cockroaches is playing the world's smallest instruments for your pity party, Sir Homophobe. If you want to know what the heavy hand of censorship really feels like, try being gay in a world run by fundie preacher-men.

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15. Bill Fucking Sammon. FUX Snoozers told to distort the news? Color me so shocked. Surely this has nothing to do with the rash of stories this week on professional "libertarian" trolls being sent to dumb down the Internets, and how FUX Snooze makes you, well, Teh Stoopid. Surely just a malign coinkydink!

16. Terrence Fucking Lakin. How to be a wanker, in 3 easy steps: Be a Birther, in the US Army; refuse a direct order to deploy overseas. Invite your own court-martial to force the issue of a fucking birth certificate into the public eye. Then, when tried and found guilty of dereliction of duty, whine that you should still be allowed to serve, and that being a Birther is no impediment, even though it's supposedly the reason you refused a direct order to ship out when the army needs doctors to look after the war casualties. Yes, really--this guy tried all that. Yes, it IS nuts. Isn't mental stability still a requirement for the job?

17. Julia Fucking Gillard. If Wikileaks didn't break any laws, then why did the Australian government join the pile-on against Julian Assange? Oh, I see...someone is still the empire's prison bitch. And her party is now suffering in the polls for it.

18. Conrad Fucking Black. Oh, look who lost his appeal but isn't giving up! Making a federal case of it, and hoping the conservatard-packed SCOTUS will free him. Must be nice to have all those unearned (read: swindled) millions to be able to do it. But by the time they get around to it, Lord Ha-Ha's prison term could be just about up. Wouldn't that be a hoot? Meanwhile, millions of Yanks are still languishing for far lesser offences; they aren't white OR rich, so they're stuck. Do you think he could help THEM out? Nah. Too busy pitying his arrogant, asinine self.

19. and 20. Anibal Fucking Cavaco Silva and Trinidad Fucking Jiménez. Yeah, Chavecito is "crazy"...so crazy that he managed to prevent Venezuela getting swept up in the global economic crisis that's now eating Portugal and Spain (the respective homelands of these two undiplomatic wankers) alive. Don't you wish your leaders were hot like him?

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21. The Fucking Ontario Minor Hockey Association. They must think racism is okay. Why else would they penalize a coach who wouldn't stand for it, and protested peacefully, when one of his players was called a nigger? What a fucking disgrace the OMHA is.

22. Mel Fucking Gibson. Calling Winona Ryder, who is Jewish, an "oven dodger"? Looks like his more recent antisemitic outbursts have a long history. Looks like those who still defend him as "basically good" now have a lot more 'splainin' to do. I wonder why Winona took so long to talk about it. Fear? Incomprehension? Reluctance to offend the Hollywood power machine? All distinct possibilities. Anyhow: Good on you, Winona, for speaking out--and fuck you once more, Mad Mel, you crazed evil fascist swinebag.

23. Dick Fucking Cheney. The Big Dick is back, and has bought his way out of prosecution to the tune of a $250 million (US) slap on the wrist. No doubt it's chickenfeed compared to what Halliburton pocketed in the wake of Gulf War II.

24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Have I mentioned her yet? No? Well, consider this it, then. She'd "never shoot an animal for fur or fashion", but she WOULD shoot one for show and cruelty. And of course, there's that bearskin rug behind her. Given that she's actually a lousy shot, I'm sure she's not the one who bagged it. The layers of hypocrisy and stupidity on this bimbo are infinite. PS: I doubt very much that she ate that caribou, either. PPS: Ow! Sucks to be you, Sarah!

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25. Brent Fucking Bozell. If you're gonna slag the so-called "liberal" media for supposedly "taking the Christ out of Christmas", maybe you should give some equal time to FUX Snooze, which does the exact same thing. You know, to be Fair and Balanced™? Oh wait, you're ON there. Of course you're not going to bite the hand that feeds your miserable, wretched excuse for a media watchdog centre. And of course you're going to go on banking on the fact that FUX Snooze viewers are the dumbest heaps of dogshit in the land, so that's why they won't question why it's just as absent from THEIR channel of choice as it is from all the others!

26. All the fucking banksters attacking Wikileaks. Surely not because someone there has access to all their dirty little secrets? Stay classy, banksters.

27. Rob Fucking Ford. Being sued for libel when you really DID libel someone is not a SLAPP suit. But thanks for showing, yet again, that your chutzpah knows no bounds.

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28. The entire fucking Harpocracy squatting in Ottawa. Bad enough that our spooks are incompetent torture lovers who lick Yankee boots like they're made of ice cream. Do they really deserve a Taj Mahal sports complex for THAT? Oh, I see what you did there. This is part of that manly-manification of our wimpy widdle nation, is it? A waste of tax dollars we shouldn't be paying to the likes of you, is what it is.

29. Tim Fucking Hudak (and his fucking Ontario SupposiTories). Soft on guns and softer on crime, that's Tim the Recycled Harrisite.

30. The Fucking Grauniad. Way to go, idiots, you totally fell for the State Dept.'s crapaganda. Not only was Michael Moore's movie, Sicko, NOT banned in Cuba, it was widely shown in local theatres AND on Cuban TV months before the CIA's man in Havana squatted down and just made shit up--as is usual for the CIA's man in just about any foreign "station" you care to name. In fact, the Cuban health system works just as depicted in the documentary, and is the island's pride--along with its stellar educational system, which enables it to graduate medical doctors not only from Cuba, but all over the Americas. That's why the Cuban government lost no time disseminating the film as widely as it could; it was a potent reminder to Cubans not to trust what the US government says about them. It was also rightly popular with the Cuban people, who certainly do not consider the hospital seen in the movie to be "mythical", or even the exception to the rule. As Moore himself points out, the last time the State Dept. was this reliant on utter bullshit, Team America World Police was getting its counterrevolutionary ass kicked all over the Bay of Pigs. Would it hurt the Grauniad to make a phone call or two to Havana? Are they so strapped for cash that they've fired all their fact-checkers? They have Lexis/Nexis at their disposal; would it kill them to actually sit down and USE it? Would it hurt them to print a real retraction of their blatant nonsense, either? Because that snotty little appendage they tacked to the bottom of their embarrassingly dumb hit-piece isn't cutting it.

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And finally, to Kate Fucking McMillan.* It only took her five years to finally discover that I existed, and to send her flying monkeys out to "scratch" me. And what did I get? BORED. Aren't there supposed to be more clowns inside those silly little cars? Guess the recession is hitting the wingnuts hard, too. They can only afford a broken-down third-hand Harley with a rickety sidecar these days. Poor things.

I was very gentle with the ass-kicking, all things considered, but they haven't been back to challenge me on a single point of my refutation; that's how butthurt these 'winger winos get when confronted with real facts. But then, what do you expect of flying monkeys who operate on behalf of the Wingnut Wench of the West? When Dorothy (uh, that would be me) dumped cold water on their mistress and she melted down to a steaming frizzle on the floor, it didn't take much to vanquish them!

Poor unloved Kate, I feel sorry for you. Is your popularity down so far that this is the best you could do? Are you jealous that I won the Ruby Slippers this year and you did not? For someone so inordinately proud of her legion of brainwashed minions, you fail so hard. Better work on the quality of your blog, so you won't have to resort to those tired old ugly bitch tactics.

And speaking of tired old ugly bitch tactics: why are you not here to "debate" me yourself, if you think you know so much better than I do what's going on in Venezuela? Buk buk buk b'kawww, Katie dear. Since the Mariachi Cockroaches are already playing for the pity-party for your soulmate Chuck, I could only spare one lonely trombonist for you...

Good night, and get fucked!

*No, I'm not linking to her shitty blog or her smack-talk about me. You wanna see it, google it.

December 11, 2010

Wankers of the Week: More Wikiwanks, plus a Santa sack of mixed nuts

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Whee! Two whole weeks of Wikileaks. How's everyone liking the insights into the corporate diplomatic spookospheric complex? And just think, this is only the tip of a very large iceberg. With only about 0.5% of the total of Cablegate currently released, things could soon get a whole lot more interesting, in the Chinese-curse sense of the word, for some people. These ones, meanwhile, didn't all need Julian Assange to lay their butts bare to the world at large; their wanks are manifestly obvious:

1. Bristol Fucking Palin. Or whoever ghostwrites for her (and probably, her mother.) Attacking Margaret Cho for merely reporting the obvious is pretty damn low. But doing it on the grounds of sexual orientation, when Cho is a well-known bisexual? That sucks even more than Bristol's lacklustre dancing. But the fun part is that it obviously wasn't Bristol that even wrote that stupid shit about "commonsense conservatism" (an oxymoron if ever there was one). Bristol is barely literate; she can hardly string together a single sentence, even one that makes as little sense as this choice bit of run-on homophobia: "You say you 'don't agree with the family's politics at all' but I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert."

2. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Still on about the fucking Obama birth certificate that was produced long ago. And here's the really rich part: the Pigman is disappointed that Wikileaks didn't have it! As though it were some kind of state secret. It's not. Especially not in the state of Hawaii. How much OxyContin does one have to guzzle to be unable to accept something so simple--and obvious?

3. Kenneth Fucking Kimbley. Yet another fucking racist psychopath who was "inspired" to try terrorism by Glenn Fucking Beck. There is a running tally of these, BTW; so far, it's up to at least three. How much longer is THIS bullshit going to go on? When will Biff finally be arrested alongside his loyal, treasonous devotees?

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4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Surprise! She's not a real hunter after all. Well, okay, so you're not surprised. Neither'm I. Mainly because we know she's phony, from the top of her ratted head to the soles of her salon-tanned feet. She was never a real feminist, never a real mayor, never a real governor, never had a real chance of becoming VP (especially since her running mate was not, in fact, a real US citizen by birth, but a Panama Canal Zonian). And now, as she guns for the presidency, she's once again projecting a false image--this time of a subsistence hunter, one who's paying obscene sums of money to pretend she's puttin' food on her family. At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that her much-speculated-on boobs were fake, too.

5. Tom Fucking Flanagan. See, I told you death threats were illegal here, Mr. Manly-Man. So is shit like this.

6. Don Fucking Cherry. Speaking of manly-men, get a load of what the loudest-ever mouth on TV wore to the swearing-in of the loudest-ever mouth (yes, including Mel Lastman) to be elected mayor of Toronto. No, that's not the wank. The wank is why he wore it, and what he said while wearing it. Fine words coming from someone whose salary (hefty) is paid exclusively by the Canadian taxpayer. Ahem, that's us "pinkos" and "left-wing kooks", Don. We're the Canadian majority, in case you hadn't heard. (Remove head from ass, ol' man--then you wouldn't have to yell so much, either.) You wanna talk about us "pinkos", "scraping the bottom of the barrel", Don? Maybe, if you rode a bike to work, you wouldn't have to buy so much fabric for your gaudy jackets. Some part of you besides your talk might actually get tough. And maybe then we wouldn't keep mistaking you for an overstuffed sofa that had learned to shoot off its mouth and be utterly wrong, at the top of its crotchety lungs, about virtually everything--including hockey, which those European guys you so love to hate actually know how to play.

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Pinko buttons courtesy of Spacing. I'm gettin' me one of each. 'Cause I'm a left-wing, bike-riding pinko.

7. Luke Fucking Scott. Um, are we supposed to take seriously a Birther's pronouncements on everything from deer hunting, to Maryland's alleged importation of coyotes (!), to Venezuela's supposed gun-crime problem (too many people getting shot in the streets with machine guns, but that's because there are NOT ENOUGH GUNS IN THE STREETS?) He can't even get straight his own president's country of origin (Hawaii), so pardon me if I laugh like a fuckin' hyena and say yeah, I can see how so many jocks (especially wingnuts like him and #6) come by that "dumb" image. Some of 'em come by it all too honestly, I can see that. Anyone who mistakes socialism for communism for gun-grabbing for gun-crime in the streets is not to be trusted in any profession requiring mental exertion; he'd fry the only two neurons he's got. And if he ran for office, he wouldn't be "loved and hated"; he'd just plain lose. Let's hope for his own good that he sticks to baseball. And if he starts running his mouth ever again, someone please just stick a wad of chawin' tobaccy in there.

8. Charles Fucking Krauthammer. Obviously, the hammer that hit the Kraut was one of utter ideological blindness and high partisan stupidity. We all know that if John McCain had become president and done what Barack Obama did this week, Charlie would be falling all over himself to praise the wisdom of it, the Repugnican party, and the Amurrican Sheeple.

9. The Fucking Vatican. Surprise! Cablegate reveals it to be Cover-Up Central of the Catholic church's sex scandals. Apparently it also expects the government of Ireland to kowtow to it as a not-so-benevolent overlord. We already pretty well figured as much, but it's always nice to have hard-wire confirmation of just how sick and perverted the uppermost ranks of the ecclesiastical hierarchy really are.

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10. Fucking Pfizer. The world's leading manufacturer of boner pills apparently fancies itself an overlord as well...in Nigeria. Where it's been using local people as guinea pigs for a drug trial gone very, VERY wrong. And NOT wanting to pay compensation to the locals. Because, you know, niggruhs.

11. Alex Fucking Jones. A sane person would be worried about Glenn Fucking Beck sounding like him. Alex, for one, welcomes his new chalkboard cheeseball overlord.

12. Bernie Fucking Goldberg. He wants "a big bronze and granite monument" to honor his Wall Street corporatist overlords. What a great idea! Can I get the commission? I've already built a maquette:

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The plinth will be a nice, solid block of black granite, to represent the bedrock of the global economy. This, in bronze, will squat on top of it. There will be thousands of tiny brass flies crawling all over it, to represent the faithful presstitutes, like Bernie, who copy and paste the corporate news in a fair and balanced manner. Notice that there's a finger pointing skyward in there? Represents how in crapitalism, the sky's the limit. It will simply stink to high heaven soar when it's completed. Isn't it exciting?

13. The Phucking Phelps KKKlan. Yup, they're pissing on corpses again. This time the target of their vileness is the late Elizabeth Edwards, who took so much shit in the latter years of her life between bouts with cancer and her husband's shameful extramarital antics. Speaking of shame, shouldn't Fred Phelps get some? Or, if he's too old and senile, can someone at least knock some into his ungodly progeny? This crap has nothing to do with freedom of speech; it's just plain cruel and inhuman.

14. Fucking TIME Magazine. "Palin" and "progress" are two words that should NEVER be juxtaposed, unless you're striving for irony, because those are two terms that cancel each other out. And an e-mail "interview"? Srsly? How do they know they didn't get the twit who ghostwrites the Paliness's Facebook page? They don't, of course. They really don't know a whole lot of anything. But then, we already knew that.

15. Charles Fucking Ford. His cartoonish portrait of ousted Honduran president Manuel Zelaya takes some poetic licence, to say the least. Having seen enough videos of the latter in action (including footage of him holed up in the Brazilian embassy in Tegucigolpe, where he was shown in excellent spirits, playing guitar and singing "Happy Birthday" to a supporter) to know that he is anything but erratic, capricious, dictatorial and friendless, I wipe my posterior with Ford's "impressions". Just another fine example, courtesy of Cablegate, of how little real intelligence exists in US "intelligence" circles.

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16. and 17. Joe Fucking Lieberman and Dianne Fucking Feinstein. Invoking the Espionage Act of 1917 against Wikileaks? There's a whole lot wrong with that, as any legal expert could tell you, but let's just sum it up with the basics: Julian Assange is neither a terrorist nor a spy; he's a webmaster and a whistleblower. He did not pass on secret information to any foreign army for immediate field use; he made a small portion of a heap of diplomatic cables--documents which should be in the public domain, seeing as they were generated and paid for with public funds--available to anyone with a computer and Internet access who cares to read. And the New York Times got there nearly four decades ago with the Pentagon Papers, and they didn't end up jailed for it either. Neither, in the end, did Daniel Ellsberg, who leaked the papers in question. This is a craven attempt at censorship, and it is guaranteed to be an epic fail.

18. Peter Fucking King. Yes, he's ba-ack on the list this week. And I think he senses that what Wankers #16 and #17 have in mind is legally untenable. Which is why he, in the spirit of true fascist bipartisanship, has tabled an atrocity in the shape of a congressional act which he hopes will take care of that little problem. If it passes, look for all hell to break loose, and not just in Washington.

19. and 20. Scott Fucking Brown and John Fucking Ensign are also dishonorable mentions; see above. Nice to see that douchebags are never censured in Washington for their sexual peccadoes and nude photo sessions, either, as long as there's an R after their names. Their scandals are well documented. Yet Julian Assange is being prosecuted on much flimsier evidence as a rape suspect; expect those charges to magically morph into espionage. The mind boggles!

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21. Richard Fucking Milhous Fucking Nixon. Yeah, he's been dead a few years; hence the extra Fucking. I think you'll agree it's warranted when you see just what a prejudiced cretin the old crook really was. But hey, this little red-haired German-Canadian lady has the inborn trait of knowing a Nazi when she smells one, so maybe there IS something to his nutty racist theories, after all.

22. Henry Fucking Kissinger. See above, and recall the money quote:

"The emigration of Jews from the Soviet Union is not an objective of American foreign policy," Mr. Kissinger said. "And if they put Jews into gas chambers in the Soviet Union, it is not an American concern. Maybe a humanitarian concern."

Humanitarianism: It's un-American. Thanks, Henry, for that timely reminder.

23. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. A vote-buyer, you say? Well, bless my soul. And no, Wikileaks didn't reveal that. It was pretty much a foregone conclusion, given that he's the richest man in Italy and not above doing that. At all.

24. Alvaro Fucking Uribe. Gone from the presidency of Colombia, but not forgotten--thanks to Wikileaks. Nice move there, El Narco...invading Venezuela. To capture alleged FARC guerrillas. The one time you did that, you got your ass frozen. And again when you did it to Ecuador. Gee, I wonder what else is in those cables that can incriminate your scroungy little ass.

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And finally, to all those who've resorted to smearing both Julian Assange AND his accuser in sexual and sexist terms. Your arguments don't amount to a hill of shit if that's the best you've got. A pox on both your houses.

Good night, and get fucked!

December 4, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Wikileaks edition

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Well! How's everyone enjoying those Wikileaks? Those awful, incriminating things that whole governments are trying to ban, and mainstream media outlets are trying to censor? Well, no wonder--they make governments and media alike look like terrible asses, and have so far only served to confirm what I knew or suspected all along. Whether they'll actually set any heads a-rollin' is doubtful, since there's a "so what's new?" feel to the whole thing. But they certainly have brought out some interesting--and wankish--reactions from a whole coterie of usual and unusual suspects. And here's which ones leapt out at me this week, in no particular order:

1. The Fucking White House. Of course, we know why THEY would want to censor Wikileaks. The stated reason ("endanger countless lives, blah blah") is bullshit. The only thing these leaks will endanger is the political and diplomatic careers of a relative few, who are making all the messes that others are losing their lives trying to clean the fuck up. I don't hope for more honesty or transparency out of Washington or any of its allies (much less decency on the international stage), but I do hope they're all soiling their pants at the prospect of having them pulled down more often in future.

2. The Fucking Government of Australia. It's rolled to the right, and nothing makes that more obvious than its latest foray into damage control. I can understand the bit about not linking to anti-abortion sites--those things are just vile, and actively promote murder in many cases--but Wikileaks does nothing of the sort. If anything, it may end up saving lives--by laying warmongers' backsides bare, and forcing countries currently at war to wrap it up or risk more casualties in the not-so-distant future. If the Government of Australia thinks this is a bad thing, they can go fuck a dingo. Or better still, maybe the next Wikileaks release will send the dingo to fuck them.

3. The Fucking Saudi King. Requesting that the US (under their beloved BushCo, natch) bomb Iran? How fucking insane is that? More proof that unelected hereditary monarchs are Bhad Nhews.

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4. The Fucking Mossad. They, too, conspired against Iran. And worse, they tried to drive a wedge between it and Syria (one of the few Arab countries on speaking terms with Iran at the moment.) I don't suppose they'll be getting any warmer reception in Damascus than they are right now--and right now, it is ice cold. Oh, and get this: They, along with the Saudis, are trying to shut down Al-Jazeera...which just happens to be one of the best and most honest TV channels in the world, and which reports unflinchingly (and often, unflatteringly) on what Israel, the Saudis and the US are up to in the region. Quelle coïncidence!

5. Peter Fucking King. Wikileaks is "a foreign terrorist organization"! For what? For revealing embarrassing information that most of us probably already knew or suspected from other reports not nearly so heavily hyped. Oh, my pearls! Where is the fainting couch?

6. William R. Fucking Timken, Jr. "Warning" Germany not to prosecute the CIA agents who kidnapped an innocent German, Khaled el-Masri, while he was on vacation in Macedonia? Oh yeah, heaven forfend that justice should be done. Good thing the Germans didn't stand for that shit. Arrest warrants are out (with Interpol) for no fewer than 13 CIA agents. Next mission, should Wikileaks choose to accept it: Exposing the fuckers so justice can finally be done. Those arrest warrants are now three years old and time's a-wastin'.

7. David Fucking Frum. Why?

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That's why. Once a neo-con hack, always a neo-con hack. Dave, as usual, you dishonor the memory of your mother, who was a REAL journalist. Do you think she appreciates being rolled, rotisserie-style, in her grave?

8. Jim Fucking Judd. Hey Jim, ever consider the possibility--make that PROBABILITY--that your spooks, and those in the US, were wrong about Omar Khadr? Or are you one of those "some people are more entitled to basic human rights than others" types? Oh wait, you're a spook. I guess that answers THAT question.

9. The Fucking British Royal Family. Prince Andrew as pro-big-bidness wanker, but only in Kyrgyzstan, where he thinks the media's not listening--fie on Randy Andy. And then there's all that other royal misconduct--the sexual stuff that's been deemed too hot for the chickenshit media to handle, much less the criminal courts to bring to trial. My money is on racist Prince Phil buggering the butler, how 'bout you?

10. Sarah Fucking Palin. What, did you think she was gonna shut her big piehole over all this non-treason (Wikileaks being an international site, not a US one)? And oh, what a comparison: her latest trashy little screed is supposedly on the same level of national and international importance with all those embarrassing cables from US embassies abroad! Was there ever such a legend-in-her-own-mind? Maybe she'd have an easier time keeping her own shit under wraps if she weren't such a compulsive fucking attention harlot.

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11. Jean-David Fucking Levitte. Again with the "Chávez is Mugabe" meme. The only thing those two have in common is being non-white (and in Chavecito's case, only partially of African descent). Hmmm, do you suppose Sarko's aide-de-cramp is a wee bit racist? As for the bit about Brazil "not supporting" the 'Cito: C'est un tas de merde, bien sûr. Lula's never had anything but kind words for his Venezuelan amigo. The right-wingers in the Brazilian parliament don't count, either, seeing as they're not the ruling coalition.

12. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Just because some Gulf state Arab leaders are also chickenshits about Iran doesn't mean you're vindicated. Or justified in continual warmongering. STFU, already.

13. Sever Fucking Plocker. See above, and yell "BULLSHIT!" to the notion that the entire world shares the perpetual panics of the Chicken Little Likud party. It most certainly does NOT. Even all of Israel doesn't do that.

14. Tom Fucking Flanagan. Why?

That's why. Harpo's right-wing nut-job mentor called openly for the death of Julian Assange. This is shit that you don't even call for in jest; death threats are illegal in Canada, in case you need reminding, Perfesser. PS: That word "manly", Tom, does not mean what you think it means. Next time you feel like doing the old chest-thump, just grow a fucking mustache and raise money for prostate cancer research like a REAL man!

15. Fucking Amazon. They'd alienated me already with their willingness to carry a how-to book on pedophilia (as well as a few other sickly self-published tomes--now removed, after protests--promoting "understanding" thereof). Reason: They "don't believe in censorship". Now they've thrown Wikileaks off their servers. I'm sorry, what did you fuckers say you believed in, again? More proof, in case you needed it, that corporations know no morality. And more reason, in case you needed it, to boycott them this holiday shopping season. Buy your books anywhere BUT there. I suggest you patronize your local brick-and-mortar retailers. PS: What Daniel Ellsberg said!

16. The Fucking New York Times. Too cowardly to name the names of the US diplomats that disparaged Canada. How do you like THAT, eh? We're being collectively insulted by nameless spooks. The Paper of Record doesn't believe in recording essential details like who said what about whom. Even when all they do is talk shit about my home and native land.

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17. Glenn Fucking Beck. Well, this was predictable. Everything is one big Soros conspiracy to Biffy. And it's only a matter of time before Soros sues him as he did to Ezra Fucking Levant.

18. Ann Fucking Coulter. Well, well. Another usual suspect crops up with another usual argument: Gays cause Wikileaks! Yes, Bradley Manning is gay; so fucking what? He's a hero for singlehandedly trying to muck out two Augean stables simultaneously--the US military and the US diplomatic corps. If that's what being gay does to one, more people ought to be born that way; Manning has all his marbles well placed. Can't say the same about the Coultergeist. And yeah, Ann, I'd be truly surprised if even the self-hating homo-cons invite you to any more of their little whoopty-doos. I think at this rate, you've alienated everyone but the bony nag in the mirror.

19. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Figures that the wiggly worm who was appointed bearer of Dubya's royal pissbucket would be the one trying to censor the truth about his activities off the Internets. Too bad for him that the revelations just keep a-comin'.

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20. The Fucking Government of Sweden. No longer neutral. And apparently, too wussy to announce it themselves--the fucking US embassy in Stockholm had to do it. When it wasn't too busy spying, that is.

21. The Fucking Government of Afghanistan. A clusterfuck? No. Who'd of thunk it? Hamid Karzai corrupt? Say it ain't so. Well, I did say, for years and years, that he was Unocal's man in the 'stan, so this is all about as surprising as learning that the Sun rises in the east. Will set in the west; film at 6. I might be surprised that he's been critical of the US, though; his points on that one are well taken. Pity he doesn't act appropriately on them. And what's this about private contractors and dancing boys? Shouldn't heads be rolling over this one?

22. Philip Fucking Murphy. Speaking of heads rolling, this one probably will. The soon-to-be-ex US ambassador to Germany is just one of many examples of so-called diplomats who beshat themselves on the job with what looks an awful lot like espionage. So much so that the German government has now called for his withdrawal.

23. Helmut Fucking Metzner. See above. He's the mole who fed the spooks in the US embassy, apparently. And he has already been fired by the German government. Unlike Gringolandia, Germany is a place where fuck-ups don't fall up. They go down, where they belong.

24. The Fucking British Foreign Office. US and UK strategic interests: more important than the homeless exile of a bunch of islanders from somewhere in the Indian Ocean, apparently. We could sort of guess this just by the fact that nobody's done squat to give the Diego Garcians their home back. But the declaration of a military base as a "marine protection zone" has got to be the most cynical fucking bit of chutzpah ever.

25. and 26. Robert Fucking Gates and Mike Fucking Mullen. Why?

That's why. These two pious frauds are talking out of their uniform-clad asses. Nobody has been killed by a single leaked document or video; nobody, in other words, has died as a result of that document or video being released. Yet we have a brave young soldier in jail, facing over 50 years in federal prison, and a webmaster on the run, staying one step ahead of what's got to be the most spurious prosecution of all time. (Comically, the only thing it seems they can really get him on is an alleged Swedish sex offence--"sex by surprise", meaning failing to use a condom--usually punishable only by a fine amounting to $715 US.) Given that US military leaders make such a big tra-ra about fighting for freedoms, such as freedom of speech--this is hilarious. Or would be, if it weren't so goddamned sad.

27. Jeffrey Fucking Kuhner. Another murder-mongering dickweed calling for the death of a man who has caused no deaths. This would be an excellent time to shut down the Washington Moonie Times, which has been a veritable clearinghouse for vile bile and senseless provocation ever since Sun Myung Fucking Moon acquired it.

28. Ezra Fucking Levant. Same as above, only substitute the QMI media chain. Vile, vile motherfuckers all. PS: I won't be paying to watch him shit his pants on TV, either.

29. and 30. William Fucking Brownfield and Patrick Fucking Duddy. Yes, they WERE sent to interfere and foster putsches in Venezuela. No, Chavecito is NOT crazy when he makes accusations against them and the State Dept. that sent them. He knew this all already; Wikileaks only confirmed his and every other thinking Venezuelan's suspicions. Any fucking questions?

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And finally, to all you free-screechers out there who defend the "right" to be a Kluker, a neo-Nazi, a militant homophobe and/or misogynist, a doodler who crudely portrays Mohammed (particularly with a bomb in his turban), and any other form of odious speech designed to provoke warlike reactions and foster murderous hate. What's the matter with you wimpy bastards? Where's your ringing denunciation of this massive and very real repression of speech? Why are you not supporting Wikileaks right now? Why are you actively calling instead for the site to be censored? Oh, I see...it undermines your whole worldview, particularly the pro-war parts. Well, too bad. Can't help you there. It's not my fault that you've been full of shit all along. It's not my fault if you've made bad life decisions based on right-wing crapaganda. And it's not my problem if the wave of information finally sweeps you kicking and screaming into the 21st century, where the world is no longer one of empires and superpowers, but one where your right to swing your fist ends where other countries' noses begin. Suck it up, bitches, because this is NOT going away.

Good night, and get fucked!

November 27, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Dancing with the 'tards

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Crappy Thanksgiving, all my friends in the US! Hope you didn't get trampled yesterday, or land up in the emergency room after all that feasting. Why some of you put marshmallows on your yams, I'll never understand. Those things are sweet enough as it is. But it could be a lot worse, I'll grant you; perhaps you ate one of these?

Y'okay. If you're feeling reasonably well rested now and not overstuffed, here are this week's turkeys. Er, wieners. I mean winners. Let's have a little fun working off all those surplus calories you packed in. Put on your boogie shoes and dance along as we kick them one by one to the curb:

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. Pissing on the memory of JFK, eh? And this in the week of the anniversary of his death. There really is no depth of dumbth to which the Screech will not sink. But when someone elevates a fictional movie about a pregnant little idiot over the man who uttered this ringing defence of religious freedoms in a secular state, it's just as well that she will NEVER be president. PS: Teh Stoopid! It BURNS!!! PPS: Bwahahahaaha.

2. Bristol Fucking Palin. You knew this was coming, right? Well, as I tweeted back to Christine O'Fucking Donnell (whose sublime idiocy graces the bottom of the linky), Bristol is not a star, and she's not being attacked. She's a little idiot who neglected to use birth control, got pregnant, became an unwed mother, and now, unbelievably, preaches abstinence. What kind of stardom is that? Her dancing just plain sucks, and she should have been booted out long ago. And would have, if not for idiots like Christine and all the other Palinbots, who clearly don't really believe in that meritocracy that they keep touting, along with Bristol's recycled virginity, as if it were some kind of holy grail.

3. Kevin Fucking DuJan. Finally, we know whose legwork it really was that carried Wanker #2 unfairly this far. But wait, the you haven't heard the funniest part yet. This wanker thinks a Bristol victory will "expose Democratic hypocrisy on voter fraud and ask why the media is so obsessed with the voting on a reality show but doesn't care about Leftist tampering with actual elections." Um, asshole...it's the RIGHT that's obsessed with the voting on a stupid glorified game show; they're the ones who watch that shit. As for us out here on the left, we've only been screaming about voter fraud since 2000, when FUX Snooze and Florida colluded to throw the state's election to fucking Dubya. Remember that? Of course you don't...too busy freeping a stupid game show for the stupid daughter of your stupid masturbatory fantasy gal. Stupid.

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4. Robbie Fucking Wills. I don't suppose it occurred to him to take a closer look at any of the failed candidates he sent letters of congratulation to. Shit, it's only Arkansas, where overt racists are dime a dozen and stupid speakers of the state legislature likewise!

5. Tony Fucking Clement. We need more Canadian sex stories? Like we need a hole in the head. Which can be easily accomplished by hitting the mindbleach, because Tony Fucking Clement and sex should not be juxtaposed in ANY brain.

6. John Fucking Fiala. How better to get off on sexual abuse charges than by destroying the evidence? Well, now that the Vatican is no longer in the business of sweeping that shit under the rug, one can hardly blame a pervert for trying.

7. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Finally, someone in the media stands up and calls him on his bullshit. Too bad it's only MotorTrend. Still, you've gotta start somewhere--let's hope others smell Pigman blood in the water and start a proper feeding frenzy.

8. Pete Fucking Arnold. Yep, the not-so-libertarian flibber is back this week. Figures that his "Birth or Not" site was just a hoax, designed to "stimulate debate". About what? Whether he's a controlling douchebag? That much is already a foregone conclusion. When your anti-choice stupidity costs your pregnant wife her job, maybe the real point of debate should be whether or not it's too late for her to seek a divorce.

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9. Mario Fucking Valdivia. Remember that video I posted earlier this week, of a woman on the New York subway calling out a pervert who rubbed up against her with his cock out? Well, the Hollaback Girls of the Internets helped the cops to catch the creep. And this is the creep they caught. Book 'im, Danno.

10. Edward Fucking Pasteck. And while we're on the subject of creeps with their cocks out, how about creeps with their hands out...and all over whatever part of a woman's body they can reach? This fool apparently thinks that's legal and acceptable--and ACCEPTED--in France. Guess what: It isn't. It's not even legal. There is a phrase for sexual harassment in French, and it is le harcèlement sexuel. Would that phrase exist if there were no reason for it? French women can, and DO, feel molested by guys who don't bother with such niceties of street etiquette as, you know, KEEPING YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. As one of Jezebel's commenters on Pasteck's ridiculous article says, "Try visiting Paris as a woman and then see what cute flirting stories you come back with."

11. Michael Fucking Ignatieff. So, Iggy the Boyar doesn't mind getting groped by airport security. Well, isn't that male privilege lovely? If he were a woman who'd been assaulted, he might have cause to see it very differently. But since he's a powerful male, meh--no biggie for Iggy.

12. Michael Fucking Coren. If you don't like equal rights for gays here in Canada, fuck back off to England. And take Mark Fucking Steyn with you.

13. Thomas Fucking Hackbarth. Why?

That's why. Creepy Gun Guy is creepy. With his GUN. In a Planned Parenthood parking lot, of all places, presumably waiting for a woman who blew him off. No, dickweed, she doesn't need your protection from anyone...but I think she might need protection from YOU. And so do the voters of your district. Can't believe anyone would be dumb enough to elect such a maroon.

14. Phil McFucking Coleman. Say what?

15. William Fucking Saletan. Women have been compromising on abortion for centuries. And paying for this bullshit "compromise" WITH THEIR LIVES. Either a woman gets to choose (and survive), or she does not. There is NO MIDDLE GROUND on this issue. And fuck'd be any man who even thinks to suggest it.

16. John Fucking Stossel. Socialism will starve you! Ha. Tell it to the people of Venezuela, who are using it to feed themselves and their neighbors and trading partners, Stache-man. Now they're no longer importing 80% of their food, as they were when capitalists reigned supreme. Arable land is once more in production, and unproductive large private lands, called latifundios, are being redistributed and made productive. And if the number of pudgies I'm seeing in news footage from there is any indication, the whole thing is working rather well. I don't see bony carcasses littering the barrio streets. But hey, John--don't let my nasty, inconvenient fact-finding spoil your self-righteous nonsense-fest. Chow down, turkey...and choke on it.

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17. Martin Joel Fucking Erzinger. The rich are different from the rest of us, and not just in how much pay they take home (or how little real work they do to get it, or how many of the rest of us they get to throw out of work to get it.) They also get away with mowing down cyclists who happen to be doctors...because it would look bad on their résumés. Call me crazy, but as someone who was also mown down (as a pedestrian) by a careless driver, I think it looks rather worse when someone is so rich and powerful that he's not charged, just let go. And I think it's worth bad-mouthing this guy and the idiot who thought he was too rich and valuable to charge. So, on that note, let me also introduce you to our next wanker...

18. Mark Fucking Hurlbert. Srsly, dude, what the fuck were you thinking???

19. Tom Fucking DeLay. The Bugman's in the jailhouse now, but he's still a wanker. Clicky the linky to see why.

20. Richard Fucking North. Being a climate-change denialist in this day and age is stupid enough. Being the liar who started the whole bogus scandal that was Climategate is beyond stupid. But in light of this jackass's latest (racist) jackassery, I propose that his new nickname be Jungle Bunny. And hey! With global warming going at the rate it is, it will probably fit him just fine before too long.

21. The Fucking Ontario Special Investigations Unit. The faults of the police during the G20 summit were many and scrupulously documented by independent media and private citizens alike; even the corporate media couldn't escape doing so. Protesters could be identified and arrested, so I'm sure, could bad cops. So, what's the SIU's excuse? I think they just don't want to do their job, or hold the cops accountable for the atrocities committed in the course of theirs. What do we pay these people for, again? A whole lotta nothin', obviously. PUBLIC INQUIRY NOW!

22. All the fucking dickweeds who commented here, including the fucking dickweed who wrote it--Noel Fucking JugEars Sheppard.

23. Robert Fucking Wickett. The law against polygamy is clear, and was passed in Canada the same year the mainstream Mormons renounced the sexual practice as a condition of statehood for Utah, where they remain the most highly concentrated. Polygamy is NOT a religious practice, and it is mumbo-jumbo to insist that it is, since it is not gods but men (often very old men) who do the fucking, and not goddesses but women and girls (often very young, underage girls) that get fucked. Plus there's the element of brainwashing, of forced marriages, and the alienation/abandonment of "excess" boys, that's needed to sustain this crazy, arcane business. But obviously, all of that is irrelevant to the fundie-Mormon FLDS, which is trying to use Canada's religious freedom guarantees to get a non-religious practice made legal here. Even worse, this shyster has the gall to say it's all a matter of "consent" when ex-FLDSers all say it is clearly NOT. The "right" to brainwash girls into believing they will never get into heaven unless they "consent" to "plural marriage" (i.e., organized sexual abuse) with a man not of their choosing does not exist in this country, either. And if these often-illegal immigrants can't abide by our laws, let them leave. We don't need that kind of "religious freedom" here.

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24. Joe Fucking Rehyansky. Why is a known sexual harasser being given a public forum in Fucker Carlson's crapaganda site? And why is he being allowed to say that lesbians in the military should be raped to make them straight? And above all, why is he too dumb to realize that "corrective" rape has just the opposite effect--it often turns women off men altogether? See, this is what happens when you think with the little head and not the big one, fellas.

25. Ron Fucking MacKinley. God's not in the smiting business anymore, dude. If She were, She'd whack you upside the head with a mackerel for being so Her-damned stupid. Accidents are NOT "mysterious ways". Also, the Sunday-shopping bill She was supposedly trying to prevent introduction of in the PEI legislature? It passed. Mysterious ways, indeed.

26. Randall Scott Fucking King. You're not doing much to dispel that whole TSA-worker-as-sexual-assailant meme there, dude.

27. Charles Fucking McVety. Transgendered women are not perverts, but this professional concern troll most certainly is one. A pervert, that is. Shouldn't he keep his nose out of women's washroom stalls, then, and mind his own damn business? Oh...I see. He likes to watch. Ugh.

28. Angeles Fucking Duran. You own the Sun now? Muy bien, off you go then. Enjoy. And don't bother sending a postcard.

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29. Justin Fucking Trudeau. It pains me to list a guy I usually like, dude, but that Movember 'stache is just trash. Even cute guys like you don't look good in 'em. Kidding! On a more substantive note, there's the little matter of what your party did, trying to woo our next wanker...

30. Julian Fucking Fantino. Chief No-Show apparently doesn't believe in debates. Probably not in democracy, either. Oh well, looks like he's gonna lose anyway, so no biggie.

31. and 32. Tony Fucking Blair and Christopher Fucking Hitchens. Can't believe they packed a concert hall, which could have been full of music lovers instead, for a "debate" between the Poodle (a war-mongering godbag) and the Bitch (a war-mongering infidel). The big non-event pitted two of Dubya's biggest schlong-suckers against each other over something other than Dubya's micropenis. Purportedly, anyway. I ignored it*, as anyone should who has better things to do on a Friday night than to listen to two plummy-voiced twits arguing about how many angels can or can't dance on the head of Dubya's dick.

33. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?

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That's why. People who support Israeli apartheid have no business talking about "hatefests", much less referring to the UN as one.

34. Bill Fucking Whatcott. What cott, indeed. Is there anything this man actually loves, or at least, doesn't hate? If there is, I don't know what it could be. I'm just glad I'm not like him. A man who tries to mail his own feces to the Governor-General is one sick fuck.

35. Kathy Fucking Shaidle. Why?

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That's why. Justin's younger brother, Michel, died in an avalanche. His body has never been recovered. Justin has done good work trying to raise awareness of avalanche danger since then. And Ms. Five-Feet-o-Fugly knows that, and doesn't give a shit. She can't criticize him substantively on the issues, as I've done--she just automatically wishes him the worst. And that's why nobody likes her.

36. and 37. John Fucking Pierce and Shane Fucking McCrary Because under-endowed Texan males need the "right" to parade their penis compensators in public, anytime, anywhere! Otherwise, freedumb is in chains!

38. Alicia Fucking Machado. Why?

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That's why. The poor dim dear couldn't tell China and Korea apart. Dang those East Asians! They're all yellow, they all have those funny eyes...no wonder she couldn't do it. Hey, it's an easy mistake to make if you're a former Miss Universe. They don't call them brainy pageants, after all. But then the real crowning moment for the ex-queen came when she closed her Twitter account, claiming it to have been overrun by "psychopaths". Um, Alicia? Those "psychopaths" were just ordinary Venezuelans of all stripes, laughing their asses off at you. Wouldn't be the first time you've given them cause to do that, either.

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And finally, to the two FUX Snoozes, North and South. A stopped clock tells time better than either of you. All the same, I don't consult stopped clocks. That should tell you how likely I am to tune in to your "quality" programming. Elitist that I am, I'm keeping my 99th-percentile IQ the way it is, and there ain't a damn thing either of you can do about it. And the intelligent majorities of North America are with me, not you.

Good night, and get fucked!

*Full disclosure: I ignored it, beyond scrounging up the linky and firing off two or three pissy tweets. I'm allowed to do that, right?

November 20, 2010

Wankers of the Week: T 'n' A--er, TSA--edition

Just when you thought life couldn't suck harder, it started to blow. The above is only a slight exaggeration of the already insane number of hoops we have to jump through just to visit our friends south of the border. And here's who else is making the intolerable even worse for us this week:

1. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Hey Pigman, did you know Sasha is, in fact, a genderless name? Guess not. Guess you just never can pass up an opportunity to be a sexist shit, eh Rush?

2. Joseph Fucking Tarnopolsky. Bad enough that he wrecked a 14-year-old girl's reputation by having sex with her. And yeah, stupid move not picking someone of consenting age. But then he bitched about her in public (and yes, the tweeter counts as "in public", since all but direct messages are generally visible), which is what drove her to suicide. Yeah, dude, your reputation is shot to shit now, and deservedly so. I hope it stays that way for life.

3. Alison Fucking Reynolds. Posing as the daughter of a famous poet for purposes of tax evasion? Stupid. Posing as the twin daughters of T.S. Eliot? Doubly stupid, since he never had a child. Getting caught? Priceless.

4. Virginia Fucking Thomas. Yes, Drunk Dialin' Ginni is stepping down as head of her own teabag social club. One wonders if it had any actual members besides herself.

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5. Rona Fucking Ambrose. I guess she does do something besides sit around flat-ironing her hair, after all. Too bad that what she's doing is irreparable damage to the cause of missing aboriginal women...and to Canadian women's rights in general.

6. James O'Fucking Keefe. Oh look, Casanova the Douchebag is back. And this time, he's trying to screw schoolteachers. Including one who once risked her life to protect her young charges. Fuck off, you.

7. Andy Fucking Harris. I have it on the authority of the entire progressive US tweeterverse that this one is, and I quote, "the biggest assbag in the whole fucking world". Hey, who am I to argue with Teh Tweeter? And yes, Politico-morons, he WAS being hypocritical in "pointing out the inadequacies" of the reforms...because those inadequacies exist thanks to Repugs like him. Were he and his coreligionists not such a bunch of obstructing corporatist asshats, the entire US might actually have publicly-funded, single-payer healthcare, like we Canucks do. And he would have one less thing to bitch about.

8. Pat Fucking Sajak, again. Now we know why he no longer has a talk show. Why is he taking credit for "introducing" Keith Olbermann to the nation's airwaves, as though the latter couldn't do the job brilliantly himself? Pat, word of advice: Stick to Wheel of Fortune. At least there, you won't embarrass yourself too much. PS: Do we really need Wheel of Fortune? For that matter, do we really need another right-wing dingbat hosting any show, period?

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9. Loy Fucking Mauch. No, the Confederate flag is NOT "a symbol of Jesus Christ", any more than a KKK cross-burning is. It's a symbol of slavery, racism, intimidation and oppression. Also, the insanity of certain white southerners, self-explanatorily known as CRACKERS.

10. Mel Fucking Gibson. Never, in the history of humankind, has anyone EVER been "calmed down" by SLAPPING. Especially not if it breaks a woman's teeth. That said, someone please slap this crazy motherfucker and knock some of his fillings loose. He seems hysterical.

11. John Fucking McCain. That Snooki thing is just plain ooky.

12. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, "her" apolitical Alaska is SO political! Everything about it, right down to the non-government-dependent mama bears, is a "subtlety" that she's trying to cash in on for the sake of her own ambition, which is to go on living off the government without actually working. (Also, BOOBS. Surely not a "subtlety" for our Christian "feminist" Sarah either, eh?) PS: WTF is "lazzay fare"? Was she trying to speak French? If so, cheese-eating surrender monkey FAIL. PPS: Mama Grizzly fail, too. Who raised some entitled little whiners, again? As I recall, none of the other contestants on Dancing With the Stars have a retinue of 'bots, egged on by mom, rigging the voting in their favor.

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13. and 14. Willow and Bristol Fucking Palin. Snotty, bratty, conceited little homophobes, you say? Like mother, like daughters, say I. PS: Oh wait, it gets even better. One of the guys Willow got all snotty with is fat because he has Crohn's disease and takes steroids for it. Can you say LOW? PPS: Bristol, get the fuck off the air, NOW.

15. Vic Fucking Toews. No, the US does NOT have a right to any of our info. If we're flying over them without stopping, it hardly concerns them as long as the plane keeps going and doesn't blow up or smack into anything. And even if we do stop in--what business is it of theirs? All this stupid right-wing talk of small government is just sheer bullshit hypocrisy when the right-wingers are the most intrusive snoopers in our private lives when they get into government.

16. David Fucking Barton. Your blatant homophobia makes me want to kick you. Right between the legs.

17. Joanne Fucking Hill. Yeah, I'm sure George Galloway will be totally fooled by pro-Israeli fascists dressing up in, and I quote: "...a keffiyeh or hijab or hippy-type clothing (blue jeans, Birkenstock sandals with socks, hand-woven Guatemalan man-purses, long scarves on men, etc.)" Get with the times, JoJo...blue jeans are not just for hippies anymore, and your stereotyped descriptions are actually going to make your minions stick out like the sore thumbs they are. Nowadays, leftists and Muslims can wear whatever they like...and some of us socialists don't lug our shit in hand-woven Guatemalan purses, but in top-grain leather. PS: Pro-Palestinian lefties aren't the confused ones, either, JoJo.

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18. Michael Fucking Ben Ari. From the heart of my "bloody" German bottom to you, sir bigot--KISS MY ASS.

19. All the fucking Palinbots gaming the system on Dancing With the Stars. We see what you did there. Your talentless homophobic hack won't win, don't worry. You can quit forging e-mail accounts now.

20. Robin Fucking Dubner. You know you're losing the public debate on Palestine when you have to pepper-spray some nice Jewish peaceniks.

21. Peter Fucking Skaarup. Trust me, bare boobs will NOT scare Muslims (or any other unwanted immigrants) away from Denmark. Try inviting Yoani Fucking Sánchez, her face (and more importantly, her hideous crapaganda) could stop anything.

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22. Peter LaBarbera. Yeah, I'm sure there are tons of gay TSA screeners who just can't wait to get their hot little hands on your poor, unloved cock. Actually, I'm even more sure that this is your deep, dark, inadmissible sexual fantasy talking, and nothing more. PS: I'm sure Barney Frank appreciates knowing that you masturbate over his picture, too.

23. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Who voted for this crazy bitch? Whoever did, the blood of democracy is on your hands, you fucking idiots.

24. Keith Fucking Ablow. I really don't care to learn about "Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life" from anyone who's hot for the cheesy, hemorrhoidal bod of Glenn Fucking Beck.

25. Fucking PETA. Why?

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That's why. Let us count what is wrong with this picture: Bullshit (there ARE fat vegans, which kind of puts a crimp in PETA's spin); misogyny (nothing new for PETA); bullshit (the scanner doesn't show you flatteringly posed in your prettiest undies, but awkwardly naked) and oh yeah, did I mention bullshit? This is not an environmentally or humanly friendly device. The scanner carries an elevated risk of skin cancer. Are these strident morons telling us to be proud of that, too? Thanks, PETA idiots, for yet another epic fail.

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26. Stephen Fucking Harper. Now we know why he packed the Senate with unelected SupposiTories. It was so Canada would never do anything about climate change--which, ironically, affects our far north disproportionately, and makes him look like an ass on Arctic sovereignty everytime the pack ice melts. Which it's doing faster and faster nowadays.

27. Bryan Fucking Fischer. You and your bloodthirsty sky-pixie can both go to hell. None of the wars currently raging are anything remotely resembling "just" wars.

28. The Fucking Grauniad, again. When you publish the insane burblings of Pamela Fucking Geller, you're not a news site anymore. Even under Comment is Free, that's just beyond ridiculous. She has her own shitty blog, let her flap and squawk there; she doesn't need another forum, much less from a once respected British centre-left newspaper. Which you no longer are. You are through the Looking Glass, right in the heart of Fascist Crapagandalandia.

29. Gretchen Fucking Carlson. Self-defecate much? Hahahahahahaha. Awesomest Freudian slip EVER.

30. Pete Fucking Arnold. Behold the hypocrisy of the "libertarians" when it comes to a woman's body. Here's the Man of the House, using his (presumably pregnant) wife to "prove" some kind of patriarchal point about abortion. He wants other people to vote on whether she gets one or not--banking on it that the majority will say no, proving some anti-choice shit or other? There's only one vote that counts--HERS. Nice of Sexist Troll Boy to forget that. Sorry, Petey-pants, but I'm not biting...being truly pro-choice, I'm not going to make up someone else's mind for her. But I will say this: Hey, Alisha--ever consider divorcing this loser?

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31. Robert Fucking Poole. What's his answer to the TSA's invasive porno-scanners and gropings? Letting the private sector do the exact same things, for profit, with even less-adequately-trained screeners. Passengers would pay through the nose for this privilege of having their privacy violated by an underpaid stranger. The private sector is, incidentally, the one responsible for giving us those porno-scanners in the first place.

32. Cindy Fucking Jacobs. She wonders why heads of state don't consult the likes of her? Superstition and stupidity on her part might have something to do with that. But of course, she calls those traits "prophecy, discernment, and wisdom". That's the demon Delusion talking, kiddies.

33. Chris Fucking Bentley. Talk about someone who just doesn't get it. Right as transgendered people hold their annual Day of Remembrance for fellow transfolk who died at the hands of haters, the so-called attorney general of Ontario won't move to amend our provincial human rights code to include gender identity as a basis of hate crime. Not only are transfolk being made to risk their lives selling sex to pay for their gender realignment, the province isn't doing the least little thing to protect them from the violent trolls lurking out there, waiting for an opportunity to "cleanse" society of them. This is actually worse than a wank; it's tantamount to murder. PS: Special boos to LifeShite for abetting this blunder with a lot of crazy theory of their own.

34. The Fucking Vatican. Oh, oh, oh. Condoms are now okay, but only for male hookers. That still leaves the vast majority of HIV-positive people defenceless, for those keeping track. Pity those who take Rome's directives seriously. And then go out and get thee a pack of Ramses.

35. Cedric Fucking Miller. Facebook is a "portal to infidelity". So says a man who clearly didn't need it to help him mess around. Feel free to share that linky on all your fave social media networks, kiddies.

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And finally, to the mouse that croaked in my study this week, somewhere out of reach behind a wall. You miserable, stinking little motherfucker! Being in the same room with you is like breathing secondhand smoke mixed with rotting cabbage and shitty diapers, only worse. I can't wait till you desiccate. If only there were a hell, I'd wish you would rot there, and save me the grief of smelling you.

Good night, and get fucked!

November 13, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Dial N for Nincompoop

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Ring-ding-a-ling...Teh Stoopid is calling. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Fortunately, you've got me to pick up...and this is who rang my chimes this week:

1. Gregory Fucking Hartnell. Screaming homophobic Red Menace resurrectors, anyone? I strongly doubt that there are enough anti-choice assholes in Victoria, BC, to take this one seriously, but I thought I'd list him anyway, just so y'all could have a good laugh at his expense.

2. Jeff Fucking McGuire. Not all cops are assholes with badges, but this one is. If you can't apologize to the innocent people whose lives you wrecked during the Toronto G-20, you might as well turn in your uniform. You're not serving and protecting anyone; you're a menace to the public.

3. The Fucking Grauniad. Yes, that's right, the UK Guardian, that once reliable paper of the centre-left, is listed this week. Why? For confusing Avaaz, an international NGO, with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. In other words, they passed off a popular international groundswell against right-wing media...as the heavy hand of the state at work. (Item: The channel in question would be overwhelmingly supportive of the current SupposiTory government.) That's not witty, that's shitty reporting. Get some original thinking in there, you twits, and quit trying to be cute.

4. Barbara Fucking Bush. Way to make a fetus fetishist of your son, Babs--inflicting the remains of a miscarriage on him. That is the most grotesque fucking thing I've read all week; it's right up there with Rick Fucking Santorum making his family fondle a fetal corpse instead of releasing it to the morgue to be buried. You just don't do things like that to a kid--it fucks them up.

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5. George W. Fucking Bush. I did say it fucks them up, did I not? Dubya is so fucking "pro-life" as a result of his mom's grotty fetus-in-the-pickle-jar stunt that he has no problem ordering people to be slowly drowned. Or bragging about it. This is what psychopathic war criminals are like, folks. All concern-trollish about the contents of wombs, and all callous indifference once the kid is out of utero, especially if it's non-white and comes from some other country. And they don't see one iota of their own massive cognitive dissonance, either. I bet he thinks "Thou Shalt Not Kill" applies ONLY to fetuses, and that every single person born (outside of his own small circle, of course) is fair game. PS: STFU about Venezuela, and just FOAD. Srsly, Shrub, no one fucking cares what you "think" anymore. Least of all down there. Go drink yourself insensible and quit running your idiot mouth. You've embarrassed and horrified your country enough with the pickled-fetus thing and your two unnecessary wars already.

6. Jill Fucking Montgomery. Why?

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That's why. Millions of cancer-stricken and birth-deformed Vietnamese no doubt know the score MUCH better than head-in-a-sandhill Jill.

7. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Impersonating Keith Olbermann? Well, we all knew Bowtie Boy was no real journalist; it's why he dresses up as one but never delivers the goods. Still, isn't this going a bit far?

8. Ann Fucking Coulter. Just for being on Dubya's reading list (as befits his chief, glib, Ivy League pseudo-intellectual fluffer), the Coultergeist deserves a permanent place on everybody's wank-list.

9. Elie Fucking Wiesel. Same link as #8. Approving of Dubya's plans for Gulf War II is NOT the act of a decent humanitarian, or worthy of a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Get thee up there with Henry Fucking Kissinger.

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10. Greg Fucking Thompson. If you're gonna hand-pick your successor from the so-called Canadian Taxpayers' Federation (which, incidentally, does NOT represent the average Canadian taxpayer, but Big Fucking Bidness), you might not want to promote him using taxpayer money or taxpayer-funded Commons resources. Eh?

11. Lou Fucking Dobbs. The #1 racist hypocrite in US media finally lands his FUX Snooze gig. Only took the old bastard a year to do it, too. Fuck you, Lou.

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. I'm still waiting for the Wango Tango Wacko to start sucking on his loaded gun. Right now, as he has done throughout his career, he's just plain sucking, period. But hey, as long as he does his shitting in the Washington Moonie Times, and not his pants, who cares?

13. John Fucking Gilliand. This one's bat-shit nutso, but he's still a damn sight saner than #12. Or #14, come to that...

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14. Glenn Fucking Beck. Hate the Jews much? Next thing we know, the Human Hemorrhoid will be telling us that the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is a real, honest-to-gawd Jewish conspiracy. He's already dredged up every other crappy antisemitic book in the library, so why stop at that one? PS: Saying you aren't, when no one accused you of it, is basically saying you are.

15. Fucking Amazon.com. Guess who won't be buying anything of theirs until they get rid of that odious self-published guide to "pedosexual" activity? And no, this is NOT a free-speech issue. Because there is NO "safe", let alone legal, way for an adult to rape a child, and there should be no "guide" purporting to reveal it, either.

16. Philip Fucking Greaves. See above. 'nuff said.

17. Bryan Fucking Fischer, again. Somehow, I don't think he's talking about Sarah Fucking Palin and her "mama grizzlies" when he says grizzly bears are a "curse" that should be wiped out. I say he and his ilk are the real curse. And if they're gonna go killing anything, let it be themselves.

18. Chris Fucking Wallace. His dad must be rolling in his grave. Not only is Mike Wallace's son a lousy journalist (working for FUX, where else?), he's a skeezy, scuzzy, skeevy, scummy excuse for a man. I never thought I'd see the day I felt sorry for Mike Fucking Gallagher, who hawkishly jeered Cindy Sheehan on the loss of her son to Gulf War II, but Chris Fucking Wallace made me do it. Fuck you, Chris, fuck you very much.

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19. Joe Fucking Warmington. Excuse me, Joe, but when did Remembrance Day become synonymous with chickenhawks cheerleading war by kissing veterans' asses? Oh, only NEVER, that's when. It was ALWAYS about peace...otherwise, what's the point of remembering a war? The idea of remembering all that horror is not to repeat that motherfucking bullshit, dumbass. David Miller was right when he said that war was depravity. So's your shitty column.

20. Kristina Fucking Schröder. Like I so often say, conservative women are conservatives first, women dead last. That's why, if it's a contest between a progressive man and a conservative woman, I'll vote for the dude; he'll at least strive to make things better for everyone, including me. A conservative woman? Pfui Teufel. All they care about is the moneyed interests, same as their chauvinistic male counterparts. And they'll misrepresent feminism, too, while they're at it. It's the same in Germany as anywhere else: Make a conservative woman a government minister, and she'll only throw her entire sex under the bus. Was für 'ne Unverschämtheit!

21. Christie Fucking Blatchford. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the fucking kitchen and don't light the fucking stove. And if you can't face student protest, don't go on campus with your inflammatory bullcrap. But don't spout off about "censorship", because nobody censored you. You wimp out, you own your wimphood. Just like the Coultergeist, Christie Blatchford is a big, fat, bullying wimp who can't face the Anti-Racist Action activists who came, not to censor, but to call her on her shit. And yes, she is RACIST.

22. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Yes, he's ba-ack. And this time, for sheer absurdity. I can tell you as a woman that there is NO cause so compelling that I'd ever consider inserting a tampon bomb to wage suicide terrorism for it. That's just too repugnant to even contemplate. But apparently not for Gomer...because he's a Repugnican, and they've cornered the market on crazy.

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23. Gretchen Fucking Carlson, same link as above. "Over sexed youth" use tampons because of the feeling? What kind of mental virgin comes up with shit like that? A properly placed tampon can't (and shouldn't) be felt! Has it ever occurred to her that we use those things because they're invisible and less cumbersome than maxipads? No, no...too obvious and not prurient enough.

24. Erika Fucking Winchester. No, it's not a bit racist to refer to your black mailman as a nigger. Not a bit. Just like it's not a bit crazy to repeatedly rant and assault people. Which this woman has also done.

25. Carolee Fucking Bildsten. Whacking a cop with a dildo is outré enough. But a dildo still attached to a harness? That's not kinky, that's perverted. (Also hilarious.)

26. Sarah Fucking Palin. Remember how she bragged about taking advantage of Canada's single-payer healthcare? Well, this makes her look an even bigger fucking hypocrite than that did. Not to mention a bigger fucking idiot. If you really want to prevent abortion, the thing to do is not destroy Obama's very modest healthcare reforms, but to USE BIRTH CONTROL, YOU IDIOT.

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27. Cindy Fucking McCain. Shameful doubletalk. Or should I say doubletweet?

28. John Fucking Shimkus. Never mind God; it's MAN who is destroying the Earth, and we already know what the word of a man is worth. Never mind what some book says; that's the word of man, too. And man has no business passing himself off as a god. When my own neighbors are living on top of radioactive waste, more than a million cubic metres of it, and global warming is a reality, and the polar bears are starving because the Arctic pack ice is no longer forming properly, then all the "Word of God" won't save you. Stupidity, basic human stupidity, is the real devil here.

29. Tony Fucking Blair. Stay out of my country and its affairs, you fucking poodle. And don't go supporting the SupposiTories, either.

30. Miguel Fucking Hernández Souquett. You shit on the Bolivarian Revolution, the Bolivarian Revolution shits right back on you. How's that for reciprocity! And for those anglo media whores wringing their hands over this dumbass shitter and the so-called infringement on his freedom of speech, may I remind you that I'd probably be arrested for wearing a shirt reading "Fuck Stephen Harper", and my US friends likewise for one reading "Fuck Bush". Hell, people were arrested for much less offensive wear than that during the last G-20 summit here, no slogans necessary. And BRUTALIZED, too.

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And finally, to Mikey the Twitter Troll. Yes, Mikey, I hate you...for standing me up. If you really have my phone number, why don't you call it and see what happens? If you really have my e-mail address, why don't you use it and see what response you get? And if you really have my home address, why not show up in person? I guarantee you that a good time will be had...well, by me, anyway. Your mileage will almost certainly vary. (See above image for illustration.)

Good night, and get fucked!

November 9, 2010

This is what cowardice looks like

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Hey, Mike: I see what you did there. Perhaps you'd like the Indiana Attorney General's office to see it, too? That could certainly be arranged. What you did qualifies as cyberstalking under US law, just so you know:

The United States Communications Decency Act was a piece of legislation that imposed heavy punishments upon anyone who:

(i) in interstate or foreign communications -

(A) by means of telecommunications device knowingly -

(ii) initiates the transmission of, any comment request, suggestion, proposal, or other telecommunications which is obscene, lewd, lascivious, filthy, or indecent, with the intent to annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass another person.

(E) make repeated telephone calls or repeatedly initiates communication with a telecommunication device, during which conversation or communication ensues, solely to harass any person at the called number or who receives the communication.

Emphasis added.

I see at least four points in there that apply to your pissy little tweet: Annoy, abuse, threaten or harass. That IS what you were trying to do, and don't you deny it.

Well, annoyed and harassed I may well be. I'm always disgusted when some titty-baby coward who doesn't even have the guts to debate me like a man goes around calling me a bitch behind my back. But threatened? By someone who can't even properly post the URL to my blog? Ha, ha, FAIL. My personal info is not publicly available, and even if it were, I doubt you'd have the skills to ferret it out.

And who are you planning to distribute it to? Your eight measly followers? Double-ha-ha-FAIL. I can pick up as many on any given day, and real ones, too. DECENT ones. In other words: Not like you. Maybe that's what's got your undescended testicles in a knot? Here's a sure-fire popularity-increasing tip: Try not being such a fucking asshole. You want women to like you? Don't go around calling them bitches. Man up and talk to them, to their faces, CIVILLY, even if you don't agree with what they're saying. If you can do that, there might be hope for you. But threatening to distribute their personal info, which you can't get, to stalkers? Just because you have a small penis? Dude, that's just childish. And pathetic. And oh yeah, ILLEGAL.

Go ahead, Mike, make my day. I dare ya. Got the cojones to comment now, or are you still gonna go the whiny passive-agressive, Angry Inch route?

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November 6, 2010

Wankers of the Week: The murky month of No

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November has got to be my least favorite month. Maybe because it starts with No. As in: No leaves on the trees, no green on the grass, no real daylight hours left. And no warmth in your bones. It's a month that feels like death. And people like these--no love in the heart, no brains in the head, no guts in the belly--aren't making it any better for me, either:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. A campaign deficit, you say? And it's how much? And you're planning to pay it off HOW? See, I did predict that this nasty fuck's honeymoon would be over before it began, and oh, how right I was! Things like this make me perversely glad to be living in the 905 region all of a sudden. PS: Look what else Robbo lied about. Maybe this is how he plans to pay off HIS deficit. Won't help him with the one he's gonna run up by the time he gets through wrecking TO, though.

2. John Fucking Boehner. You know you're an asshat when Roseanne Cash--yes, the venerable Johnny's daughter--takes to the tweeter to spank you.

3. Danny Fucking Williams. Way to justify the dick joke, you dick.

4. Rick Fucking Perry. Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, but Wall St. isn't? Um, yeah. Just wait till this one starts drawing his old age pension. Or the fat one he gets, whether he wants it or not, as a former elected official.

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5. James Fucking Pasternak. Memo to the new Toronto city council member: Queers Against Israeli Apartheid (QuAIA) is NOT an antisemitic hate group. It is exactly what its name says. And PrideTO, which has always been a political event (or at least was one before it became commercialized out of all recognition!) doesn't need censorship or sanitizing. "Scrutinize" all you want, but at the end of the day, if you've got a brain, you'll be eating your words and leaving Pride AND QuAIA alone.

6. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Yup, the old figilio di puttana has stuck his foot in it again. This time, he managed to insult both women AND the gay men who like them. Memo to Da Berluscoglioni: Having sex with a lot of women (especially if you have to pay for it) doesn't mean you don't hold them in contempt. And NOT having sex with them doesn't mean you don't still love them. I don't expect a facelifted old fart with a gigantic ego and a pea brain (and an eeny teeny peenie) to know that much, so that's why I'm putting it out there. PS: Oh, FUCK.

7. Fucking Dubya. As long as he lives, the massive fucking wank that was his reign will simply not die. Case in point: his memoirs. He had a "sickening feeling" about not finding WMDs in Iraq? Shit, that's nothing compared to what the Iraqis felt at being bombed for fuck-all. And no, getting rid of Saddam doesn't make up for all that. Remember Rummy shaking hands with that bastard back in the '80s? Of course Dubya doesn't, he was probably still vacuuming up the coke like it was going out of style. Anything to avoid laying the blame on your old man where it really belongs, eh George? PS: A "dissenting voice"? This real dissenter calls BUSHIT. Remember who said he was The Decider? That's right, Dubya did. And no, he didn't exhaust all diplomatic options. Anyone who even timidly suggested that he do so was swatted aside. And Dubya doesn't remember that? Guess he, like Ronnie Raygun, reigned with dementia. Isn't there a law against mentally incompetent people holding federal office? Why is this man not locked away? Oh, that's right...state mental hospitals defunded for the umpteenth time. Repugnicans at work, folks.

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8. Linda Fucking Harvey. Somehow, I don't recall Michelle Obama mongering hate against obese kids the way this wankeress does against gays. Holier-than-thou FAIL!

9. Mike Fucking Sorrentino. Nice bod, shame about his entire fucking head. His face is dough, and his brain is cabbage. Yeah, I guess saying I wouldn't do him even if he stuck a bag over it makes me a "grenade". So fucking what? Who cares what this tacky assclown "thinks"? Between him and his equally douched-out brother, Palookaville is getting awfully crowded. And the young adults of the US prefer watching this shithead to being politically informed and voting? FAIL.

10. Christine O'Fucking Donnell. With any luck, this will be the last time I list her. Or maybe not. Her non-concession concession speech doesn't hold out much hope for me, know what I'm sayin'?

11. Evan Fucking Bayh. A quitter who lost enthusiasm and votes by catering only to the Blue Dog minority and abandoning the progressive base is the last person who should be telling his party what to do. Right-wing nutjobs and wimpy-ass centrists are never gonna vote Dem, so fuck 'em. If the Dems want to win, the formula is simple: Work on a true progressive agenda and don't bother trying to woo those who will never be won. You can't fix stupid, and you can't win with stupid on board. In short, Evan the Loser: Shut the fuck up and go the hell away. You've done enough damage already.

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12. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Nancy Pelosi was never a favorite of mine, especially not when she defended "MY president", the unelected Dubya, from the well-founded criticisms of a man he repeatedly tried to kill, namely Chavecito. Still, the Pigman is about 10,000 times worse than she is, and you can rest assured I'm already working on a playlist of songs with which I'll commemorate his departure from this world when the time comes.

13. Jim Fucking Prentice. For once in his miserable political career, he actually did something right for the environment. Then, less than a week later, he up and quits. To spend more time with his family. Oh yeah, and did we mention that for him, "family" means the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce--an environmental and social villain if ever there was one?

14. Arianna Fucking Huffington. Yes, she's listed, as much as it pains me. I know she's a recovering Repug, and that's cool, but is publishing gross sexism really the best way to fight the most grossly sexist party in the world? Didn't she see enough of that shit when she was still one? Didn't her mother ever teach her not to sink to their level?

15. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she's still making news. No, she still won't talk to the media (excluding FUX Snooze, of course). But even when confined to the tweeter, she's still as stooperfluous as ever. (And racist. Surprise, surprise.) Oh yeah, and reality-impaired, too.

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16. Randall Fucking Terry. Who knew that Truth and Justice could become dirty words? They have...in the mouth of a murderous bastard who wants Republican candidates to show anti-choice gore-porn on TV.

17. Sharron Fucking Angle. Yup, another non-concession concession speech. Do any of these teabags have even a remote connection to reality? Even one?

18. Glenn Fucking Beck. I guess this must mean Obama isn't a Muslim anymore. Make up your mind, asshat, as to which he is. Oh wait...you think he WAS one, but converted? Fail. He was a Christian all along. BTW, if you want to know what kind of violent death I fantasize for you, it goes like this: I hope you hemorrhage to death when your exploding hemorrhoids finally blow your head out of your ass. PS: You know you're a fucking asshat when Nouriel Rubini slams you on your lack of basic fiscal comprehension.

19. Mayara Fucking Petruso. So much for the assertion that Brazil is a racial democracy. Seems that racism is still alive and well there, although happily, it's NOT "protected" speech, on the Internet or anywhere else. Her online tirades against nonwhites from Brazil's northeast (she calls them bums) got her into trouble at work. Fired, actually. And it serves her bloody well right.

20. Karl Fucking Rove. He just got beaten up by another girl--namely, Sarah Fucking Palin. The only thing that would make me happier would be to hear that another leftie chick clobbered him.

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Failing that, this would also work for me.

21. Mark Fucking Steyn. Education is turning us into wimps--and dooming us all to become slaves of MUSLIMS! So says yet another right-wing nutjob bogus intellectual who never made it past high school. Oh, and get this: Mr. Macho got his start in "journalism" as a musical theatre critic. Mark, is that a little pink skeleton I hear, doing the Watusi in your closet?

22. Rand Fucking Paul. "There are no rich. There is no middle class. There are no poor", claims the man who clearly parachuted in from some other planet where that may be the case. (It is not at all the case here!) But there are definitely stupid people on this planet, and if he's not one of them, the gullible gomers who elected him a senator for Kentucky certainly are.

23. Judith Fucking Griggs. No, the entire Internet is NOT "the public domain". There's a word for what you did to Monica Gaudio (among others), and it is THEFT. The fact that you claim to have been doing it for three decades is especially rich; that's more than long enough to learn that it is WRONG. Anything written by others which you publish, for profit, is work you should at least offer to pay those others for, however modestly. Saying "it happens all the time" is no excuse; frequency of occurrence is not a measure of legality or acceptability. Plagiarism is still plagiarism, no matter where it happens or how often. There is such a thing as fair use, and what you did does not qualify. Fair use means citing a portion of text, as long as is needed to make a point (and as brief as possible), and giving the author due credit. It is NOT lifting a whole article, editing it as you please, and then republishing it, under any name, without so much as a by-your-leave--if republishing an article, especially in edited form, you should ALWAYS ASK THE AUTHOR FIRST! It is also considered a courtesy to explain how you plan to edit the piece, so that the author understands and agrees to the changes. And there is also a word for the whole effrontery of telling someone else she should compensate you for stealing and mangling her work, too. The word is CHUTZPAH. PS: You're a lousy writer yourself, Judith--a poor speller, and as stingy with punctuation as you are with your authors. Your magazine title needs an apostrophe, and your snotty e-mail to Monica is missing several commas. You also misspelled the Cortland apple, and it should be "Late peaches until they're gone"! No wonder you have to steal other people's work; you're not good enough to produce your own. After "doing this for 3 decades", that, too, is inexcusable. You should be paying ME for pointing THAT out--and grateful that none of your advertisers were smart enough to catch on to your 30-year grift.

24. Stephen Fucking Fry. Nice non-apology apology, dude! Here's one from an offended feminist, which will no doubt offend you: I'm sorry your ego is so easily bruised. I'm also sorry you were such a fucking idiot, and so completely fucking ignorant about women in particular and society in general. Next time you feel like getting all ahead of yourself, follow this infallible formula: Open eyes, open ears, open mind, and keep big mouth shut.

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25. Fucking Harpo. How little do women matter to him and his so-called government? O, let us count the ways; we could be here all day. Or just read the link for one of them. PS: Call this fiscal conservatism? Wastrel. Oh well, I guess you can find ways to make up for that, eh?

26. Fucking MSNBC. Fucking hell, Keith Olbermann was the only thing on that channel worth watching, and they cut him? For a political donation? It would be only fair if they did the same to Joe Fucking Scarborough, but of course they won't. The fact that there's an R after his name makes him different, somehow...I guess.

27. Jackson Fucking Diehl. Somebody remind this ideological assclown that neither Fidel nor Chavecito was running for election this fall. Or re-election, in the case of the latter. And that neither Fidel nor Chavecito gives a damn if Repugs DO own the House of Representatives right now. Surprisingly, both these men are well aware (as Diehl is apparently not) that a lot of Dems are equally bad at foreign relations and that whole diplomatic, not-trampling-Latin-America-like-a-stupid-gringo thing. Remember Nancy Fucking Pelosi?

28. Mark Fucking Penn. And speaking of ideological assclowns and Dems, how about this former "advisor" to Her Royal Clintoness? He's not working for her anymore--there's a shocker--but she's still ill-advised when it comes to LatAm, because her basic tune doesn't differ all that much from Auntie Condi's. Yer honor, my case rests.

29. and 30. Terry Fucking Nunn and Blair Fucking Crowley. Yes, the wankers of the Campbellford Legion's Halloween costume contest have been identified. And guess what? The one in the blackface is a retired Toronto police officer and his best friend is black. Of all the people who should know better...aw, who are we kidding? The only way this could have been more offensive is if he'd been the one to don the Kluker sheet and his black buddy had worn the noose.

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And finally to "pub", whose e-mail address (probably bogus, but what the hell) I've decided to link in case any of you lovebugs feel like writing him a little heart-warmer; the poor basement-bound bastard can probably use it. I banned him for leaving the following sploodge on this entry here...

You are such an ignorant, intolerant piece of Canadian shit. Mind your own fucking business, freak.

That pithy little piece of projecthun--sorry, projection--comes to us from IP #68.229.194.106. That's in Oklahoma City. Where they know all about how ignorant and intolerant we peaceniks are. Why, our ignorance and intolerance could have prevented a warmongering terrorist from blowing up their Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, and calling the kids in its daycare centre "collateral damage". If we freaks only hadn't minded our own fucking business! But of course, we did, and 168 people died that day. Ah, the glory of the Supreme Sacrifice...

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And just think. Letting things like this happen is what passes for intelligence and tolerance with certain denizens of OKfuckingC. I'd hate to imagine what's in the local water. Maybe it's leftover toxic residue from Tim McVeigh's truck bomb, still eating people's brains after all this time. Beating your dick raw on a stranger's desktop won't help you there, pal. Here's what will: Get out of Redneck City a bit, see the world, and learn something about cultures that aren't based on superstition, racism, greed, and yee-haw. That way, you won't be as tempted to make war...or whack off on my blog.

Good night, and get fucked!

October 30, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Crappy Halloween!

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'Tis Halloween,
The lamp is lit--
And in the pies
The pumpkins shit--
Poop out their innards bit by bit--
Till Sister Jane says FLUSH!

Crappy Halloween, everyone! Forget all the ghosties and ghoulies and things that go bump in the night. It's the ones without the costumes you have to be wary of, because they've been out playing dirty tricks on us all week. And here they are, in no particular order. Get ready...Count Floyd says it's gonna be scary!

1. Rob Fucking Ford. You're damn right, Toronto is united...and it's gonna get a lot more so. United, that is, against YOU, you evil, bigoted, rageaholic swinebag. I'm not sure how it's possible to be arrested for public intoxication AND drug possession and still be eligible to run for office, but I guess whatever happens in Miami, stays in Miami. (Gawd, what a fucking awesome town. Not only does all the scum from Latin America wash up there on a regular basis, but all the crap from North America, too. Damn those ocean currents!) PS: Nice staffers you got, Robbo. Fake Twitter accounts. Really smart! (How much did you pay them?) Now, let's see them try to bully the new city council. Can't do that with your toy tweets, bullyboy.

2. Mike Fucking Harris. Ontario's Worst Premier Ever was at the afterparty for Toronto's Worst Mayor-Elect Ever. Grinning like the asshole he is, and just oozing smarm, as "Eye of the Tiger" played in the background. Can you say BAD OMEN, boys 'n' girls? Sure you can. But for those who missed it, Mikey set this one up a long LONG time ago.

3. Stephen Fucking Harper. Because I know, I just know, that he is behind #1 and #2. The MO all smells the same.

4. Vic Fucking Toews. Hey Adultery Man, nice of you to tell communities to report their potential terrorist kids. But you forgot the biggest one, and it happens to be your damn own voting base! PS: Also, nice touch. Asshole.

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5. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she's ba-ack. Still as stupid and lazy as ever. And she really shouldn't worry about Bristol's wayward genitals spoiling her chance for a run at the White House in two years' time, because she never stood one anyway.

6. Joe Fucking Arpaio. I always figured him for a skeezy-ass old pervert, and I'm right, as usual. This week, he finally proved it by giving the Paliness a gift of pink underpants. Touching, innit? That makes two sex-related wanks that #5 has racked up this week. And speaking of sex-related wanking, how about...

7. Christine O'Fucking Donnell. Her claims of chastity are, like everything else she says, absolute bullshit. She's a loud fucker. Literally. What do you bet she also masturbates when she's not busy getting laid by pudgy, chin-whiskered anti-choice dudes? Loudly? PS: And if you want to know what a totally unelectable candidate acts like, just clicky here.

8. Virginia Fucking Foxx. Yup, she's back again...and for the same reason. Rampant homophobic hatemongering, that is. And also for (twice) issuing a non-apology "apology" for her fucked-up remarks.

9. Richard Fucking Cohen. Sexual harassment, what's that? Clearly no problem of his, unless he has to defend someone else's privilege of doing it. What an onerous burden. A man's gotta do, eh?

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10. Tim Fucking Profitt. No sense apologizing or trying to "explain", we all saw what you did there. We couldn't NOT see. PS: Motherfucker. No apologies for YOU! PPS: Nice following you attract there, asshole. Like attracts like, stupid attracts stupid. Which leads me nicely to...

11. Rand Fucking Paul. Once again, it bears repeating: You can tell a LOT about someone by the kind of following he attracts. You can tell even more by the kind of followers the motherfucking bastard HIRES to curb-stomp nice young liberal ladies...and then make excuses for it all. And oh yeah, that reminds me of someone else...

12. Mike Fucking Pezzano. Another "supporter" of "don't tread on me" libertarianism proves to be one of those all too willing to let his pals tread...on somebody else. And he may be a groper, too. Niiiiiice. PS: Nice following YOU attract, too!

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13. Eric Fucking Schmidt. Yes, Google really IS, clearly and without the least doubt, evil. And the proof is in the words of its CEO, who clearly doesn't give a rat's ass for your privacy...or OUR Canadian privacy laws. His answer? "Just move". WHERE TO, IF YOU BASTARDS ARE DETERMINED TO PHOTOGRAPH IT ALL???

14. Ezra Fucking Levant. Will somebody please spank this obnoxious brat? He made poopy in his pants again. Oh, don't like it when I say that, Ezzy? Then don't say it about Omar Khadr. If he had WANTED to "confess", he could have done so eight years ago. YOU try being forcibly confined for that time and given no choice in the matter, no charges and no trial worthy of the name. Let's see how "innocent" you are then, little boy.

15. Clint Fucking McCance. Homophobes should all fucking kill themselves. Or keep that shit to themselves and not advertise it. That's disgusting!

16. Al Fucking Reynolds. Al, all my educated black male friends just invited you to kiss their educated black male asses. And also to quit smoking crack.

17. Judson Fucking Phillips. You "personally" have a problem with Islam? Yeah, you and all the rest of the fucking tea-tards. That's why the Koch brothers financed your "party". Hope you all have a helluva hangover by this time next week, because your party is gonna be OVER.

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18. Flip Fucking Benham. Oh, so abortion doctors are wanted dead "by Christ"? Yo. Jesus just called. Sez you shouldn't put words in his mouth, he can speak for himself. Also, he told me to tell you to fuck the hell off, and leave the women and doctors alone. There's a good reason he said nothing about abortion in the New Testament, remember?

19. and 20. Clarence and Ginni Thomas. Yep, they sure ARE a pair of boobs. A large, albeit not so firm, but well matched set. They deserve one another, and the hell that each is gonna put the other through before this little sham of a marriage finally ends. Whaddya bet the real impetus behind Ginni's little drunk-dialer the other week was actually that she caught Clarence out in something?

21. Abe Fucking Foxman. Whatever shit he was full of, he just lost it. All over the fucking place. Very satisfying to see, especially the part about the Soup Nazi.

22. Victor Fucking Phillips. Christ, what is it with right-wing nutjobs assaulting women this week? It's like all the sexist, racist and homophobic animus is just oozing out as my US friends prepare to go to the polls. And speaking of homophobic animus, get a load of...

23. Michael Fucking "Savage" Weiner. Bitch, please. The only reason you hate gay boys is because all the cute young ones ignore you. The only reason you blame throat cancer on oral sex between men is because no one's giving you head anymore. And it's pitiful, because the whole world knows what you and Allen Ginsberg got up to, back in the day. So just STFU, 'kay?

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24. Sharron Fucking Angle. How do you know she's insane? Hint: Watch the diarrhea trickling out of both sides of her mouth. And what kind of Christianity calls human welfare "wicked ways"? She is superstitious and incapable of rational thought. She is also utterly dishonest. She is NOT electable. Let's face it, this loony harpy is the spawn of Satan.

25. Arnie Fucking LeMaire. Guess who's gettin' sued for defamation? Aw, what a shame. Couldn't happen to a dicker dickweed than Mr. Five-Feet-o-Fugly, I mean Mr. Kathy Shit-All. Watch the not-so-professional hatemonger whine about how his free-speech rights are being trampled, now...Poor baby, wanna hankie?

26. Trevor Fucking Case. As human beings and boyfriends go, he's a piss-poor excuse for one. Too bad BushCo are out of power, he'd make an excellent interrogator. He has the waterboarding thing down pat.

27. David Fucking Bahati. Oh yeah, legislated homophobic murder--inspired and urged by those US fundie missionaries who are always putting their hands in where they're not wanted--is totally gonna save Uganda. And--hey wait!--no, sorry, false alarm. That was just a hallucination of a winged pig with lipstick sailing past my window. Too bad. Guess this means Uganda IS going to hell in a self-made handbasket after all.

28. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. Ramming through austerity measures is sure hard when you're tooling around the world with an ex-supermodel wife in a newly redecorated presidential jet that might well be described as a Flying Taj Mahal. While Angela Fucking Merkel is still a wanker, she's right about this one--it's worse than bad taste, it's a fuck-you to an already outraged French populace. But what do we expect of a con de merde like Sarko?

29. Dustin Fucking Dominiak. Congratulations, douchebag, you actually made me feel sorry for Christine O'Fucking Donnell. Which, I'm sure, was NOT the idea behind your anonymous hit-piece on her unwaxed nether regions. It's one thing to point out a right-wing candidate's hypocrisy and its bad implications for women, but this was not that. This was just sensationalism, and it wasn't sensational enough for Penthouse, obviously, since you wound up not getting laid (being ultimately more dud than stud, and a flower easily wilted). Was it necessary to hit her THAT far below the belt? Jeez, it's not as if we females don't have enough body issues on our plates already. I hope you enjoyed your squicky fun while it lasted, because I can't imagine you'll be terribly popular with any other ladies from now on. Especially not if there's a good chance that you'll write immature, disparaging shit about their pubic grooming habits. Or lack thereof.

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29 1/2. Fucking Gawker also deserves a round of boo, both for publishing that shit and for (lamely) justifying it.

30. Fucking McDonald's. Never again will a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder cross these lips. Or yours either, if you value democracy. Corporations have no business telling their employees how to vote. Or, for that matter, to instruct them to vote in such ways as will leave any poor schmuck who works at Mickey D's to be even more screwed by capitalism than s/he was before.

31. Jonah Fucking Goldberg. Well, at least, he admits that radioactive waste can kill people. The rest of those brain-dead neo-cons still want us to believe that Iraqis can eat it morning, noon and night and feel nothing but liberated. Still, Doughy Pantload deserves nothing less than a dose of his own KGB-esque medicine for what he wants done to Wikileaker Julian Assange. PS: What Jymn said!

32. Christian Fucking Whiton. Should be charged with crimes against humanity. Along with all his other cohorts from the Bush State Dept. But since all that happened before Obama, and apparently all those assholes STILL enjoy immunity from prosecution, a wank-listing here will have to do...for just opening his big fucking fascist yap and BREATHING.

33. Michael Fucking Welner. He can't read Danish, and he hasn't read the "evil" book, written by an incredibly oafish Danish "expert", on whom he bases his "expert" testimony in the Omar Khadr case. His entire argumentative thrust is that Omar is evil because he is a Muslim and the Qur'an is an evil book that made him so. It's the same bullshit you can hear from any jabbering idiot on talk radio. Yet we're supposed to take him seriously as an expert? FAIL. This isn't a trial, in case you've noticed, unless you refer to Stalinist kangaroo-court antics as "trials".

And that's it for this week. Here, have a cute video about trick-or-treating:

Now if you'll excuse me, my broom is running. Gotta fly.

Good night, and get fucked!

October 23, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Pumpkin puke edition

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'Twas the week before Hallows, and all 'round the Earth,
The wankers were wanking. 'Twas no cause for mirth.
They frightened the horses and sickened the kids
With the dumb things they said and the crap that they did.
I'd soap up their windows and TP their trees,
But to lie down with dogs is to get up with fleas.
Instead I'll just list them; I'm sure you'll agree
That the trick is on them and the treat is on me!

1. Jay Scott Fucking Newman. Remember that there's a separation of church and state? He doesn't. Basically, he's the Communion Nazi--if you voted for Obama and don't repent, no wafers for you! Since when is penance required for a "wrong" (i.e., for a pro-choice candidate) vote? Since NEVER. Father, if you don't want to pay taxes on your church's tithings, don't you dare tell your parishioners how to vote. (And hands off the altar boys, too.)

2. Ken Fucking Buck. Yeah, being gay is exactly like being an alcoholic. That's why there are so many chapters of Gay Anonymous, duh. And yeah, alcoholism is like totally a lifestyle choice, too! How in fucknation does one get stupid enough to think shit like this? Is one born that way, or does it come from the doctor dropping you on your head immediately after? No, of course not. It's a choice, and it comes as a result of homophobes recruiting you from an early age. If the voters of Colorado pick this assclown to represent them, they're gonna have buyer's remorse--and probably some nasty diseases--for damn sure.

3. Adam Fucking Josephs. If you thought Officer Bubbles was a wanker last week, read his Scribd legal claim this week and see just how much of one he is. Sheer (humorless) comedy gold. PS: LOLz. PPS: And oh, the irony.

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4. Bob Fucking McCarthy. Yep, McCarthyism is back...and this time, it's going after the peaceful Sufi Muslims of the US. Specifically, one small town in New York, whose reputation is now mud. At long last, sir--have you no shame???

5. William Fucking White. No, hate speech is not "free", and no, you're not anonymous on the Internet when you spew. There ARE laws in place to protect the people you only think you have the right to harass, and under them, you can get sent to the Big House, where you'll be incommunicado for an awfully long time. My trolls might want to clicky the linky, and soil their pants accordingly.

6. Angela Fucking Merkel. Multiculturalism "doesn't work"? Tell that to my parents, Angie. It worked fine for them...but then again, that's why they're Canadians now, and not still living in Germany. When my mom came into Germany as a refugee from Yugoslavia just before the end of the war, they treated her like a foreigner, and not another German, even though an ethnic German is what she was. If they treat their own like second-class citizens, imagine how they treat Turkish immigrants. This insulting, patronizing "learn German and abandon forced marriage" business helps no one and nothing, since most Turkish German citizens have already done so anyway, of their own free will. And more disturbingly, it sounds like not a damn thing has improved since the war ended, either.

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7. Joe Fucking Miller. You know you're in trouble when you have ethics complaints undisclosed. (It doesn't help if you shove 8-year-olds around.) And you know your campaign's in trouble when an unaccredited "security" firm (really, just mercenaries) first harasses and then handcuffs a reporter for nothing more than asking questions. And speaking of which, you know you're a wanker if you hire your "security" mercs from a highly questionable company run by...

8. William Fucking Fulton. Oh, where to start with this one? Blatant racism: Check. Unconvincing denial of same: Check. Trouble with business licence: Check. (And that's only as a "sporting goods" shop, NOT a security company.) And then there's the professionalism problem; check out how he (or some hired hand?) deals with customer dissatisfaction in his yellow-pages listing:

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Nice language, eh? Just what you'd say to drum up business, inspire confidence in your customers, etc. The world is just gonna beat a path to your door there, bucko!

Funny he should be so disparaging about female genitalia, too, since he's also been under restraining orders for stalking and, oh yeah, sexual assault. Terrific guy all around, this one!

9. Calvin Fucking Hill. Teaching students about sex is not the same as encouraging them to have it. I should know, because I learned about it early...and took my sweet time getting around to the "having" part. And yes, knowledge played a direct part in that. Ignorant kids are the ones most likely to hop in the sack, precisely because they don't know all the facts or take the time to protect themselves. Ignorance is bliss, at least until you get used, dumped, sick or knocked up. Sexual ignorance destroys lives. But you know what's really galling? Mr. Keep-'Em-Ignorant here is a big fat dildo-peddling hypocrite. He made a bloody fortune selling the same erotic tools he doesn't want college and university students to know about. I wonder if he also has a wide stance or requires rentboys to lift his luggage; wouldn't surprise me if he did.

10. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Yes, there was a bigot and a holocaust denier at the panel discussion he attended. And it was Alan Fucking Dershowitz.

11. Justin Fucking Rehberg. No, burning a cross (with a noose attached) and yelling racial slurs on an interracial couple's front lawn is not a bit racist. Especially when it inspires an anti-racism march in their support!

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12. and 13. Todd Fucking Seavey and Helen Fucking Rittelmeyer. For God's sake get a room, you two. Oh wait, on second thought, don't--just get out from in front of the camera if you're gonna have a spat.

14. Daniel Fucking Greenhalg. This one is a predator, and a skeevy one at that. What little authority he had, he abused atrociously. At least now, his uniform won't entitle him to any special privileges, other than having to watch out for where he drops the soap.

15. Ginny Fucking Thomas. Not only crazy enough to be a teabag, but to demand an apology from a woman who owes her NOTHING--and to whom she owes one, in fact. If I were Anita Hill, here's what I'd write to her:

Dear Mrs. Thomas:

I am very sorry that the truth offends you.

With all due respect (i.e. NONE)--GET STUFFED.

Sincerely,
Anita Hill

And speaking of apologies owed, I'd say Clarence Fucking Thomas is long, long overdue for several, himself.

16. Bill O'Fucking Reilly. Yes, Billo, the whole world is horrified. Horrified that you're not in jail yet. Horrified that you still have a show, horrified that you're still ghosting books, horrified at the mere existence of you.

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17. Toni Fucking Harris. Aside from the fact that it's just plain excessive to put prepubescent girls in as "junior" cheerleaders, who could possibly think it's a good idea to make them shake their butts at the crowd in order to "please" it? And what portion of the crowd do you think is the most "pleased" to see under-aged butts wiggling?

18. And that goes double for you, Lisa Fucking Ernest. Tight skirts and booty-shaking for SIX-YEAR-OLDS??? In what strange parallel universe is any of that a good idea?

19. David Fucking Stern. This one's something worse than a wanker, since he makes people homeless for a living. And speaking of living: How many fucking luxury cars can one man drive, anyway? A fitting karma would be for him to lose them all so he doesn't even have one to live out of when the Universe takes its revenge on him.

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20. Juan Fucking Williams. Well, it was about time NPR cut this islamophobic wanker loose. At least now it will appear to justify its "liberal media" BS tag again. Meaning, there is a chance now that it will appear to report more objectively and honestly...we hope. Meanwhile, guess who's gonna be stepping up his crapaganda level at FUX Snooze? (PS to NPR: Time to get rid of Mara Fucking Liasson, too. Anyone with connections to FUX must GO.)

Oh, and what is this Stokely Carmichael shiznit? Or this other shiznit? Gee, it's beginning to look like NPR finally made a really good business decision, for a change!

21. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Yes, you DO have the blood of gay suicide on your hands. But don't worry, you're not the only one. All those homophobic idiots who listen to or sympathize with you do, too. Plenty of guilt to go 'round, hon, so help yourself to a nice fat slice of the poo-poo pie! And for God's sake, stop the fucking whining. Jesus rolls his eyes every time you open your mouth, girl.

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22. Rich Fucking Iott. Last week he was listed for playing Nazi. This week, he's listed for playing soldier. Next week, he'll undoubtedly be listed again...for playing with himself.

23. and 24. Rush Fucking Limbaugh and Karl Fucking Rove. Oh, get a room, you two...no, wait, on second thought, don't. I love it when the Nazis start eating their own. It's so Night-of-the-Long-Knives-y. Please, carry on. And may the worst man burp!

25. Jodie Fucking Foster. Sorry, but anyone who defends Mel Fucking Gibson has just lost me. Feminist icons don't defend domestic abusers--it's as simple as that!

26. Joy Fucking Masoff. Historical revisionism, anyone? There is no way a slave can fight for anything willingly, being a slave. And much less for the "right" to keep slaves.

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27. Angelina Fucking Jolie. Yes, that's right, she's listed. Why? Because in the real world, women don't fall in love with their own rapists. And especially not in the ethnic-cleansing conflicts of the Balkans! In what strange parallel universe is it okay for a woman to direct a movie based on such a vile notion?

28. Vincent Fucking Johnson. Once again, trolls, take note. Death threats are illegal and authorities take them seriously. The Internet is not anonymous, and it is not going to shield you any longer.

29. The fucking bastard who drove a bulldozer over Rachel Corrie. I don't for an instant believe he didn't see her; she was wearing an orange vest and was unmissable. Surprise, he's lying! Why is he being granted anonymity? Because Israel's fucking government gave him the order. And it wants to make sure the world gets the message that Israeli soldiers have total impunity for any crime they do, anywhere, anytime.

30. Art Fucking Robinson. Surprise! Another teabag candidate is a racist. Who reads racist lit like it's some kind of classic (which it isn't; it is long out of fashion, and for a good reason). Let's hope Oregonians are smarter than to fall for this piece of trash.

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31. Sharon Fucking Meroni. Figures that someone co-ordinating Repugs to go "challenge" the voting rights of minority voters would be a racist Birther. And yes, she appeals to the unemployed--whites, no doubt--to help out in the Repugs' campaign of prejudice. It's time to make vote-"challenging" illegal, USA--it's just plain antidemocratic.

32. Kelly Fucking Khuri. Yes, the John Birch Society WAS extreme. FASCIST extreme. Just like the Teabaggers. Who are, of course, the descendants of Birchers. (And if you think that's not extreme, get thee to a gas chamber.)

33. Russ Fucking Murphy. And speaking of extremist tea-tards, get a load of who's backing Christine O'Fucking Donnell. Who is still doing her damnedest to out-stoopid Sarah Fucking Palin, BTW.

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34. Jennifer Fucking Petkov. If anyone ever deserved to be called an unfit mother and to lose her kids, this woman is IT. Making fun of a 7-year-old dying of Huntington's is just about as low as one can sink, short of killing her oneself.

35. Stephen Fucking Harper. Who will henceforth be known as Taliban Stevie Peevie, for reasons too clear to deny. And who sucks up to the military while throwing women under the bus. Somehow, those two seemingly unrelated items tie together, don't they?

36. Stephen Fucking Broden. Whenever you get sick of democracy, that's cool--there's always violence. Annie, get your fucking gun.

37. Mark Fucking Steyn. The only place HE should be booked to speak is a max-security psych ward for the criminally insane. Hey, he'd have a capacity audience for the first time in his miserable life!

38. Fucking Dubya. Yes, he's still around. Hasn't drunk himself to death yet, but it sounds like he's workin' on it. Says his biggest failure was not privatizing Social Security. Oh, you mean like that roaring success of Pinochet's that ruined Chile? I (still) say the US's biggest failure was not impeaching that greedy good-for-nothing motherfucking bastard.

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39. Ethan Fucking Ogden. Like Wanker #34, an utterly unfit parent. There is NO excuse for what he did. NONE.

40. Pierre Karl Fucking Peladeau. Because it's not a subsidy when TORIES do it!

41. Orrin Fucking Hatch. Wasn't he among those who persecuted Anita Hill in a flagrantly sexist manner for telling the truth the first time around? (So much so that the women of the US cleaned House and Senate, and voted for Bill Clinton to boot?) I seem to recall that he was. Nice to see that he's still at it, so touchingly defending his pervy Uncle Clarence and dear, deluded Aunt Ginni. At least the man is consistent, albeit consistently a WANKER.

42. Karl Fucking Denninger. Yes, the Father of the Teabags has finally weighed in on the monster he helped to make. If you don't want to attract douches, Karl, how about not being such an idiot yourself? The US constitution has not one clause in it enshrining capitalism as the law of the land. It does, however, say an awful lot about paying your taxes to support the common good. Something, I'm sure, that you don't give a rat's ass about.

And finally, to this week's highly up-close-and-personal wanker, a cracked bell:

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You list me, I list you. And block you and report you for spam, since you seem to be in the habit of making hate-mongering lists targeting those who make you look like an idiot (not that you need any help there). Also like you had a hard time graduating kindergarten: I'm "ugly"? "Inside and out"? Um, no. Actually quite the contrary, as I'm repeatedly told by those who actually KNOW me. You do not.

I don't know who you are either, Cracked Bell, but I can see you need help, and lots of it. I suggest a good foundry, one specializing in repairs to defective metals. You need to stop listening to Glenn Beck, as I'm sure that's what left you so damaged in the first place. And get a life. (But I repeat myself...)

Good night, and get fucked!

October 16, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Wanktoberfest

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Yes, there really is such a thing in Germany...yes, I've been on it myself and can recommend it, the view is fantastic, about 400 peaks on a clear day...and no, you can't play with yourself while riding it, unless you want to be arrested by some truly humorless cops. Or whacked over the head by the loaded purse of a big, bad-tempered Helga.

Happy Oktoberfest, everyone! Pull up a big Steinkrug of something frothy and full of hops, you're gonna need it. This sour Kraut is gonna serve you up the Wurst* of the Week. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Carl Fucking Paladino. This is why there's a legal separation of church and state, kiddies. Kids shouldn't be brainwashed into thinking that a sexist, racist, bestiality-loving homophobe is an equally valid and successful option. At best, this jackass is a dysfunctional heterosexual. That's not only nothing to be proud of, that's not normal. But being gay is, and what's more, there's nothing optional about it--unless you think you also get to pick and choose your hair and eye color at conception. PS: Care to explain THIS, Carl? Or this? Oh, and how could we forget this?

1 1/2. Yehuda Fucking Levin wrote that homophobic drivel? Well, there goes the church/state separation.

2. Byron Fucking Williams. Surprise! He was brainwashed into a violent, armed terror plot by Glenn Fucking Beck. Which reminds me...

3. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yeah, sure, your health problems are caused by "spiritual wounds", Biff. Totally self-inflicted, since you chose to be a Mormon so you could schtup your wife--who, mirabile dictu, STILL puts up with your shit. Sky pixies work in mysterious ways! Now get the fuck down off that cross, you're nobody's fucking messiah. PS: You're nobody's fucking Anaïs Nin, either. PPS: And stop telling people to give money to Big Fucking Bidness. It already has more of their cash than it knows what the hell to do with. The last thing it needs is one more fucking carte blanche to screw the people.

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4. Malcolm Fucking Gladwell. I always did find his reductionist approach irksome, and now I know why. He's too glib, and way too shallow. He's also detached from reality! People who don't use social media are ill-positioned to pontificate on why these sites don't work as activist tools. Speaking as one who's used them for such myself, I know he's dead wrong. And I also know in what ways he's dead wrong. Facebook and Twitter are great tools for getting necessary news and campaign links out to activists, and are quicker and easier ways of reaching mass audiences than door-knocking and phone-calling. Cheaper than placing ads, too. PS: Did I mention that he's full of shit?

5. Mark Fucking Kruger. Surprise! That hard-ass right-wing cop who brooks no leftist dissent, in a city (Portland, Oregon) famous for just that? Nazi symp all the way. LITERALLY. So much so that he's even used public spaces for his fascist activities. Isn't that illegal? Ja, verdammt noch mal, es ist!

6. Karl Fucking Rove. Yes, how DARE Obama tell the truth about you? The worst possible thing for a Democrat to have is a spine. And the second worst a mouth not full of marbles where Repugs are concerned.

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. Just how many times is she gonna change the story of Trig's birth before finally admitting that he wasn't really her baby after all? I've lost track of all the revisions on this one, but it just keeps getting hinkier. And harder to believe.

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8. Alan Fucking García. Not content to be the president of Peru (and yes, a big fat corrupto), he's a bully, too. Pick on someone your own size, you gigantic sack of shit!

9. Charles Fucking Leaf. FUX Snooze "reporter" (note the quotes) sexually assaults 4-year-old girl. Republican family values in action, yet again. Film at 11.

10. Pamela Fucking Geller. One of American Fascistan's dumbest blogtards might also be a scamstress with ties to organized crime. Might be, you say, sneering? Well, we knew she was criminally stupid and a grifter from the content of her blog alone, but we just didn't know that car money played into it. Also, Sopranos-style hit jobs. (No, I'm not kidding. Go to the link and see for yourself. I command you.)

11. Lynn Fucking Crosbie. So, it's okay to use gay as a derogatory adjective, then? Cool. Your pissy little screed is so gay. And black. And Jewish. And...got the idea yet? Oh, and PS: Lines like this...

The media are not raising your bully. Smack some sense into that kid.

...are not terribly bright of you, either. Parents who smack their kids around are the ones who raise bullies. Did you sleep through that lesson, Lynn? And the media ARE influential, with or without the collusion of parents, like it or not. You call yourself a journalist, Lynn? Then learn to use language responsibly, and don't give me any "free speech is sacred" excuses. Homophobic "free speech" is getting kids beaten up and killed lately, in case you haven't noticed.

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12. Trent Fucking Franks. Abortion is WHAT? Um, no, it isn't. But you know what IS worse for blacks than slavery? That this long after the Emancipation Proclamation, black women in the US are still not the mistresses of their own wombs. And men of all colors still have more power over that organ than THEY do.

13. Ken Fucking Buck. Like I was saying for Wanker #12. Men of all colors. And etcetera.

14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Mammograms are WHAT? Um, no, they're not. Men get them too. And men with moobs like the Pigman's are more likely to need them. Just something to consider the next time you go off on one of your "Feminazi" rants, Rusty. And you better pray that pretty new beard missus of yours doesn't end up dying of cancer because of the stupid shit you said, either.

15. Lee Fucking Abrams. Roger Ebert, of the competing Chicago Sun-Times, asks if there's "an adult in the house". Well might he wonder.

16. Marshall Fucking Mathers. Yes, that's right, Eminem made the wank-list this week. (Last week it was Fifty Fucking Cent, for the same basic reasons.) And no, he's not being charged with sexism and homophobia because he's white (as he claims), he's being charged as such because he is sexist and homophobic. Also a self-important fucking putz who's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. That shit is intolerable, whether the shitter is black OR white. Any questions?

17. Ilario Fucking Pantano. Did no one give this assclown the memo that the Cold War is over? Get off the fucking panic button, you're wearing a hole in it.

18. Michelle Fucking Malkin. If arrogance bothers her so much, why didn't she say boo about Dubya's immense arrogance over the course of eight fucking years? And speaking of bitter, Ms. Maglalang, you're IT. Shut the fuck up and fuck the hell off, you unhinged little racist troll.

19. Mark Fucking Kirk. And while we're on the subject of racists, how about this screaming closet case? Caging black folks' (usually Democratic) votes in Chicago is one good way to get your ass in deep shit. And deservedly so.

20. Rand Fucking Paul. If you're hostile towards government, DON'T RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE. How hard is THAT to process? And if you think the problem of discrimination should be left to the individual, well...I'm sure the slave owners of the 1850s south thought much the same way. And we all know from just a cursory glance at history how amenable to voluntary change they were! (Come to think of it, simple-minded flibbers shouldn't run for public office, ever, period. All they'd ever do is vote to entrench the problem, never solve it. Anyone who thinks Howard Roark was real should also be automatically disquaified.)

21. Pat Fucking Sajak. Say what? Public sector workers should not be allowed to vote on issues that concern them directly? Oh great. They should not get a say. That's what Sajak is saying! Now hear this: Disenfranchisement is antidemocratic, and so is capitalism--and so are its out-of-touch adherents.

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22. Stephen Fucking Harper. How not-a-leader is he? So much so that Canada's gonna have to wait another 10 years before vying for a UN Security Council seat. Oh, and get this: He and his band of buffoons blame Iggy for their own fumble--when they're not busy blaming a nefarious "secret" popularity contest at the UN. Thanks, Harpo--for pissing all over "the principles that this country holds dear", as you so quaintly call them! The UN is one of those, but your right-wing remake plans for it certainly are not.

23. Fucking "Marlene" (no last name given). Assaulting a woman for wearing a niqab does NOT make you a victim. Nor is her wearing one an offence. Comprenez-vous?

24. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Still not dead yet. And still not distinguishable from a crackbrained fundie-Muslim cleric, either. People who think like that have no one but themselves to blame when women don't want to marry anymore.

25. Bill O'Fucking Reilly. Why?

That's why.

And remember Jeremy Glick when you hear Billo talking sanctimoniously about those 9-11 families he patronizes. That's how he REALLY feels about them--he doesn't give a damn for any of them, unless they serve HIS purposes. And even then...he really doesn't give a damn for anyone but Bill O'Fucking Reilly.

26. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Would somebody please put a sock in him? Everytime he opens his homophobic piehole, a kid gets bullied to death. And victim-blaming ("If we want to see fewer students commit suicide, we want fewer homosexual students") isn't going to help. Next thing you know, this asshole is going to be calling homophobes the victims--of some kind of nefarious gay agenda plot to squick them fatally out, I bet.

27. Ann Fucking Coulter. Seriously, Connecticut? You couldn't find evidence of the Coultergeist's voter fraud, even when it's as obvious as the boniness of her kneecaps (which could put your eye out, BTW)? Or is it somehow not voter fraud when well-connected white Repugnican blowhards do it? In any case, FAIL.

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28. Brendan O'Fucking Rourke. The only reason I have this racist school shooter listed as a mere wanker, and not something much worse, is that he didn't manage to kill the kids he fired upon. But how could anyone miss his flamboyant derangement when he was known for shouting "Death to Obama", too? Maybe because the media is still bending over backwards to kiss the tea-turds' collective ass? Oh, just maybe.

29. Craig Fucking Chandler. Some friends of mine know this one only too well, having tussled frequently with his far-right homophobia during their days at McMaster University, where he led the campus chapter of the then Reform Party (which has since been merged back into the Tories from whence it came). So we know he's a sleazy little fascist who's never done an honest day's work in his life. And now we know he's also a shyster getting rich off other people's misery. In other words, not much about this one has changed between then and now, except to grow even more so.

30. Julian Fucking Fantino. Another homophobe currently trying to make it as a SupposiTory by-election candidate. This one was an absolute disaster as chief of the OPP. His specialties? Going after gays on the pretext of looking for kiddie porn, opposition to the long gun registry (which puts him at odds with other police chiefs, who like it) and oh yeah, RAMPANT RACISM. He was an epic fail as a provincial police commissioner, in other words. But a perfect fit for the Tories, who think gravity should be made to work in reverse.

31. Pedro Fucking Bordaberry. Yes, that's right, the son of the former Uruguayan dictator is on the tweeter. And accusing the democratically elected ex-Tupamaro president of Uruguay, Pepe Mujica, of "authoritarian temptation". As opposed to his own old man, who gave in to that succubus without so much as a blush. Don't you just love it when oligarchs are so consistent?

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"Pedro, they sentenced me to 30 years in jail...they say I shat on the constitution!"

"Dad, tell them the truth--there was no more toilet paper!"

32. Matthew Fucking Continetti. Who? Oh, just another of Sarah Fucking Palin's little sycophants. Still pathetically trying to defend her with complete illogic, which is all they have left. Stick a fork in her, and don't forget to skewer them--which shouldn't be hard to do, as they're conveniently attached, remora-like, to her ass. They're all done.

33. Tony Fucking Blair. Yes, the Poodle is back on the wank-list, and so's his book. Not because it's anything great to wank to, but quite the opposite; reading that limp sample passage about what he did with Cherie when he needed a power boost just about wilted my nipples. I think that at this rate, he should be a shoo-in for the Bad Sex Award. The fact that Martin Fucking Amis is already shortlisted means he'll be in, er, illustrious company.

34. Adam Fucking Josephs. Yes, Officer Bubbles is back on the wank-list. This time, for wanting to sue a creative YouTuber who used his perfectly legal freedom of speech to make some much needed fun of a hard-ass who was stupid enough to get caught on camera abusing his powers. Apparently, this still ain't Canada. PS: What Dawg said.

35. Jordan Fucking Forney. Funny how everytime a bunch of fratboys get caught with their pants metaphorically down, reinforcing sexism and rape culture, it's an "isolated incident" where "things just got out of hand" due to a "lapse in judgment". When is anyone going to admit that the problem is systemic, and that it happens everytime a bunch of guys get together and use aggression as a pretext for bonding? When will anyone admit that fraternities are what Vonnegut's Bokonon would have called a granfalloon? And who will be the admitter? Jordan?

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36. Condoleezza Fucking Rice. Yes, Dubya's dear Auntie Condi decided to rear her conked head this week and admit that "mistakes were made" in Iraq. Unfortunately, she made a blunder of her own. See if you can spot it here:

"I do believe I would take Saddam Hussein out of power again, but of course in the rebuilding of Iraq ... I would do things differently," Rice said. "I think we put too much emphasis on Baghdad and not enough emphasis on the provinces. Perhaps we didn't fully understand the degree to which the society would start to come apart as a result of being held in tyranny for all those years."

At the same time, Rice said it is still too early to fully judge the success or failure of that war or other foreign policy issues in the administration of George W. Bush.

Still too early? It's been two years since Dubya's been done robbin', rapin' and killin'. And as I've been saying all along, Saddam's "tyranny" is not the reason Iraq fell apart; the same BushCo that took him down built him up back in the 1980s, when the enemy was neighboring Iran. The reason, the ONLY reason, is that Iraq got bombed, blasted and plundered by BushCo. And of course, Condi would never acknowledge that, because that would be self-incrimination. She was, after all, in charge of the foreign policy mess that she's now trying to spin, yet again.

37. Sharron Fucking Angle. There is literally no lunacy that's too loony for her. But when Crazybitch starts slamming my home and native land, it's personal. FYI, Sharron, you fucking idiotess, precisely NONE of the 9-11 terrorists got in through Canada, much less Mexico, or illegally. They all came perfectly legally through US international airports. If anyone's gonna have his immigration puppy-papers in order, it's a member of al-CIAda. Got that? Good. Now fuck off.

38. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Uh oh, did somebody forget that the Nazis were on the right, not the left? Looks like he did. And looks like the ADfuckingL forgot, too. The fact that Rupee donates money and airtime to the most overtly fascist party in the US slides right by those dumbfucks. As does the fact that most US Jews are, and have long been, Democrats, if not REAL leftists! Oh yeah, and guess what...those who criticize Israel the most, and most cogently, in the US...are JEWISH. Who's the Nazi again?

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And finally, to all the fucking teabaggers out there who are brainwashing indoctrinating homeskooling their kids with that shit. I can't really put it any better than The Rude Pundit can, so I'll leave you with his words on the matter and sign off as is my custom:

Good night, and get fucked!

*And yes, Wurst can also be German slang for shit. Stands to reason, nicht wahr?

October 9, 2010

Wankers of the Week: A truckload of turkeys

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Yes, this is real. Figures it's from Aryan-fucking-zona.

Crappy Thanksgiving, Canada--and crappy weekend, world! Because Teh Stoopid never takes a holiday, I've decided to load up the pickup and deliver you a load of bad cranberries...to go with these fucking turkeys:

1. Jim Fucking DeMint. So, DeMented's latest bon mot is that sexy singles and gays shouldn't teach? Well, I think right-wing wackos should be debarred from practicing medicine, religion, law or politics. Or anything else that puts them in a position of power, because there is ample proof out there that all they ever do with it is fuck up. Hey, fair's fair.

2. Boyd Fucking Packer. Another fucking homophobe in a position of power, this one Mormon. Send him packing--click the link and sign the petition, folks.

3. Christine O'Fucking Donnell. The "classified" information she claims to have on China isn't classified; it isn't even new. So how seriously should we take her when she claims China has a secret, fiendish plan to take over the US? Oh, about as seriously as we have to take her dad when he puts on his fright wig, red nose, greasepaint and oversized shoes. PS: No, girlfriend, you are so NOT me!

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4. Jason Fucking Kenney. Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the shit of a lying scum. And he laid it in more places than one.

5. James O'Fucking Keefe. Last week I called him a sleazy little shit-weasel. I was entirely too kind. The boy-man makes a travesty of the whole notion of sexual consent. And an icky travesty, at that. One gets the distinct feeling that he doesn't like women. At the rate he's going, the feeling will soon be more than mutual.

6. Glenn Fucking Beck. What will it be this week? The Chavecito wank? Um, Chavecito's citizen militias, unlike the dumb redneck toy armies galumphing all over the backwoods of the US, are at least well-regulated, by government, with training by real military officers (who, after all, worked with the same FAL rifles that the militias are now using). Then how about the burning-down-the-house wank? Problem there is, to have the government pay for it from taxes would have cost the citizens less. Oh! Oh! I know! The kooky-conspiracies-stolen-from-Alex-Jones wank! That one's a real wiener, er, winner!

7. The Fucking South Fulton (Tennessee) Fire Department. In light of the past week's events, you may want to amend that mission statement there, fellas.

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. Remember how she gushed about wanting to meet Maggie Thatcher? Well, Maggie's biographer thinks she's a waste of protoplasm. And Maggie, you'll recall, is housebound with senile dementia. D'oh!

9. Stephen Fucking Harper. No, he's NOT fucking human. Any fucking questions?

10. Rand Fucking Paul. Not fucking human, either. REALLY not fucking human. Who needs death panels when you've got him?

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11. Jordan Fucking Gehrke. Where the racist fuckin' retards at? Sharron Fucking Angle's campaign office, that's where. But of course, to point out that he IS one is "shrill and overly earnest".

12. Jennifer Fucking Keeton. As noted here recently, you can tell a lot about someone by the following s/he attracts. In her case, it's the fucking KKK; they like her "Christian" homophobia almost as much as they like their "Christian" cross-burnings. You have NO idea how tempted I was to spell her surname with a kkkouple of extra kkkapitals.

13. And from the same item, David Fucking French of the ADL. This makes HOW many times that organization has leapt into the same bed as the KKK, now? No one is demanding that Keeton "renounce her faith", only her idiotic and misguided anti-gay prejudice, which views homosexuality as a "lifestyle" and a "sin", rather than the inherent orientation that science has determined it to be. Duh.

14. And again, from that same article, for kkkomic relief, how about that Bobby Fucking Spurlock? "We're trying to protest the constitutional rights that they are trying to take away from her," sez the grand pooh-bah. Um, yeah, that's about right. The KKK has been "protesting" against the constitutional rights of citizens ever since its inception as a lynch mob of frighteners and hatemongers just after the Civil War. Their mission is not to uphold rights, but to suppress them. Blacks and gays are not "real" human beings to them. So of course, it's only natural that they would do this, right?

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15. David Fucking Barton. Funny how all those "small government" religious rightards are fully in favor of government interfering in people's sex lives. This asshole wants the govenrnment to "regulate" (read: SUPPRESS) homosexuality. Hey, I have a bonzer idea: How about governments everywhere start taxing right-wing churches? Especially those with preachers who wear shit-ugly shirts?

16. Andrew Fucking Miller. You don't have to be a literal wanker to work in the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles, but it's a definite asset. As is a wide stance.

17. Aaron Fucking Riley. 7.5 terabytes of kiddie porn is one helluva lot of wank. Does this crazy fucker even have a life away from his computer?

18. Ron Fucking Johnson. If flibbertigibbertarians are so smart, why can't they make themselves available to the media and answer some goddamned questions? Oh, I get it: If they can't control what questions get asked, they won't answer. How pro-freedom is THAT? These fucking crypto-fascists are the first ones, always and inevitably, to try to muzzle the media. Just as they're always the ones trying hardest to silence li'l ol' ME.

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19. Kathleen Fucking Folden. What do you bet this self-appointed Carrie Nation of public "decency" is one of those religious-right types who talk big about small government, too? Srsly, lady, if you don't like to see Jesus getting a BJ, DON'T FUCKING LOOK!

20. William Fucking Mattison. Jesus H. Christ, how many damn birth certificates does the state of Hawaii have to release before all these crazy fucking idiots stop threatening to kill His Barackness over it?

21. Lou Fucking Dobbs. Now we know why he offgassed so much about undocumented immigrants, calling them "illegals" and slamming them for stealing jobs from "hard-working Americans". IT WAS TO KEEP THE WAGES OF HIS PEONS DOWN, STUPID! And for the love of Dios...how many fucking houses and horses does a babbling idiot on the nightly news need to own, anyway? No wonder he was so goddamn cheap with the help. News anchors may make more than your typical ink-stained wretches, but the economics of that one still don't add up. Unless...

22. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Useless eater is in favor of burning houses down if their occupants don't pay a "libertarian" tax increase. Like I said earlier, may I not give a piss if the same one day happens to him.

23. Avi Yaakobov. You may want to save your belly-dancing skills for women who aren't terrified and blindfolded, and who actually WANT to watch you wiggle your pelvis, dickweed. PS: Oh, FUCK.

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24. The Fucking Phelps KKKlan. If you're gonna quote Ozzy Osbourne, you might want to remember what the real lyrics to "Crazy Train" were. Among them: "Maybe/it's not too late/to learn how to love/and forget how to hate". Also, the chorus goes "I'm going off the rails on a crazy train." Which is, ironically, appropriate; the Phelpses have been off the rails for decades now. It's time this crazy train rolled into the ditch. I hope Ozzy sues!

25. David Bruce Fucking McMahan. Some men aren't fit to be fathers. This incestuous slimeball is one of those. And worse.

26. Mike Fucking Rosen. Yes, the right-wing LOVES terrorism. They even call for it, openly, on the public airwaves. But somehow, calls for anti-Muslim terrorism are perfectly kosher--at least in the state of Colorado.

27. Pierre Fucking Poilievre. Why?

That's why. Shouldn't he have waited until AFTER he was all growed up before he went to work on the Hill?

28. Rich Fucking Iott. He's a "purely historical" wanker. Of course. What else could he be? Only there's one problem with that excuse: The real Nazis did NOT wear camouflage fatigue pants with their tunics. In fact, they never wore camo anything, anywhere.

29. Lucio Fucking Sucio Gutiérrez. The blood of last week's attempted coup (now confirmed even by the normally servile Chicken Noodle Network!) in Ecuador is on his hands. So far, eight dead and more than 200 injured. And to add insult to injury, the asshole blames President Correa--and claims HE was taking orders from Chavecito? There aren't enough cusswords in the dictionary for this one.

30. Sharron Fucking Angle. Who knew that Dearborn, Michigan--home of the Ford Motor Co.--was now under Sharia law? Nobody, actually...Crazybitch just made that shit up. The laffs just keep on coming.

31. David Fucking Vitter. Diaperdude joins Crazybitch #30 in using racist videos to illustrate the concept of "illegal" people. Funny how they never use white Russian mafiosi. Are aliens only "illegal" when brown and Spanish-speaking? Sure smells that way.

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32. The Fucking Insane Clown Posse. As I've said before, you can tell a lot about someone from the kind of followers they attract. In the case of this truly atrocious group, it's largely violent idiots with right-wing sympathies and vague, nihilistic notions. So it should come as no surprise that they are actually fundies in greasepaint. And their shitty lyrics reflect a certain...oh, shall we say...utter contempt for the humanity that was supposedly created in God's image, especially the female half. Not to mention a real stupidity when it comes to science. Just because THEY don't understand how magnets and evolution work, doesn't mean there's really an invisible hand at work making miracles. It means they don't understand how magnets and evolution work--period. (I'm gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that they were all very poor students.) Is anyone buying their "we're just trying to reach (and preach to) the kids" shit? I'm not.

33. Virginia Fucking Thomas. I hope the wife of Judge Pubic-Hair-in-my-Coke realizes that a return to the "conservative constitutional values" of the past means that she and he will have to divorce. Interracial marriage was illegal then, you know.

34. Ron Fucking Paul. If you thought his son was crazy as a coot, wait'll you see who he got it from. Nobody in his right mind could think a "Soviet-style collapse" was a good thing, let alone a necessary precondition for the removal of all US bases from foreign soil! Please, can we just have the both of them committed?

35. All those crazy fucking racists who call in to C-SPAN. Especially when there's a "colored" man sitting in the host's chair. At best, they are comical. At worst...well, let's just say that THEY are what is wrong with the US, and what always has been.

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And finally, to the retarded fucking gun nut (from Poland??? I smell a rat!) who pooped here. Reading comprehension: Acquire some, dude. I don't like guns in the hands of power-mad thugs, no matter who they are. I am for accountability, and neither for nor against gun ownership (although much less of the latter and much more of the former would unquestionably make the world a much better place).

And no, that stance did not change during the rescue of Rafael Correa. Nor will it ever. The Ecuadorian military acted responsibly; the putschist federal police did not. If your simple mind doesn't process that not-terribly-complicated fact, it ain't my fault.

Good night, and get fucked!

October 2, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Bumping uglies

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Yes, this is a real, and inadvertently hilarious, church sign. I saw it first at Nerve.com.

Wouldn't you give your hand to a friend? Certainly. But other body parts are still off limits. And to these ugly, ugly people, who are nobody's friends, even the time of day is too much to give. Which is why I recommend nothing but the ol' heave-ho for...

1. Ann Fucking Coulter. So, the self-loathing gays of the Repugnican party thought it would be fun to have her "entertain" at their little HomoConned shindig? Well, now they know. She really DOES hate them. She really DOESN'T believe in civil rights or liberties. She really IS an unregenerate racist. And she really IS a waste of skin. Wasn't that fun, fellas? Now we all know why you don't want to come out as Repugs--it's the company you keep! (And as a side note, isn't it hilarious to be told in all seriousness that marriage is "for procreation"--by someone who isn't married, and who probably hasn't menstruated in decades, who repulses every decent man who comes near her, and therefore is highly unlikely to procreate?)

2. Markham Fucking Hislop. Yeah, we "modern women" get it, all right. We get that you're a long-winded sexist porker with a foot fetish. Also that you like boobies and are "tired of apologizing for it". Now we also get why strip joints exist--it's so that ugly sexist knuckle-draggers from the Pleistocene can buy the illusion that they are attractive to somebody. Thanks so much for sharing all those insights! Just reading them made me want to put on a burqa, crawl into a cave, and wait for the apocalypse. Now, where is my eye bleach?

3. Troy Fucking Newman. One day, God will "get the last word" on him, too; he and every other anti-choicer will die...and women everywhere will sing sweet Hallelujah for it.

4. John Fucking Raese. If you want a return to crapitalism before child labor laws, dude, you're gonna have to swallow the fact that there were neither automobiles nor air travel in those "golden" days. Which were, incidentally, the last time that volcanoes might have accounted for more air pollution and global warming than man-made sources.

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5. Sharron Fucking Angle. Every time I think she's hit the Great Wall of Woo and couldn't possibly go further, she finds yet another one to smack headlong into. Most of us know better than to claim that autism is some kind of conspiracy, but not she...she thinks it's SOCIALIST, of course! Why does this woman hate children? I don't have or want any, but I like them just fine, and if they need government-funded healthcare, that's all right with me. But then again, I also know that autism is genetic and that the only conspiracy connected to it is this insane far-right effort to keep kids who have it from getting the care they need. (They'd rather see all that money going to corporate honchos who already have more than they'll ever know what to do with.)

6. Rand Fucking Paul. Craziest man alive? I can get behind that; he's a selfish moron who wants the system to go on churning out more selfish morons. I just don't wanna get in front of him when he goes back to practicing ophthalmology.

7. Ken Fucking Kratz. A prosecutor's job is to HELP victims of crime get justice, not take advantage of their vulnerability. Hitting on domestic-abuse survivors through text messaging is about as slimy as it gets. (I hope his wife divorces him, too.)

8. Joe Fucking Biden. Ass Sphincter says WHAT? "Stop whining"? WTF? Is that any way to talk to the people who busted their humps to get you elected, Joe? The least you could do is what they elected you to do. And that is NOT lecturing them. You are the public's servant, not their master, capisce?

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9. Conrad Fucking Black. Figures that one whore-media oligarch supports another in the Toronto mayoral race. Question is, why would a man with such deep contempt for Canadian values even bother, especially since "his" candidate is so far behind Rob Fucking Ford (EDIT: And has since dropped out of the race)? (And that's about the only good thing that can be said for the boorish Ford's front-runner status, believe you me.)

10. Tom Fucking Ridge. There was no "pressured" about it; Rainbow Ridge was ordered to issue those bogus terror alerts, and as a Repug operative, he was happy to comply. Any questions?

11. Sarah Fucking Palin. If there's booing in the ballroom and you don't know why, look in the audience. Or listen for a hickish voice with an annoying rasp to it. Then you'll know. Bristol Palin is not a "star", and neither is her mom. The entire wanking Palin clan has worn out its welcome even on the glorified game show circuit.

12. Stuart Fucking Varney. He lost his shit, and a debate, in true Epic Fail fashion, but since it was on FUX Snooze, he'll probably only fall up. Sad to say.

13. Glenn Fucking Beck. So racist and repugnant, he's now down to rejecting himself. Well, it's a start!

14. Eddie Fucking Long. The molestation-by-homophobe tally is now 30 and still climbing, for those keeping track.

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15. Christine O'Fucking Donnell. Surprise! She lied about everything, including her own education (or more likely, lack thereof.) And yet the Repugs of Delaware saw fit to pick her over a known quantity like their current senator? Oh, this is SO headed for Failsville. PS: Did you know her dad was Bozo the Clown? No? Well, now you do...and now you know it's hereditary.

16. Cindy Fucking Jacobs. It's people like her that make atheists wherever they shit. May their prayers fall on deaf ears--or be met with resounding laughter from the sky. I really don't care which, as long as they don't come true.

17. Dana Fucking Loesch. There is no such thing as a conservative feminist; you are either a conservative OR a feminist. Conservatives believe in male domination; feminists don't. And thanks to her disparaging, lookist remarks--the hallmark of male-dominant conservatism--we all know what side this one falls on. So save your respect for someone worthy of the name.

18. Barbara Fucking Kay. She starts out reasonable enough (oh, don't they always?), but then her rant on this week's prostitution ruling veers off into pearl-clutching territory near the end:

Being a prostitute is a shameful, indecent activity, and any sex worker who demands respect as a matter of course is fooling herself. She is not respectable. Politically correct people will say she is, but she isn't.

Typically conservative, Babs comes down against the women. She never says anything to the effect that pimps and johns are not respectable. Why do you suppose THAT is? Nothing to do with that old conservative tenet that you are a conservative first and foremost, and anything else you are, if it is not white, male and Christian, gets thrown under the bus, surely!

19. Andrew Fucking Shirvell. Probably got his lawyering start in the schoolyard, pushing smaller kids around. And I bet it was mainly boys. Hmmm, I wonder why...

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20. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Looks like their well-paid astroturfers, calling themselves "Americans for Prosperity", have very touchingly taken up the cudgels on their behalf. Everybody, all together: AAWWWWWWWWWW!!!

21. Michaëlle Fucking Jean. Much as it pains me to include her, I just gotta. Because we all loved her, going in...and then were shocked and disappointed when she ignored both history and parliamentary law to grant Harpo those two fucking proroguements. And now she wants to "explain" her betrayals to us, now that she's stepping down? Too little, too late, and wrong answer, Michaëlle. A majority did not elect that nasty little man, and you, acting on all our behalf, should not have caved in to him. But you did--twice. And now you're third time unlucky. Three strikes, yer out.

22. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Racism is getting to be something of a habit with him, isn't it? Only this time, he uses a black guy to be his mouthpiece. Oh, and not a word on the busted sexual shenanigans of his felonious protégé, James O'Fucking Keefe? Finally, three days later, we get this. Cowardly, cowardly custard.

23. Meg Fucking Whitman. Is it terribly surprising that someone who has it in for undocumented immigrants should be caught red-handed exploiting them? The obscene thing is, this harridan has spent over $100 million US on her campaign so far.

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24. Daniel Fucking Webster. Isn't it nice to know the right-wing in the US is so indistinguishable from the Taliban--or the hard-line mullahs from Iran? At this rate, Alan Grayson will be a shoo-in, and I for one will not be happier to watch the shooing-in ceremony...

25. Glenn Fucking Beck. There are no words to express the profundity of his stupidity. Or his lunacy.

26. Fifty Fucking Cent. His manhood's not worth two shits. 'nuff said.

27. Rick Fucking Sanchez. I think someone's just jealous because Jon Stewart, a comedian, is a better newsman than he. PS: Antisemitic much?

28. Bill Fucking Donohue. Victim-blaming is an old, slimy defence attorney trick, and never more offensive than when applied to victims of sexual abuse. One wonders why he employs it so much. But then again, one doesn't need to flip heavy rocks over to know what creepy crawlies lie underneath.

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29. Joe Fucking Warmington. Apparently it costs a lot to be utterly uncultured. Which is why Joe Blowhard wants all arts funding in Toronto--a city that makes a very good living from the arts--cut, cut, cut. Because, apparently, it's all too high-falutin' and big-word-usin' for his widdle pea brain to wrap itself around, and therefore it's extraneous and can't possibly matter very much. Never mind that the last thing Toronto needs is a boorish fucking tea-tard for a mayor. Oh, but here's the musical question from Joe: "If people can't sell their talent in a free market, why are the rest of us forced to pay for their mediocrity?" Good question, Joe...and speaking of mediocrity, why are Sun readers paying for yours? It's even duller and more deadening than the advertising space it pads out.

30. Peter Fucking McKay. His name has been synonymous with asshattery for me pretty much since the time he called ex-Tory MP Belinda Stronach a dog (she dumped him; don't we all wonder why!). Now there's a new reason for it. When an imam who pronounced a fatwa against violence is "too extremist" for Peter, we have to wonder what the hell he's dusting his cigars with. Either that, or we have to wonder what extreme he himself is sitting at. (That of stupidity, no doubt.)

31. Jackson Fucking Diehl. As usual, he doesn't know shit about Venezuela and he ain't gonna, ever. If you believe anything you read about LatAm in the WaHoPo, do I feel sorry for YOU. It's not a newspaper anymore; it's not even half-decent fishwrap, nowadays.

32. Bob Fucking Woodward. And speaking of the WaHoPo and things that have come down in the world, how about him? Journalism ceases to be journalism when it becomes military propaganda.

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33. And while we're on the subject of not-journalism-anymore, how about The Fucking Globe & Mail. They fired two of their best, Rick Salutin and Tabatha Southey--both, not coincidentally, progressives. So glad I never got that internship they interviewed me for, in a moment of what was surely morbid curiosity, 15 years ago. I'd probably have gotten the ax, too.

34. And speaking of things that suck at the "new" and unimproved Grope & Flail, how about that Margaret Fucking Wente? Ugh. If they want to ATTRACT readers, they should get rid of HER.

35. Mark Fucking Schneider. Homophobia is certainly wankish enough, but pushing around a 14-year-old girl for carrying a rainbow flag? That's cowardly bullying, pure and simple. Shame on you, motherfucker.

36. And while we're on the subject of motherfuckers, how about these 78 rape-friendly anti-choice candidates? Talk about fascists bound to lose!

Uh oh, I feel a song coming on...

And finally, to all the tea-tards out there going nuts tonight because the OneNation rally drew more than double what your Beckapalooza did. Suck it, haters.

Oh, and:

Good night, and get fucked!

September 26, 2010

Wankers of the Week, Supplemental Edition: This is what impotence looks like

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Need a laugh at a bitter widdle troll's expense? Clicky the linky:

This is what I get from guys who never get any.

That IP is 74.55.11.66. Dallas, TX, ISP is ThePlanet.com. Notified of abuse, of course. And IP banned in the meantime.

You sure have a purty mouth, Dickless in Dallas. Kiss your mother with that?

September 25, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Equinoxious edition

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Well. How'd everyone like the Equinox? Now the days will be short and the nights will be long up here in the Northern Hemisphere, while all you lucky ducks in the south will be celebrating spring. But whatever time of year it is wherever, these people will be wankers regardless:

1. Whoever the fuck left a homophobic death threat on the big, friendly gay blog of Joe. My. God. Intriguingly, the IP of the commenter appears to point to the office of Saxby Fucking Chambliss (R-Scuzzbucket). After a day's busy back-and-forthing, it was confirmed. Now all that remains is to identify the perp. Ain't the Internets a bitch, sometimes?

2. Anthony Fucking Scaramucci. Wall Street feels "like a piñata"? What a shame, I was hoping it would feel more like a soccer ball full of shit with all the shit kicked out of it. Or better still, Adolf Hitler in the last minute before he committed suicide. Or Benito Mussolini right before the partisans got him. Because, you know, real fascism is CORPORATISM, and Wall St. liked Adolf Hitler just fine, back in the day. And why not--he kept those pesky Marxist trade unionists under control, eh?

3. Jerome Fucking Corsi. Oh joy, I was wondering when this swift-boating liar would raise his crackbrained head again. This time, it's the ultimate birther conspiracy theory he's touting. And then there's that "renounce Lucifer" thing. When will Mr. Corsi renounce wife-beating? That's what I want to know.

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Recognize this? It's a spoof on the first Peanuts cartoon--"Good ol' Charlie Brown...How I hate him!"

4. Diane Fucking Finley. You can't very well kvetch about previous governments wasting money on gun control when your own is throwing it away like water on the military-industrial complex. Unless, of course, you're a SupposiTory, in which case such unmitigated chutzpah is par for the course.

5. Candice Fucking Hoeppner. Another cardinal sign of SupposiTory illogic? Female misogyny. If you wanna be popular with Stevie's Boys, you have to hate your own vagina. And be willing to let other women, particularly in rural areas, get their heads blown off by irate estranged partners for your own shallow ideology.

6. Ray Fucking Carsjens. Yep, ur an asshole all around. Ur also illiterate cuz u cant spell fer shit. Ur stats also stink, and so do ur armpitz. And oh yeah, nice touch with the death threats there, asshole.

7. Jim Fucking Hoft. Yes, I'd say he's a very good candidate for Dumbest Man on the Internet. When you can't tell the difference between a bent-armed hand gesture and a stiff-armed Hitler salute, much less parse the irony of accusing a major civil-rights leader of fascism, that puts you right up there in the rarefied stratosphere of Teh Stoopid. (And don't even get me started on how a stylized version of the Rutherford-Bohr atomic model, in a logo, somehow equals Islamism.)

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8. Eddie Fucking Long. Yeah, that "ex-gay" stuff works great. So great, it makes you have sex with teenage boys! Keep an eye on this one, folks, the tally is apparently a running one. PS: Looks like someone's gonna have to kill himself.

9. Jim Fucking Flaherty. His talking points are all ripped straight out of the tea-tard section of the Repug playbook: FEAR FEAR TERROR TERROR FEAR FEAR FEAR! This is what one does when one's party doesn't have a serious agenda--play to the emotions of the gullible. Let's make their fears real, people, and have a coalition in earnest this time--I wanna see him and Harpo and all the rest of the SupposiTories pee their pants in unison!

10. Sharron Fucking Angle. Once more, she makes the news for all the wrong reasons; this time, it's for mocking autism. This from a woman who believes in forcing women to stay pregnant, even in cases of rape, incest--or serious fetal deformities. Autism is one of those. She wants to force women to have babies, even sick and deformed ones--but she doesn't believe in paying to keep them alive or treating their ailments. Nice, eh? PS: Nice supporters she attracts, too.

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11. Lorne Fucking Gunter. "Elitist" THIS, you fucking loser. Your divide-and-conquer bullshit lost you a parliamentary vote. And you know what? This RURAL "elitist" is gloating. Unabashedly.

12. Rand Fucking Paul. When fascism comes to the US, it will come wrapped in a flag, carrying a cross, and projecting loudly all the way.

13. Roman Fucking Conaway. Nope, all that islamophobic rhetoric and Obama-bashing is leading to absolutely no terrorism or violence at all. None whatsoever!

14. Ted Fucking Haggard. Well, who better to defend Wanker #8 from his gay, gay, gaiety-gay GAY critics than a not-gay boy-renter and booty-bumping meth user?

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15. Rob Fucking Ford. Gee, for a city of so-called "elites", Toronto sure has a lot of dumbass rednecks who would vote for this redneck dumbass.

16. And while we're on the subject of Rob Ford and dumbassery, how about that Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti? Guess he's forgotten the whole "Gino boy" slur. Awfully big of him? Yeah. Awfully.

17. Niki Fucking Ashton. Yes, even among NDP women, there's at least one token wanker. And this week's gun-registry vote was her time to, er, shine. Congrats, Niki. With "progressives" like you falling hook, line and sinker for the "urban elitists" scam, who needs Conservatives?

18. Carlo Fucking Giovanardi. Yeah, gay adoption really leads to child sex trafficking. Never mind that kids adopted by gay couples actually tend to grow up happier and better adjusted than those raised by "natural" straight parents. Never mind that the overwhelming majority of trafficked child sex abuse victims are girls abused by men! Shit, what are facts when you've got to keep that Vatican closet door tightly jammed, eh?

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19. These other fucking religious nutcakes in Samoa also have a fact problem. And it also coincidentally concerns Teh Queerz.

20. Bambang Fucking Bayu Fucking Suseno. Why the double Fucking? Because NOBODY, let alone anyone with a first name like Bambang, has any business babbling bullshit about forcing girls to pass virginity tests in order to qualify for public schooling.

21. Joseph Fucking Farah. Man, have the wingnuts ever been tripping over their own shoes this week, trying to look for deaths to blame on Obama. Farah has found one that can't be disproven, because it can't be proven either--he claims Obama killed God, simply by not mentioning him! Who knew it was that easy? Jesus.

22. Glenn Fucking Beck. He's ugly, he's antisemitic, and he gives off a bad odor. Really, what more is there to say about this fucker this week?

23. Keith Fucking Mason. Did you know that "fertilized egg" is as offensive as the word NIGGER? I didn't. I wonder whom it offends--perhaps the poor, neglected sperm that did all the work of wriggling and squiggling and fertilizing, only to get eaten in the end by that big, bad female egg? I'm sure that's it right there. Must be the bitterness and jealousy of the dude talking. After all, they can't carry a pregnancy, so they think it their moral duty to interfere with those who can (but sometimes won't, if they decide not to). Remember how many of these anti-choice leaders are male...

BTW, asswipe, if you're gonna talk about offensive terms "not based in science", "pre-born baby" is a hell of a lot worse. Doctors and nurses don't use it. They say fetus. Or "embryo" if it's less than 8 weeks along, or "fertilized egg" if it's still on its way down the Fallopian tube. Ever wonder why?

24. Stephen Fucking Harper. The UN rejected Canada for a Security Council seat. Hmmm, I wonder why. Could it be that when you trample on human rights, and are lackadaisical about fighting for those of even your own citizens (Omar Khadr, anyone?), and don't want to recognize that water is a fundamental one, unless you're pissing all over your own indigenous peoples, well...it stands to reason, doesn't it? You get poopy everywhere. And you're even less popular than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to boot!

25. Erik Fucking Rush. If "prison rapist" is not a specific, blatant racist slur against a non-white president, tell me--what the fuck is? Oh yeah, and food safety is an international conspiracy--written, no doubt, by the Illuminati. What depraved clock did this cuckoo come out of? And won't someone please shove him back in there and nail shut the fucking door?

26. Ann Fucking Coulter. Gee, I bet the idiots who organized HomoCon are now kicking themselves for inviting this blatant homophobe to their little shindig tonight. I bet the Coultergeist is gonna spend the entire night calling them all faggots, carpet-munchers, pillow-biters, poop-pushers, etc., and then then, when they react as anyone who's been insulted should, she'll snork and rasp: "Whatsamatter, can't you take a joke?" Well, they took her, so I guess they fucking can.

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27. Steve Fucking Warfield. And anyone else in the FBI who thinks anti-war groups are "providing material support to terrorists". Considering that terrorists tend to be extremely right-wing and anti-war activists very much on the left, how fucking likely is that, really?

28. Mike Fucking Pence. Oh look, another horse with two asses! Why do right-wingers keep having cowboy photo-ops and setting themselves up for this one? Do they think we can't tell?

29. John Fucking Boehner. Yep, looks like John's Boner--all two rust-colored inches of it--has been fucking, all right. In perfect keeping with right-wing family values, as always.

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30. Bill O'Fucking Reilly. Because we haven't had him here in a while, and he's been feeling vewy, vewy left-out. Sob, sniffle.

31. Jeffrey Fucking Epstein. Remember what I said about Wanker #1 and how Wall St. should be feeling right now? Well, here's one of the many reasons for that. The place is inhabited by people whose amorality would make a snake blush.

32. Christine O'Fucking Donnell. Now we KNOW she's even worse than the Paliness. Who else would have the bizarre dumb chutzpah to try to stop an entire country not only from masturbating, but having sex? (And we haven't even begun to plumb the full depth of her dumbth. Her views on evolution are just as bass-ackwards.)

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33. Rand Fucking Paul. Pecunia non olet? Don't bank on it. White supremacists taint EVERYTHING they touch. Including their money, and by extension, anyone they hand it to. In fact, we already KNOW Rand is tainted. This just explains where the stench comes from. (Well, PART of it, anyway..)

34. Ezra Fucking Levant. Not only an inarticulate interviewee, but utterly fact-free AND flips out when challenged, trying to overtalk his opponent, whom he then insults when he can't rebut him. And he is NOT one to talk about progressive views, because he doesn't HAVE any. And oh yeah, Native people are being sacrificed in the name of his "ethical" dirty-oil pie-in-the-sky, and Ezra doesn't give a shit. Calling him a putz is an insult to putzy people.

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35. Sue-Ann Fucking Levy. Homophobia? Check. Disdain for Palestinians? Check. Can't win an election herself? Check. Smear accomplished.

36. John Fucking Fund. As much as I dislike Christine O'Fucking Donnell and her fake feminism, she is as much entitled to lay a gender-discrimination lawsuit as anyone else if she has been legitimately wronged. And by telling her she shouldn't, what does that say about conservatism? Oh yeah, of course: CONSERVATISM IS SEXIST AS HELL. Why any woman would WANT to be a conservative is beyond me; it's like sticking your own neck in an executioner's noose.

37. Antonin Fucking Scalia. And while we're on the subject of sexist-as-hell, how about Fat Tony Vaffanculo? Apparently, fairness, like impartiality, is not a requirement for SCOTUS judgeships anymore.

38. George Fucking Jonas. Talk about shooting off at the mouth. Pity the bullet went through his foot instead. Sore ideological loser, anyone? This "we need guns to defend ourselves" shit is so old and hoary...almost as old and hoary as George himself. If gun-toting really worked to foil crime, wouldn't we see more "Quick-thinking gun-toter foils robbery/rape/murder/mayhem" headlines? Well, just scan your daily headlines sometime and see how many of THOSE you find. (Oh yeah, and didja know? He's Barbara Amiel's ex-husband. So of course that explains some of the ideological wankery right there.)

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And finally, to this week's WAY-too-up-close-and-personal wanker, Christopher Fucking Olorago (or whatever his real fucking name is; I'm sure this one, like all the others before it from the same IP, is not it). He wore out the welcome mat from the get-go with his tiresome nonsense, but I let him make an ass of himself here and here before finally giving him the boot. One would think that that much of my time and patience should be enough to satisfy anyone, but Chrissy, like all flibbertigibbertarian perpetual adolescents, thinks he has to control and manipulate everyone who doesn't bow to his majestic whims. He is a fool and therefore can't take a polite hint that I do not suffer fools gladly. So I kicked his ass off. But he decided to come back anyway, under a very thin disguise, and vent his feeble rage anyway. Just look what he left in my e-mail box on Wednesday...

Yay! Let's resort to violence! Typical socialist - no respect for freedom of association or criticism.

I pity you.

Commenter name: Sabina is a cow
Commenter email address: Sabinaisacow@gmail.com
Commenter URL:
Commenter IP address: 85.211.231.20

Charming,no?

Oh, and how's this for a projecting liar? This turd was dropped here, although I decided I was not going to publish it.

The comments I usually come across on YouTube call for the destruction of Israel and the killing of Jews.

A bit like what I read here.

Commenter name: Sabina Bitchy Becker
Commenter email address: binathebitcho@gotmail?.com
Commenter URL:
Commenter IP address: 85.211.163.97

Mature troll is very mature. Need a diaper change, Chrissy-poo? Sorry, you'll just have to do it yourself. Surely you're big enough. Why aren't you housebroken yet?

I get the feeling that in his spare time, this yob is a barroom hooligan who gets stinky fast, then starts pushing random strangers around and then, when they tell him to fuck off, he takes a jab, they hit back harder in self-defence--and then, when the cops come, he cries that HIS rights have been violated, boo fucking hoo. Never mind that he struck the first blow, repeatedly. Typical flibber, in other words: "Rules? RULES? FASCIST! NAZI!" (No shit, I got called that by another of his many incarnations, this one ostensibly female, but really just a poor transvestite doused with cheap cologne. The IP number tells me all I need to know; they are all one person. That's why they are all so tiresomely alike, and why I kick him down every time he comes here trying to drag a post off topic or twist my words against me. Can you blame me for lacking patience? Maybe I should hire a bouncer.)

But you know what? It's not "violence", or "censorship", or anything near it, to throw a troll off one's blog. It's just me, upholding freedom of speech--mine--by setting my own agenda and keeping my own joint clean. As Margaret Atwood pointed out recently, a blog is the blogger's space, and also that of legitimate commenters, but emphatically not that of trolls:

IS IT "CENSORSHIP" TO BLOCK TROLLS ON TWITTER?

No, and it's not "censorship" to send back hate mail unopened and refuse material for your own blog, either.

Need I point out that I have never called for the death of ANYONE on this blog, nor do I condone trolls who try to do so themselves? For anyone still in doubt, there it is. You don't like my no-death-threat stance on free speech? Too fucking bad.

As I've often said before, I'm not an absolutist, because absolute shit stinks absolutely. No one is exempt from responsibility for what they say, wherever they say it. Once again, I refer you to the death-threat troll from Saxby Fucking Chambliss's office. Internet trolling is NOT free speech. And when it goes that far, it is not subject to protection, since REAL violence is involved there.

In other words, if anyone should be crying violence here, it would be us bloggers. But I don't cry when I get an infestation of blog-cooties; I just flick 'em off, dust my hands, and sign off with my usual pleasantry for all those "libertarian" hypocrites who secretly want to control other people's agenda:

Good night, and get fucked!

September 18, 2010

Wankers of the Week: This amusement never ends

I wanna be your sledgehammer...or better still, just take it to a few of these wankers' kneecaps:

1. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. There's a lot of wank packed into this one nasty, brutish and short package. Take your pick as to what offends you most: Hitler jokes, homophobia, or rotten life advice for young women, it's all bad. But just for the hell of it, I'm gonna go with the last, because it's still being done (with no greater success than ever) in this "enlightened" age. Yeah, marrying an old fart for his money is really great--remember your long-suffering soon-to-be-ex-wife, you old figlio di puttana? She didn't think your money was worth the shit it came wrapped in. There's the REAL life lesson for the girls: Whatever Da Berluscoglioni tells you to do, ladies, DO THE OPPOSITE.

2. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh, what'll it be this week? The Statue of Liberty wank? The "mole" wank? The I-hear-voices wank? The caught-in-bed-with-Rand-Paul wank? The I'm-not-really-a-hunter-but-I-play-one-on-TV wank? The accusing-Obama-of-treason wank? Take yer pick. Even with Christine O'Fucking Donnell supplanting her in the wank department this week, the Paliness still managed to generate plenty of stoopid.

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3. Natalie Fucking Gonzales. Dollar Menu attracts too many hippies? No problem--make it a buck fifty and presto! Shaggy strangers disappear because this bait 'n' switch is suddenly too rich for their blood. Of course, it should go without saying that REAL hippies, who care about nutritional as well as dollar values, don't eat at McDonald's anyway.

4. Glenn Fucking Beck. He's pissed as hell that he has to donate what he raised at his 9-11 floppapalooza to the charity he promised to donate it to...but he's still got the gall to beg his brain-dead followers to buy him a fucking Mercedes. He also wants us (no doubt meaning women) to go home and bake pies. (Yes, really.) Oh yeah, and he also thinks fat people should be left to die. Well, I hope he gets his wish. And I hope Rush Fucking Limbaugh gets it, too.

5. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. If the media report embarrassing (but true) things about you, persecute the media! Gee, just imagine if this happened in Venezuela instead of France. Only, you know, that doesn't happen in Venezuela, where the media are reduced to making awful things up because Chavecito doesn't oblige them with anything really-truly terrible.

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6. and 7. Newt Fucking Gingrich and Dinesh Fucking D'Souza. Oh, if only His Barackness DID have a "Kenyan, anti-colonial" worldview; it would make for much smoother international relations, and would remove all motives for future terrorism to boot. Instead, he's got these two fucking idiots to kowtow to get all "bipartisan" with, and the rest of the world is doing a collective facepalm watching the spectacle.

8. David Fucking Grisham. He tried to burn a Qur'an on 9-11, but was stopped by a skateboarding hero named Jacob Isom. Nothing could be cooler than to say to a wanker what this guy did: "Dude, you have no Qur'an." And nothing could be cooler than for him to hand the book in question to a local imam, who I'm sure was very happy to see the wanker go home empty-handed.

9. Christine O'Fucking Donnell. Oh joy, another dumb brunette. Well, why should blondes have all the fun? This one is even worse than La Palin. First this teabag displaces a long-standing Republican incumbent, well known for his genuine class; now she's all triumphalist. Only problem is, there's ample video evidence from waaaaaay back that she has a barely functioning mouse brain. (Also, she can't write lit crit for shit.) Moreover, she is destined to lose; her Democratic opponent is polling double digits above her. Two more months of this stupid, lying piece of shit, and then the US can scrape her off the bottom of its shoes and have done with it.

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10. Jeri Fucking Thompson. I stand corrected regarding #9. Way to reclaim that title for the blondes, Jeri!

11. Kory Fucking Teneycke. And while we're on the subject of stupid, lying right-wing shits who will soon be scraped off the soles of countries' shoes, how about this one? He tried to play dirty US-style Freeperville politics with Avaaz's petition to stop FUX Snooze North; he got caught. Now he's resigned from FUX Snooze North (which as yet does not exist), citing a conflict of interest. Ya think? The conflict is, his ass got caught forging signatures to try to discredit a legitimate petition--on behalf of the federal Conservatives, for whom he STILL works, however unofficially. The conflict is, he's an epic fail as a Tory crapagandist. The conflict is, this channel--already unwanted, rejected before birth--is going to be even more unpopular, thanks to his Nixonian shenanigans. That's Kory's conflict--it's a conflict with the most basic of Canadian values: peace, order, good government--and oh yeah, HONESTY.

12. Pope Ratzi the Fucking Nazi. There's a major flaw in his "atheists are like Nazis" theory. Well, two, actually, if you count his own Hitlerjugend membership. It's so bad, even the Hindus were offended on the atheists' behalf, Ganesh bless them.

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13. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Anyone who'd cite Ezra Fucking Levant (whose lies have been yanked, for legal reasons) as a "must read" is a must-have-shit-for-brains.

14. John Fucking Bolton. Yes, he's still harping on the nonexistent "Venezuela threat". The only REAL threat that country poses is to set an example North Americans will want to emulate. Much to the chagrin of nobodies like the English Sheepdog, no doubt.

15. David Fucking Barksdale. He's not the only reason Google is now officially evil, but yeah, he's just one more scruffy, skeezy piece of flotsam from the underbelly of the beast. And he's one more reason I'm glad I never had a Gmail address.

16. Karl Fucking Rove. He grovels to the Pigman AND the Mousewoman? Wow, who knew that Bush's Turdblossom Brain was such a fucking wuss underneath it all? (And, more to the point: why didn't the Dems attack him while the attacking was good, knowing that?)

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17. Ann Fucking Coulter. You can tell a lot about a person's character just from the kind of following they attract. Mine tends to be literate, educated, politically very-liberal-to-leftist, thoughtful and charming. The Coultergeist's? Uneducated, semiliterate, asinine, antisemitic--and that's just the nicer ones. I'm sure they gravitate to her for any number of reasons, none terribly savory. But what would I know? I'm just a humble prog-blogger who attracts a lot of nice, intelligent, thoughtful, well-educated people. (And the odd wanker who can't resist outing themselves here every week. I take that to be a cry for help.)

18. Ezra Fucking Levant. Lying about anyone, in any way, is pretty damn stupid. Lying in print, about someone with mile-deep pockets, like, oh, say, George Soros? Suicidally idiotic. But guess who did it? Yep, Canada's prize idiot himself. What a great satisfaction to see him backpedal for a change; would be better not to see him fuck up like this in the first place. PS: Hey, Ethical Oil Boy, would you like some fries with this?

19. Anthony Fucking Cramer. Do you think he's got "mom" issues? I certainly do...

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20. John Fucking Baird. Slagging the "Toronto elites" for their anti-gun stance is pretty damn rich coming from someone who was born and educated there (in an elite private school, no less!), as was his equally anti-"elitist" boss. Well, one good thing is bound to come out of this: no one in Toronto, which has not sent a Conservative to Parliament since 1993, is ever gonna vote SupposiTory again! Neither is anyone in Montréal, for obvious reasons. And given that the majority of Canadians are city or town folk, and even in rural areas a majority are, with good reason, in favor of sensible gun controls (as opposed to the senselessness of no controls at all), well...let's just say that it's looking better and better for a progressive coalition, if only the opposition parties could get their goddamned act together and get the right message out.

21. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Support my unmarried ass with your withered lips, you hateful hag. Oh, and about that "national defense" thing? Tell it to the Military-Industrial Complex, they're laughing all the way to the fucking bank. Maybe if you washed that ancient lacquer out of your hair, your brain might get some oxygen for a change.

22. Stephen Fucking Harper. A liar? Slap my mouth! Damned if he isn't a big fat one after all. (This, of course, surprises no one, not even the First Cat.)

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23. James Fucking Powers. And the entire Pennsylvania Department of Homeland Security, come to that. Justifying their senseless boondoggle's existence by selling out environmentalists to natural-gas drillers? That is one low fucking blow. Also just one more proof, in case you needed it, that corporatism and fascism are one and the same, just as Mussolini said.

24. Bryan Fucking Fischer. If he's gonna go saying the things he goes around saying, I think he needs to do the following: Prove that he's been in the military; prove that he's not inbred; demonstrate exactly how being gay is "domestic terrorism"; and stop stoning the fucking whales!

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25. Geir Fucking Haarde. See what happens when you refuse to regulate, and just let banks have their way? You get financial collapse, a fallen government, and lawsuits everywhere!

26. and 27. Larry Fucking Black and Joel Fucking Fox. When you work for Joe Fucking Arpaio, the World's Worst Sheriff, misconduct goes with the territory. So does getting suspended when the public has finally had enough of your collective shit.

And that's it for this week. Any of you wankers out there across the pond feel like outing yourselves here tonight? Or are you done with trolling? Either way, my signoff to you remains the same as it ever was:

Good night, and get fucked!

September 11, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Crappy 9-11!

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Yeah, like I need to wish any of you a lousy return of this day, eh? Hell, this day was lousy long before it even came to be called 9-11; just ask the Chileans. They lost Salvador Allende, and their country's best hope to become sovereign, on this day in 1973. But since we in the northern hemisphere have had all our perceptions colored and every aspect of our lives fucked up by this day in 2001, calling it "Crappy 9-11" is just a sad statement of fact. Life has been crappy for all of us since, and for some, it's getting worse. It's all because of this day, and this week's wankers are the ones who just make it all the crappier:

1. Glenn Fucking Beck. Surprise! He lied. This is news? There is NO FUCKING WAY the National Archives would let him hold George Washington's original, hand-written inaugural address in his filthy, greasy, shit-stained paws. All right? And that's not the only time. He is a chronic, compulsive, pathological liar. So all you freaks who believe him, do the world a favor and crawl back under your rocks, and don't come out again. EVER.

2. Terry Fucking Jones. Well, didn't HE just lead us all on a merry dance this past week? First he WAS going to burn the Qur'an today, then he wasn't, then he was, then he didn't, and now he says he was and is never going to. I guess I should be surprised, but I'm not. Behind all the exasperation, I'm utterly bored with this fucking wanker, and I don't care if I never hear another word about him until he commits a flaming suicide. His real objective wasn't even to blackmail the Park 51 imam, Faisal Abdul Rauf, to change locations, as was often reported; the imam denies setting an appointment to meet him. So what was it, really? Oh, what else. To attract publicity, and to make a quick buck to pay for all the properties his cult (which should not be dignified with the title of ministry or church) had suddenly acquired. And maybe, also, to air his insanity for the world to see. Like we all really needed to see it this week, out of all 52 a year.

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3. Walid Fucking Shoebat. Honestly, with a last name like that, the jokes just write themselves. But seriously, he is BATSHIT.

4. David Fucking Frum. I'm sure Margaret Atwood is disappointed to see YOU on the tweeter, too. (I know I am.)

5. Ezra Fucking Levant. There are about a myriad other good reasons for this inclusion, but let's just say this one topped it for me:

atwood-levant-tweet.jpg

Face it, Ezzy, she's just not that into you.

6. Tony Fucking Blair. Oh, he doesn't want the public to be "inconvenienced by protesters". You fucking wanker, Tony--the protesters ARE the public, and they are angry at you because you are a war criminal who LIED to them!

7. Joel Fucking Hanson. There are just three words to describe him and his politics: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!! Cuckoo!!!

8. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. Can't govern worth merde? Zut alors, just pick on the Gypsies, n'importe pourquoi. Doesn't everyone?

9. Stephen Fucking Harper. Sudden show of humanity, this late in the game? Fail. Besides, everyone knows Harpo's a bot. PS: That sign thing? That's a super-wank. That money should ALL be going toward public services and job creation, not self-glorifying pud-pulling.

10. The Fucking Teabags of Montana. That "joke" about Matthew Shepard was so funny I forgot to laugh. So I'm gonna try again--here goes: Ha. Ha. Ha. (Nope. Still can't do it.)

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11. All these fucking sanctimonious homophobes here. They disgust me with their displays of piety and bigotry. Why do they have to do that in public? Can't they do it in their closets, like Jesus said to do?

12. Piero Fucking Gheddo. With a surname like that, the ghetto jokes just about write themselves, don't they? But wait till you see the ideology. Yes, the bigoted side of pronatalism is never far below the surface. I think it's the celibacy that brings it out; makes 'em spiteful.

13. Laura Fucking Schlessinger. Yeah, the Nazis really came to power by banning the word nigger. Either she really is this fucking stupid, or she's hoping YOU are--to believe her as she outdoes herself by sodomizing Godwin. Did I mention yet that they got a large part of their ideological inspiration from the bowels of the KKK?

14. The Fucking Savage Wiener. Bitch, quit projecting. It's not Jon Stewart that's the problem, it's YOU.

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15. Bryan Fucking Fischer. The only thing Muslims need from Christians (besides a healthy dose of understanding) is to be left in peace. And the only reason they are killing each other in Afghanistan and Iraq is because "Christians" came in, meddled in their politics, and started killing THEM. PS: This doesn't exactly help with the wankish image, either.

16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yes, the US is in a fight for its life--against the likes of YOU, you fucking Pigman! And you know something else? I'm not at all surprised that he and Wanker #2 are graduates of the same high school, same class even. Both do the same two things, basically: stir up bigoted hate and make money off it.

17. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Yes, there are two of them. But since their net wealth is the same, and they do the same unforgivable fucking shit with it, they are tied for their position on this list.

18. Jonathan Fucking Kay. Ever get the feeling he writes all his screeds one-handed? I certainly do. Maybe that's because whenever he jerks out something about honor killings, there are spots of sticky whitish ooze all over it. And all kinds of factual errors within.

19. This big fucking coward right here.

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20. Hans Fucking Zeiger. Who but a complete and pluperfect wanker could hate on those cute little cookie-selling Girl Scouts? Oh, only a long-standing and very proud woman-hater. Who else?

21. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Worst Sheriff in the World wants to become Second Worst US President Ever (Dubya, of course, being the first)? Fortunately, this one's gonna lose long before he gets anywhere near the starting line.

22. Shirley Fucking Phelps Fucking Roper. Why the double Fucking? Because there's just no hate that this brainwashed evil wench won't monger.

23. These twelve sick fucking bastards right here. Actually, they are worse than wankers--they are utterly vile. Just one more reason to end all wars--you'd be denying the psychopaths a free ride. And if serial murder for fun and the taking of trophies isn't psychopathy, then I don't know what is. They all belong behind bars for the rest of their lives.

24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yeah, building a peaceful community centre is, like, totally the equivalent of burning a holy book! Totally! Nice of her to keep picking on a place that she will probably never even see. And what the fuck is the meaning of this?

Book burning is bad. But the Muslim cleric who is running for parliament in Afghanistan is calling for the murder of American children in response to scorched Korans, which is worse. Where is the media's focus?"

Um, maybe it's because THERE WAS NO SUCH CLERIC. The media can't report a story that doesn't actually exist, Sarah, you stupid wench. And WTF is this?

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"Stand down" is what you say to soldiers in a war, and it's a command given by an officer. Who put this idiot in charge of the troops? And what are they at war against, as if we couldn't guess? If it's a war against Muslims you want, Sarah, get thee into uniform and get thee over to Afghanistan. I don't think you'd last long, though, seeing as you're not really used to handling guns.

24. Ron Fucking Johnson. Just like the Pigman (see points #5 and 6 here), he never bothered to register or vote until something was in it for him. Niiiiiiice. Remember this? Add also this. And this. And then, ask yourself if this person is really worthy to run for dogcatcher.

25. Jeff Fucking Marsh, alias Joe Fucking Cardiff. Who he? Basically, he's the UK equivalent to Pamela Fucking Geller. Or wants to be. Well, in one way he WILL be just like her: He's gonna get his sorry ass handed to him on a plate. And none too soon.

26. Fucking Dubya. No, we STILL don't believe you can read a book, and we're certain the one you "wrote" was ghosted. You can't even read a dinky little CIA briefing, and your old man was head of that agency. You couldn't listen to your Auntie Condi, either. Why else did 9-11 happen? It's YOUR FUCKING FAULT, DUBYA. That's why.

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27. Phil Fucking Davison. Angry much? You're yelling, and nobody knows why.

28. Bob Fucking Old. Did this copycat asshole burn any books today? Yes, he did. And karma is going to fuck him for it.

29. and 30. FUX Snooze and The Fucking New York Post. Ghoulish, or what? Oh yeah, and thanks for the fact-free junk food for the brain. I'm sure everyone who lost someone that day really appreciates this kind of "coverage".

31. Matt Fucking Drudge. I thought nothing he did could be more disgusting than his sexual fetish for eggs. I was wrong, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

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32. Newt Fucking Gingrich. He's irrelevant, and he hasn't a snowball's chance, but damned if he's not still determined to hijack all the discourse, all the same. This is true to pattern; he did it in the '90s, too. But back then, he was in power; he's just a loudly whining mosquito nowadays. If Obama were to come out against Park 51, he'd be demonstrating not "evenhandedness", but the same blind wingnut bigotry that's poisoned everything since that god-awful day. Newt, don't mess with New York City's planning decisions--just fuck off and go home.

33. Pamela Fucking Geller. Yeah, I'd say "charlatan" about covers it. Personally I'd have gone for "fascist fuckhead", but that's just me. She claims way more people attended her flying-monkey poop-fest than actually came.

34. Donald Fucking Trump. Naturally, he too had to stick his hideous combover in where it wasn't wanted and didn't belong. Never mind that the piece of real estate in question has actually been used as an informal prayer site for several years now, with NO outrage or interference. Does that not tell anybody anything?

35. Rosie Fucking DiManno. Who died and made HER the arbiter of what's "reasonable"? Another fucking opportunistic hijacker of discourse. (Yeah, surprise, they're not all in the US; Canada has 'em too, unfortunately.)

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Finally, this one's for all those who still oppose Park 51. Did you know that the World Trade Centre itself played host to an informal mosque? And that more innocent Muslims died as a result of the terrorism that day nine years ago than perpetrated the crime? And that some of them were probably in that prayer room on the 17th floor when the building came down? Yes, that's right: GROUND ZERO WAS A MOSQUE LONG BEFORE IT WAS GROUND ZERO. Read all about it, and stop your goddamned infernal bigoted screeching. The world has had enough of your shit.

Good night, and get fucked!

September 4, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Eleanor Rigby memorial edition

Music, maestro...this is going to be a musical wankapedia!

All the crazy people...where do they all come from? I don't know the answer, but this list is where they belong. Ah, look at all the crazy people!

1. Pamela Fucking Geller. Making the world safe for crazy Islamophobes and irony-impaired Nazi-symps everywhere. Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she brilliant? Isn't she just such a humanitarian? Isn't it time she were locked up in a nice rubber room by big men in white coats? Honestly, this woman reminds me of the three lonely old hate-mongering cuckoos from Mother Night, who made common cause over a hatred of a common enemy. And those unreformed Nazis who made her their pet Jew do, too.

2. Billy Fucking Roper. Alan Berg died in a hail of terrorist bullets so that white-power terrorists (and bank robbers) like Bruce Fucking Pierce could have a "viking funeral". Oh, the humanity. And since when do "martyrs" die of natural causes? Even if it's in a "ZOG" prison, that's not martyrdom. If you really want to give the bastard a Viking funeral, tie together some logs, put the corpse on it, set the thing on fire, shove it into the middle of a bog, and wait till it sinks. It's cheap, and it's plenty authentic. I doubt very much that he merits any of the accoutrements of the original ship burials, such as slaves buried alongside.

3. Godfried Fucking Danneels. Silence is golden, especially when it's the fortunes of the Vatican that are at stake. After all, someone's got to pay damages to all those clerical sexual abuse victims. And in this case, the abuse was INCEST as well. What could make the church look worse? Silence is golden, golden, but still my eyes can see...

4. Bill Fucking Keller. A Muslim community centre at Park 51: unacceptable. But a church for hate-mongering bigots? Apparently fine. Where is the outrage?

5. The Fucking Fraser Institute. Canada's one-note wonder stink-tank is churning out free-market crapaganda like there's no tomorrow...and if we take their glurge to heart, there WILL be no tomorrow. Running schools like businesses turns children into commodities. And worse yet, what happens when a private school--business--fails? Worst of all, look at the product they turn out. Conrad Fucking Black was privately educated, and he's our biggest corporate felon. He got his start in kleptocracy by cheating at school and selling cheat sheets to his classmates. This is what's "competitive" to Fraser & Co.? DO NOT WANT.

6, 7, and 8. Greg Fucking Gutfield, Erick Fucking Erickson, and Matt Fucking Drudge. You know things have gone through the Looking Glass when the far-right is collectively yearning for a Dear Leader who appears to have sprung straight from old Joe Stalin's loins. Funny how none of them ever screamed about Dubya's effeminacy when he choked on a pretzel and fell off his mountain bike. At least His Barackness isn't embarrassing them by doing anything as stupid as THAT. Last time I looked, guys, real men wore bike helmets. (The brain is a sex organ too, and it's bigger than the gonads.)

9. Rand Fucking Paul. Well, at least he finally confirmed my suspicion that when you scratch a flibbertigibbertarian, you find a fascist. Or in this case, a whole heap of tainted fascist MONEY. No wonder he was so keen on letting business owners get racist all over their clientele.

10. Thilo Fucking Sarrazin. The swastika may be illegal in Germany (and rightly so), but fascistic pseudoscience is apparently still allowed. And worse, assholes who subscribe to it manage to rise to high places in the banking sector. Who's a bigger wanker than Thilo? The other bankers, for not condemning him.

11. Jason Fucking Kenney. What's with the red-baiting? What fucking decade is this? Hello, Jason, are you aware that the Cold War is long over? And should a man who's still in the closet go around accusing political opponents of being "on the extreme edge of the left and not in touch with reality", when his own party is now on the extreme edge of the right and, judging by its hatred of all things factual, scientific and statistical, DEFINITELY not in touch with reality?

12. Andy Fucking Coulson. Wow, who knew that Tories on the other side of the pond were just as sleazy and unethical as their namesake counterparts over here? Those who voted for these punks obviously didn't. And now look how their surveillance society is mutating. Shocking, innit? This could be in store for us, too, if the Harpocraps get another term in office. Or if the Liberals and the NDP keep kowtowing to them.

13. Brian Fucking Ross. So, I take it that false-alarm terror tale was just a dry run for some real news, then?

14. Michael Fucking Reagan. The only thing worse than Glenn Fucking Beck's lunacy is watching someone else suck his schlong for it. And unfortunately for Glenn, Michael, and the Ghost of Michael's Dad, the Founders were very explicit (in the Treaty of Tripoli) that the US is not a Christian theocracy. Meaning, "under God", that phrase appended to the Pledge of Allegiance during the McCarthy era, is null and void, and that all this talk of losing one's way is nothing but a cloud of ill-smelling breath.

15. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she's every bit as shallow, harpyish, rude, vindictive, and just plain nasty as we've long suspected she was. And then some. It doesn't surprise me a bit that those who have worked for her are "broken, used, stepped on, down in the dust." Unfortunately, the same is also true of her much-trumpeted kids. The least she could do is pay them for the trouble they go through on her behalf.

16. Concerned Fucking Women of America. You know you're scraping the bottom of the barrel when you're scouring the silly, trashy gossip mags for evidence that older women + younger men = EVIL. I am so tempted to make jokes here about how badly these "women" (who at one point were headed by a man--are they still?) need to stop being so damn "concerned" and just get laid. Preferably by a cute young guy. But everyone knows that that would not only be cruel, it would be absurd.

17. This crazy fucking bitch right here.

18. Garry Fucking Breitkreuz. Oh sure, the long gun registry is about "public control". Just like motor-vehicle licensing. I guess Garry has never heard those four little magic words that turn a "law-abiding gun owner" into a raving, murderous gun nut: I want a divorce!

19. Csanad Fucking Szegedi. Nazis: Hungary still has them. Also amnesia: Remember the last time a European government rounded up Gypsies and put them in concentration camps? The Jobbik yobbos don't.

20. Tim Fucking Pawlenty. My best friend and his partner are glad to be back in Canada, and no wonder. If they were still living in Minnesota, they'd have to raise their two teen sons under a governor who subscribes to wingnut birth control--that is, abstinence-only sex ed, a program that everyone knows does not work.

21. Jan Fucking Brewer. Somebody call the embalmers! A corpse has lost its head! No, wait, false alarm--it's just the fascist zombie governor of Arizona, shooting her desiccated mouth off again. I guess they're not sewing shut the lips of the dead anymore. Pity. They pop open in those desert winds!

22. David Fucking Limbaugh. Did you know that the Pigman has a brother? And that the guy's a conspiracy nut? It's totally true!

23. Sharron Fucking Angle. A lunatic? A hypocrite? Oh shit, there's no reason why she can't be both. After all, she's a teabag!

24. Tony Fucking Blair. How was he NOT a wanker this week? At least he got some eggs and shoes out of the bargain. Meanwhile, countless Iraqis lost their lives.

And finally, to all the up-close and personal wankers who pooped, peed and ejaculated here this past week. I'm not going to bother going over what they left behind; if their mothers didn't teach them to clean up after themselves, that's not my fucking responsibility, any more than it's my job to blow sugar up their asses. You've probably seen them; if not, just look for entries where there are comments, and enjoy. As for the trolls, I have just this to say:

Good night, and get fucked!

August 28, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Bad eggs edition

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Pee-fucking-yew--what IS that smell? Looks like salmonella's not the only thing that can turn your stomach, and it's not the only thing stinking up the joint of late. These bad eggs--of the human variety--are making me wanna puke:

1. Kim Fucking Tran. With an attitude like that, she deserves to lose ALL business at her nail salon, not just that of the overweight. Or does she think those extra pounds come stuffed with extra cash?

2. Roy Fucking Blunt. You know what's REALLY inappropriate? Comparing the Cordoba Centre to "Dr." Laura Fucking Schlessinger's "nigger-nigger-nigger" rant. Why is it okay to discriminate against Muslims, and not all the other religions whose believers died on 9-11?

3. Erik Fucking Prince. If you're not a fraudster, what the fuck are you doing in Abu Dhabi--knowing you'll never be extradited from there?

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4. Conn Fucking Carroll. The burden of proof is still on the accuser. Prove to us that Julian Assange is responsible for even ONE death in Afghanistan as a result of publishing what Bradley Manning gave him on Wikileaks. Just one. Can't do it, can you? Oh, surprise.

5. Mary Fucking Bale. Cats are beautiful creatures (I would argue the MOST beautiful); cat haters are ugly (and in the case of this one, downright hideous). Fortunately the mistreated tabby survived, but it's a testament to the ugliness of this hag's soul that she first acted friendly toward it, then dumped it in a garbage can without even pausing. That's just beyond words.

6. T. Boone Fucking Pickens. He stinks up the Huffington Post slandering Chavecito, and now we know why. His real agenda isn't green energy, it's OIL THEFT!

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7. Randy Fucking Kuntz. Constable is out of line; police chiefs SUPPORT our long-gun registry. And no wonder. Of the last 16 police officers shot to death in Canada, 14 were long-gun homicide victims. And the registry is consulted more than 10,000 times a day--BY COPS. It's an effective crime-fighting tool. Gun control IS crime control, people!

8. BTW, Shelly Fucking Glover is a wanker for the same reason as #7. It's bewildering that a woman could support abolishing something that's saved so many of her sisters from a grisly, untimely death.

9. Ditto Candice Fucking Hoeppner. Why do you two wankers hate your own sex so much? PS: Nice junket, Candy.

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10. These fucking homophobes here. Seriously ugly wanktardery there, folks. God did not tell you to do it, you did it off your own bat and then claimed it was God. You are not God, no matter how much you might think you are (or claim to speak for Her.)

11. Rocco Fucking Rossi. Really, defending the homophobes' "right" to annoy a neighborhood? I hope that costs you votes, jackass. Nobody has the "right" to harass others! And if you want to see what "the people have spoken" looks like, may I remind you that the community came together to kick out the 'phobes from their quiet street? Yeah, that's right...gay or straight, NOBODY likes self-righteous wanktards, and no one thinks they have a right to disturb the peace with it!

12. Anna Fucking Ardin. Ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but between that skeevy Wikileaks "scandal" and her own antisemitic fringe-right (not left!) leanings, there's just something majorly unattractive about her.

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13. Alan Fucking Simpson. Oh, the social safety net--"310 million tits" and one big fat BOOB.

14. Michael Fucking Enright. Funny or Die? Definitely DIE. Should have stuck to filmmaking, nerdy boy--attempted murder does NOT look good on a résumé unless you're trying out for CIA covert ops.

15. Chris Fucking Young. Ever wonder why so many people have trouble finding Jesus? It's because he's hiding from wankers like this one.

16. Brian Fucking Williams. Dude, if you're gonna talk dick, do it on Chatroulette.

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17. Stephen Fucking Harper. He thinks he makes the rules? Um, no, Stevie, you're just a bad employee of the Canadian public. You may also think you're a wit, but you're only half right.

18. Nathan Fucking Herbert. Stalking and lewdness: is that some kind of Mormon thing? Or is it a governor-of-Utah's-son thing? Whatever it is, your magic underwear isn't going to protect you from the consequences, y'know.

19. Joe Fucking Miller. Lisa Murkowski may be what you say she is, but what does that make you? My vote is on the box marked "wanker". PS: Pathetic excuse does not wash.

20. Rob Fucking Ford. Among all else, form letters--quite possibly his classiest move to date.

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21. Peter Fucking Thiel. Want to cancel your PayPal account? Can't say I'd blame you if you did. It's not Teh Ghey, or even the conservatardery, it's the Coultergeist Cooties that're the problem here. Aside from the cognitive dissonance that goes with being both gay and conservative, there's this little conundrum: If you're gonna throw a HomoCon, shouldn't your guest speaker be somebody other than a rabid homophobe?

22. Ben Fucking Stein. Dull as tofu, and nowhere near as useful. But hey, at least he's fact-free! I hope he lets us know when he decides to step out of his own little world and rejoin the rest of us in the bigger one. And until then, I hope he STFUs.

23. Pamela Fucking Geller. Have I mentioned yet today how very loathsome this hate-mongering idiotess is? No? Well, consider it done.

24. Dennis Fucking Miller. Unfunny fratboy has been to one kegger too many. Sure does put the ASS in class, though.

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25. This fucking racist middle school. Naturally it's in Mississippi GawdDAMN. But still--what the fuckity-fucking FUCK?

26. "Dr." Laura Fucking Schlessinger, AGAIN. She has a black friend! And a gay one! Big fucking whoop, so did Renee Fucking Baio. Must sure make them feel good to know they're just tokens, eh? I wonder if she tells THEM not to be so hypersensitive about other people's racism and homophobia, too. Because hey, she suffers from both, and if it doesn't bother her, why should it bother THEM?

27. Laura Fucking Ingraham. So hateful and dumb, she can't see the OTHER hateful dumbasses even when they're right under her nose. Because to her, hate and dumbassery are normal!

28. Michele Fucking Bachmann. You know you're a bad egg when you have to tell shaggy-dog stories to impress the voters, and you can't get the dates (or any other relevant data) straight. Someone please tell Ms. Batshit that the U-2 wasn't a German submarine (that was the U-boat, U being short for Undersea), it was a US SPY PLANE. One of them got shot down over Russia. Hell, Lee Harvey Oswald used to track them on radar for the US Marines from Atsugi! I bet she doesn't know any of that, much less how the Dorchester really went down. And yet she uses that wartime incident shamelessly for her own gain--and abuses it in the process. How does someone this smug and stupid even make it through school, never mind into politics?

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29. Sarah Fucking Palin. She was at Glenn Fucking Beck's Wankfest in Washington today, and sure enough, some creep in the crowd decided it was the perfect opportunity to rock out with his cock out while she was up there squawking. How anyone could get turned on by that grating voice, I don't know, but it happened. They should both have been arrested for public indecency. (And the anonymous diddler should be thankful he didn't do it in front of the Fucking First Dude, who I hear has a wicked bad temper.)

30. Luis Fucking Bonilla. Sexual abuse and alienation of a teen: bad. Sexual abuse leading to teen pregnancy: worse. Sexual abuse of teen caught on tape: horrifying. All of the above, while presumably celibate and in a position of trust: GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL, YA FUCKING BASTARD.

31. Paris Fucking Hilton. Pots of unearned money + unearned fame = Shit Girl. When will the media learn to stop glorifying this talentless twat?

32. Rod Fucking Blagojevich. I don't know how he managed not to be convicted, but I'd say it's just more evidence of how crooked he is. His hair alone is worthy of a ten-year sentence. The jurors who failed to convict him are wankers too.

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And finally, to Glenn Fucking Beck. Today was his big, bull-goose loony day--the national day of backlash by self-righteous whites against them evil, uppity blacks. With unmistakable fascist overtones. Of course this would never be happening if one of Them had not "invaded" the White House (thus tinting it a subtle, yet strangely becoming shade of coffee brown.) Let us now enumerate the ways in which this "reclamation" (which sounds suspiciously Civil War-ish) is a wank...with a little help from Charles, Bob, Zaid, Monica and anyone else who has written something nasty but true about him today. He usurped a day that was about equal rights, trying to take it over in the name of white supremacy. All that was missing was the burning cross and the hooded sheets. Frankly, Glenn, I hope your hemorrhoids burst...and that no doctor will be able to stem the hemorrhaging (or want to).

Good night, and get fucked!

August 21, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Cordoba House edition

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Ah, the non-mosque that's not going to be built on Ground Zero--what is there to say about it that hasn't been said already? It's been the subject of a lot of wankage this week, and so by default, it's my theme this week (among others). What's most hilarious is how some say it would be insulting to build a Shinto shrine at Pearl Harbor. There isn't any, but there IS a Japanese cultural centre not so far away, and nobody's shrieeeeeeking about that. A mosque, if it were one, would be a vast improvement over this. But it's not a mosque, it's a community centre. So, why worry about a bunch of friendly moderate Muslims building their own equivalent of a YMCA?

Well, wankers being wankers, they find their own "reasons" to wank their willies off about whatever's got them all hot and bothered. So here they are, in no particular order...

1. Nick Fucking Newcomen. He drove all that way just to give his country the world's biggest piece of shitty "advice". Guess that makes him a mega-wanker. Hey Nick, whose ideology do you think is RESPONSIBLE for all that wrack and ruin that the US is going through right now? I don't understand how anyone can recommend such a complete and pluperfect psychopath, let alone go to this length to do it:

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See how easy it is to pwn Nick the Nutjob and nullify all his haaaaaaaaarrrrrd work? All *I* needed was the Internets--which happen, by chance, to be the collaborative work of many geniuses, not the sole doing of a mythical (and utterly fictional) John Galt who could pull the plug on us all at any time, on some mad egotistical whim.

2. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Pair of flipflops for you, dear? Or perhaps a coat that's easy to turn without anyone else noticing? Yes, people she was FOR the so-called Ground Zero Mosque before she was against it. Interesting how a fist full of Rupee Murdoch's dollars could turn her head, just SNAP, like that!

3. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yo Pigman, Barack Obama is not "post-American", nor is he "anti-American". He's a better American than you, although believe me, at the rate he caves in to your whack-ass lunatic side, that's not saying much.

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4. Pamela Fucking Geller. Yes, she's the main driving force behind the whole anti-mosque "movement" (a movement, no doubt, of the bowel kind.) Did you know she's also in league with Nazis? It's true!

5. Bill O'Fucking Reilly. Really...attacking Jennifer Aniston just for stating that women have tons of options today that they didn't a generation ago? I've never been a fan of hers, but I suppose it's not too late to start. Anyone who can pwn Billo is hail-fellow-well-met with me.

6. and 7. Orly Fucking Taitz and Connie Fucking Rhodes. Too bad, so sad--you know you're a loser when even Dubya's most right-wing appointees rule against you.

8. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Godwin's Law has not only been violated, its corpse has been sodomized. By a two-time adulterous preacher of family values, no less. Since Newty's reared his pudgy little head yet again, it can only mean one thing: He's cheating on his third wife, and he needs cover in the worst way. And he's generating it...in the worst way. When you go around comparing 9-11 survivors and victims' families to Nazis, you've not only scraped the bottom of the barrel--you've gone straight through it. I sure hope Mrs. Newty #4, whoever she is, is worth this, because it's a fucking disgrace.

9. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Why?

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That's why.

She is not only a liar (check it out, Maggie, most of Europe does NOT have same-sex marriage, and its birthrates aren't so low either), she also has no neck. With spokespeople like this, it's no wonder "traditional" marriage (between a man and a woman and his mistress, for money and status and reproduction and appearances--but not love) is in trouble.

10. Tom Fucking Frazier. Well, at least his handwriting is legible.

11. Bill Fucking Kristol. A bag of salted dicks is entirely too good for him. Throw in some lightly roasted dog turds, dammit.

12. Juan Fucking Sandoval Fucking Iniguez. Christ, what is it with Mexico City's asinine cardinals lately? Last week it was a screaming Mary-in-the-closet getting his 'phobe on over same-sex marriage, this time it's another one, slandering the mayor over gay adoption (which is also on its way to legality in all of Mexico). Nojoda, this is stoopid shit. Look, you two--if you don't want to perform gay weddings, that's fine. Nobody's holding a gun to your skullcapped heads. But isn't it time you took your hands off the kids? Has the whole Marcial Maciel thing not taught you anything? Oh, yeah, that's right...gay adoption would deprive predatory churchmen of more victims, just as gay marriage would deprive the church of closet cases seeking refuge. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

13. This stupid fucker right here:

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I don't care if this was a joke or not, it's not funny. I hope you get it hard up the ass with a splintery broomhandle for that, motherfucker. Haha, just kidding! Ain't I funny? No? Well, there you go, then.

14. and 15. Matt Fucking Drudge and John Fucking Bolton. Oh look, the Eggman also has the hots for Pamela Fucking Geller's milk-mustachioed crushboy! Srsly, you two guys should lay off Iran and just get a room. And invite Pam, too, I hear she's mega kinky.

16. Laura Fucking Schlessinger. No, "Dr." Laura, your First Amendment rights were NOT "usurped" by anyone else. They were ABUSED. By YOU. The people you're whining about merely called you on your shit. And considering how much you've babbled about personal responsibility on your hate-mongering show over the years, one might think you could finally learn to exercise a little of your own for a change, instead of cultivating a victim mentality and blaming "groups"--such as the NAACP, no doubt, the same you ATTACKED on your goddamned show. You should have been kicked off the air long ago on the grounds that you are a FRAUD who is not qualified to dispense advice on the radio or anywhere. Next time you say you're sorry, apologize for REAL.

17. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

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That's why. Very big of her, though, to forget that "Dr." Laura once called her a bad mother (a point on which she may have been correct, seeing how Sawah's kids are turning out. Of course, "Dr." Laura too has a skeleton in the motherhood closet.)

18. Juan Fucking Pereda Fucking Asbun. Aside from the fact that I'm glad Bolivia has a president now who looks like the average Bolivian, and who is popular and democratically elected (and re-elected), and who has made real and positive changes to the way things get done around there, I'm especially glad when I compare and contrast Evo with his right-wing predecessors. Especially the pedobear types.

19. Jacob Fucking Sullum. Only an anti-science flibbertigibbertarian airhead would lionize an epidemiologist who "proved" that particulate matter in the air does not cause lung disease. Try telling DOCTORS that they're just being "politically correct" when they diagnose a smoker with lung disease CAUSED by smoking. Or all those 9-11 first responders now dying of lung diseases caught from inhaling particulate matter in the toxic air around the remains of the WTC! Go on, I darez ya. Sick as some of those guys are, they could still tie your ass into a pretzel for that.

20. Rob Fucking Ford. I reiterate: Unfit for mayor of Toronto. Could go postal at any time. Plus, isn't he disqualified by the string of criminal incidents he's been in? He should be. PS: There's now a Facebook group dedicated to making sure he doesn't end up bullying City Hall. Go see.

21. Maury Fucking Davis. A convicted murderer who has the gall to put his own words in Christ's mouth? How did this one even get to theological college, much less graduate as a minister? Granted that he may have had a conversion experience in prison, but his right-wing tendencies argue against that. He should know his bible by heart, and that means no excuses for failing to realize that Jesus said nothing about Muslims. Islam was still six centuries in the future then, anyway.

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22. And speaking of those "Christians" who cast the first stone, how about SUZANNE FUCKING ALL CAPS NITOUCHE? Jesus never said anything about gays, either.

23. Ron Fucking Johnson. His name is Ron Johnson, he comes from Wisconsin, and he thinks its workers are "losers". Or should that be "looters"? He thinks Atlas Shrugged is the bible, after all. Guess who's gonna lose the next election to the very fine Russ Feingold? Yup, Randian Ronny. Hey nonny nonny.

24. Rick Fucking Lazio. The non-mosque at Park 51 is a non-issue. Tricky Ricky's shady business dealings, on the other hand...well, I can see why he would use a non-issue to cover THOSE up. They are quite the issue indeed.

25. Randy Fucking Brown. Your "humor" is--how to put this delicately?--NOT FUCKING FUNNY. A truly enjoyable alternative to your crude video would be one of actual, lovely quotes from Republican "ladies" (see below.) And even better, Tom Jones wouldn't be going after you for abusing his music!

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26. Allen Fucking West. What size is the shoe that I see sticking out of his mouth? Here's a tip, Allen: if you're trying to shake off someone who's out to catch you in lies, exaggerations, and other assorted whoppers, don't resort to hyperbole. Especially not of the Godwin kind.

27. Whoever the fuck is responsible for the nation's weirdest fucking grow-op.

28. Tasha Fucking Kheiriddin. I'm sure Harpo enjoys a BJ as much as the next dude, but a remora? Really, dudette, that's just so undignified. Let go of him, already.

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And finally, to this week's up-close and personal wanktards: Corny Fucking Black ("Corny" is right, you sure as hell are!), "Dr." (of what, autoproctology?) Carter Fucking Kolodny, and Chris Fucking Kemp (one dumb shit, two dumb piles). And to all you other oh-so-valiant anonymous trolls who felt compelled to defend the nonexistent honor of Christopher Hitchens, which is certainly more than he ever did. The fail is strong with all of you, and it's the only strong thing about you (other than, of course, the stench).

Good night, and get fucked!

August 14, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Tea-totaled and no sympathy edition

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Oh, what a theme I picked for this week. Just as I'm about to put this entry to bed, wouldn't you know, I come down with yet another summer gut bug. I get two or three of them every year. This one just has me wiped out, running to the bathroom faster than you can say Trotsky. I need tea; sympathy would also be nice (I don't expect it.) But you know what's worse than having the shits? Being one...like these shits, for whom I have neither tea nor sympathy:

1. David Fucking Brown. The Dallas police chief thinks facts are, you know, too intuitive. Dallas has reported a 25% rise in rapes. So instead of being pro-active against men who rape, what does he do? Tells women to quit drinking. Y'know, chief, the problem might be better alleviated by banning sleazy guys from bars, but maybe that's just my two X chromosomes talking.

2. Ann Fucking Coulter. The right's Judy Garland? Sorry, not even close. The Coultergeist can't sing, can't dance, can't act, isn't pretty, and doesn't look that way. Not only that, but with "friends" like her, the gays don't need any enemies. Remember, she's the one who routinely and unironically derides men she dislikes as "faggots".

3. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. How pathetic is the Pigman? So pathetic that William. Fucking. Shatner. can. own. his. fat. sorry. ass. in. a. debate. on. healthcare!

4. Sarah Fucking Palin. She's all wee-wee'd up over being seen as a celebrity, not a political figure.The question is, what's she famous for? Scandals, quitting, more scandals, more quitting, and still more scandals (including two gooey, lie-laden books she didn't even write). Yep, by current US "reality" standards, she's a celebrity, all right. Any serious political figure would be toast with a record like that. But the Ditziest Dame in Alaska is still winkin', grinnin', rollin' her eyes, and droppin' her Gs in true fake down-home celebrity fashion.

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5. Ashton Fucking Kutcher. Max Blumenthal calls him a "himbo for apartheid"; I say he called it just about right.

6. Anne Fucking Milton. Yes, Britain still has milk-snatching Tory women. Let's hope this one never makes it as far as Maggie Fucking Thatcher.

7. Rand Fucking Paul. Even at college, he was more than a little bit loopy. A prankish kidnapper who messed with women's heads? Say it ain't so. (And maybe it ain't. Or maybe it is. Who knows, if the victim won't come forward?) And yeah, membership in a liberal secret society is really a great way to burnish those conservative credentials, eh? This guy is so bent, it's impossible to know what's real about him and what isn't. I think it's safe to say he's not a serious candidate for anything except obscurity. (Or is it? See what I fucking mean???)

8. Norm Fucking Coleman. "Who put that charge on my card?" Gee, I wonder. You forgot something, dickweed--DUBYA'S DEFICIT. (And we wonder why you lost to a wrestler, a comedian--and barely beat a dead man? We can stop wondering now.)

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9. Paul Fucking Blankfield. Assaulting a father because his son is autistic and makes noises because public places (also noisy) upset him? Hello, toilet bowl, something is circling the drain. Please flush, and don't forget to wash your hands.

10. Melodi Fucking Dushane. Are Chicken McNuggets a breakfast food? No. Are they worth throwing a hissyfit over? Depends who you ask. But if you ask me, the answer is also a big fat resounding NO.

11. and 12. Pamela Fucking Geller and John Joseph Fucking Jay. If they could only fuck each other, instead of messing with people's heads. It sounds like both of them could use a good lay, which, paradoxically, they are unlikely to find in each other. Maybe this crazy-dumb dickweed could help them there, lending his head for use as a dildo and/or buttplug. PS: Scrap the sexology, this pathology goes much deeper. Get this woman to a shrink, stat.

13. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Most hypocritical asshole of the last century, and possibly this one as well, if what his second wife, Marianne, has to say is true:

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. "'I can't handle a Jaguar right now.' He said that many times. 'All I want is a Chevrolet.'"

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He'd just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he'd given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, "How do you give that speech and do what you're doing?"

"It doesn't matter what I do," he answered. "People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter what I live."

Yep, that sounds like Newty, all right. And now he wants his country to tolerate his bullshit? I'd say they moved on more than a decade ago and want nothing more to do with him now. Marianne's assessment of his chances there also rings true. (And if I were his current wife, I'd shop for a new husband, and not ask for a divorce until my wedding plans were firm.)

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14. Tony Fucking Clement. Some of us eat, sleep and breathe; some of us lie, lie and lie. Guess which category he falls into. BTW, he's also really pig-fucking ignorant.

15. Gary Fucking Korkuc. Who the hell tries to marinate a live cat (his own pet, at that), THEN kill and eat it? A fucking psychopath, that's who. Good thing the cat now has a new family.

16. Trade Fucking Martin. The only thing you've got to stop, dude, is sucking ass. And writing music. But I repeat myself. Gawd, you stink.

17. Chris Fucking Ortloff. Yay, another Republican pervert! Just what the world needs! Because really, who's more entitled to sex with underage girls (11 and 12, in case you wanted to know)?

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18. Hal Fucking Turner. A one-man case for handgun (and other gun) bans. Saying judges who uphold the law "should be killed" is reason enough to take away the means for killing ANYONE. Especially from a blatant racist loser like this piece of shit. In fact, this guy should lose all access to the Internet, too...his "free speech" is NOT protected, seeing as it consists mainly of hate and death threats. That's another means to murder that should not be allowed.

19. Norberto Fucking Rivera. Congratulations, Mexico, you have sanity on your supreme court, and thanks to that, same-sex marriage is now legal throughout all 31 of your beautiful states. I'm sure that there will be many happy couples formalizing their relationships there in the weeks and months to come, and I wish all of them the very best. But--lo siento mucho, Mexico City, your cardinal archbishop sure is a regressive dick. I suspect he's pissy not because it's really "aberrant" to be gay (less common, yes, but one person in every ten is hardly an aberration against nature!), but because it means that fewer gay men will be coming to seek refuge in that great drafty closet that is the Roman Catholic priesthood. And if the church doesn't want to recognize their unions, fine--I'm sure the civil authorities will gladly pick up the slack, as they do here in Canada. Where the sky hasn't fallen, and rates of pedophilia haven't risen, since our own supreme court made equal marriage legal in all ten provinces and three territories, five years ago.

20. Terry Fucking Nichols. Spoiled widdle princess wants what? A hot-pink sparkle-pony with a purple tinsel mane and tail? Sorry, pwincess, no can do. You're gonna have to make do with the same prison chow as all the rest of your fellow inmates--most of whom are not in there for "Christian" terrorism like you.

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21. Ben Fucking Quayle. The son of the second-worst VP in US history thinks His Barackness is the Worst President Ever? Damn, he's even dumber than his old man, and that's really saying something. Remember that ol' Murphy Brown kerfuffle? This is about on a par with that for idiocy, only Murphy was fictional and this shit is real. Dan can't spell potato, and Ben can't recall who left the mess for Obama to clean up. And some people actually think this dink's throw-away opinion is worth printing. That's what being the stupid scion of unearned privilege does for you, kiddies.

22. Chuck Fucking Colson. Excuse me, but shouldn't you still be in prison, incommunicado? Why does anyone place any worth at all on what a Watergate felon has to say, still, after all this time--much less about a community centre that is not even within sight of Ground Zero? Oh. I get it...you're desperate to maintain some loose semblance of relevance after all this time in obscurity, no decent workplace will hire you, and besides, there's a whole bandwagon-o-stoopid passing by your window, and you've just got to jump on. Makes sense!

23. Lawrence Fucking Cannon. No, of course sanctions against all of Iran won't hurt its people, nor will they strengthen its nasty-wasty government. Perish the thought! Cheap political points are worth scoring at any cost, right?

24. Marg Fucking Baker. The age of concentration camps is once again upon us, thanks to this particularly stinky old teabag from Florida. If these people are trying to convince us they're not Nazis, they're doing a damn poor job of it. (And if prostitution is a problem, Marg, try not letting Glenn Beck pimp you out.)

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25. Aryn Fucking Baker. Who stands to profit off the TIME reporter's sensationalistic (and blatantly false) interpretation of female abuse in Afghanistan? Her own damn husband, that's who. Meanwhile, be it known that "What Happens When We Leave Afghanistan" happened while "we" were IN Afghanistan, it happened the whole time unabated, and it's not going to matter a pin whether "we" leave or when. It is happening, and this bears repeating, BECAUSE "we" were in Afghanistan, starting with the CIA financing and training of those cuddly Talibs-in-waiting, the "Arab-Afghan" mujahideen. Remember them? I do, but TIME's editors and reporters apparently don't. And they don't want YOU to, either. Because if you did, you'd want that war to end, and with it would go the profits that certain people stand to make a heap of.

26. Laura Fucking Schlessinger. Now we know--she is a bigot through and through. A RACIST bigot. When she tells a black caller that some clearly racist comments aren't, that's just really fucking asinine. And then she gets bullying in defence of what is clear and obvious racism on her own part. The use of the n-word isn't the real problem here, it's what follows: "Don't NAACP me"--what a hectoring bitch. Oh, and "Don't marry out of your race" isn't RACIST? "Nice try...actually, SUCKY try"--yeah, that was a sucky try on your part, for sure, "Doctor" who-is-not-one. "Hypersensitivity...is being bred by black activists", uh-huh. Actually, it's being confirmed, however inadvertently, by conservatives on the radio, preaching hardcore stupidity to a primarily white, out-of-touch audience. I'm surprised a black woman was unwary enough to bother seeking advice from this one (who is NOT qualified to give it, the most important qualification being CARING, which she lacks); most of the ones I've known are a helluva lot smarter. PS: Your "philosophical" non-apology "apology" doesn't wash, either.

27. Rob Fucking Ford. Srsly, this man should NOT be the next mayor of Toronto. He is not mentally stable. I can just see him going postal.

28. Sharron Fucking Angle. Crazybitch must really not want to get her crazybitch ass elected, because only an unelectable crazy-ass bitch would approvingly cite a miserable totalitarian failure like Augusto Pinochet as making the case for privatizing Social Security. (Item: Social Security--UNPRIVATIZED--has saved at least 20 million US citizens from poverty. Why does Sharron Fucking Angle hate US citizens?)

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29. Robert Fucking Gibbs. If there really is such a thing as a "professional left", I wanna know where to go sign up and collect my paycheque. I'm tired of doing it for free. PS: I love you, Alan Grayson.

30. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Evolution just called, Pat...sez your time on this planet is up. Man was just not meant to walk with the dinosaurs, and that's all there is to it.

31. Erick Fucking Erickson. I still can't believe the Chicken Noodle Network lets this idiotic hack wet his bed on their dime. Where was his fear of satanism before the "Islamofascists" came to New York to build a community centre, I wonder? Oh, and Erick: I am a Witch, and I am fully prepared to hex thee. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Boogaboogabooga!

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And that's it for this week. I'm off to make myself a cup of stomach-soothing tea and guzzle some Angostura for my beleaguered intestines. If any of you traditional trolls feel like outing yourself here this week, as you've done for the last three, you know the drill. Let me just say to you, in advance of your shenanigans:

Good night, and get fucked!

August 7, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Oppressed overclass edition

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Cartoon excerpt by Ruben Bolling; see the rest of it here.

Oh, those poor privileged people, nothing's going their way this week. The Cordoba Islamic community centre was okayed for construction by New York City Hall, AND PropH8 was overturned in California, and Elena Kagan has been confirmed in spite of all right-wing slurs and sliming--meaning that their panic buttons aren't going to get any rest. Neither are certain parts of their anatomy; the more the privileged feel righteously oppressed by the uppity underdogs, the more compulsively they masturbate to alleviate the panic. And the more I feel compelled to mock them for it. So, bearing that in mind, here are this week's winning, wanking, overwhelmingly white overclass winners, pronounced wieners (or, alternatively, whiners):

1. Conrad Fucking Black. Yeah, tell us something we didn't know about the US penal system--we already know it's racist, it targets predominantly the poor and jobless, yadda yadda yadda. WE KNOW ALL THAT. What I wanna know is, have YOU learned anything? Or are you still the same greedy, verbose, self-important fuck you always were? Oh wait, lemme guess...

Barbara was in Toronto and it was our 18th wedding anniversary. She couldn't make her reservation on Air Canada because she could see on television the driver she had arranged to pick me up marooned outside the gates of the prison complex. He had no authorization to prove he was ordered for me and not simply a ruse of the press. Faxes flew back and forth delaying her departure.

Finally, the only way to get to Palm Beach that night, just before midnight, which she was able to do, was to charter from a well-wisher at a knock-down rate, (basically the cost of aviation fuel), a very tired and sluggish medevac plane without a washroom.

Oh noes, it's not a LearJet! They probably didn't serve champagne, either. Horrors! How did poor Babs survive the ordeal?

I was delighted to be back in my home, which the prosecutors had tried to seize for years. For the first time since I was last there, I enjoyed pristine quiet, free of loudspeakers, screamed argument, and the snoring of a hundred men. I had a glass of wine, and waited for Barbara, to celebrate the happiest of all wedding anniversaries.

Nope. You haven't really learned anything. No contrition, no admission, just "poor me, victimized by the system", with never a thought to all the people Hollinger Inc. has done out of a decent living over the years. It's still all about YOU, isn't it?

2. Lady Fucking Gaga. Or Stefani Fucking Germanotta, take your pick. You want a "dumb fucking pop star", baby? You're it. You just couldn't forgo the proceeds of a single concert, not even in the name of social justice. You couldn't waste an opportunity to make money, but you COULD waste the opportunity to make a point (the one you thought you were making won't wash--a state whose profit is made on the backs of undocumented workers DESERVES to suffer economically for punishing them. And as several of Pam's commenters point out, the Montgomery Bus Boycott, started by Rosa Parks, took over a year to do ITS work, too.) Bet we'll be seeing you in Israel next, talking about how "dumb fucking pop stars" won't make a difference in the Gaza blockade, either. After all, there are shekels in it for ya.

3. Abe Fucking Foxman. So wrong on so many levels! No one is entitled to be a bigot. And the survivors of holocausts are the ones upon whom it is most incumbent to show the rest of the world that there is a better way. The ADL missed its calling there, although considering its real history, it's hardly surprising that they did so. Hedy Epstein should kick Abe's patookus, but you see, she's more evolved than that. She prefers to show the better way...by LIVING it.

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4. John Fucking Boehner. "All I need to do is listen to the American people..." Which he hasn't been doing either, or his party wouldn't have filibustered those people out of jobs. You can start anytime, Cheeto Man.

5. Fucking BP. Bad enough that they're trying to buy their way out of further liability claims; worse that they're carpet-bombing the Gulf of Mexico with toxic shit to make it look like nothing really happened. Fishermen are committing suicide, businesses are shutting due to bankruptcy, and all they care about is protecting their bottom line--and their image. Fuck them, fuck them all to hell.

6. and 7. Fucking Target and Best Buy. How the hell could they support a homophobic asswipe like Tom Fucking Emmer? They claim it's "economic issues". Well, I guess they don't care for the big gay dollar; that's an economic issue too, isn't it? As is the fact that Emmer already got doused with pennies when he claimed that there are waiters taking home $100,000 a year in tips, and therefore they don't deserve to make a basic living wage. In fact, restaurant employers and customers both have a nasty habit of stiffing their servers whenever and wherever they think they can get away with it. That's a serious economic issue, and an insult to working people everywhere.

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8. Fucking Microsoft. And they wonder why people hate them so much? Well, if they're trying to reduce us to mere potential customers for advertising, and our privacy means so little to them, what response were they expecting, exactly?

9. Tom Fucking Shales. Christiane Amanpour is not a terrorist sympathizer, she's a competent TV reporter who is, unlike so many others, not in the habit of unfairly slanting her stories. The same cannot be said for this creep, who seems strangely obsessed with her--either because she is female, or because she has an "exotic" middle-eastern name, or both.

10. Tamara Fucking Scott. Um, how exactly does same-sex marriage contribute to the problem of "fractured" (I guess that's the right's new word for "broken") families? It doesn't. The problem is not Teh Ghey, lady, it's the D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Somehow, though, I don't hear anyone campaigning against that. Or against the right-wing economic policies that are killing so many otherwise good marriages, either.

11. Ali Fucking Khamenei. Just because you don't like music, doesn't mean God feels the same way. When did illogical fanaticism become a desirable trait in Iranian religious leaders, anyway? Even the former Cat Stevens, who once famously asked fans to burn his old records, has found out how to reconcile his Muslim beliefs with his musical gifts.

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12. Tony Fucking Clement. Fiscal responsibility? What's that? First it was the $2 billion spent on stormtroopers security for the G-20 summit, now it's $30 million earmarked for publicity...for a change to the census that nobody wants. And we won't even get started on those totally unnecessary fighter jets.

13. Liz Fucking Cheney. Yay, another wingtard wench who thinks an Islamic community centre two blocks from Ground Zero is a stab to the heart. Poor oppressed nutters who don't have to live in the vicinity, yet still feel compelled to opine on what doesn't faze the locals in the least!

14. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Yeah, you sure did a great job of defending non-partisan journalism from the right-wing nutjobs who thought of it as "fundamentally corrupt". The entire time you were doing it, you did it from a right-wing nutjob POV. So much easier to do it from the deck of a cruise ship while being wooed by the Paliness, too!

15. Sharron Fucking Angle. The press doesn't want to be your friend. Neither, I hope, do voters. PS: Oh, holy shite!

16. All the fucking racists, nativists and xenophobes mentioned here. Wankers one and all.

17. Glenn Fucking Beck. Why?

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THAT's why. For anyone who still thinks he's anti-racist and anti-Nazi, wake the fuck up, he's neither. He is a racist AND a Nazi for promoting this white-supremacist site (complete with obvious neo-Nazi-style logo, even.)

18. John the Fucking Bigamist. There really are no words, so I'll say no more.

19. Michaele Fucking Salahi. Oh noes, someone touched her! Oh noes, it's Whoopi Goldberg! Oh noes, she's BLACK!!! Help, help, racist assault!!!!

20. Fucking Maclean's. On behalf of all feminists, fuck you. And your "trashy daughters" issue, too. Ever think that it's not feminist moms who are to blame for girls turning out trashy, but the trash-promoting media (i.e. YOU)?

21. Fucking Coke. Srsly--you market something as healthy, then claim it's not, and that you're not deceiving anyone? Well, at least no one's fooled that you people are evil. That much we can see straight up.

22. Dan Fucking Maes. All I can say is take it away, Dave:

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Yep, even with that LOL of a surname, I'd say that the current mayor of Denver, Colorado is a shoo-in for that gubernatorial seat. With such a fuckheaded opposition, how could he lose?

23. Rick Fucking Scott. Don't look now, but there's a horde of angry snowbirds right behind you, asshole.

24. Kevin Fucking Pezzi. Call me funny, but I don't believe he's a real doctor, much less a sexpert and an inventor. Any med school that would admit such a charlatan, much less graduate him, is not credible; neither is any board that would grant him a licence. (And I bet his penis is still laughably small, too.) But isn't it nice to see that Spitefart's resident hatemonger and pretend stud of the pretend ER is such a master-race titty man?

25. Brian Fucking Lilley. Front-running candidate for Worst Excuse for a Journalist in Canada. Not only is the linked story unbelievable in and of itself (Muslim women in veils NOT getting harassed by security? How fucking stupid do you think we are?), it cites a conveniently anonymous US military man who, oh so conveniently, just happens to be fluent in Arabic and just happened to overhear the supposed women supposedly laughing at the supposed security guard who was supposedly too timid to hassle them. And if you believe that all really happened, I've got some lovely oceanfront property in Saskatoon.

26. Chuck Fucking Grassley. I'm sorry, I just gotta do this. Everybody sing: Chuck Chuck Bo Buck, Banana Fanna Fo Fuck, Chuck is a porn schmuck...Chu-huck!

27. Whoever the fuck wrote this goddamn disgusting editorial in the New York Post. Perpetuating the myth that Hiroshima and Nagasaki ended the war, just like that? Bullshit. Japan should apologize before the US acknowledges what ghastly things it did there? Also bullshit. Barack Obama and Ban Ki-Moon are bigger men than this one, and now we see how much bigger they really are. I guess it's a good thing for the scribbler that editorials go unsigned as a matter of tradition, but this is one tradition that is open to abuse by virtue that very anonymity. And this is a fine example of such abuses. Shame on you, you bloodthirsty, hateful little shit.

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28. Sarah Fucking Palin. You can tell a lot about someone's character just by the following they attract. In the Paliness's case, it seems, the antipathy she holds for journalists has its wee small echo in that her fans just can't take any criticism for their stupidities at all.

29. Goldman Fucking Sachs. Did you know they dealt in high-priced diploma mills? Neither did I. But now we do, thanks to one luckless woman reduced to pole-dancing for a living. Economic ruin laid bare, literally.

30. Tim Fucking Pawlenty. There's paw-lenty wrong with him (ha--I always wanted to say that!), but let's just go with this week's foray into Hardcore Stupidhood. An Islamic centre two blocks away from Ground Zero "disrespects" the victims of 9-11? Oh, sure, Tim, that'll wash...I mean, it's not like any Muslims who worked in the Twin Towers were killed that day.

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31. Ann Fucking Coulter. How it's possible to be conservative and gay is a mystery to me. How it's possible to be all that and give a free pass to a horrible harridan who uses the word "faggot" as an insult (and not ironically, either) is an even bigger mystery. Perhaps her Adam's apple holds the answer to that one. Shall we ask it?

32. Cathal Fucking Kelly. Wow, of all the things to reduce an entire, proud little Latin American country to, "plane-crash-related cannibalism" has got to be the lowest common denominator. I'm ashamed to say I graduated the same j-school and in the same year as this doofus, but I'm glad he wasn't in any of my classes. Uruguay just happens to be a two-time World Cup winner--why did he not mention THAT? Shit, I'm not even a sports fan, and I knew it because I just happen to be into all things Latin America! Do your homework next time, dumbass. PS: Those Uruguayan plane crash victims/survivors? They were a RUGBY team, not a SOCCER team. And many of them attributed their solidarity, the real factor in their survival, to that sport. It's far less conducive to prima donnas than soccer, and far more demanding of group effort. Somebody owes those brave survivors, and their country (which is also a brave survivor--of military coups, false democracy and imperialism) an abject apology for this silly, facile heap of mierda.

33. Juan Manuel Fucking Santos. How big a dickweed is the new president-elect of Colombia? Big enough not to invite Evo to his inauguration, AND to launch spurious complaints against Venezuela in The Hague. Yep, he's off to a roaring start already--offending other regional leaders before even taking office! PS: Way to co-opt the indigenous, dickweed.

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"I don't believe in Santos" (pun on the Spanish for "saints").

34. Fucking Shakira. Unconditional support for Juan Manuel Santos, fascist war criminal turned president-elect? The world is "looking at Colombia with hope and optimism"? Uh, NO. Actually, the world is doing a facepalm and declaring you irrelevant. Shut up and sing...oh wait, on second thought, don't. We've heard more than enough of THAT, too.

35. The Fucking Taliban. Last week it was TIME magazine, making cheap political points on a grotesque photo of a mutilated Afghan woman; this week, it's them. Both parties are full of shit and need to STFU in the worst way.

36. Tony Fucking Venuti. Blacks "benefitted" from, and were "co-conspirators of this abomination called Slavery"? Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Bet it pulled a lot of non-white comers to the Tea Party, too.

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37. Larry Fucking Palmer. Some diplomat--even before he gets confirmed as US ambassador to Venezuela, already the interference and unwanted, unfounded opinions start flowing. Sadly, he'll probably pass his senate confirmation hearings with no problem. Only in Washington could this kind of behavior be considered a qualification for a diplomatic posting.

And finally, to the two short-bus riders who made pit stops here this past week, "Pellanor" and "Sumana". I've already said all I have to say to them, except this one last thing:

Good night, and get fucked!

July 31, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Hunter S. Thompson tribute edition

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Happy Saturday night! Welcome to a special tribute edition of Wankers of the Week. This week, we pay tribute to an intelligent whackjob who said a number of interesting and quotable things. If only all the world's whackjobs could be so worthwhile and entertaining. Alas, it's up to me to MAKE them so, so here we go, with a little help from my friends, and occasional interjections from our late lamented honoree...

1. Tony Fucking Clement. No, he's not REALLY a hero, as he did NOT pluck a woman out of a raging current. He stupidly jumped in fully clothed after her before she, wisely, decided to back-float until her real rescuers--Clement's wife and father-in-law--threw her a lifejacket and hauled her in with a rope. Tony's a wanker for trying to take the credit here.

2. James Fucking Jones. I've already listed Adrian Fucking Lamo, now see if you can spot the wank here in the last paragraph:

Meanwhile, military leaders far higher up the chain of command are contending with the fallout from Sunday's massive document dump. National Security Adviser Gen. James Jones released a statement reaffirming the White House's determination to stay the course in Afghanistan and Pakistan: "The United States strongly condemns the disclosure of classified information by individuals and organizations which could put the lives of Americans and our partners at risk, and threaten our national security. WikiLeaks made no effort to contact us about these documents -- the United States government learned from news organizations that these documents would be posted. These irresponsible leaks will not impact our ongoing commitment to deepen our partnerships with Afghanistan and Pakistan; to defeat our common enemies; and to support the aspirations of the Afghan and Pakistani people."

Seen it yet?

Actually, there are several wanks embedded here: "Could put the lives...at risk"--like going to war in a place they have no business being hasn't done so already? Please. How can they be any more at risk than they are already? "Could threaten our national security"--US generals have a nasty ingrained habit of saying that about everything. They said it, I'm sure, when the Bonus Army marched on Washington to claim their unpaid bonuses for fighting World War I. "Wikileaks made no effort to contact us about these documents"--as though it were Julian Assange & Co.'s job to say "Mother, may I?" Why do you think they call themselves Wikileaks? (Strangely absent from this "national security" discourse: Any criticism of Assange and friends for "leaking" the supposed contents of Raúl Reyes' "magic laptop", which mysteriously survived a Colombian army bombing in the jungles of Ecuador. Colombia had help from Washington, remember.) And the crowning wank of all, which I'm sure must have made him jizz in his pants: "These irresponsible leaks will not impact our ongoing commitment..." ...to keep fighting a war that they had no business even starting. That was the whole point of the leak, as Bradley Manning himself has said--to compel an end to this stupid war. Only a pluperfect wanker would be committed to continuing what should never have been started in the first place.

And actually, as you may have guessed, the general's wank is wankier than you think.

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3. Ron Fucking Ramsey. Sez Islam is "a cult". What church doe HE attend, again? Guaranfuckingtee you it comes up "cult" on the Bonewits Cult Danger Evaluation Frame.

4. Zachary Fucking Chesser. Well, at least now we know whom to blame for that Draw Mohammed Day bullshit and other meaningless exercises in pretend free speech. Thanks a lot, asshole.

5. Vera Fucking Kobalia. A privileged oligarch getting unearned privileges (that is, MORE of them than she already enjoyed) from a tie-eating wanker (also of unearned privilege) from Tblisi--after meeting him at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver? Color me so shocked. And pissed off, too, that this spoiled foreign bimbo gets to spend her "college" years dancing on tables in nightclubs, with buckets of champagne at her feet, while so many of us common plebes, myself included, did NOT party our educations away in designer dresses but kept our noses to the grindstone, and all for nothing.This is the "democracy" the media told us to clap for? Rose Revolution, my ASS.

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6. Marcel Fucking Avraham. Brings big acts to Israel out of "a sense of Zionism". And an eye toward the shekels, perchance? Oh, perish the thought! No, srsly, he's a brown-noser! Really!

7. Kenneth Fucking Klassen, AGAIN. Yeah, those underage, prostituted girls were really "willing". When you're starving and there's a pimp twisting your arm and you're too small and young to fight back, that's willingness, innit?

8. Ian Fucking Mulgrew. Most. Ignorant. Fucking. Wingnut. Columnist. EVER. Yeah, corporations collecting and selling our personal data is a GREAT idea. Shoot, who needs an impartial agency like StatsCan collating anonymous data on the populace at large and making it available to researchers who actually serve the public good, when you can have people trying to sell you crap you neither want nor need, based solely on your "demographic"--and whatever hackers can glean off of FACEBOOK? I mean shit, what's a public good, anyway? Privatize the fuck out of everything--why should the Third World have all the fun?

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9. Christopher Fucking Stone. The fact that this obvious douchebag made it as far as USC law school is absurd enough, but he claims he did it on the basis of his obviously hinky (and I suspect, owing to their rapey content, highly illegal) porn sites. Doesn't say much for USC if it's true. And if he does manage to make it as far as the bar exam, let alone passing it, all those jokes about sharks not biting lawyers out of professional courtesy might find a whole new basis in fact.

10. Ann Fucking Coulter. Her smile is starting to look a little photoshopped; they had to get rid of that rabies-froth around her mouth somehow. Now, if only they would do the humane thing and take her to the vet to be put to sleep. Obviously the poor bitch is in misery, because nothing she says is making even a subatomic particle of sense anymore. Did no one at Subhuman Events Onwhine get the message that rabies is a disease of the central nervous system, and that it is incurable and fatal? Clearly none of those jackanapes have had THEIR shots, either. Put 'em all down, I say.

11. Baruch Fucking Marzel. Going too far? Yeah, I should say so. Telling others whom to marry (or not) is creepy enough (and what does it concern HIM, anyway?), but calling for the murder of Israeli peace leader Uri Avnery is just plain criminal. Why is this man not behind bars yet?

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12. Phylis Fucking Schlafly. Why has this dinosaur not gone extinct yet? Has she, like the Coultergeist, discovered the secret to surviving with a bad case of rabies-induced brain rot? Or she just an embalmed corpse with an embedded tape recorder, playing tinny recorded messages to the world? Either way, this one's past her expiry date too.

13. Mike Fucking Duffy. A conflict of interests? Say it ain't so. The question is, when will Puffy's family loyalty (never to mention good sense, because he frankly hasn't got any) finally overcome his creepy attachment to partisan ideology? Because in the case of the Incompetent RCMP Commissioner, something's gotta give in the end...

14. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yeah, he's going straight to hell. Love of money really IS the root of all evil. And if you wonder how he managed to rake so much of it in when his advertisers are dropping him all over the place, wonder no more. His biggest one is the one he's still relentlessly shilling for by talking up Goldline--and a lot of revisionist history. I just pity the fools who fell for this barely-legal scam.

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15. Robert Fucking Pickton. The only new trial he's going to get is for any additional victims the police may uncover. In any event, I doubt he will ever be found innocent. A guy who is best known for feeding chopped-up women to pigs is just not gonna stand a snowball's chance. Funny dat.

16. Terry Fucking Jones. Anyone who says "Islam is of the Devil" (and has written a book by that title!) is not credible when he claims to have "nothing against Muslims". Dude, you're advocating the burning of their holy books. If that's not something against them, what is? Can you not just smell the brimstone of your own hypocrisy? Well, maybe I should get together a group of my pagan friends and come burn down your church, then tell you it's nothing against you, we just think your religion is of the devil. Would you like that?

17. Leah Fucking Durant. What the hell is a black progressive woman doing in bed with white supremacists? Oh, I see--it's called "immigration reform". Immigration deformation is more like it. How can she have failed to do her homework on these co-opting weasels? Suddenly, I see where that saying about what the road to hell is paved with came from.

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18. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Yeah, I'll just bet that was hard for you, asshole. Hard to take time out from drinking to make racist shit up and smear an innocent, hard-working government employee who saved a white man's farm whether he was initially polite to her or not. You want to speak to Shirley Sherrod in private? Fine. You can do so after apologizing in public. PROFUSELY. And quitting your hackwork and getting an HONEST job for a change. Can you do that?

19. Edward Fucking Davenport. With a moat full of cognac so big "you could row across it", you could get drunk as a lord, all right. Too bad the neighbors don't care for this professional "lord" brown-noser and the noise his star-studded parties generate.

20. Rob Fucking Anders. That's right, point the finger at China and ignore the real elephants in Canada's living room: Israel, and the US.

21. Brian Fucking Sandoval. Why does this word "apátrido" keep worming its way into my head, and whatever could it mean? And these other two words, too: "racist" and "hypocrite".

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22. John Fucking Solomon. Yeah, I can see why he writes for the Washington Moonie Times. With mad obscurantist skillz like those, I'm surprised he's not writing BP's press releases for them!

23. Mike Fucking Mullen. Oh yeah, the Taliban are all scouring Wikileaks for current information on people to kill. As if their own eyes and ears in the field weren't quite up to the job. Who believes this hokum, seriously? If you really care about soldiers dying in Afghanistan, the solution is simple and doesn't involve censorship; it involves ENDING THE DAMN WAR.

24. Richard Fucking Stengel. Talk about defending the indefensible: A grossly exploitive picture of an Afghan woman with only half her nose is being touted as "what happens when we leave Afghanistan". And TIME's managing editor seems to sincerely believe that is the case. Only problem is, it happened while "we" were IN Afghanistan. And it undoubtedly happened BECAUSE "we" were in Afghanistan. Remember, the Taliban are the mutant form of the mujahideen promoted by Reagan (and financed and trained by the CIA) in the 1980s to get the "godless communist" Russians out of Afghanistan. How do you like your Vietnam now, USA?

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25. Raymond Fucking Learsy. Actually, that oil cutoff Chavecito is "threatening" won't happen, IF the US stops interfering politically in Venezuela and starts doing business honestly with him for a change. Therefore, that's not "foolish" on his part, it's damn smart of him to serve his would-be overlords due notice. What's foolish is expecting him to go on tolerating the State Dept.'s nonsense indefinitely, or hoping that the opposition (a bunch of spoiled, corrupt, charmless assclowns with not one whole working brain divided among them) will somehow prove capable of winning against him democratically, or succeeding in a coup. So far they've done nothing of the sort. Nor will they ever, as long as he's around--and even if he's NOT around, they still won't succeed at anything other than toadying to foreign empires. Which is exactly what the grand majority of the Venezuelan people DO NOT WANT. Who's the fool? Learsy, and whoever's paying him to write crapaganda defaming an elected and justly popular leader. Hey Learsy, remember the winter of 2002-3? Obviously you don't, but Venezuelans do. That's when the oil industry was paralyzed by the corruptos toadying to the US within it. Venezuelans didn't exactly eat rocks then, but they did tighten their belts and bunker down. Who caved? The merchant class, not the common folk. Meanwhile, the crooks who locked the rank-and-file oil workers out of their jobs were dismissed for dereliction of duty, and retired managers stepped in to take their place and get the oil flowing again. The best weapon the US had against Venezuela--its stranglehold on the oil industry--FAILED! What makes you think it's gonna be any different if Chavecito decides to stop selling to you because you keep trying to kill him? He's got other economic heavyweight customers lined up and deals already signed--with India, China, Japan, etc. It's not as if he'll miss your greenbacks all THAT much. You think the US is the only game in town? The more fool you. So you can stop threatening him with economic ruin; Chavecito knows you ain't all that. (And so do the many commenters taking you to task below your stupid hit-piece, happily.)

26. Werner Fucking Patels. Wow, who knew that an empty barrel could make so much goddamned noise? (Check out the banner at the top of his page if you don't believe me. Self-important much?)

27. and 28. Lucy Fucking Viner-Mood and Lois Fucking Gibson. Shouldn't you be torturing the guy who had sex with your friend, not your friend for having sex with him? With friends like you, the women of the world sure don't need any more enemies.

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29. The Fucking ADL. They started out with a decent-enough purpose--protecting Jews from the bigotry of others. Now they're apparently nothing more than a crapaganda organ, churning out the same old hateful music as the Palinesque fundies of the Religious Reich, only minus the Christ. If they were truly against defamation, wouldn't they refrain from doing it themselves? It's worth noting that the Jewish Community Centre of New York, the United Jewish Federation, Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Jewish himself, obviously) and 250 9-11 victims' families all support the so-called "Ground Zero Mosque" that the ADL is at such pains to call "painful to some".

30. Oh yeah, and lest we forget Sarah Fucking Palin--fascism has come not only carrying the cross and wrapped in the flag, but all blinged out in it. Literally.

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And finally, on a personal note, to "Jamie", who chose last week's wankapedia to out himself as what he is: Nice job, dude. Saved me the icky slimy work of having to winkle you out. Would that all wingnuts were so co-operative.

Good night, and get fucked!

July 24, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Hotter than Hades edition

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Y'okay. July's got one week left. And when it goes, the stinkingly unpleasant humid scorchers should soon also abate here in Southern Ontario. Truth be told, this past week hasn't been nearly as bad as the two before it. But Teh Stoopid still burns hotter than napalm, and to prove it, here are some of those who haz it:

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. Finally, we know the secret reason behind her appeal to white-trash Amurrica. It's not her Miss Wasilla title; it's not her hair extensions; it's not her lipstick; it's not her boobs, or her gams, or anything else that's MILFy about her. It's the fact that she is even dumber than fucking Dubya, if that's possible.

There is no reason why peace-loving Muslims should object to a mosque anywhere near Ground Zero, since it wasn't peace-loving Muslims that brought the Twin Towers down. Need I remind you that it was violence-loving phonies with the backing of the CIA, the Pakistani ISI, and a paymaster who happened to be a Pakistani general named Mahmood Ahmed? None of them are peace-lovers, and any responsible imam would have trouble characterizing any of them as Muslims. Therefore, the idea that a peaceful house of worship should be a "stab" to the values of anyone is frankly ludicrous, and the location of said place (which is not even within sight of the disaster area) has no bearing on anything. If anything, the presence of a mosque nearby should offer evidence of tolerance, and be a comfort to those Muslims who lost family in the WTC on 9-11. It is not a stab to the heart, but a balm for heartache to those people, and should be regarded as such by non-Muslims as well.

BTW, this wasn't just a random slip of the tweeter. Here's some video, showing our poor misunderestimated Paliness mouthing the selfsame stupidities on Fux Snooze--the very channel that crowned King George the Dubya when in fact Al Gore had won Florida. The "reporter" who broke that "news" was Dubya's own cousin. Coincidence? I think not.

PS: This isn't helping, either.

PPS: Aw, fuck.

2. Rob Fucking Ford, again. What'd he do this week? Well, how about a bald-faced lie about the Mayor of Toronto, whose seat he's salivating to squat in come next municipal election:

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(Tweetage courtesy of Jonathan Goldsbie. Follow him if you want to know what's really going on in TO, and not just its City Hall, either.)

Is this a responsible use of taxpayers' money, Rob? Shit, even if you did it on your own dime, it's just plain reprehensible. (PS: Bwahahahaha.)

3. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. He may tack the word "illegal" on there, but really he just means Africans. Yeah, tell me Israel is not an apartheid state. Someone please tell him about the Falashas again, he seems to have forgotten that historic chapter.

4. Ezra Fucking Levant. Why?

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That's why.

Ezra the Putz spends an awful lot of time screaming about antisemitism, while hating on those other Semites, the Arabs. I guess Mel's not being a Muslim gets him a free Ezra putz pass, somehow. And if Mel's next tirade happens to be against brown people who bow down to Allah five times a day, we'll know for sure.

5. Douglas Fucking Spink. Bestiality is NOT a sexual orientation, it is animal abuse, and it is CRUEL. There just aren't enough circles in Hades to accommodate the likes of THIS one.

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6. Jason Fucking Ready. There's a reason why I don't believe the so-called "Minutemen" who are trying to usurp the US Border Patrol's job when they claim they're not really racist/fascist/Nazis. Can anyone tell me what the fuck it is? Three guesses.

7. Maxime Fucking Bernier. As I understand it, the long-form census questionnaire is only given to some Canadian households (one in five, to be precise), and no one holds a gun to their head forcing them to fill the entire darn thing out (although most do, simply out of a well-developed sense of civic responsibility, or, if they're like me, because they like to be in some small way useful to science and/or StatsCan). But you'd never know it to hear Maxime "Biker Babe Bonker" Bernier tell it. To him, it's some kind of partisan Liberal thing that "obligates" people to answer "intrusive" check-a-box questions about their ethnicity, religion, etc. Someone please inform him that the long-form questionnaire was in place even when Liberals did NOT form our federal government, and that it's not Liberals' (or anyone else's) fault if the Tories find statistics inconvenient and contradictory to their hard-right aganda. And BTW, if there's anyone who can't be trusted with people's personal info, it's Maxime Bernier--a man well known for losing sensitive classified documents in all sorts of embarrassing ways.

8. Glenn Fucking Beck. He thinks he's gonna go blind? I think he's been there for quite some time. Certainly hasn't been using his eyes. Well, that's what happens when you can't stop pulling your pud. (And he's been a wanker for so long now that I'm sure his palms are permanently hairy, to boot.)

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9. Christie Fucking Blatchford. Yes, this deals with some wankage of hers that came out a couple of weeks ago. But what can we say? La Blatch is the wank that keeps on wanking. Plus, if you click on the link, you'll see her crotchety old ass get kicked with sheer impeccable logic that's just downright beautiful.

10. and 11. Byron Fucking Williams and Janice Fucking Williams. Isn't it awesome to see how fascist gun nuttery and general wankitude can be passed down from mother to son, like a disease gene or something? When yer mama packs guns and bitches about the left and talks "revolution" (meaning a very minor revolt, nada más), it's virtually inevitable that you will do the same...and then go commit a felony of unspecified nature (probably also gun-related, unless I miss my guess)...and become unemployable as a result...and then go ballistic, quite literally.

12. Rick the Fucking Speedo Freak from Hedonism II. I don't know his surname, and maybe it's just as well. I will never forget those rolls around his midsection. I can haz eyebleach?

13. Conrad Fucking Black. Yes, Lord Blah-Blah has been sprung. Guess he finally found a judge he could buy. Looks like the lousy prison chow at Club Fed hasn't made a dent in his waistline, either.

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14. Brian Fucking Brown. Martyr: not. Wimp: MUCH.

15. Alan Fucking Downing. Seems evangelical Christians aren't the only ones who have not-so-ex-gay counsellors. Or problems with that banging closet door.

16. Brent Fucking Bozell. Yeah, the media DO need to cover the Shirley Sherrod story...in order to set straight what you and Andrew Fucking Breitbart deliberately fucked up, you worthless, RACIST sons of whores.

17. Erick Fucking Erickson. Why?

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Yeah, that's EXACTLY what it looks like, because that's exactly what it IS. But hey, the fucking racist wanker at least got his wish--there is MUCH more to the Shirley Sherrod story!

18. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Whenever I think this skanky shit-weasel can't sink any lower, he goddamn fucking DOES. Just look at all the non-stories replete with racist dog-whistles that he's touted as "exclusives" and "scoops" and "ignored by the media" lately. Then ask yourself what it all means, if you haven't fucking guessed already. I hope his pickled liver gives out on him, and soon...and that there's no donor available, black or white, to save his sagging ass. Yes, he is just THAT vile. PS: What'd I tell you, he really did NOT have $100,000 to give out as a "reward" for the correspondence of Dave Weigel, either. Of course, rescinding an offer you never meant to make good on is very convenient, isn't it, Spitefart?

19. Paul Fucking Babeu. Never mind who feels "offended" that you were on an overtly racist white-supremacist trash talk show. You're a public official. You have NO BUSINESS being on such shows in the first place, and if you can't properly sniff them out in advance, you have no business calling yourself a cop, either. The profession demands better investigative skills than that. Don't just apologize "to those I might have offended", which isn't a real apology anyway--just fucking RESIGN!

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20. Tom Fucking Vilsack. Another worse than useless dick who needs to resign. Caving to the right is for cowards and corporatists. Vilsack is both.

21. John Fucking Hinderaker. The bullshit at the link really makes me wonder why TIME magazine picked Powerwhine for its top blog of 2004. I am forced to conclude that they are all racists, fascists, dumbasses and dickweeds. Seem fair to you?

22. Ben Fucking Stein. Okay, folks, try not to laugh at the pot calling the kettle "unpleasant". I mean, this guy was once Tricky Dick's speechwriter. Can Ben help it if his personality is lacking in lustre, and if he thinks jobs grow on trees? He's never had an honest one either.

23. Edwin A. Fucking Graning. Word to the not-so-wise: You weren't fired for your religious beliefs, you were fired for FAILING TO DO YOUR JOB. And your job was driving people on a bus to wherever they want to go...even if that is an abortion clinic. If you can't do that, you have no business driving a bus. And if you want to preach, get a fucking pulpit already.

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24. Michael Fucking Reagan. See Wanker #1, and do not copy. And wipe that fucking smirk off your face, fergawdsakes!

25. Kenneth Robert Fucking Klassen. What's more reprehensible: child-sex tourism or picking on the most emaciated ones, on purpose, because they are the most defenceless girls? No, wait, I got it...making excuses for this, claiming you couldn't find a Canadian woman to fit your icky desires, and that you weren't hurting anyone by possessing child porn featuring yourself with these emaciated, underage girls. In a word: BULLFUCKINGSHIT!

26. Steve Fucking Gibson. Yeah, I'd say "trolling" describes this bottom-feeder's profession just perfectly. Of his pose in the photo (clicky da linky, kiddies, you know you wanna!) my best friend says: "It's interesting where the troll has his hands in the promo photo that is running with the article. One hand is over his crotch, and the other looks like it's clutching either his wallet or his keys in his pocket. Protecting the two things he treasures most?" That, or he's secretly indicating his two biggest sources of insecurity. Same thing, no doubt.

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27. Jason Fucking Kenney. Well, well, well. What have we here? A lawbreaker? Funny how SupposiTories always campaign on lawn-order issues, only to have it come back to bite them in the end.

28. And speaking of lawn-order SupposiTories getting bitten, get a load of Tony Fucking Clement. Nuttier than a tree full of squirrels, and his rationales just don't hold water. But then, we already knew that. Harpo likes 'em that way, because he IS that way. So, Tony, what do you and Stevie get up to on your Nixonian Friday nights, besides things that won't make the news because the journos are already off in a pub somewhere having beer and kvetching about what asswipes you all are?

29. Stockwell Fucking Day. Has anyone ever gone to jail and suffered grievous, fascistic human rights abuses in this country for NOT filling out a census form? For that matter, has anyone seen fit to be bothered about it? And what the fuck do the Geneva Conventions have to do with this internal matter? NOTHING. But LaughingStock being so stupid (like Sgt. Schultz), of course he'd try to trot out an irrelevant example, straight off of "Hogan's Heroes". SupposiTories have zero shame, and zero concept of how idiotic they look (and indeed ARE).

30. Jim Fucking Webb. His opponent lost a senate seat to him because he called a brown guy "macaca". What's Jim's excuse--being too polite to call someone a racist name? Of course, being a privileged white man has a way of blinding one to white man's privilege. But just because YOU can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. (You might get a clearer view, though, if you pulled your head out of your ass first.)

31. Fucking Queerty. So much for not having an agenda. It seems that some queers do have 'em, and this one's against immigrants and solidarity. Shameful!

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32. Sylvester Fucking Stallone. Apparently, all of Brazil takes exception to you. Brazilians are normally sweet-natured as all shucky-darn, so if you manage to piss them off to the point where they all tell you to cala boca (that's STFU, to you), that's quite the achievement there, muddafukka.

33. James Fucking Watt. How art thou a twat? Let us count the ways: Charging obscene prices for beer; making that beer stronger than most whiskies (which is just WRONG); serving it up in animal carcasses (roadkill, no less); and naming the entire disastrous concoction after Francis Fucking Fukuyama's imbecilic meditation on the glories of crapitalism. That's at least four bits of twattage right there. Five if anyone is stupid enough to buy it, and six if they're dumb enough to take a drink.

34. Patrick Fucking O'Brien. Worst fucking jury foreman EVER. Jump to inane conclusions much? Because being at a bar dancing does NOT imply consent for some jackass to pull your top down and expose your boobs to a camera for a Girls Gone Wild video. NOTHING does. If what Jane Doe was doing implies anything, it's that the girl just wanted to dance with her friends--preferably unmolested by horny toads and smut peddlers.

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And finally, to all the global-warming deniers out there. Hot enough for you to believe in it now? Don't worry, it's gonna get a lot hotter. And within your lifetime, too. That's what you get for insisting you can keep on as you've been keeping on. And no, air conditioning won't save you. It's gonna make matters worse.

Good night, and get fucked!

July 17, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Hot in the shitty edition

Okay, I apologize for that. Billy Idol will always be hot and NEVER shitty. These people? Just the other way 'round:

1. Michelle Fucking Malkin. I did not even know there WAS a "New Black Panther Party". But don't worry, folks, the Asian White Supremacist is right on them, valiantly defending us poor endangered white folks from being viciously aborted and cannibalized by evil, evil Africans! Isn't that sweet of her? (And isn't it telling how she compares this largely imaginary racist threat with the very real one that is the Teabagger Party?)

2. Glenn Fucking Beck. Take your pick as to what made him wank this week, kiddies. Was it Michelle Obama's dress sense? Was it blatant anti-semitism? Or was it all the fucking race-baiting? Any way you slice it, he's a winner (pronounced "wiener")!

3. Mike Fucking Adams. Eat shit, Mikey, THIS "godless heathen dissident" isn't giving you ANY power. And neither, I think, will all the other godless heathen dissidents you're trying to overpower with your militant McCarthyite stupidity.

4. Rona Fucking Ambrose. Let's face it, if she really cared about saving women from honor killings--or cared as much about women as she apparently does about dyeing and ironing her hair--she'd be announcing additional funding for the long-gun registry, women's shelters, and community education and awareness campaigns against domestic violence. She's done NONE of that. Instead, she's babbling nonsense about "looking at" amending the criminal code to cover crimes it already covers...assault, battery, kidnapping and murder. Only, you know, THOSE people, the brown ones with the veiled women, they need SPECIAL laws to keep their little brown butts in line with our whitey-white Canadian values. Dumb, dumb, dumb...and RACIST, too.

5. Mel Fucking Gibson, AGAIN. I'm sorry...WHO has no soul? Dude, you're the one who just had to stick his dick into her, wrecking your own long-standing marriage in the process. And I'm sure her soul was the least of your concerns at the time. (We'll not even mention her tight clothes and big fake boobs.)

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6. Steve Fucking Krakauer. The "New Black Panther Party" is a NON-story. Why should anyone other than FUX Snooze cover it? Do the media really want to go down that rabbit-hole-o-stoopid every single fucking time FUX does? That's how Dubya got proclaimed (not elected) president!

7. All the Fucking Harpocrats in Parliament. But especially Dean Fucking Del Mastro. "Lining up with the anarchists"--talk about deserving to be toppled. Yeah, just a "cheap political stunt", as opposed to the EXPENSIVE one that was the G-20 fuckery. ¡Que se vayan TODOS!

8. Richard Fucking Cohen. So nice to know that Roman Fucking Polanski is not a child-sex abuser after all. Because aren't ALL 13-year-olds just little drunken jezebels who are merely "seduced", not SODOMIZED? (I take it that he doesn't have a daughter, and that he's never actually talked to a traumatized teenager who's been raped.)

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9. Whoopi Fucking Goldberg. Much as it pains me to include her on the list this week, anyone who'd defend Mel Fucking Gibson has got it coming. I don't care what Oksana Grigorieva's "motives" for recording that ugly racist tirade were--he said it, he wasn't prompted, it was awful, he threatened her life--isn't that enough for anyone to see that the man is an indefensible fucking troll? Jayzus. I guess his having money really DOES excuse everything, for SOME people.

10. Simon Maxwell Fucking Apter. Maradona won the World Cup AFTER Argentina had reverted to democracy. Shitty historical analysis, anyone? And no, fascism does NOT make for better soccer, either...Uruguay has had its best World Cup showing since its great victory in 1950. When it was a welfare-state democracy. And it is one again now. And since when was Britain fascist? Check this page and get back to me.

11. Matt Fucking Drudge. Yeah, there's nothing like bogus accusations of a First Lady hell-bent on racial warfare to get the "base" wanking like mad. Too bad the warfare is against childhood obesity, not Whitey. Maybe if she'd mentioned that white kids get fat, too--but no, that would probably offend him even more, because everyone knows that white people are so much better than all the rest.

12. Bob Fucking Johnson (and all those other Fucking Teabaggers in Iowa.) Damn, ain't Godwin's Law a bitch when the shoe's on the wrong foot (and there's a bullet hole in both, to boot)? Look who's gonna lose an election based on that:

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Yay, Iowa Teabags! Cliff's thataway! ---> Don't stop running--go go GO!!!

13. Robin Fucking Potwora. Stoopid, meet Scary--oh. I see you've already had a child together. Never mind!

14. Sharron Fucking Angle. So she says God wants her to win? Yeah, she really says that. It's all just a part of God's great plan, along with rape and incest. What will she say when she loses? I know what I'll be saying.

15. Rob Fucking Ford. Aggressive? Manhandles people in anger? You don't say. I would never have guessed it of him!

16. Dick Fucking Morris. Still got that ho's toes in your mouth, Dick? Oh, my mistake--that's your own foot in there. Aside from the bullshit about liberals, do I detect a whiff of racism in that dig at minorities? Dick, you really need to wash your feet better before you go shoving them in that big ol' mouth of yours.

17. Adam Fucking Josephs. Remember the asshole cop who threatened to bust a G-20 protester for blowing bubbles? Guess what, his Facebook page is just as entertaining as the video. He works for the City of Toronto--"collecting human garbage". Nice, eh?

Oh, and he's now a 'toon!

How about that...you make an asshole of yourself, and the next thing you know, you're animated. Some dicks have all the luck!

18. Tom Fucking Emmer. When you try to nickel-and-dime the wait-staff out of a chance at a decent living, sometimes a penny drops...right on your head. And not from heaven, either. PS: You can also contact this wage-killing wanker here.

19. Mark Fucking Williams. Hello, WHO is a "professional race-baiter", again? And what organization did you say YOU were with? Oh yeah: "Tea Party Express Inc."--gee, sounds professional to me. And of course, we all know THEY never race-bait:

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PS: For those who think anything can be done about this profoundly not-racist movement, sign Color of Change's petition here.

PPS: No, Mark, you're not a BIT racist. Not. A. Bit!

20. Jay Fucking Bybee. Here's a thought for you, judge: If you're really concerned about your own reputation and your family's well-being, how about NOT FUCKING SANCTIONING TORTURE??? Innocent people have gone through hell because of you, their lives and reputations are more than ruined, THEIR families are in grave danger, some have died as a direct result of what you did, and you think you did a good job and now have the nerve to whine about your own well-deserved disrepute and the "attention" it's brought your family? Fuck you, judge--fuck you on a waterboard.

21. Tony Fucking Clement. We Ontarians know he's a liar--knew it from way back, when he was one of the Pathologically Lying Harrisite Parasites that made the 1990s so hellish in our fair province. Now, alas, the rest of Canada gets to find out for themselves just how badly he sucks. Sorry, folks.

22. Fucking "Springer". Since when have the Yanks bailed "our sorry Canadian asses" out of ANYTHING? Since, oh, like NEVER. Dumbass forgets that we were in both world wars when the Yanks were still sitting on their twiddling thumbs. Dumbass also forgets who torched the White House in the War of 1812--and no, it wasn't the Taliban or al-Qaida. Dumbass forgets, most of all, who's been doing the Yanks' scut-work over there in Afghanistan, God only knows why. A fucking pipeline isn't worth it, and it's certainly NOT a matter of OUR national security.

23. The Fucking Vatican. El Residente is so right...it IS a mafia. But hey. If they think female ordination is a "sin" on the same order as pedophilia, that means they should actually have no problem with it, as long as it's swept under the rug. Just like all the other sins devout Catholic clerics commit.

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And finally, to "JoAnn", who pooped here. Funny how she defends one half of a criminal couple while leaving the other half alone. Why so selective, sweetie? Do you believe, like those who defend Roman Fucking Polanski and Mel Fucking Gibson, that money and fame should be insulators against any and all criminal charges? If so, congrats--you're a typical member of what H. L. Mencken called the booboisie. If Patricia Poleo were a typical Venezuelan--that is, non-white and non-wealthy--she'd be rotting in jail by now. But since she got away on a luxury yacht and squats in Miami, where you also squat, she must be innocent! Um, no. She is so NOT--if she were, she'd have stuck around, stood trial, and been FOUND innocent. I don't suppose it's occurred to you that her timing in fucking off to Miami was awfully convenient; she did it just before the law came for her. Innocent people don't have that kind of timing. But thanks for inadvertently revealing just what rotten logic the Venezuelan oligarchy and their valiant Miamero defenders subscribe to. It is definitely the media trend of the year, if the Polanski/Gibson thing is any indication.

Good night, and get fucked!

July 10, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Too hot to hoot edition

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Dayum, what a stinkingly hot week it's been here in Southern Ontario. The other night I boiled a pot of eggs for my salad just by sticking it out the window for a few seconds. Okay, I jest. But, no joke, this heat has addled a lot of brains, and some of the following were already there long before now...

1. Tim Fucking Hudak. Don't blame the cops for G-20 mayhem, says the Harrisite Parasite. Oh right. Because right-wing policy makers and police who blindly obey are NEVER the problem, only the dissidents who refuse to fall in line and cower behind their closed window blinds like good little sheeple "citizens". Tim, have you ever heard of provocateurs? Because guess what, asshole, you are one. And that "group of lawless hooligans"? That was YOUR SIDE, Tim!

BTW, you know you're doing a piss-poor job of maintaining democratic order when THIS place is outdoing you:

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Suck on THEM eggs, Timbo.

2. Kevin Fucking Gray. Whatever happened to the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience? Just pro forma, I guess. Meanwhile, won't someone think of the poor rentboys and their sad deficiency of Armani?

3. Sharron Fucking Angle. Here's some free advice for her (not that she's likely to take it): If you don't want to look like an asshole, DON'T BE ONE! You can't image-manage your character flaws away.

4. Terry Fucking Savage. Since when is giving things away a character flaw? Since someone claiming to possess "The Savage Truth!" [sic] declared it to be, and decided to slam a children's lemonade stand as emblematic of "what is wrong with America today". Christ, what a puny-minded corpofascist wanker. You know what's REALLY wrong with your country, dude? People like YOU. Lay the fuck off those innocent kids. And if you don't want the damn lemonade, don't drink it! Nobody said you had to. I hope you dry up and blow away.

5. Ezra Fucking Levant. Why? Because, because, because, because, BECAUUUUUSE...because of the stoopid things he does! We're off to see the Blizzard, the Blunderful Blizzard of Blahs!

6. The Fucking Toronto City Council. Why?

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and:

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That's why.

7. Andrew Fucking Potter. Yeah, blame the protesters for their "meta" (what does that word mean, anyway?) fixation on human rights, instead of doing your job and learning how to report facts. You just don't fucking get it; it seems to me you just don't fucking get anything. You and others like you are the reason I quit reading Maclean's. You and others like you are the reason the magazine sucks, the reason journalism is in trouble, and indeed, the reason human rights are in trouble. And when the stormtroops are bashing MY head in, I'm gonna blame you and people like YOU, you craptacular crapaganda wank, for not doing your due diligence and reporting on the growing authoritarian menace in Canada back when it was still possible to do so.

8. Michael Fucking Taube. "What sensible person would have wanted to be downtown during the G20, knowing the problems that could potentially occur?" Funny thing to say, considering that you're a former speechwriter for one of the least sensible people in the country. (And you are also still one of the least sensible people in the country yourself, praising police brutality and the anti-leftist crackdown as you do, asshole.)

9. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. Or rather, all the fucking idiots who send her money. Who knew that it was so profitable to be only marginally less batshit and stupid than all your batshit and stupid supporters?

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10. Dalton Fucking McGuinty. A Harpocrat stooge all along? Color me so shocked. Dumb analogies, too. PS: Someone on the tweeter suggested calling him Dalton McGuilty. Works for me!

11. Krista Fucking Branch. Now we know why American Idol rejected her, and now we know why the US rejects the teabaggers. Accusing others of greed and hypocrisy while glossing over your own will do that to you. This much loserdom is painful to watch, and even more so to listen to.

12. Lindsay Fucking Lohan. Yeah, with a manicure like that, I'm sure the judge was mighty impressed with you. Get thee to a psych ward, and don't come out till you're cured...of everything, up to and including the urge to paint your idiocy all over your nails.

13. Mel Fucking Gibson. Who deserves a beating, again? This is enough to make me want to turn back time to where he's walking down the corridor naked in Lethal Weapon II, and kick that cute little bare ass of his. That is, if Danny Glover doesn't beat me to it.

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14. George Fucking Will. For God's sake, man, loosen that silly tie. It's cutting off the circulation to your brain. Better still, lose it and put on some jeans. And lighten up already.

15. Tom Fucking Vilsack. How much was Monsanto paying him to spout their party line? To a roomful of experts who KNOW the damage genetically modified crops do to the environment, animals, insects and people, no less? Whatever they paid him, they might want to ask for a refund now. (They could probably use the cash, in any event.)

16. Glenn Fucking Beck. If you want to run an institute of edjumacation, perfesser, shouldn't you learn to spell--and THINK--first?

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PS: Oh lordy, he's turning into Lindsay Fucking Lohan before our very eyes. Stop him before he drinks again!

17. Ann Fucking Coulter. Well, it WAS about time the Coultergeist shot off her stupid mouth again. It looks like her latest root touchup was a bit much for her few remaining brain cells to take:

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele was absolutely right. Afghanistan is Obama's war and, judging by other recent Democratic ventures in military affairs, isn't likely to turn out well.

Ah yes. Obama was in charge nine years ago, wasn't he. That was about the time when the Coultergeist was babbling and frothing to the effect that "we" should "invade all their countries, kill all their leaders and convert them to Christianity". So of course, His Barackness had no choice but to heed the "advice" and drag the US troops off to Afghanistan, even though he wasn't even a senator then, eh? But wait, the World's Dumbest Peroxide Blonde hasn't finished yet:

It has been idiotically claimed that Steele's statement about Afghanistan being Obama's war is "inaccurate" -- as if Steele is unaware Bush invaded Afghanistan soon after 9/11. (No one can forget that -- even liberals pretended to support that war for three whole weeks.)

Actually, Peroxide Annie, most of us didn't even bother to pretend, we were just silenced and steamrolled by your so-called "liberal" media, who thought it their duty, as you did, to cheerlead Dubya in every fucking idiotic thing he ever did. But how nice of you to acknowledge, however backhandedly and incoherently, that you and Uncle Tom Steele are both full of shit. Now go sink back into obscurity where you belong. And take your little ass-barnacles with you.

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18. Tom Fucking Tancredo. Even more inflammatory and asinine than Peroxide Annie? Wow, that takes some doing. Where are the men in the white coats?

19. Sharron Fucking Angle. Rape and incest are lemons, and forced, unwanted pregnancy is lemonade. Teabag "logic" in a very wormy nutshell. My guess is she holds these strange views about "lemons" because she's never been forced to actually suck one. (Yes, I realize this makes twice she's on this week's list. She's not a boob, she's a bosom.)

20. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Now we know how big his coglioni aren't. Seems that Italian reporters do have it in them to defy him, after all. Stands to reason: Who hasn't seen his unimpressive equipment?

21. Linda Fucking Lingle. If you're going to use the slippery-slope fallacy to advance an argument against gay rights, shouldn't you make sure your state isn't already sitting at the bottom of said slope? How embarrassing to find out that Hawaii already allows first cousin marriages, no same-sex ones required. (Not quite as funny as India allowing marriages between men and dogs or Indonesia okaying it between men and cows, but still.)

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22. Paiboon Fucking Sunthonchart. If you think that name is a mouthful, wait till you see what he thinks terrorist sorcerers are going to do to your car (or to your ass while you're on the toilet). And just think, he wants to run for the Florida state senate! Not that lunatics were ever kept out of office there, but this one's off the scale even for that place.

23. Bernard Fucking Ouellette. Yep, yet another black eye for Canada's military, caused by yet another philandering commanding officer. WTF is it with the chain of command???

24. Mac Fucking Margolis. Look out, ol' Mac is back...same shit, same asshole. Same hate-on for Chavecito, now transferred to his lusophone amigo, Lula. Nice to see that the stockmarket is so much more important than the will of the people. There's a reason they love their leader down there in Brazil, but don't expect anyone who fronts for moneyed interests (or the narcoparamilitary government of Colombia) to fully grasp it.

25. Jan Fucking Brewer. Once more, since the facts aren't on her side, Arizona's racist governor is reduced to just making shit up. Only this time, it's even more transparently ridiculous than the reality-stretching tale of her "fighting" dad--it's divorced from this world altogether, like a headless ghost.

26. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Surprise, surprise--Jan Fucking Brewer's driving force into headless, hateful insanity...is UNDER INVESTIGATION. For ABUSE OF POWER. At LAST.

27. LeBron Fucking James. Does anyone (outside of Miami, of course) NOT think he's a total fucking wanker? And does anyone besides your scribbler think his TV appearance was the most massive waste of time and money since that kid who wasn't in the tinfoil balloon his wanker parents built?

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And finally, to all the global-warming deniers out there. Guess what, you're full of shit. The real Climategate scandal is that there are idiots like you still kicking around out there. Pity the heat and humidity aren't killing just you instead of all of us.

Good night, and get fucked!

July 3, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Crappy Canada Day!

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Yup, that's our fair flag, hanging upside down among the nations. A fitting close to the Canada Day Weekend festivities, no? There was certainly enough reason up here for us to fly it in the "in distress" position--our democracy is officially in a shambles. But maybe in a topsy-turvy world, that flag is really flying right-side-up. Certainly it is if you look at it through the eyes of the following backwardniks:

1. Ratzi the Fucking Nazi. It's time somebody said it, isn't it? This time, His UnHoliness earned his title by bitching about cops gathering evidence against the church in Belgium. Seems it's embroiled in a little child-sex ring there. Oh sweet Jesus, where is it NOT? Just more proof that the church can't and won't police itself, and it's pissy when outside authorities--LEGAL authorities--try to do their job. They're all going straight to hell for that.

2. Bill O'Fucking Reilly. Watch out, New Orleans strippers...Big-Hearted Billo is coming, in person, to stuff falafel in your garters!

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3. Kory Fucking Teneycke, again. All-news TV is "flat"? (Like your world, Kory?) Oh, that must be why those who watch it can't unglue their eyes from it. I would like to take the time to remind my readers, in case you've forgotten, that the same argument was advanced by Conrad Black against Canada's other two national newspapers (and yes, the Toronto Star is national--it out-circulates the Globe and Mail and National Pest combined) when he launched the National Post. Which has been hemorrhaging money and readership steadily since then. Probably because, rather than being flat, it comes off fluffy--as well as fucked in the head. Just like its intended readership--the brain-dead right-wing sheeple who prize sensationalism over factuality. Sheeple, in other words, just like Kory the SupposiTory.

4. Lara Fucking Logan. Used to be she did decent, critical reporting on the War on Terra. Now she's suddenly an apologist for a big-britches general who was rightly dismissed? Lara, please remember who it was that seized on Pat Tillman's erroneous killing to create crapaganda and got away with it. And don't do anything like that yourself. Y'hear?

5. Joel Fucking Stein. Oh, won't someone please save the town of Edison, New Jersey, from all these brown-skinned, Hindi-speaking curry-eaters? Won't someone please think of all the delicate sensibilities being offended by the presence of these non-white immigrants and their Bollywood movies??? PS: Oh, typical. So it was all a big joke? Funny how India isn't laughing. But the wanker is whining about THAT, too. Which just makes him a BIGGER wanker.

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Yes, this was the actual illustration that went with the lame, whiny-ass, racist story. TIME magazine's editors are also wankers...for running them both.

6. Dan Fucking Gainor. Poor conservatives, the media just isn't enough on side with them. I mean, what good is it if it doesn't just kiss their asses, but slip it the tongue, too?

7. Sharron Fucking Angle. By now, we know what kind of Angle she is...incredibly fucking obtuse. How else to explain that she thinks rape and incest are somehow part of "God's plan", and that victims just need to "have a little faith"? If that were the case, why be in favor of birth control...isn't that going against God's Plan? (Consistency, like sharpness, isn't part of her divine "plan", as you can see.)

8. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. His crappy little website is offering a $100,000 "reward" to anyone willing to sell out and invade Dave Weigel's privacy. Aside from the obvious illegality (and piss-poor journalistic ethics!) of that, where did this snivelly little shit get that kind of money? And what makes him think a cheap stunt like this is going to "save the country"? And from what? Everyone with more than two brain cells to rub together knows raging conservatives are the worst friggin' enemies the US could possibly have. Every scheme they've ever come up with for "saving" the country, ended up wrecking it when implemented.

9. Bill Fucking Blair. Is there anything about Toronto's chief of police that didn't shout WANKER! this entire fucking week? Arrogant, homophobic, autocratic...and totally insensitive to the suffering of the innocent people his thugs roughed up. He has got to resign. Or be impeached. At this point, I don't care which, as long as he fucking GOES.

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Photoshop courtesy Fillibluster.

10. Marc Fucking Ouellet. What to do with a rabid old anti-choicer who sweeps child sex abuse scandals under the rug and denies victims an apology? Well, if you are well connected at the Vatican, you promote the fucker. Next up for this epic failure of humanity: the papacy, no doubt.

11. Don Fucking Feder. Chicken Little claims the Western sky is falling because not enough white people are reproducing. Yet, strangely, we palefaces still manage to fuck up the environment, and other countries, just fine, even with so few baybeez. That's efficiency, Don!

12. Steve Fucking Blow. Yo, asshole, there's nothing "refreshing" about sexual abuse, be it hetero or homo. Ask victims how they feel--they feel DIRTY. Letting priests get married is not the real solution to the problem; the solution is to kill the notion of men being entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it, regardless of whom it hurts. Rape is NOT about sex, it's about POWER--just ask any survivor, who I'm sure finds being powerless incredibly sexy (ha).

13. The Fucking Texas Republican Party. They want to outlaw WHAT? I do hope they realize that everything they're trying to make illegal is actually an escape valve from the pressure cooker of right-wing politics and religion. Grand Old Implosion in 5...4...3...2...

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14. Eyal Fucking Nahum. Where the hell does one find the energy to groom four thousand underage girls online for sex? I guess it helps if you're a geek, and work with computers for a living. It also helps to be in the Israeli army, the sweetest smelling military in the world. (*cheapcolognecoughcoughwheeze*)

15. Christie Fucking Blatchford. That Bill Fucking Blair lies is a given. That Christie Fucking Blatchford aids and abets him in it is also a given. That both are major, MAJOR wankers...well, fill in the blank, kiddies.

16. Mel Fucking Gibson. That he's an anti-semite is known. But that he's also a racist? Er, color me SO not surprised. At this point, the only thing about him that surprises ME is that he's still running around loose, and not being ushered into a nice rubber room by some big guys in white coats.

17. Jim Fucking Hoft. Hey Jimbo, here's what a real flip-off looks like, courtesy of Our Man in Black:

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And rest assured, just for calling yourself a "pundit", you deserve it--dumbass.

18. Dalton Fucking McGuinty. I'm sorry, the Premier of Ontario doesn't want a what? Oh right. That accountability stuff doesn't apply to anyone in office. I seem to recall that some of us voted for him because he wasn't Mike Fucking Harris. Bad mistake! He went from promising to fix what Mikey broke--to duplicating all of Mikey's greatest shits. I'm beginning to see where that "power corrupts" adage was coming from.

19. Michael Fucking Steele. Ever wonder why I call him an Uncle Tom? Read Harriet Beecher Stowe sometime. This one is still bowing and scraping to Ol' Massa Bush, while laying all his crimes on Barack Obama. Who started the war in Afghanistan, again? It's been going on WAY longer than World War II by now. You KNOW someone is a wanker when even an old dyed-in-the-wool wank like The Bloody Kristol isn't defending him anymore.

20. John Fucking Eldredge. Behold:

""Capes and swords, camouflage, bandannas and six shooters-these are the uniforms of boyhood. Little boys yearn to know that they are powerful, they are dangerous, they are something to be reckoned with. How many parents have tried to prevent little Timmy from playing with guns? Give it up. If you do not supply a boy with weapons, he will make them from whatever materials are at hand. My boys chew their graham crackers into the shape of handguns at the breakfast table."" --John Eldredge, from Wild At Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." --St. Paul, First Epistle to the Corinthians, verse 33 (King James edition)

"Stop giving your kids graham crackers for breakfast, and for God's sake, stop fucking glorifying warfare. You're warping their underdeveloped minds, you goddamned dumbass." --me

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21. Bill Fucking Gladstone. Jesus Christ, what a fucking hasbaratnik putz. You'd think the entire G-20 protest was nothing but Black Block, and the marches were the next fucking Kristallnacht. Bill, why don't you put blame where it really belongs--ON THE FUCKING COPS??? (PS: Those ugly digs at QuAIA and us Germans? Not kosher either, you schmuck.)

22. Ryan Fucking Doyle. I don't get Montreal radio stations on my dial (Southern Ontario is out of range), but my soul-sister CK does. Clicky da linky to see her tear a few strips off one wannabe Limbaugh of the North.

23. Bill Fucking Keller. When is torture NOT torture? When it's an "enhanced interrogation technique". And the rightards accuse us lefties of PC word policing? Sheesh. I guess it's okay when they do it (and the Old Grey Whore aids and comforts them with an obliging crapaganda foray.)

24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Whatever the hell she said this week, it was a lie, a cowflop, a wank. See how easy that is?

25. The Fucking IDF. Yes, kiddies, the Israeli army lies. Not just occasionally--CONSTANTLY. You probably knew that already, but just in case you didn't, well...now you do. Just like the stormtroopers at the G-20, they need any excuse or pretext they can get to crack dissenting heads.

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And finally, to Stephen Fucking Harper. Thanks a lot, shit-ass, for fucking our democracy. I guess now we know what you meant by being unable to recognize Canada when you got through with it. Or was it your overlords in Washington? Whatever, motherfucker--I recognized you the moment I heard how many Harrisite Parasites you had on your team of "advisors". I wish you a speedy impeachment and a painful political death, preferably involving a huge sex scandal.

Good night, and get fucked!

June 26, 2010

Wankers of the Week: G8/G20 edition

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Yup, that about sums up what it's all about. A dirty, low-down fuckery full of pretended "gentlemen", throwing money around and expecting to buy whatever they want, no matter who suffers. Photo courtesy the Torontoist, where there's also an excellent liveblog of all the fun and frivolity. Here's Friday's edition, and here's today's.

"Fascism begins the moment a ruling class, fearing the people may use their political democracy to gain economic democracy, begins to destroy political democracy in order to retain its power of exploitation and special privilege."

--Tommy Douglas

Well! How're we liking the arrival of fascism in Canada, boys 'n' girls? So far, it's all panning out true to the predictable pattern. All wrapped up in a flag, carrying a cross--just as Sinclair Lewis predicted for our neighbors to the south--and building fake lakes so people won't think too long about how the real waters of the world are being crapped up by corporations. That's what makes ours Canadian, eh. Otherwise it's virtually indistinguishable from the American Republic of Stupidstan.

And from the heart of my bottom, heartiest thanks to the following fools, fascists and fuckers, not all of whom are at the G-20 right now, for making this week as wankish as could be:

1. Stockwell Fucking Day. Damn right, Laughing Stock, there will be protests because of "a small bunch of thugs". You're so fucking dumb you don't even realize that you're referring to your own not-so-new-anymore SupposiTory minority government. The protests will be massive, and the protesters won't be thugs--only the police provocateurs who I'm sure you guys are paying extra to have trucked in, along with your fucking fake lake.

2. G. Gordon Fucking Liddy. What's the G stand for? God-awfully-STUPID, what else? Yeah, Gordie, whitey-white Christians aren't at all good at that slaughtering shit. Who dropped the fucking A-bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, again?

3. Karl Fucking Rove. Guess who's gonna be in town for Chuck Fucking McVety's little satanistic goat-slaughtering orgy! And guess who I'm praying for...to get a loose wrecking ball to the kisser, that is.

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4. Tony Fucking Hayward. Gee, I guess he "finally" got his life back--he went yachting. Needless to say, not in the same waters where his company took a shit.

5. Ann Fucking Coulter. Is someone miffed because she didn't get invited to the gringo-nose-powder party aboard Wanker #4's yacht? Sure smells that way. So, of course, who better to take it out on than His Barackness? (BTW, her daily dose of meth has eaten another hole in the Coultergeist's brain. Remember "Now watch this drive"? She doesn't. Oh, and she's also lying. But we knew that!)

6. Stanley Fucking McChrystal. Because military discipline and respect for the civilian commander-in-chief don't apply if you're a right-wing general. Or if the civilian commander-in-chief is black. PS: Tell your former aide to stop using "gay" as a put-down, ex-General. PPS: "Counter-insurgency" does not work. No wonder the former general was so pissy.

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7. Martin Fucking Feldman. Why block a presidential moratorium on deep-sea drilling? Holding stock in companies that do it is one reason. It's also a conflict of interest, but I'm sure His Dishonor doesn't see it that way. In fact, I'm pretty sure he sees it as a very neat conjunction of interests.

8. Fucking "Hunter". How is it possible for us crazy left-wing feminists to NOT get the pee-pee sensation when we see Harpo, AND simultaneously have it but not admit it? Spoiler alert: We don't get any feelings down there at all when we look at him. He's not sexy! I suppose it never occurs to starry-eyed conservatwits that normal women don't like stony-faced men who lacquer their hair. And if you're going to babble nonsense about smelly terrorists, "Hun", better look at the ones you voted for. They think dousing oneself in Drakkar Noir neutralizes the stench of batshit and brimstone. It doesn't, and neither does your cheap perfume, dear.

9. Jon Fucking Voight. No wonder Angelina Jolie wants nothing to do with her old man. Can you blame her? He's an ignorant, apartheid-loving, rapturistic, racist, Repug asswipe.

10. Conrad Fucking Black. He's still guilty as sin, but now it looks like he's going to waste more public money trying to prove he's not. Give it up, Lord Nobody! And stay in jail. It's the best place for you. Make yourself useful teaching your fellow inmates how to read and write, or something.

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11. Ezra Fucking Levant. Being sued for libel again? Surprise...and he still gets ZERO sympathy from me or anyone. That's what happens when you think "freedom of speech" means you get to whack other people on the nose and not have them hit you back. Another sue-happy screamer who believes in freedom of speech for himself alone, and can't bear it when the law gets turned against him by others. "Equal rights" is fightin' words to Ezzy Irrelevant.

12. Tom Fucking Brock. Another screaming closet case, outed. Funny how little you have to scratch a professional homophobe to find a homo...one who desperately needs to get laid. And who is probably going to have no luck finding true man-love as long as he keeps up the nasty rhetoric.

13. Marco Fucking Rubio. If offshore drilling is "being done safely all over the world", how do you explain Nigeria? Oh, that's right--you don't even bother thinking about it, because it doesn't bear thinking about. And besides, those people are black, so their environmental woes don't count.

14. David Fucking Jungerman. Producer or parasite? Considering how much he got in farm subsidies, I vote for the latter. And since I seriously doubt he has paid a million dollars in taxes (which he would have to have done, at a minimum, in order to consider it "my money coming back to me"), let's add "lying lowdown hypocrite" to the list of descriptors.

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15. James Fucking Moore. As a "radical extremist" radically opposed to wankers, I flip you the cyber-electronic bird, sir. And your draconian US puppetmasters, too.

16. Rocco Fucking Rossi. Oh charming! The would-be theocrat of Toronto City Hall thinks le mot juste is "hate speech". Le mot juste, of course, being "apartheid", uttered in the context of Israel, for which there is incidentally ample proof that it IS le mot juste.

17. Rob Fucking Ford. Not content to let Wanker #16 hog the whole Bucket-O-Stoopid, Rob manfully elbowed him aside and took his turn at the trough. Snort, snort, oink.

18. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. And lest we forget the third stooge in the trio, here's another homophobic free-speech hater who doesn't deserve to be the next mayor of Toronto. Stick a fork in all of 'em, they're DONE.

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19. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Obama is "henpecked"? Michelle never lets him have "real food"? That's funny, I just saw him and Dimitri Medvedev chowing down in a burger joint the other day. I guess that's fake food, although I'm sure once in a while it can't hurt. Michelle said nothing, but I'm told the Secret Service had a cow. Snork, snork. Of course, what Rusty says would be easier to take seriously if Obama weren't so trim and handsome (and still with his first wife, very happily by all appearances), and the Pigman weren't so...well, you know. Alas for Rush, there's some very bad news floating around out there about all that unreal food.

20. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Spare the Gomer Pyle jokes, folks, even if they ARE only too tempting. This poor paranoid racist Godwin-breaching asswipe is not gonna make it through his next election, so we must be gentle with him. Or...maybe not.

21. Thomas Fucking Sowell. Uncle Tom is also a fine one to go violating Godwin. He spent the last decade of his career propping up Mussolini Piccolomini Bush, after all. I guess what Gomer #20 was trying to say there was that Uncle Tom is awfully smart for a niggruh to be making such facile comparisons between two totally different men, or some such.

22. Glenn Fucking Beck. Professional racist and paranoid drunken loon promotes hemorrhoidal self as heir to civil rights movement, and McCarthy as a great defender of democracy. Along with ghostwritten, bulk-bought book. Oh yeah, and did I mention he's a MORmON? And that the Cold War is long over and the Red Menace gone? And that the civil-rights movement was led by progressive US BLACKS, not Moscow? Dude's shit is so fucking crazy, we couldn't make it up if we wanted to. Fortunately, his ratings are still circling the drain. All we want now is to see them go all the way DOWN, for fuck's sake.

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23. Christie Fucking Blatchford. Disingenuous right-wing columnist has no idea how the healthcare system actually works, and certainly doesn't really care about fixing it, but never misses an opportunity to bash it with half-truths, pure conjectures, and a slimy glossing-over of the facts, which leads her gullible readers to believe, as she does, that it should simply be scrapped altogether--to "let the market take care of it". (The "market taking care of it" was the reason Tommy Douglas built our system in the first place!) If she hates it so much in this country, why is she still here? It's not like she couldn't make a fucking fortune peddling her smack south of the border. They eat that shit up down there. Maybe it's just the glut in the oversaturated US bullshit market? Whatever it is, Christie, just because there are fewer people up here who think like you, doesn't mean there's a vast untapped market for right-wing hog-snot. Take a hint, and take it elsewhere. (The local landfill is a good place; the toilet is even better.)

24. Jim Fucking Prentice. Speaking of "let the market fuck you over", scroll down. Seems this wanker doesn't like the truth being told about his sneak-thievish deregulation drives. BTW, did you know he's letting Chevron drill in deeper waters than the Deepwater Horizon went down in? On the Atlantic Coast, where a spill could unleash catastrophe on two continents? It's true!

25, 26 and 27. Tucker Fucking Carlson, Matt Fucking Dornic and Betsy Fucking Rothstein. If you're going to blather nonsense about "journalistic ethics" or "journalistic standards", try exercising some of your own, you fucking hacks. What you did to Dave Weigel is inexcusable--especially since all Weigel did was tell the unflattering truth, and utter things we've all felt, about so many right-wing idiots out there. Who are all still spouting and spewing and making millions saying things that are about ten thousand times worse--minimum. Fuck you, fuck you all very much.

28. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

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That's why. And that's not all.

29. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Ever since he broke into Al Capone's vault to find nothing but empty liquor bottles and dust-bunnies, I've suspected he was not really a journalist, but an untalented schmuck who played one on TV. So far, nothing he has said or done has laid that suspicion to rest.

30. Michael Fucking Den Tandt. Put down your outdated economics text book and pay attention to the real world, Mikey. Globalization destroyed all the jobs. CEOs are getting bonuses for job-cutting, outsourcing, and wage-slashing, if not union-busting. Why do you think all those people are protesting? BTW, most of them HAVE jobs, no thanks to crapitalist ideologues like you. If any of them throw bricks, I hope one goes through your window--and another through your own smug, vainglorious preconceptions. If you're really a journalist worth your salt, and not just another fucking conservatard hack, I dare you to go ask sweatshop workers on the other side of the planet how well "free" trade has worked at lifting THEM out of poverty...or for that matter, all the trafficked women and children it has wrenched from their homes and into brothels. Yeah, they're really better off now! Asshole.

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One of yours, Mikey? (Photo by Kady O'Malley.)

And finally, to all those who think the protesters are "radical extremists" or worse, "terrorists". No, they're not--they're the PEOPLE, and they're standing up for your freedoms, since the police aren't being paid to, and the army isn't allowed to (and is only being sent to guard the corporations' intended resource grabs, anyway.) I really can't express how I feel about you or your pusillanimous bed-wetting fascism any better than this anonymous man, who had the guts to tell it like it is to the cops:

Good night, and get fucked!

June 19, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Vuvuzela edition

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In case you haven't heard of it (or just plain heard it) yet, the above is a vuvuzela--South Africa's official noisemaker of the World Cup. It looks like a traffic pylon, comes in plain or fancy colorations, and emits a loud, buzzy hoot when you blow razzberries into it. I had the unfortunate experience of hearing it before I saw it, since I tend to ignore TVs unless the news is on, and the World Cup is just one big racket to me (in both the auditory and the mafiosic sense). My ears are still in recovery.

First time I saw the name was on the tweeter, linked to sites dedicated to the fine art of kvetching about it, building anti-vuvuzela filters for your TV, toning it down if you have a Samsung TV, and calling for bans on it. At first I wondered what they all had against Venezuela. I mean sure, Hugo Chávez isn't everyone's cup of cafecito, but really--hating on a country? Then I took a closer look and caught on.

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Get together a big soccer stadium full of people with these, and it sounds like a swarm of drunken killer bees, getting their warpath on. Not pleasant, and I can see how people would kvetch about it or want it banned, if their real interest is in watching a soccer match. (Mine's not soccer. Mine's the leggy guys in shorts. But I digress.)

Know what's more annoying than a vuvuzela? A wanker. And this week was full of them. Here they are, blowhards all, in no particular order:

1. Thilo Fucking Sarrazin. Yes, immigrants often do have lower levels of education than the natives of their new country. So what? Most people recognize that this condition is temporary, NOT "about 80 percent hereditary", and is best helped by the public education system of the new country, as well as tolerant and open-minded citizens doing their bit to help the newcomers acclimatize.

Those are the intelligent ones, mind you. The other kind somehow make it all the way onto the board of directors of the German Bundesbank, where they kvetch and moan about how dirty and dumb all those new immigrants are--especially if they're brown and have a tendency to walk around in baggy clothing and headscarves. Thus embarrassing the rest of the Bundesbank board mightily, and making Germany look pretty damn stupid in the process.

2. Mahmoud Fucking Abbas. Never mind Hamas and those silly toy rockets. And for a moment, let's set aside all those Likudnik and Kahanist asswipes in Tel Aviv. What about the "respectable" leader of the Palestinian Authority, effectively aiding and abetting Israel in its illegal efforts to annex Gaza (and starve out its Palestinian denizens)? I guess he doesn't like Hamas either, it being a rival faction and all, but why take it out on the hides of Gazans?

3. Dov Fucking Charney. Guess where I won't be shopping anytime in the foreseeable future. Yes, American Apparel, I'm glaring at YOU. Retail jobs suck as it is; does a lookist hiring policy make them any better? Hell, NO. And neither does the nasty, rampant sexism of Dov Charney himself. Just because the company is "sweatshop free", doesn't mean its OTHER bad labor practices should get off scot-free. Here's one small instance where I'll advocate letting the market take care of the problem: Let's put market forces to work AGAINST this sort of thing. Don't apply, and don't buy. Boycott, baby, boycott!

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4. Rand Fucking Paul. Not board-certified to practise? You don't say. I guess regulation of doctors, even if only by peers, is another bugaboo for this right-wing flibbertigibbertarian. Do you suppose it could be because he wouldn't pass muster?

5. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why does it just so figure that she wants to meet Maggie Fucking Thatcher? On the bright side, Maggie is in an advanced state of senile dementia, so she and Sawah should get along just fine, if this meeting ever comes off.

6. Joe Fucking Weisenthal. Yeah, our Canadian army is getting massacred in Afghanistan so that you bizmedia blogtards can get all cute and flippant about why they're over there. Jesus H. Christ!

7. Bill Fucking Kristol. Wow, who knew that machismo was a required presidential trait? And why is it that the most effete fucking wimps in the world, the same ones who would NEVER strap on a rifle and body armor to fight the wars they advocate, are the very ones pushing that ludicrous notion?

8. Chris Fucking Bryant. French is a "useless" language? Quoi? Quel imbécile! Considering how half the world still insists on speaking it, I'd say it's Bryant who's useless for failing to comprehend. Or to put it another way: Casse-toi, con de merde. Vas à baiser ma fesse!

9. Charles Fucking McVety. It's not enough for the biggest Satanist in Ontario to get comprehensive sex-ed quashed here; no, now he wants to take over the world! Which is, of course, why he's so bitter not to have been invited to the G-20 summit to lead the evil One World Government, no doubt in his capacity as Grand Imperial Poohbah of the Kuckoo Klox Klan.

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10. Erik Fucking Prince. Realizing that being a high-profile mercenary mafia boss is not as safe a gig as he'd thought, now he wants to sell Blackwater--oh sorry, Xe, or whatever its next lame name will be--and move to Dubai. Don't anyone tell him that Dubai is crumbling, and all the mercenary moolah in the world won't save it--in fact, the Burj Whatever is just begging to be the next big terrorist target, and I wouldn't be surprised if they hit it. Here's hoping the Prince of Darkness will be inside at just the right moment.

11. Eleanor Fucking Clitheroe. She's now an Anglican minister, but hardly a poor church mouse--she's drawing a $300,000+ yearly pension, based on her "work" (coughwheeze) as chief greedhead at Hydro One, and she STILL thinks that's not enough to live on. Meanwhile, Ontarians who used to get by on much less are wondering why their own incomes aren't enough to cover the costs of THEIR utilities anymore.

12. Candice Fucking Hoeppner. Oh joy, our summer is going to be a real silly season now--Candy is going on tour (on the public dime?) to promote legalized gun nuttery. Now, some people think the long-gun registry is a colossal waste of money, or a Liberal political pander, or some such rot. My response to them is this: Imagine someone going on tour to promote the notion that motor vehicle registration should be scrapped because it costs money to maintain a registry. I'm sure a lot of pickup truck owners would be pleased, but is this really fair to victims of aggressive drivers? Or the police, whose job it is to keep the roads safe, and who rely on motor-vehicle registries to help them do so?

13. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Bristol Palin is a precious little lamb who is off limits for criticism, but Malia Obama is a nasty ghetto bitch eager to "shake down" that poor, beleaguered BP man who was just walking innocently down the street in Harlem when his oil well blew. No, of course you're not racist, Rush...you're just a "serious, serious"-ly fugly old white slug who hates everything and everybody. And that bulging artery inside your brain can't blow out soon enough.

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14. Carl-Henric Fucking Svanberg. Too late to apologize. You let slip no more than what you really think of the overwhelming majority of people. Those "small people" won't seem so small when they're coming for you and the rest of the incompetent moronic greedheads at BP with pitchforks, torches, tar (from the Gulf of Mexico!) and feathers, rest assured.

15. Lindsay Fucking Blackett. If Canadian culture is shit, why are you a culture minister? Oh wait--you're from Alberta. That explains a lot. What does YOUR culture consist of, again? Whining about the rest of Canada and how inferior to the US it is. Yeah, that's pretty shitty, all right.

16. Fucking Monsanto. Not content to monopolize North America with its Frankencrops, now it's gunning for Europe, where GMO shit is largely banned. First stop, Germany. ¡No pasaran! Korporationsnazis raus!

17. The Fucking San Francisco Chronicle. Firing Robert Scheer--a Jew--for saying Palestinians should be treated like Jews by the Israelis? I suppose they're going to claim he meant gas them and shove them into crematory ovens at Auschwitz. He didn't. Whatever excuse they make is gonna stink to high heaven. Just like the crematoria at Auschwitz. Or the white phosphorus Israel dumped on Gaza.

18. Rick Fucking Barber. What's funnier: this dumb goober running for the US Congress, or this dumb goober claiming that the IRS "forces business owners to spy on themselves" and that the people "have no representation"? Um, dude--if the people have no representation, why are you running for the House of Representatives?

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19. and 20. Terry Fucking Tremaine and Paul Fucking Fromm. The one can't stop wanking out his racism and antisemitism over the Internets; the other isn't clear on the concept of what the Internets are for. Sheer comedy gold from the Goofus and Gallant of the Canadian far-right.

21. Faytene Fucking Kryskow, AGAIN. Speaking of the Canadian far-right, did you know this crazy Christer is a closet racist? It's true! Just ask the aboriginal dignitaries who were unfortunate enough to take her up on her invites to the lamb-slaughters which her group of fundie wackos likes to throw now and again. Something tells me they won't make that mistake twice.

22. Sharron Fucking Angle. If you thought #21 was an obscene theocrat, you ain't seen nothin' yet. This one, from south of our border, wants to take away everything except Jeebus and guns. (The real Jesus would kick her to the curb on sight. As he would anyone who's a follower of R.J. Fucking Rushdoony.)

23. Zach Fucking Wamp. No doubt he's descended from the original Mug Wump, and, like a true mugwump, changed the name only to avoid recognition. Didn't work; we're onto him.

24. Adrian Fucking Lamo, again. Last week's suspicion is now confirmed. This wanker turned in a heroic leaker just for the egoboo. Well, his ego deserves a boo, all right...and a hiss, and a loud razzberry, blown through the world's biggest fucking vuvuzela.

25. The Fucking Canada-Israel Committee. Why?

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That's why. Not even bothering to attempt a gaywash, they go straight for apartheid AND homophobia in the same breathless tweet. That's a lot of wankage in just 140 keystrokes (or less)!

26. Gary Fucking Bass. Essentially, not apologizing on behalf of the RCFuckingMP for tasering a poor confused Polish immigrant to death. If that's not the height of wankitude, I don't know what is.

27. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. Just when you figured she'd hit the limit for batshit craziness, she totally redraws that line in the oil-soaked sand. Way to go, bitch. You make BP turtleburners happy.

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28. Haley Fucking Barbour. See above, and add profits before people, ecology or endangered species. Way to go, BP turtleburner SOB.

29. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Unfunny Miami teabagger is too dumb to do anything but count calories, and I wouldn't trust her even to get THAT right. BTW, here's another thing she got wrong: Bill Clinton's second term was already up when she "voted him out". Oh wait--she confesses she didn't vote for anyone, EVER, she was too dumb "Christian" to register. Never mind vote for anyone with an R beside their name "because it's closest to the Bible". How does this insanely stupid woman manage to go on breathing?

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And finally, to whoever the hell came up with the vuvufuckingzela. What a wanker you are, unknown sir. I bet you masturbate in yours every night while counting your profits. May your schlong get stuck in it, and may the hospital not have enough K-Y jelly to extricate you.

Good night, and get fucked.

June 12, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Fake Lake edition

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An artist's conception of Lake Pissadawampumaway. Let us pray that this fiscally irresponsible monstrosity never makes it off the drawing board. This, BTW, from the same fucking government that thinks the gun registry is a boondoggle--or so it tells all its yahoo constituents from the sticks, in an effort to keep their dumbass goober votes. (Yeah, we can tell you guys hate Toronto because it's not Alberta. Big fuckin' whoop!)

Well. Happy June! How's mid-month treating you? Are you getting lots of gardening done? I am. But I never spend so much time out in Real Nature that I'm not able to make note of all the other phonies hanging out by the side of the Fake Lake. Here we go, in no particular order:

1. Bill Fucking McCollum. Well, now we know where boy-renter George Fucking Rekers got the money for that rentboy...he was paid double his usual (hefty!) professional witness fee so that Florida could get an anti-gay-adoption law (which is, in all likelihood, unconstitutional...as well as discriminatory as hell.) BTW, how many children does Rekers have, again?

2. Adrian Fucking Lamo. Sorry, I'm not buying the "national security" excuse for betraying a confidence. The war on Iraq is illegal, and the guy who leaked the Collateral Murder video is a hero for showing just how brutal and callous it is. Shame on Lamo for doing his "duty" to extend the killing for God only knows how much longer. At least now, the whole world knows not to trust him with another confidence again.

3. Jonathan Fucking Mark. Yeah, "sink the next flotilla", GREAT idea! What could be better for totally stripping Israel of its last shred of credibility than blowing up a boatload of pro-Palestine Jews? I mean, it's not like the last two weeks have been utterly devoid of disgraces. Shit, what's one more, especially if some of the credit accrues to you, eh Jono?

4. Michael Fucking Oren. Oh wait, that's the answer to my first question of Wanker #3.

5. Jan Fucking Brewer. Yes, she makes this week's list again. This time for her charming, Palinesque tactic of blaming the media...for what she herself said.

6. Debbie Fucking Schlussel. Why?

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That's why. Even if she lives to be a hundred and fifty, Little Debbie ToxicSnackCakes will NEVER be fit to wipe Helen Thomas's shoes. Or Whoopi Goldberg's, either.

7. Elton Fucking John. Which is worse: performing in Apartheid Israel, or at Rush Fucking Limbaugh's fourth phony wedding? Either way, it's a fucking wank. Guess whose records I'm proud not to own, and am never going to? (Muchas gracias, Paul Escobar, for the second link.)

8. Tzipi Fucking Livni. I don't know how many Israelis were on those pro-IDF "flotillas" sailing to Gaza to rub the Palestinians' noses in it, but I know one blonde whose nose I would dearly love to rub in it myself for being there to see them off. Crapaganda coup of the century? NOT.

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9. Ari Fucking Fleischer. Another person who couldn't resist the old nose-rub: Ari the Liar, who finally got his revenge on good old Helen Thomas this week. Guess that makes you feel better after not being able to answer all those clear, hard questions she put to you during your much shorter time in the White House pressroom, eh Ari? Asshole.

10. Also, Lanny Fucking Davis (at the same link). That goes double for you, you phony-liberal fucking hypocrite. You have some nerve talking about antisemitism when you're the asshole who did PR for the overtly fascist coup in Honduras! Bet you thought we forgot about that, eh? Well, some of us didn't. Fuck you, Lanny. May you get back from Honduras what Honduras got from you.

11. For that matter, all the fucking lapdogs of the White House press corps are worse than useless. Did any of them stand up for Helen--who was the only one among them who never shirked her job? Nope...they were all too busy playing water-pistol games with Joe Fucking Biden and Rahm Fucking Emanuel. But I'm sure they'll "explain" all this by saying that it's hard work, or some such.

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12. Bernie Fucking Madoff. Fuck your victims? No, fuck YOU, you entitled old assbastard (with the very teeny wienie)! You're not hot shit, you're not THE shit, you're just a piece of shit who thought he had the right to live off other people's money. You are Ponzi-scheming pond scum. They carried YOU, not you them, you miserable old wet fart.

13. Tamara Fucking Broomfield. Who the hell gives their own child cocaine, much less an overdose? A complete and utter wanker, that's who.

14. Richard Fucking Pombo. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. He's gone from pissing on Chavecito and the environment, to being the burning house no one wants to piss on. Sucks to be you, Dick. Do you still have that ugly shirt, BTW?

15. Glenn Fucking Beck. Still a wanker. Ratings still falling. Still a wonder that he's still on the air. Chicken Noodle Network still not cutting the bum loose. Chicken Noodle Network therefore also still wankers.

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16. Daniel Fucking Menard. And the Fucking is to be understood literally. Because isn't that what the big brass all do with the lower ranks, particularly when they're in Afghanistan and the Little Wife is at home? (Thanks to Jim for the suggestion.)

17. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Does anyone seriously believe his latest foray into Family Values (his fourth, for those keeping score--meaning three marital failures and another in the making) is for realz? I mean, he had Elton Fucking John singing at the "wedding". Think for a moment about the ironies of an overpaid professional homophobe hiring HIM, of all people.

18. Rand Fucking Paul, again. My late grandfather, who died of emphysema after 65 wasted years of tobacco addiction, just told me to give you the finger, Rand. He never believed in smoking bans either, until he was 75, when his doctor told him to quit or die. THEN he believed. Jayzus! First racism, now this? I used to not wish such things on my worst enemies, but now, Rand, I hope you contract some ghastly secondhand smoke-related illness, I hope it bankrupts you, and I hope no one's willing to pay for your treatments. Not even the big insurance corporations you think are so much more fucking trustworthy than the government. And certainly not the tobacco companies, whom you should have no right to sue after the blowjob you just gave them. Maybe then you'll learn...nah, of course you won't. You probably believe in the hypocrisy--oh sorry, "idealism"--of dry counties, and mandatory jail sentencing for non-rich, non-famous, non-white drug addicts, don't you, Rand?

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19. Carly Fucking Fiorina. Barbara Boxer not only has the better politics, she also has the better hair. Thus making this wank a nugget of sheerest comedy gold.

20. Kory Fucking Teneycke. This little wanker, whose tenure on the CBC as a conservative pundit was so short that you could literally blink and miss it, has fallen upward and convinced Quebecor to throw major money away on a Canadian "equivalent" to FUX Snooze. He thinks there's a "largely untapped market" for his proposed channel, in a medium which is already dominated by conservatards--in a country of barely 32 milion people, most of whom are, despite the right-wing media's best efforts, NOT conservatards? And this, despite the epic failure of the National Pest, which ought to be considered a very grim harbinger of where Conservatardia is really headed? One almost hopes that they do give this harebrained scheme a go, if only to enjoy the Hindenburg-like spectacle of it all going dowwwwwwn.

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Wonky-charty thingy compiled by Mike Watkins. Bhad Nhews for Kory & Ko.--that dark blue line, representing all Canadian conservative parties past and present, is his "largely untapped market". Someone needs to go back and do his homework, methinks.

21. Nancy Fucking Allan. Yes, heaven forfend that high-schoolers should learn the true nature of the Israeli apartheid régime. Or that Palestinians are human and deserve equal rights. What would the world come to if that were to happen? No, better to give in to one kid's irrational panic, let B'nai Brith come in and go over the students' exam papers with a fine-tooth comb, and then push the hasbara on them before they're old enough to really start questioning.

22. David Fucking Nesenoff. Thanks to this wanker getting his own son in her face with a camera and some annoying questions, the venerable Helen Thomas is no longer a working reporter. He, on the other hand, presumably remains a working rabbi, despite the offensive ethnic stereotypes--oh sorry, "jokes" he likes to spout. Double standard much?

23. Valentine Fucking Tsamma Seane. Nobody just up and decides to be gay, just as nobody just up and decides to NOT be gay. The choice is in God's hands...that is, if you believe in God. And I have my doubts about you, Bishop.

24. Ezra Fucking Levant. So you put on a big tra-ra about how you're so persecuted, only to be exonerated, and the fake persecution ends up costing you $100,000? You complain of a "90-minute interrogation" in which the waterboard wasn't broken out, not even once? Where all you had to do was answer some questions and look like a pompous ass doing so? Sorry, Ezra, but my crocodile tear supply is long since dried up. You went out of your way to bring this on yourself, thinking you would put the System on trial. Guess what: It doesn't work that way, in this or any country. The System put YOU on trial, and it worked out fine for you. Except, of course, for all that money you wasted trying to show how "smart" you were. Meanwhile, the System remains, and you are out $100,000. I suppose you'll be launching another suit to try to get it back, eh? Yeah, when in the hole, keep digging. It's the Tory thing to do.

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(And just think, Kory Fucking Teneycke has been making noises about giving this dumb putz his own TV show. He's got a face for radio, but I wouldn't want him anywhere on THAT dial, either.)

25. Joran Fucking van der Sloot--international asshole of mystery, or so he would have liked to be. Too bad for him that the mystery is now solved!

26. Michael Fucking Pakaluk. I'm not sure why any gay parents out there (adoptive or natural) would want to enroll their children in Catholic parochial schools, knowing what hotbeds of homophobia, hate and hypocrisy they can be. But apparently this homophobic wanker (a closet case, perchance?) thinks that there's a horde of gay-parent barbarians out there, beating at the gates, clamoring to be thought of as human and, gasp, NORMAL. Oh noes!!! Who will there be left to despise when THEY finally shed their outsider status? (Best comment award--and it was a tough call, folks--goes to #59.)

27. Eva Fucking Rodriguez. If you want to know how far the WaHoPo has sunk in terms of journalism, or reading comprehension on the part of its writers, look no further. If you want to know what ridiculously twisty arguments to "prove" that someone said what they didn't say look like...look no further. In short, if you want to see a really drecky hack writer in action...look no further. And stay away from the WaHoPo if you really want to know what's going on, 'kay?

28. Mac Fucking Margolis. Same deal as #27, only he "writes" for Newsweak. How on Earth Chavecito's encouraging free speech by recommending his supporters use the tweeter translates to "Chávez's Twitter Repression" is beyond me, but I'm sure Macky-Wacky has a perfectly convoluted explanation.

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29. Jim Fucking Naureckas. Much as it pains me to list this normally bang-on FAIR writer, I have to, because he wanked! Helen Thomas did not say what Jim thinks (and wants us to think) she said, and her purported failure to stand behind her own words is not evidence that what she said was actually indefensible. She may not have worded it very lucidly, but she was right--Israel IS occupying Palestine, and Israel needs to get the hell out; they do NOT need more settlers or settlements, and both are still coming, in flagrant violation of international law. BTW, Jim, Dan Rather was right, too, when he said that Dubya was a deserter from the Texas Air National Guard, but HE didn't stand behind his own reporting there, either--he caved in, rather than fighting the freepers. You remember that, don't you? Doesn't that tell you a thing or two about mob rule in US journalism, Jim? It's not like you haven't seen the likes of this before: Veteran reporter, highly respected, gets ganged up on by a right-wing media establishment, which ultimately holds the purse strings. Lone reporters NEVER fare well in such an environment, which is also highly competitive (and encircled by right-wing blogtards to boot). Helen is nearly 90 and probably doesn't have the energy (or the desire) to stand up, all alone, against a mafia howling for her blood. But we can do it for her, and we are not wrong to do so, because we know she did not say what you say she said. And we've got your own cited link to prove it.

30. Pamela Fucking Geller. Yes, Ms. "Atlas" is still shitting...but PayPal no longer wants its good name associated with her hate site. And yes, it IS a hate site. Militant islamophobia is one thing, but to grub money off it? Beyond chutzpah, as Norm Finkelstein would say. Let's hope no other Internet payment handlers will do business with her, either.

31. Sarah Fucking Palin. Still vacuous. Still stupid. Still not a feminist, though she claims she is. Still not a victim of sexism, though she also claims she is. So what is she? Still a do-nothing who can't stop telling others what to do.

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And finally, to the Fucking SupposiTories. All of you. Money-wasters, panderers, liars, hypocrites, fascists, repressors, suckups, fuckups, do-nothing bullshitters all. You cordoned off the downtown core of TO more than two weeks in advance of your fake-lake "summits" at which NOTHING will get done, other than that four goddamn fucking noise cannons will be deployed to scare dissenters away (and they will not work. Cheap earplugs trump overpriced hi-tech every time). Fuck you, fuck you very much for doing it on our dime. Here's a little ditty by some guys you're not cool enough to like. Enjoy:

If I had a billion dollars, I'd buy you, you skanky fucking whores. And then I'd dismantle your fake party and throw it in your fake lake, and hold its head underwater until it stops thrashing, just to make sure the job gets done for real.

Good night, and get fucked!

June 5, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Bustin' out all over

Ahem. A little mood music, maestro:

Ah. That was lovely.

And speaking of bustin' out all over, how about all these scandalous wankers, caught with their pants down? Jeezus, haven't they got anything better to do in this lovely springy weather?

1. Liz Fucking Cheney. Investigate Sestak? Pfffft--there's nothing there to investigate. Just keep a civil tongue in your head, missy, and be thankful no one's making noises about investigating your old man. Because if anyone did, by damn, they'd FIND something. Also, FUCK YOU, YOU WARMONGERING SLUT. And the filth that sired you, and the toxic womb that spewed you into this world. Fuck you all very, very much.

2. and 3. Nikki Fucking Haley and Will Fucking Folks. Christ, you two, get a room already. Oh wait, you did, and one of you doesn't want to admit it. Well, isn't that special? And isn't that just like the conservatards: Do as we say (abstain), not as we do (hump like bunnies.)

4. Rob Fucking Anders. Because who but a wanker from Calgary West would support our troops with a lovely inspirational message like...this?

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So easy to say when it's not your nose sniffing cordite from the business end of the gunbarrel, eh?

5. The Fucking IDF. Take your pick of the official versions the Israeli military and government are touting; everything they say about their piratical attack on the Freedom Flotilla is indubitably bullshit. But my personal favorite, for now, is this very interesting photo.

6. and 7. Ehud Fucking Barak and Benjamin Fucking Netanyahu. Whenever either of you schmucks is willing to be fully truthful and fully accountable for the actions you took (and ordered the IDF commandos to take), please let us know. Until then, STFU. I've had it to the gills with all this fucking hasbara.

8. Fucking BP. Not only did the "top kill" fail, so no doubt will the "top hat" and everything else they try, including silencing the fisherfolks they're hiring to clean up the mess they made, of which there is no end in sight. Would it kill them to supply those poor souls with proper safety gear? Oh yeah, I forgot...they also had that attitude about blowout protection for the well that started all this. Motherfuckers!

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9. Lope Fucking Mendoza. Should be spelled Lope Mentiroso, since he's lying out his ass. Fedecamaras is STILL trying to foment a coup in Venezuela, and yes, they ARE doing it by urging hoarding of foodstuffs. This is not an allegation, it's known. They do this every time there's an election which the PSUV and other pro-Chávez parties are going to win. They always create artificial "crises" which get huge fanfare but invariably fail to bring about the desired result. But trust ABC to not report THAT; they just get all their "information" from the Fucking Dissociated Press.

10. John Fucking Baird. So much for the notion of Conservatives as fiscally responsible. Apparently they like to cut spending on everything but right-wing special interest groups (bible translators, anyone? They have CIA connections, too!) and repression. On both of those, they spend to put drunken sailors to shame. And then claim they have no control over it. Well, duh. Do addicts ever? They are a menace to public safety. Recommended: Rehab and/or forced institutionalization. That is, if there are still any max-security psych wards left in the country after these bastards cut all the funding...

11. Chuck Fucking Phelps. If you ever wonder why I'm not a Baptist, or any other species of fundie, or even a Christian for that matter, look no further than this fucked-up "pastor", who apparently thinks that rape victims are jezebels in need of a good public shaming. As if being repeatedly assaulted and made pregnant, and then whisked out of the community and out of sight (while the perpetrator was protected!), were not humiliating enough. Churches like that are no place for a woman or girl.

12. James Fucking O'Keefe. Cute kid--he just can't resist the urge to play dress-up. Now, if only he could start being a grown-up for realz, and accept the fact that his side is losing for a reason...

Also, enjoy the Rude Pundit's take on him. Bet it'll make Little Jimmy cry!

13. Tony Fucking Hayward. Sorry, you can't HAVE your life back. And neither can the Gulf of Mexico. Stop whining, stop lying, stop cheaping out, and start fucking apologizing in earnest.

14. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why? Well...

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That's why. She's not only full of doubletalk, she herself doesn't get it: The US's reserves are not sufficient to sustain demand, and will not be no matter how much drilling goes on anywhere. She doesn't get conservation or social responsibility. She doesn't get the fact that environmentalists are the only REAL pro-lifers there are. She doesn't get that it's not having lotsa babies that counts, it's leaving them a world that they can thrive in. She just won't be content until there are no more pristine environments left to rape, and everything is covered in five feet of whipped crude and saltwater. Let's just be glad she's no longer squatting in a governor's mansion; she's about as useful as teats on a bull when it comes to cleaning up messes. (Speaking of messes and cleaning up, Sarah, haven't you got kids to raise? Or is that Bristol's job--when she's not raking it in talking duplicitous nonsense of her own to teens and the media?)

15. Aria Fucking Shaliker. Israeli troops stormed the Freedom Flotilla with paintball guns? REALLY? Wow, that really goes a long way toward explaining all those shots fired BEFORE boarding. And all those corpses that piled up soon after. Oh wait, were those dummies, covered in paint pellets? How fiendishly clever.

16. Peter Fucking Mansbridge. He had every chance to rip into Bibi Fucking Netanyahu, and what did he do? Squandered it all on softballs--and this just hours before his slimy guest fucked off out of Canada, sensing that the shit had hit the fan over Gaza. This is journalism? Smells like chickenshit to me.

17. Jan Fucking Brewer. Defending your fascist state laws by invoking the spectre of your late dad, who died not fighting fascism, but ten whole years later, of work-related lung disease? That's got to be a whole new category of wankdom...or necrophilia. Either way--ugh.

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18. Conrad Fucking Black. Yes, it's been a while since I've mentioned the Lord of Crossharbour Subway Station. No, I haven't forgotten him; it's just that he's been so well looked after (and kept out of further trouble) in Club Fed USA. Only not in his own opinion--which, as usual, is highly embroidered and inflated. He's so hard-done-by, is Lord Blahblah. I wonder--is his wife, Lady Babs of Botox-upon-Siliconia, still so enamored of her Dickensian debtors' prisons, the same that she espoused in an early column? Because if she is, her lordly hubby could stay in the clinker a lot longer. There is some question as to how solvent he will be when he gets out.

19. Mark Fucking Kirk. Twice he lied about his military service record; that makes him a double dickweed. Seems that the latest crop of right-wing Repugs has taken to lying not about their service during Vietnam, but Gulf War II; brace yourselves kiddies, there are plenty more where this wanker came from. (There is also the question of whether he has a wide stance, which would be interesting in light of his party's stand on gays in the military.) Special thanks to my friend Polaris for suggesting this one.

20. Haley Fucking Barbour, again. This week, he earns a spot on the list for being an absolute asshat about the BP oil disaster. Maybe he should learn what it's really like to be covered in oil himself. Who wants to help throw him in the chocolate soup?

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21. Don Fucking Young. Let's throw him in the oil soup of the Gulf, along with Haley Fucking Barbour. Then we'll see if it's "not an environmental disaster", eh?

22. John Fucking Hinderaker. Of course, the pipsqueaky pusillanimous fucking cowards of Powerwhine would NEVER do something as brave as risk their meaningless lives and their pimply necks on the Gaza Freedom Flotilla. Human rights are only for WASPS, not Palestinians--or Turks (including one 19-year-old with dual US/Turkish nationality). Either that, or they're just a Trojan horse for neo-con war schemes that will invariably result in the widespread violation of human rights...much to the Powerwhiners' approval, of course.

23. Eli Fucking Yishai. You can tell he was just itching to get rid of as many Arab-Israelis as possible, and now he's seized on the Freedom Flotilla as an excuse to get rid of one who happens to be a member of the Israeli Knesset. The same who appears here, as luck would have it...demonstrating just how thin the veneer of democracy actually is in Israel.

24. Fucking Dubya. "Yeah, I had him waterboarded, heh heh heh..." The Giggling Killer seriously believes he can get away with murder. Your Barackness, you had damn well better prove him wrong. Prosecute him for war crimes--go on now, you have all the admission you need. Anything else, you know how you can get it out of him, right?

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25. Glenn Fucking Beck. OMG, this is his idea of essential reading? Elizabeth Fucking Dilling, a fucking Nazi-symp who wanted Einstein deported? Get this treasonous asshole off the airwaves NOW!

26. And speaking of anti-semites, meet Fred Fucking Malek. Why aren't all the right-wing Zionists whining about him? Maybe because he's right-wing, too...and working for Sarah Fucking Palin, who can do no wrong?

27. Andrew Fucking Irvine. Yes, he was on the list last week. But I thought I'd include him again, just so you could see Gary Mason clean that sexist idiot's clock with good, hard facts. I bet you'll enjoy that as much as I did.

28. Brad Fucking Sherman. Arrest and prosecute any US citizens involved with the Freedom Flotilla? Wow. What a freedom-loving patriotic democrat. Maybe he should be dropped in Gaza to live as Gazans do, and then tell us nothing's lacking there, and that there is no need for aid.

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29. Jake Fucking Knotts. Hey racist asshole--if Obama is a "raghead", where's the fucking RAG? (And no, I don't believe you were kidding. You're from Kenfuckingtucky. Plenty of fat ol' racists in them thar hills.)

30. Bill O'Fucking Reilly. May I remind you, madam, that those who hate on gays the hardest are actually the ones most likely to have a whole lotta little pink skeletons dancing the watusi in their rather capacious closets?

31. George Fucking Stephanopoulos. I always suspected that Bill Clinton's Judas only got a TV show because he was, well, a disloyal little sensation-monger. So nice to see him going so far out of his way to prove me wrong (she said, dripping snark all down her blouse).

32. Charles Fucking Krauthammer. Yes, of COURSE it's always the antisemitism. No, of COURSE Israel never does anything wrong. Only it's funny, innit, how it's always getting "attacked" by unarmed people, and somehow the "attackers" always end up as bullet-riddled corpses?

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33. Arnie Fucking Lemaire. Oh, spare us your self-righteous hufflepuff about the Holocaust, Mr. Kerosene Cat-Molester. We all know that if there were no Muslims on these shores, you and your fugly little bad-tempered wife would be out there "organizing" a particularly lame comic-operatic local version of the Bund. And getting your sorry asses kicked by some real Germans, Jewish and otherwise. (PS: You and your little ass-barnacles are surely aware that the monkey-god to whom you refer is a Hindu deity? One who could also kick your sorry ass--clear across the ocean to some stone-sucking backwater in the Faroe Islands, where it belongs?)

34. Jack Fucking Layton. Much as it pains me to list him (much more so below the goober listed above), it must be done, because Jack failed to do what had to be done, which was to whip the NDP vote. The long-gun registry matters more than the votes of a few bozos from the sticks who probably think they shouldn't have to register their pickup trucks, either. Pandering is disgusting no matter who does it, Jack. And if they would rush to the arms of the SupposiTories (or the SaskaTories, Bog help us all) over something like this, they were not worth keeping anyway. (And if you're so afraid of their doing that, well...'nuff said.)

And finally, to all the antisemites out there, the real ones: Yeah, Israel just beshat itself majorly this week. Yeah, it's in the habit of doing that, although usually it's less blatant about it. But it's got nothing to do with being Jewish; other countries have done the same thing. Germany, 70-some years ago, being a prime example. And if I get any more comments like this one, I'm going to delete them and ban whoever leaves them, because I'm seriously sick of Nazi shit--old, new, or in disguise under a Star of David.

Good night, and get fucked!

May 29, 2010

Wankers of the Week: No rest for the wanked

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Hooboy! Summer came three weeks early this year, meaning I've been caught scrambling. I got my garden dug, tilled and planted in record time; the wild asparagus is growing so fast that I could be bending over a patch, peering for any shoots still tender enough to pick, and that one rogue spear that was below ground when I started peering would suddenly jump up and jab me in the ass. Yes, it's THAT kind of weather out. Hot, sticky, unforgiving, no rain in the immediate forecast, so no end of the water hose in sight. No rest for the wicked...and no rest for these people who can't get into the garden for playing with themselves, either:

1. Jeff Fucking Owens. Killing fags with a scattergun is okay. So is allowing your own fucking SON to sexually assault kids, as long as the kids are of the other sex. Nice pro-life family values you got there, preacher-man.

2. John Fucking Stossel. He wants the Civil Rights Act of 1964 repealed? I think his job should be repealed instead. Clearly the most useless piece of shit on the tube, after Glenn Fucking Beck and Bill O'Fucking Reilly. If he thinks private businesses should have the right to discriminate, then we as private citizens watching the PUBLIC airwaves should have the right to discriminate, too...against fucking wingnuts like HIM.

3. Rand Fucking Paul. Another wingnut who I hope will face MASSIVE discrimination, this one at the polls...discrimination against racism and stupidity. Canada and Mexico are watching you, Rand...Boogaboogabooga!!!

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4. Fucking Harpo. Ignoring your own minister's advice on funding for maternal-health initiatives in the Third World? That's got to represent some whole, new, as yet unplumbed depth of dumbth. Especially since your anti-choice "base" is a vocal, but stagnant minority, and bound to remain so. Way to shoot your own foot off, Stevie Peevie.

5. Robert Fucking Rodriguez. Using Facebook to slander Iraqi kids (who, fortunately, know no English) with homophobic slurs? Asshole, there's a Facebook group you may want to look at.

6. And speaking of homophobia and militarism, how about that lovely and talented (and deeply closeted) Bryan Fucking Fischer? Nice sophistry there, dude. But in fact, Hitler didn't USE gay soldiers, he PURGED them. Starting with one very high-ranking one who looked likely to challenge his leadership early on. And he did it with the brutality of a straight man. Look up Ernst Röhm if you don't believe me.

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7. Sarah Fucking Palin. A trainwreck with lipstick, that's the Paliness. Accusing Obama of "opium addiction" has got to be a whole new brand of stupid. As has this. If I'm reading it correctly, she's claiming she held Exxon accountable for the Valdez spill. Um, what? This is the "Drill Baby Drill" quitbull we're talking about here. And that spill was before her time even as mayor of fucking Wasilla! She can't even hold herself accountable, much less a big oil company with bottomless pockets.

8. Marc Fucking Ouellet. Yes, he's made the list again, this time on the basis of sheer irony. Not a word to say about REAL moral crimes like pedophilia, but he wants a debate on the nonexistent "moral crime" of abortion. Prepare to lose, Cardinal Ouellet...your side has been on the losing end of history for decades, if not centuries, already. Shit, what's one more defeat?

9. Jim Fucking Prentice. Good God, man, have you learned NOTHING from the BP catastrophe? Nothing at ALL? There should be NO drilling for oil in the Arctic, or any other offshore location, from now on! And no, we don't think your say-so is enough to convince us that there won't be another Deepwater Horizon.

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10. Tony Fucking Clement. How embarrassing is it when you advocate for RIAA-nasty copyright laws here in Canada, only to break them yourself? And how stupid is it to do BOTH? Not only the law is an ass, but he who shills for it (and other things) also is. And then there's the matter of science and sexism, and Tony once more playing dumb. Why is this man sitting in Ottawa, and not selling used cars in the boondocks? It's not as if we don't have enough national embarrassments already.

11. Andrew Fucking Irvine. No, it's not enough that men virtually own and rule the entire planet; whenever someone insists on opening a tiny little door for a female or two, they have to cry oppression, too. Oh, why don't those meddling women go back to their kitchens and just admit that they will never be as good as the men, and that stay-home motherhood is ever so much more satisfying, nay, the only true liberty? That way, at least this inane yelping about "reverse discrimination" will finally stop...yeah, in a pig's ass it will.

12. John Fucking McTernan. Yeah, blowing sugar up Israel's ass for Jeebus is the perfect way to prevent deep-sea oil wells from blowing out. Silly me for not having seen it sooner! Holy Christ, talk about the depth of the dumbth...

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13. Glenn Fucking Beck. Children of political figures are off limits, unless the figures in question have a D after their names. In which case, they're fair game. (And no, I do not believe his apology was sincere. Nothing he says is, unless by sincere you mean bat-shit crazy.)

14. Fucking Dubya. Yeah, no shit, his wankage just never stops wanking. What he said to Néstor Kirchner, back when the latter and not his wife was president of Argentina, is enough to make any sane person's hair turn white. Then crumble. And fall out.

15. Bruce Fucking Walker. Yes, I was tempted to spell that name with an N where the L currently sits. You would too, if you had to sit through this much silly antifeminist-rightard drivel. Someone please inform him that his beloved harpies, the Paliness and the Coultergeist, are not going to have sex with him--the one because she's married, the other because she's undead, and both because he's not in any position to advance their earnings. And also, that their success owes directly to feminism...because if men like Bruce had their way, these sad excuses for "successful" women would have never learned to read or write, much less get to vote and be seen flashing their gams in public. In fact, stupid phrases like "crutch of nebulous patriarchy" and "the left is, at essence, simply vile" make me almost sorry to be literate myself. Whaddya bet his two asinine books are vanity-published?

16. Thomas Fucking Friedman. While we're on the subject of dreck-writers with asinine phraseology and books no thinking person actually reads, how about this one? Not content to slam Chavecito gratuitously (and groundlessly), now he's moved on to Lula--for daring to be nice to the president of Iran. AND he's claiming that Colombia--land of the "false positive", where the president's own brother is a paramilitary narcoterrorist (along with their cousin)--is a model democracy! No wonder Matt Taibbi's always pantsing him. I just wish Matt would give him a swirlie for not only writing poorly, but for being such a nasty shit behind all the pseudo-clever polemical putzery.

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17., 18., 19, and 20. and 21. Craig Fucking Smith, Fucking "Dodo" (hey, she picked that name for herself!), Jojo Fucking Blue, and Fucking "Rightchik" (Christ, learn to spell, bitch!) and Sandy Fucking Crux. Go, I command you, and read what my soul-sister CK has dug up on that circle jerk that is the Blogging SupposiTories. You will laugh, you will cry, you will have enough time left over to make perfect panini. She reads and satirizes their drivel so the rest of us don't have to, and for that, I am eternally indebted.

And finally, to "kevin", who is so pea-brained that he doesn't know how to capitalize his own name, nor how to distinguish between an economist and the world's foremost linguist, much less engage in a reasoned debate on propaganda. Well, surprise--that's because he knows he'd lose. No wonder, then, that he defecated here when my Noam Chomsky quotation had rolled off the front page. "kevin", like all lowercase idiots, is too cowardly to be seen in the full light of day. But don't worry, Kevin, I fixed that for you. And your shift key, too.

Good night, and give it a fucking rest, wouldja?

May 22, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Breakfast of Champions edition

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Avid readers of Kurt Vonnegut may recognize the above as his self-portrait...or more specifically, his drawing of his own asshole, which can be found in Breakfast of Champions. What has that to do with this? Well, this week, I felt like illustrating my Wankapedia entry with Vonnegut's art. And because I think he'd appreciate that. Kurt Vonnegut knew from assholes. So, with no further ado, here's this week's crop of sugar-puffed little shits:

1. Glenn Fucking Beck. Bawk, bawk, the sky is falling! Good, LET it. Maybe it'll hit you on your fat head and squoosh it. And those of all your fucking NRA brownshirts, too. Then maybe, finally, we can get some peace and quiet. And maybe even no more stupid people running around with guns. But definitely peace and quiet, and better smelling air, too. PS: Bwahahaha. You were saying? PPS: No, really. Bwahahaha.

2. Brit Fucking Hume. If he doesn't know where the oil spill is, maybe someone should dunk him in it. Preferably head first. He doesn't know the first thing about nature, much less its capacity to absorb an oil spill (hint: it doesn't have any.)

3. David Fucking Frum. Let's face it, the US is ALWAYS going to be dependent on imported oil. More offshore drilling won't help them a whit. They might as well learn to deal honestly and squarely with their suppliers for a change. But no, of course the originator of the odious "Axis of Evil" phrase can't admit THAT!

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4. Chris Fucking Oynes. Accountability? Oversight? What are those? When you're supposed to be a watchdog but you've grown accustomed to the life of a lapdog, of course you quit when the shit (or the BP oil rig) has hit the fan.

5. Thomas Fucking Olmsted. No, of course a pregnancy is not a life-threatening illness. But pulmonary hypertension is (it is also currently treatable, but incurable). And pregnancy, which increases a woman's blood volume considerably, can turn that treatable but incurable condition deadly. Clearly this bishop is clueless about those things (well, he's not a doctor!), and just as clearly, his "pro-life" stand is pure hypocrisy. Since when is a woman's life worth less than that of a fetus?

6. Bryan Fucking Adams. Believe it or not, his music used to NOT suck. And I used to like it. Like, back in the early 1980s. Now, he's become the Bono of this side of the Atlantic. Or, sorry, the Paul Fucking Hewson--bigger on charity fundraising appearances than on actually doing the right thing. You can't be a rebellious rocker challenging the powers that be when your lips are crazy-glued to their asses, fellas.

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7. Woody Fucking Allen. Um, where has he been for the past 30-odd years? Hiding in Europe? No, wait, that was his buddy, Roman Polanski...who thus AVOIDED paying for what he did to that girl, contrary to Woody's assertions. (And speaking of things done to girls, Woody, there's the little matter of your former foster-daughter...could that be what prompted this bizarre outburst?)

8. Dale Fucking Peterson. Yeah, making like a crazy, gun-toting hillbilly is a great election strategy. When you can't appeal to people's intelligence, why not aim lower--much lower? Hey...it's Alabama, you're a Repug--go for it!

9. Sarah Fucking Palin. Racist d-baggin' teabagger blows the dog whistle yet again. Meanwhile, Mexicans south of the border have a message for Sawah that I don't think requires any translation. PS: Stay classy, Sarah.

10. Bristol Fucking Palin. Unlikely spokeschick for abstinence, or just the best paid Junior Anti-Sex League prostitute, like, ever? Gosh, it's getting so hard to tell. What's clear is that she's a chip off the old easy-money block. Her mother, too, likes to take a lot of money without really putting it where her gooey-lipsticked mouth is.

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11. Jonathan Fucking Katz. Riddle me this: How does a science-challenged, climate-change-denying, homophobic twat get a leading role (even temporarily) on Obama's Gulf oil-spill cleanup crew? I thought putting right-wing incompetents in charge of disaster response co-ordination was the realm of Dubya and Brownie.

12. Marc Fucking Ouellet. Is it fair to say he's pro-death, pro-rape and pro-incest? Hell, why not--he thinks it's fair to say abortion is murder even if it's to save a woman's life, or to expunge the products of rape and incest from her womb.

13. Isabelle Fucking Bégin-O'Connor. Hey, what a brilliant idea--instead of relying on birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancy, let's just all really stress the fuck out! And if we find ourselves pregnant? Let's just worry ourselves good and sick, and that should take care of everything. Why not--it's worked great for women down the ages, right? That's why no one ever resorted to poison potions, back-alley butchers, coathangers or knitting needles...right?

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14. Pat Fucking Buchanan. We always knew he was a Nazi-symp and an antisemite. The fact that he's still on the airwaves is what's truly shocking. Is it just because he kvetches so much about imaginary commies that he still gets a free pass to be a public voice of fascism? Whatever the reason, this Father Coughlin shit is old and putrid--and so is he.

15. Tim Fucking Hudak. I'm sorry, did someone say something? Oh--YOU did. And who might YOU be? The Ontario Tory party leader, eh? Well, isn't that special. Accusing a Liberal premier of being a "nanny" for not further destroying the public services your buddy Mike Harris decimated back in the day? Gosh, it's like 1995 all over again. Only it's not, since decimated public services killed seven people and sickened over two thousand in Walkerton. Remember that? It was ten years ago this week. I'll bet you don't recall any of that, Timmy-boy, but Walkertonians sure do. A lot of them are still ill, and some are on the waiting list for new kidneys, thanks to Tories like you trying to "get government out of our lives". (And things look no better at the federal level, either.)

16. and 17. Mark Fucking Souder and Tracy Fucking Jackson. In this case, the Fucking is absolutely literal. And they made a video promoting abstinence...TOGETHER. In both cases, they should have abstained.

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18. Stockwell Fucking Day. If you want to be taken seriously by your bureaucratic underlings, here's a little tip, Stock: Try not being so goddamn fucking STUPID. Leave out the folksy crap and start e-mailing individual people more substantively and specifically on key points, so that they get the feeling that you actually know what you're talking about, and they understand that you're talking to THEM. Yeah, I know...not as flashy as showing up in a wetsuit on a jet-ski for a photo-op. But it sure would beat being ridiculed for not knowing which way the Niagara River flows, eh?

19. Thomas Fucking Friedman. Proof, in case anyone needed it, that the New York Times is NOT a meritocracy. Why else would someone so elaborately idiotic get a regular gig in that place, and keep it (and all its attendant caviar) in a time of cutbacks and job losses?

20. Sara Fucking Landriault. How pathetic it must be to be so out of touch with reality that you're going to boycott Robert Munsch's delightful children's books just because the author has admitted that he suffered from drug and mental-health problems, and is now undergoing therapy for them. Sure must suck to be you, Sara...but I bet it sucks even harder to be your kid. I guess they won't be learning much about mental health from you, other than how to ostracize and stigmatize those who aren't "perfect". Precisely the kind of lesson NO kid should be learning!

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21. Naomi Fucking Lakritz. Yep, second time wank-listed (or is it third? Been a while. I don't read her very often, for reasons good: Stopped clock, two seconds a day, yadda yadda.) She starts out sensibly enough, criticizing Wanker #20, but then she fucks it all up by yapping nonsense about Robert Munsch, too. Her angle? She's offended that he would bare his soul. She makes out that he's part of some unwholesome new trend in public nudity-of-the-soul. Well, who held a gun to her head and forced her to look at that stark-nekkid soul and all its purplish dangly bits? Nobody. But she still felt she had to pontificate and stigmatize and ostracize Munsch too, which makes me wonder about her unwritten motives.

As for Munsch, he's not a wanker. He is to Kiddie Lit what Kurt Vonnegut is to adult readers--a treasure trove of wild wit and wisdom and slapstick humor. He's also painfully, endearingly human. He has freedom of speech, and he has chosen to exercise it to a good end. His recent gut-spill should be taken as proof that it's possible to be mentally ill and hooked on drugs, and yet still be productive, creative, and deep-down decent in spite of it. (Stephen King, as I recall, did something similar a few years back. As did Kurt Vonnegut in several of his own essays and novels!) Yeah, I know--too complex for the simple minds of conservatards to process. But that's the way it is. And hey, if it encourages even just one mentally ill or drug-addicted parent or child to get help, it will have done its job. It will have saved a life, and a soul, from the torments of the damned. No thanks to the harpyish maunderings of Ms. Lackwits, of course.

22. Mark Fucking Williams. Oh nice, he likened Muslims to monkeys. Not a bit racist, is he? Oh noes, not at ALL! Way to go, insulting Lord Hanuman. Wrong religion, fuck-ass.

UPDATE: He's now apologized to the Hindus, and gone right out and insulted you-know-who all over again. Fine words for someone whose own religion is most definitely a death cult.

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23. Rand Fucking Paul. Epic fail, named after the pseudonym of the worst US writer of all time. And that's no coincidence--every "libertarian" is really a Nazi, just a scratch below the surface. Let the free market take care of racism? Brilliant. Segregated lunch counters (plus guns) forever! Also, his former spokesman was apparently in Deathtöngue. Along with the KKK. And other fun shit.

24. Satoshi Fucking Kanazawa. So, feminism is to blame for modern women's unhappiness, with capitalism and sexism and all those other unhappy-making isms left (as usual) completely out of the equation? So says the "scientist", and he would "know", of course, sitting as he does in a narrow little cubicle in a narrow little room in a narrow little universe, smirking his narrow little face off and congratulating himself on the virtues of his narrow little mind. I was going to wipe that stupid smirk away with my trusty aluminum Louisville Slugger, but then Regina Barreca very happily, very funnily kicked the piss out of him on the same website for me. And then, by even happier coincidence, I also found this article at Salon.com and this one at Cracked.com, explaining to my complete satisfaction why what's being marketed to women as "happiness" is totally fucking overrated anyway. Being pwned by Cracked sure must hurt, eh Satoshi? But wait, it gets better: The Globe and Mail has an excellent piece demonstrating--scientifically--how being politically active is good for you. Feminism is as political an activity as it gets. And I know for a fact that I've been a lot happier--and guys have liked me better--whenever I let my feminist flag fly. So I'm putting my aluminum bat away now, as my work here ("here" being Satoshi's groin) is done.

25. Katilyn Fucking Grishan. Already pwned at the link, but if you like the smell of hasbara burning late into the Victoria Weekend night, by all means, enjoy. I did promise her she'd be wank-listed, and I always keep my word.

PS: Stupid twat got in a parting shot. I decided to let it pass, so you could all laugh at her with me. Katie, I'm rubber, you're glue. What you wished will bounce off of me...and stick to you. Your anger makes me happy.

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And finally, to John Fucking Josephs. It's been a long time since I've had a wanker commit hyperbolic onanism on my site, and I can't say I've missed the experience of being accused of supporting "child murder" very much. For the record, I consider a child to be someone already born, not a fetus in utero. Also for the record, I don't believe anything is murder without malice aforethought. Neither does English common law. Surely you're familiar with that, living in London as you do, eh John?

But if you insist on using such odious terms, you may want to think about the number of abortions your Sky Pixie does, John. (Yes, miscarriages count. So do blighted ova.) Or merely contemplate that lovely little phrase, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away"; it refers also to abortion. Visit your local cemetery, and make note of how many gravestones you see for persons under 18. Then note how many you see for persons under 9 months' gestation (including miscarriages and blighted ova). And think that one over. I'm sure the correct interpretation will come to you by and by.

Good night, and get fucked.

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May 15, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Bees in the bonnet edition

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How's that saying go: May bees don't fly in December? Or something like that. Yes, this man LITERALLY has bees in his bonnet. Lucky him; he can do something about that. Unlike these wankers, whose bees, though figurative, are sadly there to stay:

1. Rocco Fucking Rossi. "City Hall has left God"? Who saw it go? Did the holy door hit its ass on the way out? What kind of a thump did it make, pray tell? Okay, srsly: Since when was Toronto City Hall a theocracy? Since, oh, never. Look, I'm all in favor of working with religious organizations, up to a point; that point means (a) they have to abide by the laws of the land (no hate-promotion allowed), and (b) they don't get to dictate policy. The Catholic Church (or any of its fundie cousins) doesn't get to make public school curricula anti-abortion, homophobic, or birth-control-free as a condition for helping the poor, etc. Letting religion in the door is the first smear of grease on a slippery slope to exactly that, and many another unholy mess that a public institution should be free from.

'nother thing: Religious displays in the rotunda may be all well and good, but which ones will ultimately pass muster? Somehow, I don't expect to see Wicca represented as one of the "faith communities" that Rossi and others claim they'll be opening the doors to. Never mind that the Christians stole the "Christmas" tree from us greenery-worshipping pagans...

2. The Fucking Teabaggers. I won't yell "Leave Roger Ebert alone!"; he can defend himself just fine (and has done so already). I will, however, say only this: Have you motherfuckers no shame? (I'm glaring particularly hard at YOU, Caleb Fucking Howe. You want ugly, just consult your own mirror. Best comment, courtesy "Facebones": "Be sure to tell your grandkids how you fought tyranny by making fun of a man with no jaw.")

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Shouldn't she first graduate from law school before pronouncing as to what the source of laws should be? Or would that interfere with her (as usual) factually-challenged interpretation of things?

4. Ezra Fucking Levant. Someone please teach this shrieker what reading comprehension is. And how to exercise it on a full book, not just a mildly-erroneous article in the Toronto Star--which, even when mistaken, is still a better publication than anything he ever shat out.

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Time to trade that soggy diaper for big-boy pants, Ezra!

5. Tom Fucking Friedman. Another Johnny who can read but can't comprehend, can't think, and can't write for shit, much less add up two and two. Somehow, no matter how he tries, he always ends up with five. In short, a buttload of neoliberal crapaganda. Big Brother would love him. Too bad nobody else can make head nor ass of what he says.

6. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. Another godbag who wants to turn Toronto City Hall into a Catholic outpost. Jesus Christ, you have GOT to do something with your self-professed followers--your fan club has the biggest bunch of dweebs I've ever seen.

7. Steve Fucking King. Don't ask, don't tell--isn't that the gist of his "advice" for Teh Gheyz? By that token, women should all stay home, and blacks should bleach their skin to look whiter, etc. Yeah, "just be quiet" is a great strategy--just ask the Jews how it worked out for them in Nazi Germany.

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8. Tony Fucking Perkins deserves a dishonorable mention, too. Since when are all gays cross-dressers? Most of the ones I know are either butch, or very guy-next-door, and none of them wear women's clothing except at Halloween.

9. Derrick Fucking Snowdy. He kept us in suspense...for WHAT, again? Oh yeah, that's right...NOTHING. No wonder he's $13 million in debt. I'm guessing that as a private dick, one has to rack up a lot of dissatisfied customers to go that deep in the hole. PS: He pooped on CK's blog, too. He's not very forthcoming there, either--guess that was a preview of things NOT to come. Have a few more laughs at his expense here.

10. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg, again. Seems that tricking people into giving up more info than they want to give is nothing new to the Boy Wonder of Facebook. And neither is mocking them or their concerns. Or direct invasion of privacy, come to that! Such a charming kid. (I foresee an early death by bankruptcy, not all of it financial in nature.)

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11. Elliot Fucking Schrage. "If you're not comfortable sharing, don't." Way to NOT address Facebook users' privacy concerns, dude. Explain to us again why we're supposed to trust so much data to you and Mark. And please speak slowly and loudly, so as to be heard over all the derisive laughter and skepticism.

12. Vic Fucking Toews. He wants to reinstate the word "rape" in our Criminal Code. (The word historically has more to do with property theft than sexual abuse, BTW--just read Alexander Pope sometime.) And he wants "sexual assault" done away with...not because the term is vague, as he claims (it isn't), but because it makes clear that sex organs can be weapons or targets of an assault. And because it's just a tee-tiny tad too inclusive for his adulterous liking, one gets the unpleasant feeling. (The woman he impregnated and got divorced over was a flunky on the Hill. Things that make you go hmmm.)

BTW, this should shock Vic, who is obviously pig-ignorant of a good many things: rape and rapture are cognates. Both come from the Latin word for "to take by force".

13. and 14. Bev Fucking Oda and Rona Fucking Ambrose. Watch this and see why:

Two well-programmed fembots, well programmed to betray REAL women everywhere by talking about unrelated subjects when they can't defend the Tory anti-choice line, and they know it. Easily pwned by Gilles Duceppe, who did it in translation, even. That's why.

15. Helena Fucking Guergis. And speaking of well-programmed fembots, isn't it touching how Helena Handbasket just automatically defends her abusers, instead of sticking it to them like a real feminist would? All Tory women must really be from Stepford. Almost lost in the shuffle is her coyly backhanded admission that yes, Rahim Fucking Jaffer--her husband, the ex-MP for some hick-ass riding out in Alberta--DID use her office as a back door to Parliament Hill...and, most likely, free government money for his shady pals and their busty hookers.

16. Ralph Fucking Klein. Yes, I know he's out of power now. But he's still a wanker for privatizing to (he claimed at the time) cut costs, only to have the taxpayers of Alberta fund his bullshit mistakes--by bailing them out at MUCH more than it would have cost to just keep PUBLIC hospitals open. (He's a wanker for having his own TV game show, too.)

17. Stephen Fucking Harper. Surprise! He's a cold, cynical, political calculating machine. (Like we couldn't have guessed just by looking--or watching Craig Lauzon's very apt, robotic parodies of him.) So what's new? Well, all that God-talk, according to Susan Delacourt of the Toronto Star. Harpo says it's because he had kids, but that's bunkum; I've got two nieces, a nephew, and another little nevvy (gender as yet unknown) on the way, and I don't talk like that. Neither do my sisters and their husbands, who are the parents of said kids. I guess there must be something wrong with all of us, because we just don't believe in deceiving the little ones. And, tangentially, because we don't govern in the name of the CRAP party.

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And finally, to all the fucking wankers who bussed all those Catholic school kids to Parliament Hill for that "massive" anti-choice rally when the kids should have been in school, learning REAL facts. Maybe Ontario's taxpayers should demand their money back (which should only be going into the public school system anyway) and force Catholic schools to charge fees directly to the parents of their students, like they did in the good old days. Clearly that PUBLIC money is being wasted on the teaching of rank superstition in lieu of science and social studies. While we're at it, maybe all Canadians should demand their tax money back--or withhold next year's payment until Fucking Harpo returns what he gave to all those bible translators and other fucking fundies. There may not be a formal church/state separation in Canada, but neither is there a formal church/state connection. Nor should there be. Some of us remember that. Those who don't, have a geranium in their collective cranium. I have one thing to say to all of you:

Good night, and get fucked!

May 8, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Wank never sleeps

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Uh, dude? Money is an inanimate object. You are not. Besides, as Antonia pointed out this week, sleep deprivation is just plain old bad for you. So get some shut-eye, 'kay?

Meanwhile, here are some others who should also give it a rest...preferably for good:

1. William Fucking Kristol. Oh great! He's a "drill-baby-drill"-er. AND he wants to see rigs closer to shore, fucking everything up even more (and faster, since a spill would make landfall sooner)! It would serve him right if Bloody Pathetic decided to plant a dozen or two of them right by his favorite vacation beach, eh?

2. Gene Fucking Taylor. "Not as bad as I thought", he says. "A lot of people are scared and I don't think they should be", he says. Well, shucky darn, it's only a massive amount of oil, fouling a massive amount of seawater, and a correspondingly massive amount of shore, where a massive amount of fishing goes on. So what if local industries and wildlife habitat are ruined? It's not as bad as Gene Fucking Taylor thought, and that ought to be good enough for everyone. Please tell me this intellectual giant is up for re-election this year, I see someone just fixin' to lose.

PS: He looks just like Dubya, but blond. That might explain everything.

PPS: Bwahahahaha!

3. Fucking Americans for Job Security. Basically, they ARE fucking Americans. Up the ass. With bullshit for lube.

4. The Fucking US Chamber of Commerce. Same shit. Different assholes. Well, actually, it's a sodomizing daisy chain. See #3.

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5., 6. and 7. These three murderous little fucking bitches. Fortunately, their homophobic hate crime was caught on a cellphone cam. Especially heinous: They did it on the National Day of Silence, a day when students protest homophobia and the silencing of queer voices--some of them silenced by bullying unto death. According to the victim's mother, this attack was in connection with that. I'm sure these girls thought they were doing just the "right" thing!

8. And while we're at it, let's give a razz-out to the judge, Hendria Fucking Bailey-Lewis, for reducing the charges against these girls. And WTF is this about a lack of evidence? Are cellphone videos not admissible in court in Kenfuckingtucky?

9. Joe Fucking Arpaio. First, this open ally of neo-Nazis bullies the governor of Arizona into signing the racist legislation he endorses; now, not content or appeased, he's looking to take her seat. Here's hoping Arizonans kick him in his!

10. Nancy Fucking Ruth. "Shut the fuck up" on abortion? LIKE HELL we will! Silence=DEATH, Nancy. Didn't you learn that yet? PS: Awesomest inaugural blog entry EVER. PPS: What Pale and Judy said. PPPS: Now look what you've gone and made someone do.

11. Whoever the fuck thinks skinny jeans can't be torn off by a rapist. Oh yes, they can be removed without help--otherwise, as one of the commenters here points out, "If skinny jeans were impossible to remove alone, then nobody that couldn't afford a personal maid would wear them!" (Important factoid: ALL skinny jeans contain spandex, making them stretchy. In other words: Easy on, easy off.)

12. Jenny Beth Fucking Martin. So, there's no racism in the Teabagger movement, eh?

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Funny, Jenny, but I don't believe you!

13. Thomas Fucking Lukaszuk. "Job creation" apparently comes on the backs of minimum-wage-earning women. I'd like to say "Only in Alberta" (where women don't count for cowpatties), but seeing as our current loathsome government largely hails from thereabouts, I have an ugly feeling that bad strategy is about to be exported from the badlands.

14. Lisa Fucking Murkowski. Yeah, pollution and global warming would be GREAT for Alaska. What could possibly go wrong up there?

15. George Fucking Rekers. The thing to do on vacation, if you want to have a gay old time, is to rent a boy to handle your bag. And the two balls in it, too. Especially if you're a screaming closet case who made his bundle peddling homophobia disguised as pediatrics. PS: Oh my, isn't he cute! Yeah, I can totally see why he was hired to carry the luggage. PPS: Lame excuse is getting lamer. Yeah, I really believe it was only "ministering". Is THAT what the closet cases all call it these days? PS: Bwhahahahaha:

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Sorry, George, no forgiveness for YOU. I can't believe you're charging a dollar a pop for that drivel! Is that where you're getting the money to pay that rent-boy? Shame on you!

16. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Guess what, folkies! She's a native of Miami. That explains so much, does it not? Including her odd penchant for putting the stick on the wrong side of her teabagger protest signs. (See photo at link.) Oh, and Vicki? Your little gusano boyfriend's dad wasn't in Evil Wicked Fidel's jail for mere differences of opinion. Assuming he was real (which I strangely doubt, considering the source), he was in for a REAL crime. Like sedition or treason. A lot of Cuban Miameros' daddies are kinky little buggers who are really, really into that sort of thing.

17. J.D. Fucking Hayworth. "Enforcing federal law" suddenly entails writing your own state's repressive, decidedly non-federal legislation. Golly willikers, who knew?

18. Mary Fucking Landrieu. Yeah, that oil leak isn't such a disaster after all. It looks like shiny, rainbow-colored chocolate milk. Won't kill a single seabird. In fact, they'll probably all thrive on it, won't they, Mary?

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19. Dick Fucking Cheney. We just knew the Big Dick would have a catastrophic impact extending way beyond his time in office, and now we know what it is: "...it was Cheney's energy task force - the secretive one that he wouldn't say much about publicly - that decided that the switches, which cost $500,000, were too much a burden on the industry." Well, Biggus Dickus, they now seem pretty much a bargain compared to the cost of cleaning up all that wasted oil, don't they? Maybe you'd like to chip in to relieve BP's "burden" now, since you, your company and your energy task force are in this up to the eyeballs? And since you made such a tidy profit on Halliburton stock while you were still in office?

20. Tiger Fucking Woods. Making an obscene amount of money at golf apparently means that not only does your shit not stink, but neither does the alcohol on your breath. And it also means the cops can't bust you for driving drunk (and/or drugged). Yeah, tell me crapitalism doesn't have its great performance incentives!

21. David Fucking Vitter. He's found something new to soil his diapers about, and its initials are B and P.

22. John Fucking Baird. Does Squealer ever listen to himself? He moans about how the Liberals are supposedly dividing the country, but in fact, he's projecting his own party's strategy--separate the Western country bumpkins from the Eastern city slickers, etc. Considering how many so-called Liberals from the GTA are practically Conservatives from out West by their voting habits, Squealer may want to rewrite his crapaganda--if he's not man enough to take his damnfool accusations back. And of course, we're supposed to shut the fuck up and let this pigshit pass, too.

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(Apologies to any pigs out there who may be offended by this odious comparison.)

23. James Fucking Moore. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again--this time with a battering ram behind it? HELL NO! If you're so enamoured of US digital copyright draconianism, Mr. Moore, MOVE THERE! But don't try to dictate that we follow suit. And while you're at it, watch this YouTube to see how well that's working out for them down there.

24. and 25. Lisa Fucking Raitt and Christian Fucking Paradis. Aw, isn't it cute how obedient these two good little kids are? When Daddy Harpo tells them what to do--or rather, what not to--they don't even bother to ask how high, they just jump! Even if it means obstruction of the justice that's supposed to be coming to Rahim Fucking Jaffer. Ain't corruption and dictatorship lovely?

26. Karlheinz Fucking Schreiber. Finally we know who to blame for Lyin' Brian Fucking Mulroney's accession to power over the head of a decent man:

January 1983 - Schreiber pays to send delegates to the PC convention in Winnipeg to vote against then-party leader Joe Clark. In June, Clark loses the leadership of the Progressive Conservative Party to Brian Mulroney. He later claims that some of the money was given by Franz Josef Strauss, former premier of Bavaria and chairman of Airbus Industrie, an aircraft manufacturer.

[...]

Sept. 4, 1984 - Brian Mulroney is elected Prime Minister of Canada.

Oh yeah, and that was just the BEGINNING of the Airbus Affair. We haven't even touched on the hundreds of thousands ol' Lyin' Brian was paid to keep himself in Gucci loafers--and bribed to buy Airbuses for Air Canada. And can you believe they both, along with the late Frank Fucking Moores, had the nerve to sue reporters for TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT THEM?

One thing I do thank this smug little turd for, though, is showing just how dirty the Tories' underbelly was and still is. Of course, he's a major clump of the dirt that's on it...but he's just one clump. There are others.

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27. Stewart Fucking Rhodes. A right-wing gun nut who thinks he can rally progressives behind him...using a magical blend of fake conspiracy theories and real ones that don't actually apply to the situation as it currently stands? Uh, yeah. Keep dreaming. It's the only political power you're ever likely to reach, dude.

28. Erik Fucking Prince. Just shut the fuck up, and go the hell away. Preferably to die bankrupt and rot in your cracker swamp. Asshole.

29. Joe Fucking Lieberman. "Accidents happen", says he of the BP oil fiasco. Yeah, Joe, I bet your mom said the same thing when she learned she was pregnant with you.

30. Dennis Fucking Prager. It really chaps his ass--and that of all teabaggers--to be called on their collective racism. But hey, if bad presidenting were REALLY the reason they hate Obama, they'd have been calling for Dubya to be tarred and feathered, since he's the one that got this bad ball rolling. Where were they back then?

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Aha. Thought so.

31. Lou Fucking Engle. Srsly, I'm just waiting to hear that he was caught renting a boy in Uganda. Murderous professional homophobes are surprisingly good at that sort of thing.

32. Grover Fucking Norquist. And anyone else out there in the Douchebag Party who thinks that "teabagger" is the new "n-word". Gimme a fucking break--you people were using that term yourselves, BEFORE you knew what it meant in queerspeak. Shall I play it back to you verbatim?

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You used it first. Now stop your fucking whining, you racist douchebags.

33. Dadeus Fucking Grings. Once more, a fascist archbishop feels compelled to blame the victims. Teens are "spontaneously homosexual" and all of society is "pedophile", whatever that means. I think he's trying to blame the young jezebels again, instead of those who rape them. Because we all know priests are celibate until tempted otherwise...and of course, the church can police its own, so it doesn't have to hand its offenders over to that "pedophile" society full of "spontaneously homosexual" teens and cops! (PS: Nice holocaust denial you got there, bud.)

34. Stephen Fucking Harper. This wanker never stops wanking, not even in his sleep. Not ony is he constantly dreaming up new ways to undermine those to whom he is ideologically opposed (ridiculous, potentially disastrous funding cuts being his main method of choice), the goddamned motherfucker has the shittiest taste in music, too.

And finally, to all the above, and to any wankers out there whom I may have missed...Babs here has a lovely little ditty she'd like to sing for all you asshats. Enjoy:

Good night, and get fucked. (Except, of course, for George Fucking Rekers, who really should fall impotent for his god-awful hypocrisy.)

May 1, 2010

Wankers of the Week: M'aidez! M'aidez! edition

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Yes, it's May Day...but did you know where the cry of "Mayday!", as a call for help, came from? Well, it's French...and it simply means "Help me!" It seems especially appropriate as an end to such a fucking disastrous week. Here's this week's list of people whose help should come...in the form of a boot to the head:

1. Stephen Fucking Harper (and all the other fucking Tories behind him). Jean Chrétien talked out of one side of his mouth, due to facial palsy. Harpo talks out of both, due to duplicity. His latest fucking lie? He "doesn't want to reopen the abortion debate" in Canada. Well, maybe that's half true--he wants to close the subject without debate, by banning abortion altogether, and the best way to do that (he figures) is to start overseas, on the backs of Third World women whom Canada is supposed to be helping--but now, thanks to his regressive policies, not anymore. PS: Happy Fucking Birthday, you big piece of shit!

2. Jim Fucking DeMint. Those who rely on government aid are, in Jimbo DeBimbo's words, "drug addicts". Um, the man draws his salary as an elected member of government. Does that make him a pusher--or a junkie himself? Jim, whichever it is, if you really believe in what you're saying, go cold turkey and fucking RESIGN! Drive only on unpaved roads in unincorporated areas, live on an unserviced lot, and if your house catches fire, don't expect any socialist firemen to come along and put it out. Or any socialist cops to catch thieves breaking in. You wanna be a rugged individualist? Hell, go live on a desert island, with no help from anyone, and good luck to you! Practice what you preach. Go on now!

3. Jason Fucking Kenney. In the space of two hours, he banned George Galloway from speaking on our soil...for no reason other than Galloway's open support of the Palestinian people. The excuse? He was "supporting terrorism". I wonder how long it took him to decide that the Coultergeist--who is a far more vocal supporter of real terrorism--was admissible, and her dreck suitable for the ears of a young and impressionable university audience.

4. Joseph Sean Fucking McVey. He only wanted to meet President Obama? How touching. It would have been even more touching if he hadn't tried to do so while heavily armed, in a vehicle tricked out like a fake police car!

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5. Joe Fucking Arpaio. It's no secret that the world's worst sheriff hates Mexicans (and anything else Latino, apparently.) Now he wants to make a cottage industry out of it. There just isn't a word in English loathsome enough to fit him, but I can think of a few choice ones in Spanish, starting with cabrón.

6. Rahim Fucking Jaffer. Suddenly, we know why his wife was booted out of Cabinet, and why he bragged of having a back door to the government (and federal money). He was doing private business right out of her office! So I guess he wasn't lying about all that to his slimy bidness associates, after all.

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. Racial profiling in anti-immigrant legislation is a "myth"? Uh no, actually it isn't. But what IS a myth is that this woman is good for anything other than perpetuating stupid right-wing myths. PS: Sarah, FUX Snooze IS "lamestream". Stop using that word, since you don't know what it means. PPS: Aw, how touching. The Paliness is raising money for a pro-lie group.

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8. Russell Fucking Pearce. People wonder why I refer to those right-wing anti-immigrant types as Nazis? Duh. It's because they just fucking ARE!

9. Glenn Fucking Beck. He's on a mission from God...to make an ass of himself. Not that anyone needs a mission from God to do THAT. PS: Shocked, SHOCKED! Oh, give it a fucking rest.

10. Peter Fucking Munk. There's a word for his type in Latin America: Sinvergüenza. How else to explain his arrogance and out-of-touchness with the people whose countries (eg. Chile, Argentina--among others) he's fucking over? But then again, silly me--he can buy their leaders outright, and anyone who doesn't go along, gets mafia-style threats. In fact, he's even doing it in Canada. No wonder he's so full of bluster.

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11. Tony Fucking Hayward. There's a word he's missing in his vocabulary; the word is accountability. Cheaping out on safety and then blaming others for what you yourself failed to insist on seems to be all the rage in crapitalism today. Oh, and they're arguing with the Coast Guard, too. Stay classy, Bloody Pathetic!

12. Thomas Fucking Van Flein. If you must compare Sarah Fucking Palin to George Washington, why not reference how he came by the nickname of "Old Muttonhead"? (Hint: It had to do with him being better at retreating than he was at advancing.)

13. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. He blames environmentalists for what is actually BP's fault--and that of Halliburton, which conducted faulty "repairs" to the sunken rig? Now we know he never came off the drugs. A pity his doctor hasn't put him on antipsychotics instead.

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14. Stephen Fucking Baldwin. No, Hollywood is NOT persecuting him for his religiosity; it's just recognizing a combination of obnoxiousness and lack of talent for what it is. Save your money for a REAL worthy cause.

15. The fucking lawmakers of Oklahoma. Apparently, re-raping a woman is no problem at all for them, even though their stupid ultrasound tearjerker law has not stopped one abortion from happening so far. And how's this for fucked? You're supposed to get a transvaginal ultrasound, and the doctor is supposed to describe it for you, but accuracy is apparently not required if the fetus is defective. Truth is the first casualty in culture wars, too.

16. Goldman Fucking Sachs. "Shitty" doesn't even begin to cover it, but let's savor what Carl Levin had to say to these Sachs-o-shit anyway:

17. And remember, it wasn't Carl Levin saying it; it was a Goldman Sachs motherfucker saying it. Carl Levin is only reading it back verbatim. So all you prissy, virgin-eared fucking flying monkeys out there can shut the fuck up about his shitty language.

18. John Fucking Wilkinson. Way to spring an unwanted surprise tax hike on us. Way to blame everyone but your fucking self for that!

19. Robert Fucking Rubin. Why is this man not behind bars? Too big to jail, perhaps? He should be sharing a cell with Bernie Fucking Made-Off.

20. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Nobody cares if you don't believe in privacy, dude. WE do. And we don't care what you think is "not a social norm"; our privacy commissioners up here in Canada have other ideas. (Yes, we have them. Evil government regulators, and all that. What's more, we appreciate the work they do to protect us from scammers and highway robbers, even if it IS socialist. Boogaboogabooga!)

21. Whoever the fuck wrote this piece of class warfare. I realize that Wall St. rewards psychopathy; so does the political culture in the US. But still, I would sooner meet Ted Fucking Bundy for drinks than the guy who wrote that e-mail. You, sir, are an arrogant bottom-feeding asswipe, and I hope you end up in jail for what you're doing with the people's money.

22. Ann Fucking McElhinney. In her own words, "You have to see it":

Did you make it through all that? Is your last meal still in your stomach? Mine is, but only barely. Gawd, what a twat. I wonder how much they paid her for that conversion on the road to an oil-soaked Damascus.

And finally, to anyone who ever shouted "Drill, baby, drill". I hope you enjoy what that's led to. I hope you're paying for it. Better still, I hope you're swimming in it.

Good night, and get fucked. With oozy black crude for lube.

April 24, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Holy Terrors edition

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Holy terrors, holy mo,
Forty fuckers in a row!
Hear 'em holler, blast and blow--
No more intro now, let's go!

1. Celestino Fucking Migliore. Yes, let's ignore all the celibates raping all the kiddies, and fixate on the alleged slowdown in population growth instead. To a rational person, this slowdown is GOOD news, because there are already too many humans, and they're fucking up the planet big-time. But not to the Holy See (which should be called the Holy Blinkers, if truth in advertising were applied to it). No, the archbishop says people should be reproducing like rabbits to stave off an economic collapse. I guess he forgets what helped bring the current one about. Get it through your head, dude: We owe crapitalism nothing. And no one has the right to tell us to churn out more babies to be fed into its meatgrinder.

2. and 3. Dario Castrillon Hoyos and Pierre Pican. The latter fails to denounce a pedophile priest and have him defrocked and imprisoned; the former applauds him for it. How fucked up is THAT? To most of us, plenty. To the Vatican, meh...it's all in a day's work to cover up, cover up, cover up, up, UP.

4. Richard Fucking Williamson. It's hard to see how anyone could deny what is so widely acknowledged (and documented) to be real. But logic has never stopped anti-semites from denying the obvious, because they simply don't have it. Still, the Vatican hasn't done anything about him, so draw the appropriate conclusion.

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Deny this, asshole. Oh that's right, it never happened. No pictures exist!

5. Kazem Fucking Sedighi. Catholic clerics aren't the only ones who lack logic, or who tie the most unrelated phenomena together. Iranian mullahs are just as capable of bat guano. Which is why this one, rather than learning some basic science, would prefer to blame "immodest" women for earthquakes and just ignore all the active fault lines running through the land.

6. and 7. Scott and Renee Fucking Baio. I never did like Chachi (he always struck me as the most annoying and superfluous character on Happy Days), and now I know why. Bet Scott's resentful that he's still living on the residuals from that show, having never succeeded at another major thing in his life. No wonder he wants to keep it all to himself, the lazy wanker. His wife's also a real, homophobic piece of shit (and no, I don't mean work--I mean SHIT.)

Best comment at Jezebel: "Can anyone remind me why we're supposed to care what Scott Baio thinks of us again? This is probably more publicity than he's gotten in the last decade." Yep, that about sums it up.

PS: Oh, sweet Jeezus!!! PPS: Canadian prices are higher due to exchange rates, not socialized medicine, you dumb fuck. But even if your kooky assertion were true, it would still be a better bargain than what you're paying for.

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Now you know why I'm not on the tweeter. It's because SCOTT FUCKING BAIO RUINED IT!!!

8. Garry Fucking Breitkreuz. No sense apologizing, we all saw what you did there. And there, too. Asshole.

9. Nathan Fucking Coffey. Excuse me, who wants "free money" again? This woman's late husband worked hard for the pittance he got in the Massey coal-hole, and this 'winger from a stink-tank--funded by the coal industry--dares to insinuate that she's a gold-digger? For seeking compensation for her husband's wrongful death? Where does this fucking man-whore get off...?

10. Larry Fucking King. Now we know why he's divorcing for the eighth time (or is it the ninth? So hard to keep track!): Gotta make room for Mrs. Next. Who happens to be the sister of the current (but not for long) Mrs. King. Word to the wise, sister: If he left her for you, he's gonna leave you for the next one. And don't let that wrinkly old face fool you; this Methuselah will probably outlive all his significantly younger significant others.

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"I'm 'enry the Eighth, I am, I'm 'enry the Eighth, I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door, she's been married seven times before. And every one was an 'enry...so it's 'enry the Eighth, I am, I am--'ENRY THE EIGHTH I AM! (Second verse! Same as the first!)"

Ahem. Sorry.

11. David Fucking Miliband. What good is a pep talk on "great British spirit" if hotels are gouging travellers stranded by the volcanic eruption in Iceland? How about showing some spirit yourself, minister, and cracking down on the gougers instead of telling the stranded to fend for themselves? Or is that too much greatness for you?

12. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Marry Sean Fucking Hannity and have sex with Blotchy Fucking Billo? Look, I don't care if it was a game. The only proper answer, in the case of all three, was KILL!!!

13. Sue Fucking Lowden. Yeah, I'm sure my doctor would just LOVE to take a chicken in lieu of billing my provincial health plan. I'm sure she would just LOVE to kill and pluck it herself, too. What century is this woman living in? Clearly she yearns for the days when even a chicken was more than some people owned, and those who couldn't afford a doctor just curled up and died like good little peons, clearing out the useless eaters and making room for the next crop of excess births.

14. Jonathan Fucking Kay. He can't be bothered to pick up a phone or a newspaper, or log onto the Internet. If he did, he might realize that Antonia Zerbisias didn't "lose a column", she was promoted to the Features department at the Toronto Star, where she now has a greater opportunity to help other "radical leftist" (really, just plain old liberal) voices get heard. Bad, lazy, overly speculative "journalism" (really, just plain old fiction) that can't be bothered to get even a basic detail right--is it any wonder the National Pest, supposedly a daily, is bleeding red ink (and not even publishing on Mondays anymore)?

Oh, and get this. Look at the URL in the linky: "...another-shrieking-voice". SHRIEKING? Well, the National Pest would certainly know from that--its columnists do it constantly. And so do the trolls who squat in its comments sections.

PS: WTF?

PPS: Oh, let us pray!

15. The Fucking State Legislature of Arizona. Did you know it's illegal to appear Mexican in that border state? Yep, institutionalized racism is back, assuming it ever left. Between this latest insanity and that of their gun laws, I can just see lynchings and execution-style shootings becoming commonplace. And surely it will only be a malign coincidence that all the victims will have Spanish names, black hair, dark eyes and brown complexions!

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16. Alfred Fucking Mackey. Yeah, great idea--have everyone running around armed and paranoid, while the local police get cut and cut and cut, instead of being properly funded so they can do their job. (Corporations must have their tax breaks, after all!) This is "small government" for you, with a vengeance. And in the end, it could turn into small populace, too. I'm with Bart: if you don't believe in government, move to Somalia, which is government-free. And good luck to you, whitey.

17. And while we're on the theme of big guns and small government, how about Charles Fucking Riley? His "solution" to the problem of underfunded police and prisons: Get a shotgun and be sure to kill criminals. That way, everyone gets to be a murderer, oh joy! Shoot, who needs cops or jails anymore?

18. John Fucking Nolte. Let's let him explain why he and his ilk are all such fucking wankers:

We're dumb, we're racist... blah, blah, blah.

There you have it, folks, straight from the horse's ass. Thanks, John!

Oh, and here's some more fun. Enjoy bad writing and worse thinking:

You can cut our taxes to zero -- hell, you can gift us with millions in union bribes and make-work jobs -- but for as long as this socialist rampage rampages on, I and every member of the Tea Party will be back, right here fighting you every inch of the way and counting down the days until November of 2010 and 2012.

Wow, what rampage-rampaging bombast. Does he have any idea how stupid he sounds, blowing that crypto-racist dog-whistle? Anyone who knows what socialism actually is, knows that Obama's no socialist (although socialists like me wish he were one; the US could use a good socialist president, instead of an endless array of corporatist lapdogs whose only distinction appears to be whether they wear red or blue collars.) Meanwhile, let's have a poignant reminder of what zero taxes would not give these spoiled wanks:

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Zero roads, zero public infrastructure, zero electricity, and zero public order. Your zero tax dollars at work, zero-brains!

19. And yes, these fucking wanks ARE racist.

20. Sarah Fucking Palin. What is it this week? Oh yeah, she's a Prayer Warrior. Also dork-sadded.

21. Howard Fucking Kurtz. Mindless turd starts out all right...

The political finger-pointing over the Oklahoma City tragedy began even before all the victims had been buried.

...but then he veers off course. The finger-pointing that started immediately after the bombing of the Murrah Building in OKC was at Muslims! And it came largely from the right-wing whores of the media. Disingenuous of Howie to forget that, but then again, he's one of them. So of course he'll write "fair and balanced" drivel like this, instead...

Inflammatory rhetoric can be dangerous. There is no shortage of nuts out there. And yet if we tar with too broad a brush, we unfairly taint those who stridently criticize the administration in power as being somehow responsible for violence. Why did that pilot, ticked off at the Internal Revenue Service, fly his plane into the IRS building in Austin? Is it fair to blame an incident like that on cable or radio talk shows?

There is no question that the Murrah Building bombing helped revive Clinton's political fortunes. He was down in the polls after the GOP takeover of Congress. The day before, he was reduced to proclaiming that the president was still "relevant." Clinton's skillful handling of that moment of national grief sparked the beginning of a turnaround. I don't believe he attacked those who "spread hate" just to score political points, but the benefits of going after right-wing talkers can't have escaped the White House.

...which is pure, irresponsible apologia for those he knows, in his heart, to be behind the latest wave of right-wing, white, Christian domestic terrorism. Just as they were in OKC fifteen years ago.

You whited sepulchre, Howie.

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22. Scott Fucking Brison. Yes, he's back on the shit list, and for the same reason as first time: his irrational bullishness (and bullshit) regarding Colombia. When 75% of the world's trade union deaths over the past year come from one country, you just know that country has a MAJOR labor-relations problem. Crapitalism isn't working out well, so now they're resorting to murder. But hey, why bother with trivial matters like that? Look over there--big bad Chavecito! Boogaboogabooga!

Oh, shut UP, Scott. You know damn well that Chavecito habitually takes the unionists' side (recent, representative example here), and hasn't murdered a one. So hold your damn fool tongue. And quit hanging out with the Colombian oligarchs. You're an embarrassment to Canada already. Do you want to become a liability, too? Tory Lite does not a good Liberal make.

23. John Fucking Ensign. I shall endeavor to squeeze out a few small crocodile tears...damn...sorry, I can't. He thoroughly deserves his ignominious come-uppance. Would that all the C Street bastards got such a spectacular one.

24. Charles Fucking McVety. Newsflash: There's nothing wrong with being gay, and neither is there anything wrong with teaching kids as early as possible to understand and accept this fact. It might even prevent "gay" being used as a playground insult, something I'm sure chafes Chuck's ass pretty damn bad...

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This is probably the only "education" on sexual orientation that he would accept.

25. Clay Fucking Yarborough. He says he's uncomfortable with gays and Muslims holding public office in Florida? Well, I am uncomfortable with bigoted fucking idiots holding public office ANYWHERE. Gee, Clay, connect the fucking dots!

26. John Fucking Roberts. Remind me again: How did someone so blindingly ignorant even pass his law school entrance exams, much less become the "learned" chief justice of the SCOTUS? I've never used a pager, and yet even I know the difference between it and e-mail!

27. Elie Fucking Wiesel. Wanktimonious wankitude can strike anywhere, anytime...but in Jerusalem, it strikes almost continuously. And the people who live there are getting damn sick and tired of it, even if it does come from be-medalled "human rights" (note quotes) fronters.

28. The Fucking State Senate of Oklahoma. Did no one ever tell them that for a woman who is pregnant as a result of rape, a forced vaginal ultrasound is exactly like being raped all over again--or do they know, but just not care? Ditto all the collection of private data. Yeah, tell me again that your "pro-life" laws aren't really just all about corralling and slut-shaming the women. This is so going to a courtroom challenge, kiddies.

29. Jimmie Fucking Walker. And believe me, it took everything I had not to spell his last name W-A-N-K-E-R. Anyone who thinks the notably racist Coultergeist is dyn-o-mite is a servile fool. And one big tool.

30. Scott Fucking Roeder. Can't do the time? Don't do the crime. And don't fucking whine!

31. Don Fucking Blankenship. Yo, asshole: You own the coal company, not the employees. And you do NOT have the right to deny them time off to attend their buddies' funerals (which you really ought to pay for, by rights, since you are responsible for their deaths.) Intimidation is an ugly word, as are the words mafia boss, but I think there's more than enough justification for using them here.

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32. Fucking Standard and Poors. What's this about Massey Coal stock being a "buy"? Are you people out of your friggin' minds? Do you want to encourage bad corporate governance? Or do you just not give a shit what they do, as long as it makes money (for someone other than workers)

33. Fucking WellPoint. Way to make the case for single-payer healthcare, or socialized medicine--on the backs of women with breast cancer!

34. Thomas Fucking Paprocki. Well, this is original: when looking for people to blame amid all the Catholic sex scandals, why bother blaming the perps? Just lay it on the original scapegoat--SATAN!

35. The fucking settlers of Gush Etzion. Pumping raw sewage into the vineyards of Palestinian farmers whose sole livelihood is those vines, is just fucking disgusting. And yes, all the settlers are to blame; that shit came from all of them, no matter who was the coward that opened the valve.

36. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Of course he thinks Bill Clinton bombed OKC. Why not? He's the Pigman, he gets to come up with whatever cockamamie conspiracy theories he likes. And of course, to put the blame where it belongs would be to point the finger back at himself and his own fascist ilk.

37. Terry Fucking Lakin. Birther faces court martial. About fucking time, too.

38. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Children are not puppies? Well, duh. So who said gays adopt just because they want pets? My gay best friend and his partner have two sons, a cat, and a dog. I'd say they know full well how to distinguish between a pet and a person!

39. Kevin Fucking Gaudet. The truth is too "inflammatory" for some pissy little wimps out West to handle? Too fucking bad! Reality is not going to retailor itself to fit conservatives' "standards".

40. Paul Fucking Elam. Newsflash: A male-to-female sex change is NOT "castration". There is a lot more to it than just "a pathological hatred of a particular sex, in this case male", and it is NOT the product of a mental illness, either. And "male studies" is not an "unwanted penis", it's the academic glorification of institutionalized sexism. But I don't expect a dumbass like this writer to understand those subtleties. He's one of those guys who think that feminism promotes hatred of men (where? where? I haven't seen any.)

And that about wraps it up for this week. Did I miss anyone? No? Well, let's revisit Chachi for a moment...

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Buonanotte, e vaffanculo!

April 17, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Spring wingnuts edition

Ah, spring...wingnuts in full bloom. I don't know who those women in the video are, but the one in yellow (how fitting!) has obviously disguised herself. And no wonder: she's uttering death threats. Crude, cowardly, nasty death threats. Death by torture, no less. See how sad it is when you stand for nothing and fall for anything? You have to disguise your identity so your embarrassing mistake doesn't come back to haunt you...like, say, at a job interview.

Anyhow. On with the weekly wankapedia. Most of these wingnuts do have names, and I hope their shame haunts them for as long as they live.

1. and 2. Preston Fucking Manning and Allan Fucking Gregg. Whenever a conservative politician teams up with a conservative pollster, look for wankage to ensue. And in this case, it's the founding fucker of the "Reform" party looking to social-engineer with a little help from his SupposiTory pollster pal. Won't work; Canada is a LEFT-leaning country, and has been for decades. Go figure, we like what progress has given us, and we do not think the age of the US robber barons is anything worth calling "golden"!

3. Haley Fucking Barbour. Last week it was Bob Fucking McDonnell, denying the importance of slavery in a month devoted to the history of a confederacy whose sole reason for existence was, well, you guessed it. Don't any of these proud southern governors know their own history? Or is there some kind of active obscurantist agenda going on? (I know which option I'm voting for.)

4. Carl Fucking Paladino. Surprise! Teabaggers who "agree 100% with conservative values" are bestial, porn-wanking racists. Well, all right, NOT a surprise in the slightest. And neither will this one's political losses be. They just can't come soon enough!

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5. Giacomo Fucking Babini. Once more the ugly old "Christ-killer" meme rears its warty head. Yeah, smooth move...when it comes to pedophiles and other sexual abusers in the Catholic church, just blame the "Zionist conspiracy" of the Jews!

6. Felipe Fucking Arizmendi. Smoother move: Blame porn and the TV.

7. Bernardo Fucking Alvarez. Even smoother move: Blame the slutty kids.

8. Tarcisio Fucking Bertone. Smoothest move of all: Blame the fags!

9. The Fucking Vatican. Ringo Starr doesn't give a piss for its "absolution". And in light of all the sex scandals (and blame-gaming), who can fault him for that?

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10. Don Fucking Blankenship. Yes, His Wankenship is back for the second week in a row. Why? Because he not only disdains safety regs, he also thinks environmental concerns around global warming are, and I quote, "silly". Even funnier, he's scared to death of little green people--get that man a straitjacket! Not that we expected anything different from a lunatic swinebag who made his ill-gotten bundle from coal, but still. Crazy people have no business running a business, don't you agree?

11. Sonny Fucking Thomas. I do not think the words the Bee Gees used mean what he thinks they mean. Or what he later claimed was just a malign coincidence. Also, that White Pride shirt makes him look like...well, like he just made poopy in his pants. PS: Sorry, Sonny, but what has been seen cannot be unseen.

12. and 13. Mary Fucking Dawson and Gail Fucking Shea. Are they in bed together? If not, why so hush-hush?

14. Sarah Fucking Palin. So fucking stupid, even 60% of the teabags don't want her for president. And these are people dumb enough to take Wankenship's money for their rallies. That's pretty damn pathetic, no?

15., 16. and 17. Gary Fucking Lunn, Judith Fucking Larocque and Ward Fucking Elcock. So, this is what the Tories did during their three-month vacation prorogation of Parliament. They spent our money like drunken sailors on luxurious Olympic perks, just as we knew they would. Hey people, you planning on paying any of that back? Because the rest of the country is certainly planning on getting it back.

18. Stephen Fucking Jaeger. Facebook stalkers aren't just a joke anymore. Some, like this one, are all too real.

19. Rod Fucking Bruinooge. Yes, he's back on the wank-list, and back for another black eye from me. Rod, unless you also include coerced childbirth (which is way more common than coerced abortion) in your bill, you can kiss that motherfucker GOODBYE! (And your ass, too, while you're at it. Bend over, dude.)

20. Whoever the fuck joined this dumb-ass Facebook group. Or who would contemplate joining. Rape is NOT fun. And not funny, either.

21. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Someone please tell him that the Paliness is irrelevant. Even the teabags don't think she's qualified to be president of a pop stand, much less a country. Come to think of it, neither is he...and he's irrelevant, too. Hey, how 'bout that coinkidink?

22. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. I have no idea what he's trying to say. But it sure sounds ugly, and nasty, and like he's calling for an uprising. Also like he's trying hard not to hiccup or slur. If only he would try hard to think instead of drink, he might actually find he has something real to say...and it would probably come out sounding something like, "Damn, was I really THAT stupid when I was drinking?" And all his AA buddies would say something like "Yes...yes, you were. And you're damn lucky they didn't arrest you for it."

23. and 24. Charles and David Fucking Koch. Their money finances teabaggers and "libertarian" (note the quotes) stink tanks so they can claim that Obama is the next Castro, Stalin and Mao all wadded up into one. Yup, that's wingnut welfare; wealth redistribution at its "finest" (again, note quotes). But wait, it gets better. Know how the Fucking Koch Brothers came by the inherited fortune that finances all this crapitalist claptrap? Their grandpa sold oil to good ol' Joe Stalin himself. Guess it's not communism when crapitalists do it!

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25. Faytene Fucking Kryskow. Until today, I had never heard of her. Wish I still hadn't. She's an awful, sticky-sweet God-botherer who has ambitions of "controlling the media", and expects us all (especially us women) to stick our necks in the noose in Jeezus' name. Yuppers, she's a yucko. But damn, doesn't her name just so lend itself to jokes about hair-care products made from hydrogenated cottonseed oil?

26. Nathanael Mark Fucking Plourde. Bad enough that he plotted to kill a woman (by beating) he didn't know how to break up with. Worse still, he got said woman pregnant first. Hey asshole, if you didn't want a relationship with her, why'd you fuck her? Is the word "no", or the phrase "no, thanks", not in your vocabulary? Or does the little head always have the last word with you feckless morons? Anyway, thanks to you and your dick (and your dickishness), the Fetus Fetishists now have their knicks in a knot, and are trying to sneak a back-door anti-abortion bill through the House of Commons--under the pretext of "protecting women", which it wouldn't do worth a dime. But damn, it's great red meat for the woman-haters, isn't it? Thanks a pantload, you gormless murdering fucker.

27. Andrea Fucking Lafferty. Only in the sick, deviant mind of a right-wing "family values" pervert would a bill forbidding gender- and sexual-orientation-based discrimination at work be construable as carte blanche for sexual molestation (and various other ooky practices.) Given how much these "family values" types harp on the subject, and with what energy, I have no choice but to conclude that they are all fantasizing about all those things, all the time. And it makes me want to protect my nearest and dearest...from THEM.

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And finally, The Fucking Teabaggers. Yes, all of you. Have you checked your taxes lately? Don't come back here, or kvetch about your president, until you do. Better still, don't kvetch at all. You have nothing to be angry about, yet you're angry all the time! You plainly don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Maybe you should just stop talking. As the old saying goes, better to keep your mouth shut and have people wonder if you're an idiot, than to open it and remove all doubt.

Goodnight, and get fucked.

PS: Didn't see this until after I published the entry. What say we toss Rush Fucking Limbaugh down a volcano, as a sacrifice to Pele? Or would She reject him onaccounta he's too old, fat, blemished and stupid?

April 10, 2010

Wankers of the Week: April Tools!

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Ah, April...time to get back into the garden and start tilling and digging. But first, you have to haul out your tools. And these wankers are not the sharpest tools in the shed:

1. John Fucking Kyl. Corporate tool par excellence. To all you right-wingers out there who voted GOP because you thought these bigwigs would stand up for the freedom of little guys like you, you can now burn your voter registrations along with all your silly illusions. All they really care about is the corporations, who do not give a damn about you, never have, and never will. Sticking up for the little guy is "overly ideological", didn't you know? Stupid peons.

2. Rex Fucking Rammell. Another gun-toting tea-doucher who apparently thinks it's okay to hunt humans, as long as they're dark-skinned and/or democratically elected. I would hope that such sentiments (and his frankly disturbing "militia" ties to the Hutaree terrorists) would hurt his chances of ever being elected himself, but he's from Idaho. Hello? Aryan Fucking Nations country? Hell, they'll practically canonize him there.

3. Tiger Fucking Woods. It's hurtful and ugly enough to lie your ass off so you can boink a whole bunch of blondes who are not the blonde you married. But to take a steaming dump on the head of your own kindergarten teacher, claiming she "basically did nothing to stop" a racist incident that never happened, while you were clawing your way to the top in the image of a squeaky-clean guy shattering the color barrier? That's just low. And it's also bringing the racist teabaggers out of the woods in droves, pointing fingers and saying that it's in the nature of Those People to lie, and it proves that Obama and John Lewis and God only knows who all else are...well, you get the picture. Smooth fucking move, Ex-Lax.

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PS: Exhuming your dad is pretty damn low, too. All I could think of while watching that ad was how he taught you everything you know, all right...about philandering.

4. John Fucking McCain. So mavericky, he's now NOT a maverick, and claiming he never was one, even though he's on record as saying he was one! I have no choice now but to conclude that "maverick" means "crazy old right-wing flippity-flopper".

5. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. All that racism you've been assiduously fanning over the past--how many decades have you been polluting the airwaves now, Rush?--is suddenly fake. Uh-huh. I'm still waiting for you to move to Costa Rica, Pigman.

6. Dan Fucking Quayle. Remember when he was moralistically scolding Murphy Brown--a fictional TV character--for doing what Repugs want all pregnant-out-of-wedlock women to do, namely stay preggers even if it's really a bad idea? He just outdid himself for Teh Stoopid. And that's pretty damn hard, considering he's the man who can't spell potato.

7. Sean Fucking Hannity. Who the hell idolizes an executed domestic terrorist? The Baby Jeezus does! I knew he was brain-dead, but this really takes the biscuit.

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7 1/2. Anyone who'd cheer at being likened to an executed domestic terrorist by the Baby Jeezus is also a fucking idiot. Quite possibly a bigger one than himself, and that's really saying something.

8. These fucking horndogs here. Feminism? What's that? Oh yeah, BOOBIES!!!

9. David Fucking Brooks. Yes, he makes the list again this week, this time because of his inanities about "moral materialism", whatever the fuck THAT's supposed to mean. From the context, I infer that it means crapitalism must be good because it clutters our lives up with...stuff, I guess. If that sounds insufferably vague and idiotic, it's because Brooksy's insufferable vagueness and idiocy got to me. Sorry.

10. Scott Fucking Southworth. Teaching kids how to protect themselves against STDs and unwanted pregnancy leads to rape? Only in the minds of puritans. In reality, it leads to lower rates of teen pregnancy and STDs, and even delayed onset of sexual activity. Oh, the horror! Safer sex means safer kids, imagine that!

11. Bob Fucking McDonnell. How could something which was the whole cause of the Confederate secession be omitted from mention in a farcical "History Month" dedicated to Confederate history? Well might he apologize--after the fact--but I think this omission was deliberate. There's been a lot of right-wing obscurantist rewriting of history in the US South lately. And let's not forget the Gubnor's own damning declaration, earlier, that slavery was "not significant enough". Hello? The right to legally OWN OTHER HUMAN BEINGS isn't sufficiently "significant" to mention? Way to minimize the real Confederate history, you cracker wanker.

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12. All the self-righteous fucking wankers who organized and attended that private prom in Mississippi. There are no words ugly enough to adequately describe you or your actions. So I'll just say this: I hope that those who are not sincerely ashamed of their actions and/or making amends already, may you all get shunned, rejected and laughed at wherever else you all go, for all the rest of your days. May you get back a thousandfold what you dished out to those seven young people you so spitefully decided to exclude. Maybe then you'll get a taste of the hell that ostracized people have to live in, every day of their lives. There's still time to repent and make amends, of course. And if you are REAL Christians, as you claim to be, that's what you will do. No ifs, ands or buts.

And while you're at it, you might also want to make amends to this former classmate of yours, who I'm sure would welcome the knowledge that some people have thought twice and decided to come out on the side of humanity.

13. Rahim Fucking Jaffer. I don't know what's funniest here--the booze, the coke, the drunk-driving, the shady bidness buddy...or the busty hookers (read: IMPLANTS). Oh wait, I forgot the REAL funniest part: Your big mouth. And that of your hooker-loving pal.

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Sucks to be YOU, dude.

14. Helena Fucking Guergis. Wow, where to start with Mrs. Rahim Fucking Jaffer? There is just so much hinkitude about this woman, it boggles the mind. Tantrums in airports, million dollar mansions with no apparent down payment, phony letters of support, hubby caught with coke in his pocket after a boozy dinner with a crooked pal and busty hookers...and we may not have heard the worst of it yet! An RCMP probe promises to be juicy, but it's the final graf in this story that really grabbed me:

Mr. Jaffer, once a young star in the Conservative caucus, lost his Edmonton seat in the 2008 election. He married Ms. Guergis the next day.

Dang, girl, how's it feel to know you were the fallback position? I wouldn't stand for that, but then, I'm a real feminist.

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Sucks to be YOU, too.

15. Bill Fucking Donahue. Dumbest. Quote. EVER. (Not that anyone expects better out of this disgusting old rape-apologist.)

16. And speaking of disgusting people, how about that Newt Fucking Gingrich? His latest damp squib: Obama is too lean and fit to be president! Well, of course he would be. Everyone knows that Newty's ideal candidate would have been old, white and heart-diseased, like The Big Dick. Or his own corpulent self.

17. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yes, Harpo's at it again. His latest bit of shitbaggery: Not allowing bathroom breaks for female reporters. At this rate, you just wish one of them would squat over his shoes and show him how she really feels about that.

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18. Whoever the fuck writes the National Fucking Pest's fucking idiotic editorials. Fortunately, they got set straight by a reader who pointed out just how fucking idiotic they are. Not that it will make them do any better next time 'round, alas.

19. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yeah, we kind of guessed she wouldn't be big on science. She's stupider than shit, after all. But "snake oil"? Damn, girl, you need to re-examine the roots of your fundie religion. There's an awful lot of snake-handling in there, and I suspect it's got a lot to do with oil, too.

20. Bristol Fucking Palin. Yes, she's fair game now that she's thrust herself--AND HER BABY--into the limelight as a spokesperson for abstinence. Bristol speaking for abstinence is like screwing for chastity...oh wait, it IS screwing for chastity! She's fucking with our heads. In the name of chastity.

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Like mother, like daughter. Wankishness perpetuates itself on down the generations.

21. Bart Fucking Stupak. Best thing he ever did was retire. Pity he couldn't do it BEFORE playing hell with healthcare reform, and using women's bodies as his bargaining chip. Motherfucker, literally.

22. The Fucking "Male Studies" wankers. Not only do they hate women, they also haven't the first clue what feminism is all about. If they think it's about hating men, I have sad news for them. I'm a feminist, and I LIKE men. It's sexists--and those who use bogus "science" to justify sexism--that I cannot abide. And if they have a problem with that, they're gonna find themselves in real trouble trying to get dates to the Formal.

23. Don Fucking Blankenship. Rhymes with Wankenship, and that's no coincidence. He should be in jail for murder, but what do you bet he'll get off scot-free...and maybe even vote himself a tidy raise while he's at it? Because I'm sure he doesn't give a shit that his lobbying for ever-laxer safety laws are directly responsible for the deaths of all those miners in HIS filthy holes.

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And finally, to two very special little boys who obviously get to school on a short bus. First, to "Fergy", a.k.a. "ruralcounsel", who was kind enough to leave me his e-mail when he made poopy here. You're a goddamned sorry excuse even for a coward, but fortunately, I won't let you hide behind the wall of anonymity that is the Internet. I'm gonna make sure everyone gets to reach you and share with you their love. Maybe they'll teach you something that you clearly don't want to learn. And perhaps the Shoreham Telephone Company in Middlebury, Vermont, would care to hear how you've been abusing their service? That, too, can be arranged...so don't try my patience.

And then there's Jake Fucking Pearson. You picked the perfect place to out yourself there, dude. You are most certainly a wanker! And a BULLY, too! Tsk, tsk. Must be a closet masochist to ask for it like that.

Pity I don't play your games, Jakey. Had you bothered to read my About page, you would have seen that I operate here on the baseball rule: Three strikes, you're out. You had three chances to be rational and intelligent, and you blew them all. Actually, considering that your first post here was nothing but insults, you can count yourself lucky I didn't flush it from my spam filter automatically, as such abusive posts actually deserve. So you have no right to whine that I'm being unfair to you. You only get to post here on MY terms, not yours. Your freedom of speech ends here when you abuse it to abuse me. And if you persist in trying, you'll be IP-blocked at server level so I no longer even have to look at your shit before I flush the commode. I'm a closet sadist that way, I guess.

Good night, and get fucked.

April 3, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Crappy Easter!

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Looks like chocolate bunnies aren't the only things I'm gonna be taking big bites of this weekend. Guess who's getting butthurt this week, kids...yup, it's a whole nest of wankers!

1. Daniel Fucking Katsnelson. As if having the gall to go raping his way through a university dorm with a buddy wasn't enough, how's this for chutzpah at his criminal trial?

"Now maybe she will know to keep her doors locked," Daniel Katsnelson said in a statement read Friday in court.

He said he "hoped the victim would be able to take away something positive from this," Crown attorney Andrew Locke quoted Katsnelson in reading from a pre-sentencing report.

Dude, how 'bout you and your fucking pal take away one positive thing from this--like being thankful none of those women went after your 'nads with a knife? That would teach you to keep them out of rooms where you didn't have any right to be. Because that's what you'd have gotten if you'd assaulted me. And that's what I hope you get when you get out again.

2. Nick Fucking Levasseur. Dude, if it weren't for the US presence in Japan, they probably wouldn't even have anime. You might as well wish your country had nuked itself instead. The Japanese undoubtedly do.

3. Michelle Fucking McGee. Yes, she makes the list again this week, this time for misplaced self-righteousness and sheer asininity. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone"? Well, all right. Since I don't chase married sleazeballs, don't have Nazi tattoos (or any other kind, for that matter), don't use children's fridge magnets to spell out white-supremacist sayings to warp young minds (I don't even have kids!), don't earn my money through shakedowns, and above all, don't sulk and pout over the backfiring of a scheme gone agley (because I don't scheme), well--I'm a-castin'. PS: Nice tweeter handle, Michelle--it suits you. PPS: Nice disingenuousness, too.

4. Michael Fucking Steele. Bad enough that the RNC's Uncle Tom likes to go to bondage-themed strip joints on the donors' dime, but did you know he was into scapegoating, too? That's seriously kinky. No wait, make that PERVERTED. Even kinky people find him nauseating. And what's this I hear about a phone sex line?

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5. John Fucking Ivison. Sexist much? I'm no big fan of Blondoleezza, but I don't see you snarking at any male politicians who "harangue" their wives. Maybe because men haranguing women is so, um, normative. How 'bout criticizing Hillary Clinton on legitimate grounds, for a change--like her inept continuation of BushCo's foreign policy?

6. The Fucking Fraser Institute. Climate change is really happening, and yes, human activity is to blame--but guess who Big Oil and Big Pollution are paying to issue elaborate denials of the blindingly obvious? Yep, the usual right-wing bête noire. There are no words to express the depths of my loathing.

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. If the bloggers' rumors are true, then yet another of her charmingly named offspring has demonstrated, once more, the kind of moral character that comes of a conservative mother's tutelage. Namely, one that is very adept at covering up for one's multitude of sins.

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And of course, we just love those conservative values, which were so evident already when the Paliness herself was but a young slip of a thing...I mean, would Jesus want his mother to go around in a shirt like this?

8. Helena Fucking Guergis, yet again. What is it about her that inspires such touching loyalty in her staffers that they roll out the Tory-blue astroturf for this woman? I have no idea, but if she bottled it, I bet she could make a fortune from fellow Tories with a long trail of stench to cover up...like, say, Harpo's ideological penchant for making women, especially those at the bottom of the totem pole, totally invisible.

9. Aubrey Fucking Levin. I hope he goes to jail for the rest of his unnatural life, and I hope he gets lots of electroshock while he's there. To his genitals. That is, when he's not locked up with a big gay black dude who's totally hot for his saggy old bod.

10. Whoever the fuck thinks it's a good idea to go tasering pregnant women just for failing to sign a parking ticket. Another stun-gun to the genitals, coming right down!

11. Whoever the fuck thinks a "game" based around rape (as retaliation for an imaginary accusation of molesting girls on a train) is just harmless fun and should not be subject to crackdown.

12. Jean Fucking Charest. Isn't it embarrassing when even arch-conservative Alberta is an easier province to be a Muslim woman in a niqab than the presumably liberal Québec?

13. Ross Fucking Douthat. Yes, let's blame everyone in the Catholic sex-abuse scandal EXCEPT those who are actually guilty--namely the priests who did it. As though sex abuse didn't happen BEFORE there were hippies, promiscuity, Vatican II, psychotherapy, and all that other unrelated stuff that conservatives so love to blame for the "moral decline" which, in fact, was there from the very beginnings of the church. When will we hear patriarchy and its absurd, obscene power-lusts blamed? Ross? Ross?

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14. Tina Fucking Stone. Next time, before whipping yourself into a frenzy over any given bill, how about reading it first? Or is comprehension too much to ask of the inbred yokels of the backwoods?

15. Alex Fucking Knepper. Because drunken college women apparently just rape themselves. And because assholish frat boys would never get laid unless some girl looked at them through beer goggles. Yeah, Alex, you're gonna be really popular on campus for your little squib there. Better pray nobody bobbits you while under the influence. Because if anyone did, I'd say YOU asked for it. And if you don't like my saying that, then get it through your young, dumb head: RAPE IS NOT SEX, IT'S VIOLENCE. AND THERE IS NO SUCH FUCKING THING AS "IMPLIED CONSENT"!!! You say you wanted clarity? There it is, straight from a woman. Now STFU!

16. Jean-Claude Fucking Rochefort. Excuse me, but how is calling for the murder of women on your shitty blog NOT misogyny? Idolizing a mass-murderer of women is "not a danger to women"? If that's not, then what is? Let's face it, "masculinism" is nothing but a clumsy, graceless eupehemism for a fucked-up hatred of all things female.

And no, feminists did not "make a hero of" Marc Lépine. He was never a hero to anyone...except fucked-up male chauvinists who would like nothing more than to see women disappear from the public sphere. In other words, assholes like Rochefort.

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17. and 18. Hélène Fucking Morin and Guillaume Fucking Langlois are also complicit in this bullshit. Anti-hate laws don't protect women because we're not a minority? WTF??? Women may not be a minority, but we ARE the largest group discriminated against in this country. We are also the largest group to be murdered simply for being born members of a group. Fuck you both for helping to perpetuate gender-based killings, you walking embarrassments to society.

19. David Fucking Brooks. Way to offer false dichotomies. But only to women, naturally. Sexist much? Here's the choice I'd make, Brooksy--if it had to be between my career and some douchebag with a madonna-whore complex who thinks I should stay home and suck his cock all day, I'd pick career...and then go find a good-looking guy who would love me all the more for pursuing that, and isn't so goddamned insecure about his manhood. Suck on THAT!

20. Paul Fucking Crouch, Jr. Heterosexism, homophobia, porn, indecent advances...and heaven only knows what else. How Christian!

21. Jack Fucking Cassell. I predict that this one will soon be known as "Jack Asshole", or just plain old "Jackass". Should have his medical licence revoked. Capitalism is a violation of the Hippocratic Oath!

22. Jesse Fucking James. Shock value, schmock value. If it dresses like a white supremacist, salutes like a white supremacist and schtups a white supremacist, quack quack quack!

23. Raniero Fucking Cantalamessa. Bad enough that the Vatican can't police their own, preferring to sweep clerical sexual abuse under rug after rug after rug. But even worse? They claim that they're being persecuted when their unclean sweeping habits get criticized. Persecuted like whom? The Jews. Oh no they didn't! Oh yes, they did. And the Jews are not impressed.

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24. Bill Fucking Donohue. Blaming Teh Ghey--it's how Catholics cover up their multitude of sins. Because straight men never abuse girls, especially not if they're priests and the girls are parishioners--right?

25. Bill O'Fucking Reilly. False equivalence--it's how the Right covers its multitude of sins. Because the Left has done all those same awful terroristic things that have made the news in the US lately. RIGHT?

26. and 27. Sean Fucking Hannity and Ollie Fucking North. Twenty years ago, Ollie got caught in a lie. Twenty years later, he's still lying. And neither he nor Hannity support the troops in any real sense. In fact, they're both still doing what they do best: robbing them blind like the fucking charlatans that they are. Hey Ollie, maybe you can get Fawn Hall to smuggle the evidence out in her skirt like she did last time she took a bullet for you, you fucking scumbag.

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28. Sam Fucking Kennedy. A "war college strategy" that purports to take over the nation without civil war? Um, FAIL. This "Guardians of the Free Republics" shit is just more crazy-ass anti-tax Freeperville bullshit, mutated. If they claim to have military backing, their intentions are not peaceful, but rather, their statements are a veiled threat. Do they seriously think the people of the US are onside, much less willing to let their strange strategy go down without a fight? Of course they aren't, damn right they won't, and that's why the FBI and the DHS are probing them as a potential terrorist threat.

29. Ewart Fucking Cummings. The least you could do, when a teenage girl dies as a result of your benighted efforts to cure her convulsions through superstition, is to be humble and admit that you were wrong, and not say dumbass things like "I did nothing wrong," and "Ungodly people would not understand certain things like driving out spirits." Dude, the girl is dead, and your ignorance and superstition are responsible for her death! It seems to me that the one who does not understand is YOU.

30. Terry Fucking Lakin. Another doctor gone bad. Joining the Birthers and defying military orders? Wank, wank, WANK. Tell ya what, why don't you produce YOUR birth certificate? That might inject some levity, if not relevance.

And that's it for this week; no personal wankers, what a relief. After all this wankage, I think I'd end up looking like this if one of those came along:

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Good night, and Crappy Easter!

March 27, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Out with a slam

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Ever have one of those days when you just wished the door would hit somebody in the ass on the way out? It's been one of those weeks for me. So, as we prepare to slam the door on this week (and the month of March, which shows no signs of becoming lamblike yet), here are the people for whom I devoutly hope it will hit 'em where their mamas done split 'em:

1. Ann Fucking Coulter. Yes, folks, the Coultergeist was in my home and native land this week, shooting off her psycho-bitch mouth over everything she knows nothing about. Heaven only knows why, since she's not popular here (even with the lunatics!), and if she had to rely on box office, like anyone else not performing on wingnut welfare, it wouldn't net her enough to buy her hourly fix of crack, much less pay her poor beleaguered shrink. Little wonder, then, that she preferred to remain a no-show at her Ottawa appearance; it's easier to booze it up at a $250/plate private fundraiser than it is to try to scare up 400 peons to hear one's irrelevant squawkings at a "bush-league" university, eh Chicken Shit Annie?

1 1/2. Ezra Fucking Levant. It's rather touching how enthusiastically he shills for a woman who hates Jews so much. Normally he's all about "free speech for me, but none for thee." But then, he and Ann both hate the Muslims (who will never be "perfected" like herself), so of course it's all water under the bridge, eh Ezra?

BTW, check out his blog's disclaimer:

"This organization is not a registered non-profit organization. Donations to this organization are not tax deductible for federal income tax purposes."

Translation: Don't bother donating a cent. It's all gonna be wasted on HIM.

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2. Ariel Fucking Braun. Why the no-show at a meeting specifically meant to hold him accountable? No one knows. Maybe this op-ed can offer some clues. (It misspells his name, but it's v-e-r-y interesting.)

3. John Fucking Baird. See above, and add a resounding WE DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!!

4. Michelle Fucking McGee. Her tattoos spell out LYING NAZI SLEAZE QUEEN, what else?

5. Rick Fucking Dykstra. Anti-conservative and anti-Bush equals "anti-American". Um, what? Why isn't that bad meme dead yet? Oh yeah. It's because wankers like this one keep flogging it! PS to Rick: Stop having sex. Even with your hand. Practice what you preach, dude!

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6. Randy Fucking Neugebauer. To hell with "order and decorum". Old men just plain have no business telling young women what to do with their bodies. Spare us the sanctimonious apologies and just fuck off, already.

7. and 8. Teresa Fucking McNeece and Trae Fucking Wiygul. The best way not to get "hounded" for being a bigoted homophobic hypocrite is to not BE a bigoted homophobic hypocrite, duh. So stop your fucking whining. Grow the hell up. And let Constance bring her girlfriend to the prom!

9. Wiley Fucking Drake. Yep, the Imprecator is at it again, praying for death. This time for 219 Democratic congresscritters. How pro-life is that? (PS to Jesus: Keep that cotton in yer ears, bro. You're gonna need a lot more of it before this snake hisses his last.)

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10. Bev Fucking Oda. See #5, and add that international co-operation does NOT include going along with shitty Bushite foreign policy, never has and never will. Bev is un-Canadian!

11. The Fucking Aryan Nations. Because Easter's just not the same without at least a metaphorical cross burning on some black family's lawn. Or without at least one badly traumatized child.

12. Stephen Fucking Harper. Ever wonder what I have against hockey (as is currently played in the NHL, at any rate)? Harpo pretty much names it. No, aggression is NOT inherent to our Canadian psyche. I'd enjoy the game a lot more without head-shots and body slams and sucker punches and all those other things that make it look like vale tudo on ice. And without the 19-year-old millionaires who think they're God's gift. AND without the same "ethic", if you can call it that, being injected into our body politic. The women's gold medal round at the Olympics was the more exciting of the two, because those players aren't NHLers and it shows--they actually know how to play. They know the real meaning of teamwork--it's the solidarity, stupid. And the guys were all up in the balcony, watching them and taking notes--knowing that their usual NHL strategies were offsides at the Olympics. Harpo should have taken note of THAT.

13. Fucking Iggy. Appeasing the so-called "Harper Liberals"? Not smart. The party doesn't have an anti-choice, religiously fanatical "base" to draw on. What they have are a lot of people who support women's rights, scratching their heads at how this bunch could be so fucking daft. But Iggy's true to form that way; he'd rather kiss right-wing boots than put on the centre-left ones of his party and march in them. And so would a bunch of other toadies in the same party. This, my friends, is why I am not a Liberal. There is nothing I hate worse than a bully, unless it's his little enabling friends.

14. Mike Fucking Vanderboegh. Inciting domestic terrorism and death threats--and then claiming, oh so coyly, to only be calling for vandalism? Criminal incitement is still a crime, dickweed. PS: If you're so much against the government, give up your disability pension, which is clearly only going to finance crime anyway. "Refuse to participate in the system", to use your own words. Go on now. Die a free man, already!

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15. George W. Fucking Bush. What's the W stand for? WIMP. And WIPE. And WANKER! So nice to see nothing's really changed since he left office, eh?

16. Mark Fucking Warren. Spare us the brave-thankless-ACLUer act. The Coultergeist is indefensible, and she was NOT invited by Canadians to squawk on our soil. She really should be persona non grata, and if she were a Canadian leftist trying to speak on your turf she'd be on a no-fly list, but we're bigger than your government. She "invited" herself, and her ticket was paid by a right-wing "institute" in the US. We are not obligated to provide her with a forum; she has more than enough of one as it is. And we have every right to cancel her hate-concert and kick her out of the country, which is sovereign and independent of the US. If you're gonna defend "free speech" (or whatever passes for it south of the border these days, which I understand includes calls to commit crimes), the least you could do is exercise your right responsibly, and GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, YOU WANKER.

17. And that goes double for YOU, Fucking Freetards. You are free only in one sense--you are FACT-free. Guess you haven't heard that the Coultergeist did all this for publicity, pretending to be oppressed when in fact she faced nothing more than other people's free speech--you know, the thing you and she want to suppress. Let's face it: Her fortunes are on the wane. She's getting old. She's getting hideous (well, she always was, particularly from within, only now it's really starting to stink). And her books, which used to be saved from total obscurity only by wingnut-welfare bulk buying, are now tanking big-time. Too much competition from Caribou Barbie for those limited white-trash bucks, I guess! So she needs all the kamikaze publicity she can wangle. Hence her half-hearted presence, and then pre-arranged absence, at a "bush-league" university. But thanks so much for the laughs at your own expense, folks, they're much appreciated! Theatre of the Absurd might just make a comeback under you people. Your conspiracy theories are truly hilarious.

18. Brent Fucking Rathgeber. There's nothing to "ponder" here. We DO have freedom of speech, and we enjoy it just fine...on our own terms. It's not our fault if you don't like the way real Canadians use it--against a trucked-in Yankee shill with a tiny audience, hand-picked by her handlers so she won't be challenged in any real way (poor baby!) She had her opportunity to speak, she blew it off, she got rightly criticized for the meddling cowardly idiot that she is. The university was within its rights to tell her to behave--it's not a free-for-all arena, after all. And you have a problem with that? If you don't like this country, leave it. See how you make out in that paradise to the south of us. Go on. And be sure to report back.

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19. Dean Fucking Del Mastro. Another "pro-American" anti-choicer to slam the door on at the next election. Go to it, Peterborough.

20. Hans Fucking van Baalen. "Latin American dictators", it seems, are any elected leaders south of the Rio Grande who don't do what Europe and the US tell them to. Who is this pipsqueak, anyway, and why should he get to say anything about who Latin Americans elect to office? (PS: The Honduran "elections" were a sham, marked by abstention. Hardly "democratic", Hänschen Klein.)

21. Mykola Fucking Azarov. Everything he says about women, should be repeated...with regard to HIM. "16 hours a day with no breaks and weekends" is nothing compared to the demands of motherhood, you old fart.

22. Sarah Fucking Palin. Her 15 minutes are long over, but she refuses to go away. She's out there right now, dressed as a ditzy dominatrix, whoring her little ass off for the teabags. Worse, she is now complicit in teabagger crimes and terrorism. She, like the Coultergeist, should be on no-fly lists everywhere, but of course she won't ever come up for consideration as a mad mullah of the Amurrican Taliban. Why? IOKIYAR--why else?

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23. Yitzhak Fucking Shapira. Yes, believe it or not, there's a school of scriptural parsing on when it is appropriate to kill non-Jews. And this asshat wrote the book on it. A very repulsive, squirmy little book, which seeks to make kosher what is obviously anything but. Needless to say, the crazy Kahanist types love it. It totally justifies their displacement and murder of Palestinians in the occupied territories, don'tcha know?

24. David Fucking Ito. Literally a wanker, he repeatedly tried to surf porn at work while the financial system was melting down all around him. Oh yeah, and he's since been promoted to a higher pay grade within the SEC. Crapitalism: You can only fall up. (PS: Don't skip the comments, they're a scream!)

25. Clark Fucking Hogan. Because badvertising and worn-out frat-boy humor totally belong above a urinal, eh? Actually, they belong in the shitter. And they deserve a royal flush.

26. Harry Fucking Weisiger. If you need any further proof that the teabags are d-bags, here he is. Even a kid in the car with the Obama/Biden bumper sticker was not enough to dissuade this right-wing wackaloon from repeatedly ramming it with his big, ugly SUV. The only thing that would put him lower on the human scale is a gun...and the lethal use of it. As one commenter at the site notes, "For eight miserable years of the Bush administration I was angry. But I didn't try to run anyone down." That speaks volumes as to who's got the class and who's just an ass, does it not?

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27. Eric Fucking Cantor. It was only a stray bullet, but oh the humanity!--what a lovely victim card it made and still makes. And it lends so much credence to all those false equivalences the rightards so love to draw, too!

28. Dick Fucking Armey. He calls Barack Obama a Marxist Muslim (he is neither), but as recently as last year, right before he began pouring toxic tea at those "FreedomWorks" astroturf parties, he was lobbying for the Mujahedeen-e-Khalq--a group of Marxist Muslims. WTF??? Oh yeah, IOKIYAR--again.

29. Scott Fucking Brison. BAD move, Scott. Your Tory roots are showing! Have you not learned yet that "free" trade only deepens poverty--and increases the violence you think it's going to stop? It only brings prosperity to those who already have more than enough--and they're the ones who are hiring all those paramilitaries to kill the "uppity" peasants. The average Colombian will not see a peso of it. They will, however, see a hail of bullets heading their way in "defence" of "freedom" and "prosperity".

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And no, it's not passé, no matter what your rich right-wing friends down there may be telling you. It is getting worse! And if you push for an FTA with Colombia, it will be on your head and that of every so-called Liberal who supports it. Tories Lite...NOT the Party of Pierre Trudeau and Lester B. Pearson, eh?

And finally, the commenter here, from Wien (yes, he's a Wiener, and in more ways than one!) who thinks Che's last name was really Guevarawitz. Everything's a Jewish conspiracy. Including the fact that Che's family were all Catholics...

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Good night, and get fucked!

March 20, 2010

Wankers of the Week: March Hare edition

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What mad tea party is this? Oh, just the sort of thing one finds if one is in the habit of falling down rabbit holes once a week, looking for wankers. In which case, you've come to the right place. Here's whose heads your Queen takes off this week...

1. Nicole Fucking Jalbert. Is there any sound reason why the access-to-information director of our national spy agency is denying access to information about people long since dead and gone? No. But that doesn't stop her from doing it. How long ago are we talking about? Google the terms "Louis Riel" sometime and tell me. Hundred-year secrecy is as nutty as hundred-year wars, don't you think?

2. Peter Fucking Worthington. If you criticize what the Canadian Armed Forces are doing in Afghanistan--not only torturing prisoners themselves, on behalf of CSIS (whose presence in Afghanistan is confirmed, by the way) but also handing them over to the slimy Afghan "authorities" to be tortured--then, according to Mr. UnWorthy, you're a Taliban sympathizer, if not Taliban yourself. Talk about a broad brush...

But hey: Peter's fair game for a few broad brushstrokes himself. Since he came out in favor of apartheid back in the day, we can safely and rightly tar him with the brush of white-supremacist fascism, can we not? Especially since there is so much other evidence to support the charge. Just look at all the august company he keeps...

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3. and 4. Rielle Fucking Hunter and John Fucking Edwards. Two complete wankers who completely deserve one another. Everyone else around them, however, does not deserve the embarrassment these two cheating liars have wrought. (And speaking of embarrassing, check this out. Be sure to keep a barf bag handy.)

5. Helena Fucking Guergis. Sheer comedy gold: "working hard" to wangle yourself a perma-post on this wank-list. Throw me in a big fake cheque with a big blue C on it, and you got yourself a deal, Helena Handbasket, baby! (PS: Oh, sweet Jesus.)

6. And speaking of hard-working SupposiTories, how about that Vic Fucking Toews? No, seriously. Stop laughing. How about him? When he's not busy slamming the "Liberal ideologues" of the media for daring to question Rahim Fucking Jaffer's slap-on-the wrist, or for their total compliance in not making an issue of his "traditional family values" mistress (whom he has since made "honest", in true prairie shotgun style), he's crazy busy throwing photo-ops for "plans" neither he, nor anyone else in the SupposiTory cabinet, actually set in motion. Phew. Give that man a ShamWow for his brow! And don't miss his latest hilarious photo-op!

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(No, I did not draw this. Slap Upside the Head did.)

7. J.D. Fucking Hayworth. Gay rights lead to man-on-horse marriage? I bet Neal Mule-Fucking Horsley would be very interested in that!

8. Sarah Fucking Palin, yet again. Any other Canadians out there find themselves half wishing that when her parents "hustled us across the border" for free, socialized healthcare, they had faced a REAL death panel...and lost?

9. Virginia Fucking Thomas. Yes, Virginia, Clarence "Uncle" Thomas has a beard wife. And she's a teabagger. How she squares that overtly racist association with her husband's complexion, I do not know. My humble guess is she "enjoys motor homing" so she doesn't have to interact with him too much.

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Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

10. Fucking TMZ. Yes, NAAFA is a real group. It's also been around a damn sight longer than this snotty, patronizing gossip site. Oh, and when a commercial weight-loss SCAM company tries to target someone for their marketing strategy, that is not "reaching out", it's ANNOYING. Just because someone is fat doesn't mean she's fair game for any asshole out there trying to make a buck. And it certainly doesn't mean the asshole is an altruist!

11. And speaking of big fat assholes, we also have Howard Fucking Stern. Officially wrong, officially irrelevant, officially jumped the shark. He may work again, but for how long? Oh, let's have a little fun speculating at HIS expense, for a change!

12. Lindsey Fucking Graham. Been hitting the saké a little hard, Senator? Because I see a suicide pilot hitting a wall here, and he's neither Democratic nor Japanese!

13. Erick Fucking Erickson. Right-wing male chauvinist wankers: one more reason to avoid the Chicken Noodle Network, the second-least trusted name in news (as if you needed one.) And a face for radio, too--not that anyone would want HIM on their dial. Way to lose more than half your viewership, Chicken Noodles. How far down in the ratings did you say you were, again?

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14. Karl Fucking Rove. "Proud of waterboarding"? Somehow I'm not surprised. Maybe he, like #13, is compensating for something.

15. Mike Fucking Duffy. Yeah, I learned critical thinking at journalism school too, and an important part of my learning came from Noam Chomsky. Not because my j-school profs were particularly liberal or leftist (I couldn't tell who was what, and didn't care in any case); it was because Noam Chomsky wrote the book and made the film on how the news media generate insidious propaganda on behalf of ruling parties, be they government, business or some monstrous hybrid of both. And because Chomsky--a linguist, not a journalist--showed clearly how the language of propaganda works. If critical thinking + Chomsky = disdain for capitalism, too fucking bad; anyone who can think critically would develop a healthy skepticism for capitalism even without Chomsky's help in decoding the crapaganda. It's critical thinking, not Chomsky, that's the real problem for Puffy because, as a blatantly biased conservative "journalist", he's not interested in accurate and honest reporting, but in the usual "fair and balanced" FUX Snooze shit. That's the easy, lazy way to do it, the way Puffy's done all his career: no critical thinking, just spout whatever the press release says, do a little he-says-she-says, and lean hard to the right. Anything that leads to criticism and debunking of that is a direct threat to Puffy himself, and to his (considerable) bread and butter. And judging by his padding, he hasn't received many dents at all from the "school of hard knocks" of which he so patronizingly speaks. The funniest part, though, comes when an instructor from the very college Puffy criticizes...debunks him on every count.

16. David Fucking Bradley. Another "fair and balanced" bullshitter, this time regarding education. Autopwnage with a vengeance: The Texas educational system is now officially the laughingstock of the western world.

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17. Jim Fucking Bunning. The filibuster must die, and senile brain-rot won't claim that antidemocratic excrescence's worst abuser soon enough, either. Canada doesn't give a shit if he "agrees" with our anti-tobacco laws or not; he can't change them from where he sits, and if he tries, he's fucking insane. (Well, he is anyway. Which ought to be grounds for his removal from the US senate. Last time I looked, a mental breakdown was grounds for removal from a public office.)

18. Josef Fucking Ratzinger. Now we know why Cardinal Hitlerjugend got himself pope-ified: so he could have permanent "diplomatic" immunity from prosecution for his role in the cover-up of clergy sex abuse scandals spanning the entire freaking globe, dating back to his time as chief inquisitor and earlier. (PS: What Sinéad said!)

19. All these teabagging motherfuckers right here. I hope they're proud of their "anticommunism" today. If they had any real morals or values, they would be ashamed of what they did to this man, who used to be a nuclear engineer and a professor (and probably way more productive, when healthy, than all of them put together). But they're proud of their stinking, flyblown vileness. Hence, their slot on this list.

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20. Jim Fucking Abbott. Filibustering, basically, against a grieving widow for whose widowhood his government is indirectly responsible--in Parliament? How fucking low can you go?

21. Luís Fucking García Fucking Mesa. Why the double Fucking? Because that's what he's done to Bolivia. He's in the jailhouse now, but has been slow to get the message that prison for crimes against humanity is supposed to be hard time. Fortunately, the authorities investigated Chonchocoro Prison, which is where the ex-dictator now resides, and learned that his conditions were a veritable Club Fed. His accommodations have now been changed to suit his stature...that of a maggot, of course.

22. Branko Fucking Marinkovic. How's that name pronounced? BAWWWWK-buk-buk-bk-bk-bk-b'GAWWWWK!, approximately. Still taking bets as to where this wad of terrorist scum will wash up when he finally resurfaces. Miami? Lima? Washington, DC? Place your bets, ladies 'n' gents, 'round 'n' 'round he goes, where he stops nobody knows...

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23. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Widows and orphans? The Pigman doesn't give a shit for them. Stands to reason: He just can't seem to stay married, and despite all his sermons on Family Values, he has never managed to produce a child. So of course, he has no empathy for the spouses and children others leave behind when they have no insurance to cover their medical treatments.

24. John Fucking Sheehan. Yeah, I bet the Dutch military is really impressed with your homophobic "explanation" for their failures in Bosnia. Fucking wanker!

25. Jean-Pierre Fucking Blackburn. Forgetting an airline-safety reg, however stupid, which you yourself announced when it became law? Dumb. Losing your shit when you had to give up the bottle of tequila, worm and all? Schadenfreude-worthy. Now you know how the rest of us feel about these idiotic rules--only we don't get to lose our shit because we're not prominent Tories. We have to suck it up. Time you Tories did the same!

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And finally, to the antidemocratic bureaucrats of our lovely Local Health Integration Network: How much did you get in exchange for cutting outpatient rehab, diabetes education, and 26 hospital beds in a growing community with a substantial tax base, anyway? Whatever it is, it's too much. All those services are still necessary, but you are not. Too bad we, the citizens, didn't get to vote on the issue ourselves; we'd have made a better decision than you did, and we'd have done it for free. One retired healthcare worker summed it up nicely when she said, "They feel our concern but they don't give a shit." That's because you don't have to; you're not being paid to care, you're being paid to cut. That way, presumably, expensive private healthcare would look more attractive to an already overstretched public, the majority of whom can't afford to be that kind of consumers. You forget who really pays your salaries. If we got to vote on whether you stay or go, it would be unanimous--and it wouldn't be in favor of the former!

Good night, and get fucked.

March 13, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Crappy St. Patrick's Day!

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"They're after me Lucky Charms!"

Faith and begorra, what a bog-load of crap we have to wade through this week. I was going to write limericks for the occasion, but then I realized I needed a bigger and blunter shillelagh, so I went for prose. No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for these wankers:

1. Walt Fucking Baker. Oh, come on, admit it--you're NOT sorry you spammed a "joke" (unfunny, of course) comparing Michelle Obama to a chimp. You're just sorry your racist stupidity got thrust out into the light of day, where everyone else can see it for what it is.

2. Rahim Fucking Jaffer. It's not that he wasn't out on the road, full of booze and blow. It's not that he didn't test over the legal blood-alcohol limit. It's not that the law isn't strict about those things for the rest of us. But somehow, that's all okay if you're a prominent Tory with pots of money and a documented knack for bilocation! (Edit: Heh--thought so. Looks like we have a Wanker #2 1/2 in there, wearing judicial robes.)

Meanwhile, I bet we can find a million Canadians who reject this plea bargain. What say, Canada?

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3. Roy Fucking Ashburn, AGAIN. He was determined not to let being gay interfere with his doing his job in the California legislature? How bleeding noble that sounds...until one remembers that his job was that of a professional homophobe and gay-nay-sayer. Anyone who can't see a conflict of interest there must need new glasses. And of course, he only saw fit to come out of the closet AFTER the door had been wrenched off its hinges. If that's not a wank, I don't know what it is.

4. Sarah Fucking Palin, yet again. Would she please point to the biblical passage where it says that God wrote on his hand? Because I'm having trouble finding it. And how Christian of her and her family to have come sponging off our public healthcare system, only to turn around and tell us to privatize it years later. Either she has no moral compass at all, as my best friend says, or else she does, but it's gone haywire, because it's spinning like a fracking propeller.

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(PS: Oh Sawah, maybe you'd like to tell your First Dude to stop taking socialized oil money from Chavecito to finance his pricey hobbies? Just a thought.)

5. Tiger Fucking Woods. Yeah, hiring Ari Fucking Fleischer to be your PR man is brilliant. Worked great for Dubya, too. Remember The Revolution Will Not Be Televised? Remember how Ari lied about the US's role, which was actually in support of the Venezuelan coup? You'd think that someone as rich and supposedly brilliant in his field as Tiger Woods would know better than to hire the US's own Baghdad Bob. Guess we all know now just how bright this dude really is.

6. Dick Fucking Cheney. Should be given "a dunk in water" CIA-style to see if he doesn't find it torture, too.

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7. Chris Fucking Rock. A two-handed butt-grope? That's just doublepluswankery.

8. Charles Fucking Johnson. Remember Aesop's fable, "The Bat, the Birds and the Beasts"? Chuck is the Bat. As one pro-war nutter (also a Bat, as you can't seriously claim to be both liberal AND on the right) who used to read him points out, he changed course right after Obama won. Perhaps a strategic move to shore up his waning popularity and inject (however belatedly) some relevance? I don't know if he really is as relevant as he'd like to be, large readership notwithstanding. He claims to have quit the Right on the grounds that creationists are crazy, but then he still thinks that the sane, sober, liberal John Kerry would have made a WORSE president than Dubya--who is the creationists', rapturists' and teabaggers' boy? And he still thinks he "exposed" something "false" about Dan Rather's report on Dubya's AWOL times (which was, in fact, all true)? Dude, you may not like the radical rightard label, but you still deserve to wear it as long as you defend Dubya on ANY grounds. Your "nuanced" distancing efforts are disingenuous at best. And you are STILL going over the cliff with all the worst of them, like it or not.

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9. Rush Fucking Limbaugh, yet again. Funny how he, like Sarah Fucking Palin, is happy to make use of "socialized" medicine (in Hawaii AND Costa Rica, apparently), while making all his boodle SLAMMING it. I would ask where his sense of shame is at, but I suspect it's in Costa Rica already, spending all that not-so-hard-earned cash on child prostitutes, Viagra, OxyContin, Vicodin, Lorcet and whatever else takes the Pigman's self-awareness to oblivion.

(And speaking of which: Heh.)

10. Vic Fucking Toews. This was his "leave Britney alone!" moment, only "Britney" was Rahim Jaffer, and nobody's gonna leave him, OR the Tory judge who let him off lightly, alone, because it's a matter of fairness, impartiality of the law, and all that other modern ethical twaddle we're supposed to suddenly disregard in the name of "good taste" whenever a right-wing politician gets caught. Love how he blames Jaffer's gaffe (and the Tory judge) on Ontario's nominally Liberal government. Also love how he slams the media. BTW, Vic, how're the former mistress and kid?

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11. Adam Fucking Radwanski. Leave Britney alone! Crikey, what a poor choice of unlikely people to find oneself defending there, dude. Next time, pick one who's actually defensible.

12. Charles Fucking McVety. Newsflash: Democracy means having to live with, and accept the equal rights of, persons unlike yourself. It does not mean that a fundamentalist religious cult gets to make the laws, or that its votes override those of the rest. If that's a problem for you, Chuck, you're free to leave Canada anytime, and don't feel you need to come back. In fact, just go now--we don't WANT you taking over the PMO with your bullshit.

13. Jim Fucking Flaherty. I hate him even more now than I did last week, if that's possible.

14. Fucking Harpo ditto. And ditto. And ditto. And (Heil Harper!) ditto.

15. Whoever the fuck is responsible for this incredibly racist ad. Do I have to dig out what gets done on the Prairies almost as a matter of grim routine in the wintertime?

16. Helena Fucking Guergis. Even her party co-religionists don't all think she's entitled to act all, well, entitled. Figures that she's married to Wanker #2, who is also an entitled little shit. And what the fuck is THIS?

And people wonder what I have against beauty pageants, and why I don't trust women who get ahead on the basis of that. Yeah, I wonder too. I also wonder what happened to the rest of this clip. It sounds absolutely fascinating!

17. Liz Fucking Cheney. A chip off the old block, you say? Yeah, and the old block's pure merde. So nice to see they're keeping the US "safe" by invoking fascism for realz.

18. Gabriele Fucking Amorth. Why does the Devil keep making all these holy churchmen at the Vatican suck homosexuals' cocks, and vice versa? I dunno, but let's keep up that vow of celibacy. It sure seems to be working great.

19. Kevin Fucking Garn. One public humiliation (richly deserved!) coming right down.

20. Eric Fucking Massa. Or should I say "fracking"? Whatever. It's hard to hear just what he's saying with all those dicks in his mouth.

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And finally, to Mike Fucking Hanson, yet again. Dude, when I said "make yourself scarce around here", I did not mean "lie low for a couple of days, and then come back and bullshit me some more". I meant begone, before someone drops a house on you.

Good night, and get fucked!

March 6, 2010

Wankers of the Week: In like a lion...

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Yes, this is a real tattoo. And the dude who owns it weighed in here to brag about his blunder. Someone please inform him that the name "de León" doesn't mean "dude who bones like a lion", it just means your ancestors came from León.

It's March, and no, Old Man Winter hasn't croaked yet. Spring ain't sprung, the grass ain't riz, etc. That's what we love to hate about March. It's in like a lion, a mean old motherfucking lion, one with a thorn in its paw. Could that thorn be any of the following wankers?

1. Whoever the fuck is handing out these anonymous pamphlets, blaming women and their clothes for tempting men to "sin". As my best friend pointed out when he sent me the link, "I think that if men can't control themselves when they see women, perhaps they should have their eyes plucked out. Why aren't these religious nutcases suggesting that instead? (Because it's all about controlling women, not men.)" Bingo--it's all about controlling women. Just as is rape. Coincidence? PS: I vote for castration and bi-manual amputation. Blind men can still grope.

2. Gerard Fucking Latulippe. He made his incriminating remarks as long ago as 2007, but just try substituting "Jews" for "Muslims" and see how that immigration policy flies. Oh wait, didn't Jewish immigrants get turned away here in World War II? Why yes, they did!

3. Roy Fucking Ashburn. Most gay men come out to their nearest and dearest after some agonizing soul-searching and deliberation. This one (who is a professional homophobe in his day job) came out by accident. Specifically, a drunk-driving accident involving a male pal whom he met at a gay nightclub where they both had a few too many. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

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4. Alykhan Fucking Velshi. Who is he to talk about Liberals "politicizing" the guide for new Canadians when it was his own damn party--yep, the Conservatives--who deliberately went out of their way to exclude our exemplary gay-rights legislation from all mention in said guide? What really gets me is that Velshi then goes on to politicize the issue by dredging up World War II and what the Liberals did (or failed to do) during that infamous period of racist internment camps and turning-away of Jewish refugees. As though the Conservatives wouldn't have done all the same ugly things and then some!

5. Which leads us rather nicely to Jason Fucking Kenney. About whom I think I've said enough for one week. Maybe I'll write him a nice limerick for St. Patti's Day by way of making it up, faith and begorra.

Oh what the hell. Montreal Simon says it so much better than I could, anyway!

(PS: And don't forget to join up.)

6. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh gawd, here comes another fucking book that she didn't really write, about a subject she really knows nothing about, filled to the gills with the usual insincerity and bullshit, for the purpose of ginning up some easy money and political fervor among the wingnut sheeple who can always be counted on to vote against their own interests. Profiles in Courage it will not be, because she is no Jack Kennedy...but hey, that won't stop HER! Yippee-ti-yi-yo-cowpatties.

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PS: Stay the fuck out of my country, you mad cow!

7. Trent Fucking Franks. "Half of all black children are aborted." O RLY? And what orifice did you pull that statistic from, pray tell us, sir? Newsflash: A fetus is not a child until it's born. PS: Way to justify slavery, dickweed.

8. Michael Fucking Cannon. At least, given the obscenity, that's what I think the middle initial stands for.

9. Stephen Fucking Harper. "Thou dost in us command", dost thou? No, thou dost NOT. The existing line may be sexist, but at least it leaves us some semblance of individual choice ("in all thy sons' command"). Worse, the so-called revision is actually a reversion to something even more archaic! If you're gonna rewrite "O Canada", how about getting rid of clichés ("from far and wide") and theocracy ("God keep our land") first? Better still, how about not pissing all over the women of Canada, so you won't have to rejigger the anthem to pretend-appease the full half of the population you've offended with your shitty policies?

10. Jim Fucking Bunning. Must be seen to be believed, and fortunately, I've got just the visual aid for YOU, kiddies:

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But of course, there are no unemployed people in Kentucky. Jobs grow on trees there, don't they, Jim? And recessionary times are all the fertilizer they need. Yeah.

11. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Such a wanktard, he deserves to have a neologism or two coined on his name. So, spread this meme, kiddies: A breitbart is any wingnut so blinded by his own ideological rabies that he'll fall for any other blind, ideologically-rabid wingnut's shit and endorse it wholeheartedly, sight unseen, no questions asked, as long as that shit flies and sticks to something, yippee! And to breitbart is to spread blind, ideologically-rabid wingnuttery without questioning for a nanosecond whether, in fact, it is true.

Examples:

Jesus, my roommate is such a breitbart. He thinks God sent the earthquake to punish Chile for having a leftist president.

So, what's Rush Fucking Limbaugh breitbarting on about today?

See how easy and fun that is? A noun, a verb. Now run with 'em.

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12. David Fucking Grisham. Now, I'm not into swinging; I'm more into just living and letting live. Unless, of course, we're talking about nosy-parking preacher-men who make life hell on Earth for anyone of whom they disapprove. In that case, I say it's a lewd and disgusting lifestyle, and the preacher's not bound for hell, he's there already and actively working for Satan, trying to drag in every soul he can. Including a bunch of harmless people whose only offence is to engage in polyamorous behavior behind closed doors with other consenting adults. When the preacher's own son is so perverted by his dad's wickedness that he hacks computers and steals other people's private information to defame them, you just know you're dealing with the rankest kind of immorality right there.

13. Howard Fucking Schultz. Yes, please do explain to us what entitles you to such a massive pay hike at a time when Starbucks is closing hundreds of locations all over the map and throwing people out of work at the worst possible time. Oh wait, let me guess...it's all the money you saved on keeping those places running and those people in work. You bumped up the profits and the share price artificially. THAT's what entitles you...to a spot on this week's wank list.

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14. Bart Fucking Stupak. Healthcare reform saves lives. So does the right to a safe, legal abortion as early as possible, or as late as necessary. Public funding would make it a lifesaver for women who can't afford to travel or pay exorbitant rates out of pocket. But Bart is determined that it will never happen as long as he has "principles" to hold his breath and turn blue in the face for. Because he's just that "pro-life", don'cha know?

15. Orly Fucking Taitz. Running for office? Surely you jest. But the makeover's not a bad idea. If only they could do something with her head from the inside...

16. Jim Fucking Flaherty. When Bay Street approves your budget, you just fucking know it's bad. I hated him when he was finance minister of Ontario, and I hate him even more now. Because like all the bad pennies of fiscal-conservative Wingnuttia, this one has an uncanny ability to fall up.

And finally, to the two personal wankers I got this week. First, a song dedicated to them...take it away, Ms. Kelis:

Y'know, fellas, just because I pretended last week to bemoan the lack of trolls, doesn't mean you're actually invited to pile on. Yes, that means you...

...Jim Fucking Burke. When you've done some studying and gleaned some nuanced insights into what sort of person Che Guevara really was, dude, you're welcome to come on back here and engage in an actual, honest discussion. But glib little one-line crapaganda drops will earn you an insta-ban and a deliberately mispronounced adiós.

...and Mike Fucking Hanson (yes, this one was dumb enough to use his real surname on his Hotmail addy, and his real first name on his post). Dude, you are so full of fail that you make it wayyyyy too easy for me to pwn you. Coming on here from your work computer at a fertilizer company and then lying to me that you work for ExxtortionMobil? You must have even less knowledge of how the Internets work than you have of what's really going on in Venezuela. If someone like me, with no hacking skills to speak of, can trace you to your office with a simple IP locator found on the Google, that's a sure sign that you're not destined for a great career in disinfo-trolling.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

February 27, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Shorter but not sweeter

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February is the shortest month of the year, but certainly not the sweetest; it's the dead of winter, and the weather's mean. The only good thing you can say about this month is that it ends quickly! And so do these shorter (but not sweeter) tributes to this week's wanktards:

1. Otto Fucking Odonga. "Private parts do not belong in the anus", but heads apparently do. Now we know where Alan Fucking Keyes' ancestors came from. UGANDA, where else?

2. Helena Fucking Guergis. Wow, does SHE have great timing, or what? My money is on the square marked "or what". PS: Happy fucking birthday to you, indeed, you entitled bitch.

3. Steve Fucking Ellis. Basically, it was "you gimme fuckee, I let you become Canadian citizen-ee." But she was all like ewwwwwww, gross-ee. Then she turned him in-ee. So he didn't get to take advantage of the pretty Korean refugee claimant after all-ee.

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4. James Fucking Lunney. He makes the list again this week because he's still a whiny chickenshit afraid of a little opposition. Which will soon turn into a LOT of it, if he doesn't cut the crap.

5. Sarah Fucking Palin, for the umpty-ump hundredth time. While she's out there prattling on about imaginary death panels and other evils of socialized medicine, her own grandson is benefiting from...wait for it...socialized medicine. And the death panels? Well, those are real, but only in capitalized medicine.

6. Charles Fucking Van Zant. It's not enough for him to force his own wife to squirt out the babies at lightning speed. No, now he wants to do the same to other women, too--under the guise of "compassion". He'll try to bring back the Baby Scoop Era singlehandedly if they let him. Pray they don't!

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7. Lauren Fucking Ashley. If you're gonna quote Fucking Leviticus under the false rubric of "loving" the "sinners", sweetie, you may as well stop eating shellfish and wearing mixed-fibre clothes. Otherwise, you too could be put to death under THAT "law". Also, God hates liars.

8. The Fucking State of Utah. Nice lawmakers you people have! Better pray that none of your female nearest and dearest ever have a miscarriage, or you might not ever see Mom again. PS: Please address your ongoing polygamy problem if you REALLY care about women and children.

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9. Rush Fucking Limbaugh, AGAIN. Far be it from me to defend Glenn Fucking Beck (and believe me, I'm not about to do it here); I just love it when right-wingers eat their own. It saves the rest of us having to do it. Now get a room, you two!

10. John Fucking Yoo, AGAIN. How sharp a cleaver do you need to split hairs this finely: Nuking civilians okay, crushing kids' testicles NOT okay? Dude, IT'S ALL BAD!!!

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11. Peter Fucking Shurman. Christ, dude, learn some Canadian history. This nation has been around a lot longer than the modern-day (apartheid!) state of Israel.

12. and 13. Brad Fucking Trost and Maurice Fucking Vellacott. Such a cute couple they make. Such a pity they're both such lying sexist wanks.

14. Danny Fucking Williams. Paying for luxurious extras out of pocket does NOT make it the best healthcare, only the priciest. You could have had all that in Canada, except maybe the fancy furniture, the plush rug, the steak on the menu, and the private-duty nurse who gives blowjobs. Would sure be funny if he developed complications, would it not?

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And finally, since we have no personal wankers this week (¿Qué pasó?), let's send out a pre-emptive tribute to Pat Fucking Robertson, who's expected to pronounce at any time about the Chilean earthquake and the tsunami due to hit Hawaii: God don't work that way, asshole.

Good night, and get fucked!

February 20, 2010

Wankers of the Week: You know you are one when...

...you make like this dude:

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Well, that's one way of being a wanker. Here are some others, brought to you by this week's winners (pronounced wieners):

1. You can't resist a photo-op, even when you should...like Stephen Fucking Harper. The last thing the quake-stricken Haitians want is to get their picture taken with this cynical, opportunistic wank, who's not content to trample only their democracy, but Canada's as well. I'm with JimBobby--the media should stay home and not bolster Harpo's fortunes for one minute longer!

2. You can't even pretend to show a little sportsmanship...like Dale Fucking Begg-Smith. You want to know what's wrong with the whole Silicon Valley vision of late 20th-century über-capitalism? I'll tell you: It's an entitled teen millionaire who buggered off for Australia out of disdain for Canadian ski program rules. Loyalty to hometown and country? Not for him. The Aussies are also complaining about his lack of loyalty, so it's not just a Canada thing. True to type, he made his fortune by questionable means. And then, when Alex Bilodeau very deservedly bested him, guess who iced over on the podium. What, is all that other gold not good enough? Some of us (like me, for one) would be grateful just to make it down the bunny hill without sitting on our skis.

3. You can't even meet and talk with constituents who disagree with you...like James Fucking Lunney. Did I mention that he's a Tory? Do I need to mention that he's a coward? And that cowardice is true to Tory form?

4. You are completely dissociated from all sense of reality, both past and present...like Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Dubya drags his country into two wars which have now BOTH been raging longer than World War II...and whom does the Pigman blame? Yup, you guessed it...the black guy from Hawaii. Even funnier, he claims "there's no war on right now". Oh yeah? Tell that to all those guys and gals stuck in Iraq and Afghanistan. In the latter case, some of them came from my home and native land, and would be quite surprised to hear that what they're doing over there isn't a war. Why, next thing you know, Rush will be claiming that the US was in World War II before Canada was...all those little acolytes of his with whom I've had the pleasure of wiping a floor certainly did.

But hey. Sometimes, if you listen really hard, you might just hear the Pigman tell the truth for a change:

Ah, that was lovely. I can never hear that song often enough...

5. You don't even have the most basic idea of how your own country's justice system works...like Monica Fucking Crowley. Military tribunals "didn't exist until late 2001"? I'm sure the US military will be very surprised to hear THAT one.

6. You don't know shit about climatology and can't be bothered to learn...like James Fucking Inhofe. Congratulations on your national igloo, Mr. Senator. And sorry to hear about your sub-freezing IQ.

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7. You ride a loser's coattails to nowhere, then bitch about it...like Sam Fucking Wurzelbacher. Next time you get the urge to reach for the dough, dude, just get your plumbing licence, keep your head down, and actually do something real for a living.

8. You conflate all criticism of the Israeli government with "an attack on Canada"...like Peter Fucking Kent. This inveterate wanker (whom I've already excoriated on two occasions) is Harpo's junior foreign affairs minister. A less competent man for the job could hardly be imagined, unless your idea of reality happens to coincide with CanWest Global's hard-right pro-Israel editorial line.

9. You don't care a damn about your country, its people, or what they want...like Jorge Fucking Castañeda. Canada and Mexico don't want to be part of a US hegemony disguised as a "union", but you'd never know it according to Jorge the Apátrido. And that may well be the only thing those two countries actually have in common. As far as most Canadians are concerned (and the Apátrido isn't), Mexico belongs to Latin America. And as far as most Mexicans are concerned, the US is just the place where you go to recoup a little of the cash that was stolen from your country, and send it back home. But hey, we could make common cause with the Mexicans anyway to defeat this rotten "union" idea, if it by some strange misfortune fails to defeat itself. What say, Mexico?

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10. You are so steeped in teabagger lunacy that you can no longer tell your own madness from the voice of God in your ear...like Gregory Fucking Girard. Yep, another crazy-eyed militant armageddonist for Jeezus has been caught stockpiling guns and ammo in advance of what would undoubtedly be either an attempt at terrorism or one upon the life of an elected president. God sure does work in mysterious ways! Why else guide the hand of a wanker to be one's instrument...?

11. You are so steeped in teabagger lunacy that you're willing to fly a plane into an IRS building...like Joseph Fucking Stack of Austin, Texas. Of course, the wanker forgot that his state DOES have representation in Washington, meaning all the taxes he had to pay in his apparently worthless life were, in fact, 100% LEGAL. But of course, he didn't even think to say boo about it till now, when, by coincidence, the head of state happens to be a brownish guy. He also forgot that the bailout he blamed on the brown guy, was actually the doing of the brown guy's white predecessor--and he never complained about HIM. And he also picked a damn stupid way of complaining--which included trying to kill his nearest and dearest, as well as innocent random strangers. Do me a favor, all you suicidal wanks out there--just gas yourselves with car exhaust in your garage if you really MUST, and leave others the hell out of it. They will NOT appreciate the political points you're trying to score with your own death, believe me.

12. You are so steeped in teabagger lunacy that you're willing to celebrate the wanker above...like this fucking Facebook circle jerk.

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13. You rag on Barack Obama for his admitted, but minor experimentation with cocaine, but forget that your boy Dubya spent the better part of two decades with a rolled-up Benjamin affixed to his nose...like Jason Fucking Mattera. Lemme guess, Jason...you're more a crack-smoking kind of guy? Or maybe crystal meth is more your speed? That would explain why you think all those helmet-haired, glassy-eyed, diet-deranged, Botoxed-to-death Stepford wives in your crowd are "beautiful". It would also explain why you think tea-partiers speak in complete sentences (they can't even spell, do math, or dress themselves!), and why you have nothing of real substance to say anywhere about anything. And afterwards, I'll bet you went to the washroom to do a few lines of some unspecified substance off the Coultergeist's bony ass, too!

14. You're still going on about Bill Clinton's BJ after all this time...like Newt Fucking Gingrich. Whose third wife is the extracurricular chick who used to blow him in the Capitol's parking garage while he was after Bubba like a hound on a raccoon.

15. You never let facts get in the way of a good piece of bombast...like David Fucking Broder. Yeah, sure, Sarah Fucking Palin knows how to sell herself, all right. The question is, who but a complete idiot would buy this bimbo? And the answer? David Fucking Broder, for one. Because he is a complete and pluperfect idiot. Duh!

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16. You are trying to rewrite Canadian immigration law to its original form as a law of exclusion...like Jason Fucking Kenney. Will it keep REAL undesirables out? Hell, no; everyone knows, or should, that the world's worst criminals all happen to be white, rich and prominently situated. This law will do nothing about those multinational motherfuckers. But it will keep top-notch Mexican chefs from ever darkening our doorstep again. Nice work, Jason.

17. You are so religiously insane that you would kick a sick woman out of your church just because she sought medical attention...like David Fucking Valdez. The Joho preacher-man kicked out Maribel Perez when she received a blood transfusion as part of her double-lung transplant. This anti-blood stance is based solely on a misinterpretation of a scriptural passage concerning blood sacrifice, and has nothing to do with medicine. But it certainly points out that Jehovah's Witness anti-blood doctrine is not only confused, but when it comes down to cases like this, it is also profoundly un-Christian, in that it directly violates what Jesus himself said is the right thing to do for the sick, the needy and the suffering. Since when is it godly to cast out a sick person just for seeking treatment for her illness? And does this wank seriously believe God will favor him for doing that to her?

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And finally, you know you're a wanker when...you show up late to the party, stoned to the gills and making zero sense, like this wanker did here. Dude, if you don't yet understand why gun control IS crime control, or why the majority of Canadians loathe the Tories with a righteous passion, or why an onion ring gets more fans than Harpo, then you really need to spend less time with your record collection and your drugs, and even less time making excuses for those whom you claim not to support. BTW, there's no such thing as an "amero", no matter how fervently YOU believe in it. What you posted was nothing but a photoshop, based upon a phantasm created by some other drug-addled wank (see #9, above). Life is so much easier when your head's not stuck in a tube of model-airplane glue, so kindly get yours out and join the REAL party, please.

Good night, and get fucked!

PS: Boy, it's been a banner week for personal wankers here at Casa Bina. I should also mention the loon from Liguria, IP #82.52.128.184, who wanked here. You know you're a wanker when...you spam my blog with pro-Palin crap (which I removed the link to), gratuitously attacking socialism, on an entry not dedicated to it. From ITALY. Where, if I'm not mistaken, some socialist aspects of society exist, no?

Buonanotte, e vaffanculo!

February 13, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Crappy Valentine's Day!

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Some say it with flowers. This week, I say it with clerihews:

1. Chris Fucking Briles
Pushes Christ with sinful wiles.
Someone tell this fine upstanding guy
That Jesus hates it when you lie.

2. Sarah Fucking Palin
Should knock off the whiny wailin'.
She won't be in clover
When her tea party's over.

3. John Fucking McCain
Doesn't feel gay soldiers' pain.
One might ask what his stance is good for
In light of his helping lose a war.

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4. Jason Fucking Kenney
Cut many a penny
From groups promoting human rights
With the lame accusation that they're anti-semites.

5. Stephen Fucking Harper.
Was there ever such a carper?
Equal rights for others sure do seem to threaten
The uncool dude in the sweater vest and cowboy hat who just ain't gettin'.

6. Arnold Fucking Kling
Thinks that DC is Beijing.
The Chinese are not amused--
Would you be, as the object of an odious comparison so over-used?

7. Jim Fucking DeMint
Has not the brains of a wad of lint.
"Global warming" doesn't mean
That there's no cold weather, or anything in between.

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8. James Fucking Moore
Excused taste that's piss-poor
Hoping that we'll ignore
That $10 million more.

9. Nancy Fucking Elliott
Deserves a one-way ticket to helliot.
What earned her this frightful ungodly hex?
Her unholy obsession with gay butt sex.

10. Gerard Fucking Alexander
Thought it commonsensical to slander
His intellectual superiors
And elevate their distant inferiors.

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And finally, to the chickenshit phony from Washington, DC, IP # 216.164.62.93, who wanked (twice!) on my open letter to Peter Kent. You're a fine one to talk about embarrassing oneself--you just did it big-time. Since you're not brave enough to sign yourself with anything but obscenities, you're not important enough to merit anything but prose. But if I knew your real name, I'd be sure to find a nice, obscene rhyme for YOU, cabrón.

Good night, and get fucked!

February 6, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Unsexy Times edition

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Ah, February...the month of love? Not for these unsexy wankers, and not for me...I have no love for them!

1. and 2. Gwen Fucking Landolt and Jim Fucking Hughes. How can anyone be happy that sexual health care for women is being de-funded? Well, it helps if your name ends in "dolt". How else would Gwen be dumb enough to think that half the human race is a "special interest group", while her teensy anti-feminist organization--one dozen strong and not counting--is not?

As for Jim, he forgets that our "demographic crisis" is only a "crisis" if you're (a) a closet white supremacist, and (b) a sexist ass who thinks it's women's sacred duty to shit out white babies for Jeezus. The rest of us understand the value of i-m-m-i-g-r-a-t-i-o-n. Hey, it's how my parents got here...

3. Deborah Fucking Vinnedge. Who's dumb enough to think vaccines are made from aborted fetal tissue? She is. Unfortunately, she's got the species all wrong. But thanks for being so concerned about unborn baby chicks, Debbie!

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4. John Fucking Baird. Dude, you'd feel so much better OUT of the closet. You'd probably look it, too. Don't you wonder why Scott Brison left the party, BTW?

5. Tony Fucking Blair. The Poodle is still making excuses after all this time about why he bent over and let Dubya bugger him with an imaginary WMD. I don't know whether to be touched by his loyalty, or just vomit.

5 1/2. Oops, scratch that last sentence. Thanks to Richard Fucking Madeley and HIS touching loyalty (a poodle to The Poodle? Blimey!), my mind is made up. In favor of VOMIT.

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6. Charles Henry Fucking Bennett. Yeah, he's exactly the kind of person you'd want policing an airport, peering through a "naked scanner" at YOU. Or worse: your teenage daughter. Eeeeeeeeeeek.

7. John Fucking Boehner. So, when WILL it be the "right time" to "debate" a stupid, homophobic military regulation? Here's an idea I'm sure has never occurred to Mr. Boner: HOW ABOUT ENDING ALL THE WARS? Then the time will be perfect...for scrapping that damn ridiculous thing and ending this bogus "debate" once and for all. And the army will never have to fire another Arabic-speaking translator again.

8. Pam Fucking Tebow. Lying: Not sexy. Lying in an ad to be seen during the Super Bowl: Downright repugnant. Also not likely to make Jesus pick you to be the babymama of his second coming...which your son ain't, Heisman Trophy notwithstanding.

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9. Mark Fucking Steyn. Why does he hate Muslims? Probably because the latter get more chicks than he does. (And that's NOT counting those who take the Prophet up on that whole polygamy thing--or those who lust after the 72 white raisins martyrs get in Paradise.)

10. Fucking Harpo. Nothing like dropping poll numbers (all self-inflicted, natch) to make Stevie Peevie do what all dicks do when hit with a sudden wave of cold water...that is, make like an extra belly button.

11. Barbara Fucking Kay. Ignorance may well be bliss, if only because it keeps Babs moaning in an endless loop of wank-gasm while she pulls pearls of unwisdom out her ass. The rest of us, however, are squicked out by the whole obscene spectacle of a woman hating on her own gender SO. DAMN. HARD!!!

12. Glenn Fucking Beck. He had precious few charms to begin with, and now they're getting OLD. Plus, his hemorrhoid surgery failed to remove a rather large and lumpy object from his rectum--his HEAD.

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13. Roger Fucking Ailes. Fatal Attraction, anyone? I'm expecting to hear any day now that White House security has arrested him in the kitchen, having caught him just as he was about to drop Bo into a stockpot and boil him up for a presidential surprise.

14. Maurice Fucking Vellacott. He really needs to get laid in the worst way, but who'd do the honors? No woman with even a scrap of self-respect, that's for sure. And Maurice is doing his damnedest to make good and sure that women have not even a scrap of self-respect left, much less the respect of the law. Don't be too surprised if he tries to get the Personhood amendment of 1929 scrapped while he's at it.

15. Stephen Fucking Phelan. Not content to meddle with women's wombs, now he's fucking with Toys-R-Us. For the record, I own a Ouija board, and it's never done me a lick of the irreparable spiritual harm these assclowns say it does. All it does is sit on my shelf, gathering dust. That's because I happen to believe that it's a tool, not a toy, and I don't "dabble" with anything--I believe in full immersion. And also that you should never hand your soul over to any evil entity, especially a woman-hating preacher-man.

16. James Fucking O'Keefe, AGAIN. Why do I get the feeling he dressed up as his stereotypical notion of a black pimp because he himself fits the stereotype of a weeny white nerd whose dick is smaller than a little girl's pinky? All that hate must come from SOMEWHERE, and all signs point in the direction of his crotch. Envy: SO unsexy!

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Even these guys make more convincing pimps, BTW.

17. Fucking Ratzi. Giving everyone equal rights under human law violates natural law, which gives us all equality. So says Pope Hitlerjugend. Illogic: Not sexy either.

18. Sarah Fucking Palin. A retard. No, make that a FUCKING retard. There, somebody finally told the unsexy truth about the Quitbull. Let the baby-shit-flinging begin. (PS: I actually studied Old Norse at university. I can tell you this with absolute certainty: There is no "Trig" in the Norse pantheon, or anywhere else in the nomenclature. If she had actually gotten the name from there, it would have been spelled "Tryggr" or "Tryggur"--and pronounced to almost rhyme with n-i-g-g-e-r.)

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19. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Also a fucking retard. Three failed marriages and countless clueless comments: VERY unsexy. (Dressing up like a Russian mafia pimp and swilling Viagra won't help him there, either.)

20. Bill O'Fucking Reilly. Why do I get the feeling that when he says he's not "comfortable with openly gay people in the barracks", Billo is actually standing in his shower with his cock in a loofah, wanking wildly at the mental image of two hot 'mos in uniform bent over a footlocker together while the rest of the troops look on, also wanking?

21. Mackubin Thomas Fucking Owens. Aw, go join Billo in the shower...he's lonely. It's not easy being of the unfounded opinion that homophobia is essential to military morale, is it? But hey, at least you guys could have a good wank together and FEEL like The Troops, even if you don't actually support them.

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And finally, to the crocodile-teary wanker who jacked off on my latest FLFB post, accusing progressives of being as hateful as the conservatives we love to excoriate, and thus responsible for wars and holocausts: Thanks, dude. No, really. Thanks! I sincerely thank you for the effort you expended making that tortured argument. Very thoughtful, since I haven't had a personal wanker all week until today, and was wondering what I'd do to close out this post on a high note. I appreciate that it's very hard for you to type more or less correctly while intoxicated. But it doesn't make you any less of a wanker, when all's said.

Good night, and get fucked!

January 30, 2010

Wankers of the Week: January Blahs edition

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Here comes the end of January, legendary month of the blahs. As we bid farewell to it, let us now pause and remember the blah-blah coming from the following wankers...right before we deliver them the obligatory boot to the head:

1. Andre Fucking Bauer. Where have we heard all these stock phrases before? "Hand up not a handout", blah blah blah. "Don't feed stray animals because they breed", blah blah blah. "Culture of dependence", blah blah blah. "Short term pain for long term gain", blah blah blah. Here's a way to deal with all the blah blah blah, voters of South Carolina: Don't give this douchebag a handout by giving him a hand up to the gubernatorial mansion. Don't feed this stray animal, because he breeds. Don't contribute the the REAL culture of dependence--handouts to scum like him from corporations who are throwing millions out of work, and then "investing" that extra cash in this shithead so that he can further piss on and humiliate those who need welfare to survive because there are no real jobs, thanks to his shitty economic policies. And who are now in danger of being made to work for it, at bogus jobs that don't pay a living wage or anything else for that matter, in a state with a long history of slavery and profiteering on human misery. That's a lot of long-term pain for the short-term gains of a few. And, unlike what the Repug candidate says, that's NOT a lot of blah blah blah.

2. John Fucking Moore. Protests are a "numbers game", blah blah blah. Funny, but the real numbers say you're full of wind, John. Here, have a free dinner on me:

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3. And while we're on the subject of prorogation blah-blah, I'd like to feed some crow to whoever the fuck planted these painfully obvious fake protesters. I don't know what's dumber...the Godwin violation, or the fact that they sent their own brownshirts out to do it. In any case, Epic Fail.

4. Jackson Fucking Diehl. "Hugo Chávez's régime is crumbling", blah blah blah. How many fucking times has he said this already over the past decade and been dead wrong? I've lost count. For those who want to see what Chavecito's really up to, here. And for those who want numbers, in inglés, here. Crumble THAT.

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5. Tony Fucking Clement: "All you have to do is vote us out", blah blah blah. Well Tony, we would, except you guys prorogued in order to keep us from doing just that, since we denied you a majority last time 'round. You're also taking blatant advantage of the Libs' vacillation, brought on mainly by Iggy's unpopularity (let's face it, if he were anything other than Harpo Lite, he'd be in like Flynn with the voters.) And if anyone tries that confidence thing, I know just what you're gonna do next...the same as you've already done twice before when something threatened to bring the Harpocracy down. (BTW, you look a downright knob in that pic. Just so's you know.)

6. James Fucking O'Keefe. "Investigative journalist and filmmaker", blah blah blah. Make that "right-wing hack under arrest for illegal wiretap attempt and espionage", ha ha ha. Just don't ask me why he was spying on Mary Landrieu; she's a DINO (a.k.a. Repugnican Lite.)

7. Fucking Harpo. "It should not take a natural disaster to turn our attention to the less fortunate", blah blah blah. "Tragedy strikes those who can least afford it", blah blah blah. "Each year, it is estimated that 500,000 women lose their lives during pregnancy or childbirth", blah blah blah. O RLY? Then why did you shaft your own fellow countrywomen (and children), Stevie Peevie? Oh yeah, I know...NO NATURAL DISASTER.

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8. And speaking of shafting women, how about the anonymous motherfucker who shat this cowardly screed in the National Pestilence? "Radical feminism...has done untold damage to families", blah blah blah. "Women's Studies courses have taught that all women...are victims and nearly all men are victimizers", blah blah blah. "Women's Studies activists convinced politicians that family law was too forgiving of men", blah blah blah. About the only true line in the piece is the last one, which I had trouble getting to because I was too busy cleaning projectile vomit off my monitor. No, we feminists are NOT going away. And when we find out who wrote this piece of shit, we're gonna give him (for it surely IS a him) holy hell.

(UPDATE: Jezebel concurs with my diagnosis--this is one sad old psychopathic dude, full of whine and bluster about his own lost privileges. Nada más.)

9. David Fucking Horowitz. The irreplaceable historian Howard Zinn is barely in his grave, and look who turned out to piss on it. "Absolutely nothing in Howard Zinn's intellectual output that is worthy of any kind of respect", blah blah blah. "A fringe mentality which has unfortunately seduced millions of people", blah blah blah. Y'know what, Dave? The exact same could be said of you right now, while you are living. No wait, I take that back. You haven't "seduced" anyone, let alone millions. You've got what--all of two dozen followers, all of them fellow overpaid right-wing stink-tankers just like you? It doesn't get more fringe-y or unworthy of respect than that. No wonder you're so bitter. You're bound for the worst fate known to Judaism: to die unremembered. But Professor Zinn, I'm glad to say, has left us a rich legacy, for which he will be honored and loved as long as there's anyone left who can read. And what he did with it was not "seduce" millions of people with his "fringe mentality", but fully inform them so that they could in turn formulate their own arguments, independently, to rebut right-wing sausage factories like yourself.

Next time, Dave, pick on someone who can fight back, you fucking coward.

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10. Fucking NPR also deserves blame for #9. "Balance and objectivity", blah blah blah. Where were their balance and objectivity when they produced no fewer than six obits, all laudatory, for William Fucking Buckley--who could, incidentally, be accurately described in the same terms Horowitz used to slam Zinn?

11. David Fucking Brooks. "Force the country to accept common sacrifice", blah blah blah. "Raise taxes on the lower 98 percent", blah blah blah. Yeah, great idea...tax those who are already in debt up to their eyeballs paying for the top two percent to go tax-free! Paging Matt Taibbi, we have a weenie seeking another atomic wedgie in Aisle Four...

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12. Scott Fucking Roeder. "Children in immediate danger", blah blah blah. "Doctor killing justified", blah blah blah. I'm only surprised it took longer for the jury to find him guilty than it took him to say all that ridiculous shit.

13. Rielle Fucking Hunter. "Private and personal", blah blah blah. "Intimate relationship", blah blah blah. Look, lady: If you don't want to be known for all eternity as the woman John Edwards betrayed his cancer-stricken wife with, you can do any one of the following: (a) Don't be that woman (recommended); (b) don't get pregnant, or (c) DON'T TAPE THE FREAKIN' EVIDENCE!

14. and 15. Barbara Fucking Kay and Kathy Fucking Shaidle. All the humorless blah-blah-blah you could possibly stomach, courtesy of Five Feet o' Fugly (to whom I won't link, as I refuse to give a platform to mad cow disease). What's really funny, as one of the Cynic's commenters points out, is that the former chose the latter's site to dump on Antonia Zerbisias for saying Fuck and horseshit in a tweet, when Ms. Five-Feet is full of both to the point where even a drunken sailor would find it embarrassing. (Come to think of it, maybe that's why her site had the dubious honor; the pearl-clutchings of La Kay could not be published in her usual slot at the National Pest because of the Eff Bomb, after all...)

And they think they're "ladies"? Well, here's something ladylike for the both of them:

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Failing that, I suggest carbolic soap: not for their mouths or their dirty, dirty keyboards, so much as their souls. There's a whole 'nother world of fugly in there!

And now, my friends, the moment you've all been waiting for. It's time for the booty call! Bow your heads...or DUCK 'em, as the case may be:

Good night everybody...and wankers, GET FUCKED!

January 23, 2010

Wankers of the Week: The Con is Wrong

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I know what you're thinking, gentle readers...the cons are always wrong. Couldn't agree with you more there. And who better to illustrate the wrongness of conservatism than this week's wieners...er, winners...

1. and 2. John Fucking Bracken and Michael Fucking Donison. Shit, why play by the rules and be honest when you're a federal Tory and, unlike your fund-starved rivals, you've got gobs of money to spend on crapaganda? No, better to just label the honest, by-the-book guys as "idiots" and "turds", even if they're your own confederates. The mafia-style vendetta you boys carried on is also a nice touch; reminds me of all the bitchy girls I used to loathe in high school. It just really puts the ass in class, you know?

3. The fucking Vatican. Hating on Avatar just because the big blue natives are nature-worshippers? Well, we know just how the Vatican would have made that movie, because we've already seen the real-life preview right here on Earth--with conquistadors coming to slaughter them all enslave them rob them blind bring them to the glorious light of Christ.

4. Scott Fucking Brown. Really, what else can you say about conservatism and Family Values when Massachusetts' top teabagger (and aspirant to the seat the late Ted Kennedy left behind) has posed nude for Cosmo?

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5. Anyone in Massachusetts who voted for the Naked Douchebag of 1982 is a fucking wanker, too. (Yes, Curling Iron Cretin, I'm talking about YOU.) Not to worry, he won't last long in power; that's obvious. He's no Ted Kennedy! And meanwhile, let's hope that the Mass Dems take something constructive away from this royal fuck-up.

6. David Fucking Brooks. Of all the wankish interpretations of why Haiti is in such deep shit right now, this one's second only to Patwa's. Claiming that Voudou "spreads the message that life is capricious and planning futile" is not only patently false (and contradicted by this news item), it's malicious and racist...and of course, it deliberately obfuscates the real reasons why Haiti is in a world of hurt, reasons I've been blogging for several days running, not to belabor a point or anything. Now where'd I put my David Fucking Brooks Voodoo Doll™?

7. Diane Fucking Finley. Like the entirety of the Tory minority in Parliament, she's drawing a full salary for not showing up to work until March. Maybe we, the taxpayers, should make it less lucrative for HER to sit at home not working? Just a thought.

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8. Helena Fucking Guergis, AGAIN. No, we are NOT pleased with the prorogation. Maybe you are, but you speak for nobody. And you make one helluva mockery of representative democracy when you project your own nonsense on the voters. I hope your riding trashes you in the next election. Which I'm rather hoping will be soon, even if we are all weary of Harpo's lame-assed attempts to get the majority he doesn't deserve and will never have.

9. Joe Fucking Lieberman, AGAIN. You'd think he might learn something from his own unpopularity across the entire political spectrum of Connecticut, but nooooo. Holy Joe thinks he's the example to follow! Never mind that his take on healthcare reform is based on a complete misreading of the will of the people, who not only wanted reform but wanted it to be radical and public, instead of the compulsory corporatism that was shoved down their throats in the biggest fucking bait-and-switch since Hillarycare. Joe's one weak teabag. He's also one big windbag. And one helluva douchebag. Come the next election, he's gonna wind up looking like a post-party piñata.

10. Ezra Fucking Levant. Being a pompous, bigoted little racist turd isn't illegal. But blogging malicious lies and innuendo to propagate one's pomposity, bigotry and racist turdery IS! Gosh, who knew? Uh, lawyers familiar with the concept of libel, that's who.

11. The Fucking SCOTUS. Corporate personhood is now officially the biggest mistake on the planet, because it has led to the most fucked-up ruling EVER. Yes, it's now perfectly legal for corporations to buy themselves a government--lock, stock and barrel. AND to call it Freedom of Speech.

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12. Tom Fucking Munson. Inscribing gunsights with biblical "codes". Yeah, that'll really help win a misbegotten war. Actually, the thing any real Christian would do is melt those fuckers down into plowshares!

13. Charles Fucking Dyer. Not only a teabagging, treason-mongering wanker, but apparently also a child molester. In other words, perverted all around.

14. Glenn Fucking Beck. This much obsession about other people's private parts...is also perverted as hell. Why do I get the feeling the lunatic teabag-in-chief actually has his own gonads in a vise?

15. Whoever the fuck called Christina Hendricks (and her gorgeous butterscotch dress) "big". So she's not a bone rack on heels--big whoop! Isn't it time the fashion fascists quit harassing women who aren't on some ditzy-making diet?

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And finally, to Bobby from Chicago, IP #99.140.166.3. I'm sure you're a great journalist already, Bobby--it must be why you offered nothing to my substantial piece in the way of rebuttal. Only patronizing snark. And of course, you did it again, too...under a different name and fake address, and IP#, 99.135.188.84. But the style is still the same.

You're gonna be one helluva man when you grow up, Bobby, or Barry, or whatever your real name is. Better do it fast, though, because the hot pic you sent me of yourself in action tells me there's not much time left on your clock...

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Good night, Booby--and get fucked!

January 16, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Bad judgment issue

Crank up the mood music, maestro...we need to let people know what kind of judgment is in store for the bad...

Yeah...blast those bastards!

Ahem. And now, order in the court! Oyez, oyez, oyez.

This has been a banner week, if you could call it that, for judges issuing bad decisions. Who knew that so much wanking could go on beneath judicial robes? Well, who but your Aunt Bina, who sits in informal judgment and can pass verdicts, if not sentences. Here's who gets hit with the old gavel this week:

1. Janice Fucking Rogers Brown. Remember when the Geneva Conventions were declared "quaint" by Dubya's legal advisors? Well, that decision has now been ratified regarding Gitmo, which Barack Obama promised to shut down. In-justice Rogers Brown has decided that not only is international human rights legislation "quaint", it's an "old wine skin" which is "ill-suited to the bitter wine of this new warfare." WTF? Since when is drinking allowed in court? And what the hell was in the booze these two out of three judges were guzzling?

2. Whoever the fuck is responsible for issuing this acquittal. Gross human rights abuses are apparently acceptable on a personal as well as a political scale, at least in the UAE--and at least, if you're a sheikh from a very wealthy ruling family, who takes a lot of seriously bad drugs and then claims them as his excuse for beating and torturing some poor bastard, on video, for three hours.

3. and 4. Michael Fucking Conahan and Mark Fucking Ciavarella, AGAIN. Ciavarella's latest episode of kids-for-kickbacks is one that should have him EATING crow, instead of forcing juveniles to count 'em to learn how many months they get sent to the slammer.

PS: Hey judge, count this!

5. BTW, Richard Fucking Caputo, the judge who earlier let Conahan and Ciavarella off the hook for the part in this kickback-sentencing scheme that took place inside the courtroom, is also a major, MAJOR fucking wanker. What part of "abuse of judicial authority" does he not understand?

6. Carolyn Fucking Mellanby. Apparently, if you are a Muslim, protesting war and killing during a military funeral procession in England makes you "guilty of threats". I'm so glad we have Madame Justice Mellanby to clarify that for us, aren't you?

7. Thomas Fucking Griesa. Yeah, freezing the Argentine Central Bank's funds is a terrific idea...if you don't give a shit about the lives, livelihoods and well-being of the people of Argentina. It's also a terrific idea if you want to look like a complete and utter crapitalist dick. Because, you know, all this fiscal juggling and jiggery-pokery, contrary to popular belief, is not all fun and market games. It has real world consequences, and they are devastating. Always nice to see judges so totally unconcerned that their actions could set off massive political instability and another possible military coup in a country with a long track record of just that, eh?

8. Robert Fucking Brown. A group-sex fantasy on the part of a victim does not excuse a gang rape on the part of the perps. In fact, sex and rape are two different things, but this judge isn't learned enough to know the difference. Let's just hope no one ever learns of his secret fantasy of, oh, say, sodomy involving a cricket bat...

9. through 13. The fucking conservative majority of the SCOTUS. Heaven forfend that even a small portion of the country get to see Prop Hate go on trial! I mean, it's only the most important marriage-rights case since Loving v. Virginia, after all. But since it's got to do with Teh Ghey, it has to be censored...because heaven forfend that children learn that gay people actually fall in love and want to get married, not just have sex-sex-SEX! (Or however the conservatard "logic" goes. I learned long ago that anything other than knee-jerk stupidity is not to be expected of these five guys.)

And finally, a non-judicial case of bad judgment à deux:

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Yep, that's Rush Fucking Limbaugh and Marion Fucking Robertson, both hating on Haiti. Neither of them has the guts to say nigger, but you can hear them thinking it every time they open their mouths on anything even remotely to do with race; everything they say about blacks is code-worded racism. And of course, Haiti being overwhelmingly black--and the cradle of independentist revolution in the Americas--these guys have nothing good to say about that impoverished country, and no words of solace or sympathy for its current misery. Neither of these racists can forgive those uppity niggruhs for standing up to bullies and setting a good example to the rest of the continent. And for that, no one should forgive them.

Good night, and get fucked, Rush and Patwa.

Court dismissed. Take it away, boys:

January 9, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Resolutions, schmesolutions!

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I have a terrible confession for you, folks: I don't make New Year's resolutions, and I never seriously did. And no, I don't think I'm perfect; it's a custom I just can't get into.

I don't recommend that anyone else do it either...except maybe these people, who might do a lot better if they'd just resolve to stop being such fucking wankers:

1. Brit Fucking Hume. Yeah, great idea, let's convert Tiger Woods to Christianity. Woo-hoo, "Jimmy Swaggart, Cablinasian Style"! Or, more to the point: Does anyone seriously still believe being "saved" will make any difference, other than to make the sinner more smugly insufferable than he was before? If the mental disciplines of Buddhism couldn't keep him on the level, I can't imagine that praisin' Juheezus--a distinctly unbalanced style, seesawing between sinnin' and repentin'--would do it any better.

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2. John Fucking Linder. Wankonomics in a (wing)nutshell: First, cut taxes on corporations. Then, loosen regulations so that they can downsize, outsource, etc. to the point where one in eight US adults, and one in four US children, depends on food stamps for survival. THEN, blame the victims, saying they must not want to work, and propose the "solution" of more tax cuts. To create more jobs. That don't pay enough to live on. In India, of course.

3. Melissa Fucking Clouthier. Alas for the Internets, there is no quarantine for people with a highly contagious case of Teh Stoopid. And no holistic remedies, either.

4. Thomas Fucking McInerney. Srsly, General, you're a real fuckin' perv. And you must really WANT blowback badly, if you're willing to go to such lengths to radicalize an already stigmatized group of people, who feel--not unjustly--that the western world really IS against them. And of course, you would be a FUX Snooze "analyst". Of course!

5. The Fucking Tea Party Gun Nuts. Ugly people in ugly shirts making ugly threats. With loaded weapons. At an ugly, UGLY demonstration. Presumably, this is to give themselves a "positive" image, although how such blatant intimidation can be construed in anything but a negative way is beyond me. Where the fuck were the police? And why were these fucknuts not in a Free Speech Zone?

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6. Newt Fucking Gingrich. As badly as Obama's mandate has been botched by concessions and attempts at bipartisanship with these fascistic soreheads and blatant vote-buyers, it's nothing compared to how badly this wanker and his tea-party brigade are going to lose this year's midterm elections...and deservedly so. Obama's '08 win is actually proof that Newt's Contract On America was overwhelmingly rejected by the voters, and Newt's the last one to admit it. He still thinks he stands a chance, bwahaha. What I don't get is why Obama still thinks any of these people are worth reaching out to. In his shoes, I'd be flipping 'em the bird. Especially for that "corrupted" bit at the end of Newt's sickly little screed.

7. and 8. Gilbert Fucking Arenas and Javaris Fucking Crittenton. Srsly, guys, gambling's not good for you. Neither is gunplay over a gambling debt. Both make you look like a couple of wankers.

9. Robert Fucking Hintze. Who died and appointed this assclown the judge of what's beautiful and who's not? Dude, pretty is as pretty does, and your business model is FUG-LY.

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10. Paul Fucking Hewson, AGAIN. He made more money than any other rocker last year, but he won't be content until he owns the Internets, it seems. Hey Bono, Courtney Love ate your lunch a decade ago.

11. Andrew Fucking Coyne. Yeah, we're so apathetic up here in the Great North...that when there's an avalanche of popular resentment that buries the Conservatives alive, it catches the most apathetic of us--that would be Tory hubris-heads like YOU, Andy--wayyyyyyy off guard. And forces them to eat their words. (Little salt with that? Some pepper, perchance? Spoonful of sugar? Bwahahahahahaha.)

12. And while we're on the subject of hubris, how about that Julian Fucking Fantino? Looks to me like he's about ripe for an avalanche of popular resentment, himself. My best friend writes:

Fantino is long overdue for a smackdown. Years ago, when he was working in the London Ontario police force, he was the leading man behind a program they had to entrap gay men and put them behind bars. Fantino even crowed about how he got the local newspapers to publish names and photos of the men he'd arrested (regardless of whether they were ever officially charged or found guilty) thus ruining lots of people's lives. That sort of crap would never be tolerated now -- and persecuting a minority group like that would definitely not be permitted either.

Funny how Fantino always has something going against minorities. Then it was gays, now it's Natives. And both groups have long memories when it comes to bigotry and outrage. Karma, baby.

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13. All these flying fuckers right here. People, don't check your good sense along with the baggage when you get on a plane. It's already stressful enough without you.

14. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Now we know he's senile--he forgets that the biggest terror attack in US history happened on his watch--and Dubya's. Let's just throw him in a room with all these other right wing dunces, and watch them fight over who gets to wear the pointy hat.

15. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Approval ratings in the shitter no matter whom you poll? Say it ain't so, Joe! But don't worry, there's a twelve-step program for that:

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16. Todd Fucking Harris. You know you're toast when even a fawning opportunistic screamer like Tweety--who spent the majority of the past decade with his lips suctioned onto Dubya's scrawny little scrotum like a remora--can pwn you. On national TV, yet.

17. John Fucking Campbell. Most US marines on shore leave in Australia are thankful that the local girls wear so little. Now, thanks to him, the scantily-clad sheilas going to be avoiding anything in a USMC uniform like it's radioactive--or liable to lecture them on "standards". Smooth move, Ex-Lax!

18. Sebastián Fucking Piñera. So it's "not a sin to have worked with Pinochet"? Tell that to the victims of his régime. And this is The Man Who Will Soon Rule Chile! I don't know him, but that's all I need to know in order to know that I hate this fucker already.

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And finally, to the wanking clown who told me to "tone it down". Dude, if this sad little site is your blog (I looked up the domain name on the e-mail addy you dropped), I can see that you like things deadly dull. But that's no excuse for insulting me with distinctly unconstructive criticism. I can do without patronizing bores like you telling me (FYI: 99th percentile IQ, member of Mensa throughout university, two degrees, a dozen languages and counting) that I'm "just not bright enough" to have opinions.

Good night, and get fucked!

UPDATE, 12:46 am: Oh lord, get a load of the Johnny-come-lately from Saskatoon who just jacked off on this thread here. I average at least one personal wanker a week, and the cowards always like to wait until the thread rolls off the front page before they strike. Not a wise move, as you can see--I have no qualms about linking back where and whenever it happens so that everyone else can snicker along at the troll's expense. BTW, the e-mail addy's a spoof...this wackaloon is on Shaw cable, IP # 70.76.69.170. (Anyone also wanna lay odds that the electricity he wasted in berating me was generated with nuclear fuel...MINED IN SASKATCHEWAN?)

January 2, 2010

Wankers of the Week: Crappy New Year Edition

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Happy Hangover Day! How's everyone's head? Still ringing? Well, now you know what they mean by "ringing in the New Year", eh?

Heh. At least the party's over, so there's nothing left to poop. (Other than the obvious.)

Meanwhile, here's who fucked your Aunt Bina's shit right up from last year into this...and who she's dumping on in return:

1. Mike Fucking Gallagher. Instead of racial or ethnic profiling of criminals, as Mikey-poo recommends, how about STUPIDITY profiling? This wingnut is so fucking dumb, he ought to be behind bars, preferably in solitary--and better still, incommunicado. Failing that, though, I'd like to see him tossed in a large holding cell with a whole lot of wrongfully-accused Muslims who are all too aware of the damage his crapaganda is doing in terms of their innocence. How long do you think he'd last?

2. Karl Fucking Rove. Watch out, ladies--Dubya's old pal Turdblossom just got a divorce, he hit on Randy Quaid's wife, AND he's got a self-important memoir coming out soon. I know you're all just horripilating in anticipation of what this pasty right-wing doughball is gonna do next!

3. Earl Fucking Woods. Yes, even from beyond the grave, this one's an unequivocal wanker. Not only did his multiple affairs scar his son for life, now Tiger's following his bad advice and walking in the old man's straying footsteps--and scarring his own kids for life. Way to go, Grandpa, you dearly departed douche! At this rate, there will be fucked-up Woods kids shambling through life until the end of fucking time.

4. Ivana Fucking Trump. Someone please get Da Donald to buy this woman her own LearJet so no one else will have to put up with her on an already stressful scheduled flight. Kthxbai.

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5. Jim Fucking DeMint. Now we know who to blame for that Christmas Day bomber-wannabe getting on that jet he wasn't supposed to be on. Seems that Jimbo thinks transportation safety is less important than union busting. Yeah, I bet the whole world feels so much safer knowing that underpaid, undertrained, disposable human beings are the ones watching al-Qaida for us, Jim. Viva fucking capitalism, goddamn it!

PS: And viva the racist blocking of qualified nominees, too.

6. Fucking "Bunny" from Parsons, Kansas. Yeah, go ahead and take your damn tree down out of spite over imaginary "death panels". You'd do better to go into a Big Insurance head office and take THEIR tree down, you stupid twat.

7. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Just what the world needs: one more fucking 'winger "news" website. Because the fucking conservative media's just not overcrowded enough with fucking conservatives. And because snotty, superannuated fratboys are just God's gift to us all.

8. George W. Fucking Bush. Yes, even out of power, this wanker somehow manages to fuck up an entire decade. Fittingly, it's terrorism all over again. Even more fittingly, it's BLOWBACK. Merry Christmas, USA--how about a little plane-bombing to fuck up your travel plans and everyone else's in the entire fucking WORLD?

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9. Orly Fucking Taitz. Lady, there's a name for what you're doing. It's called INCITING TERRORISM. It's also called MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF. Stop it and shut the fuck up!

10. Peter Fucking King. 100% of Islamic terrorists are Muslims? No fucking shit, Sherlock. But Muslims do not comprise 100% of terrorists, period. Also, the vast majority of the world's billion-plus Muslims have no interest in terrorism and no sympathy for those who perpetrate it. And your biggest domestic terrorism problem is still all those white supremacists, neo-Nazis, Michigan militia lard-asses, Aryan Nations, KKK, gun nuts, doctor-killers, teabaggers, birthers and other assorted wingnut wankers who no doubt heartily agree with you that all Muslims are terrorists. The problem is not "too much political correctness", it's too much political ignorance--like yours, you wanker!

11. George Fucking LeMieux. Self-important blowhard much? Helms-Burton is NOT about "commitment to democracy, human rights and the rule of law". It is a concerted effort to starve out the Cuban people so that their country can be annexed like another Puerto Rico--or reconverted into the mafia bordello of the Caribbean. And if you're going to talk about "leaders in nations that seek to destabilize the region", better look longer and harder at your own--they're responsible for more of it than anybody else, starting with the Monroe Doctrine.

12. Mary Fucking O'Grady. Clearly, she's caught Teh Paranoid from El Narco. That's what comes of masturbating together!

13. Stephen Fucking Harper. For the second time in a year, our petulant PM has prorogued Parliament for no good cause or plausible reason--other than, maybe, his own well-deserved crappy reputation following him around like a sack of shit. What's the matter, Stevie--afraid of a little thing called DEMOCRACY? (PS: What Heather said.)

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14. Manfred Fucking Reyes Villa. Another wanker who's not only afraid of democracy, he's also afraid of the cops (and the embezzlement charges we just know they're dying to lay on him). So afraid, in fact, that he buggered off all the way from Bolivia...to Washington, DC. Which makes absolutely no sense until you remember that that's where his puppetmasters live.

15. Ricardo Fucking Urbina. Thanks to this less-than-just judge, Blackwater just got off the hook for what it did in Iraq. There are no words for the outrage.

16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Of course the Pigman got the best possible care "right here in the United States of America." It's because he was in "socialist" Hawaii! Also, it's because he could afford the best no matter where he went. If he had to go where most of his dittoheads go when they get chest pains, he might not be so sanguine about it all. And of course he wasn't having a heart attack, either--there's nothing in there. Duh!

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17. All the fucking idiots in the media who said this is the end of the decade. Not quite, numbnuts. Since there's no such thing as the Year Zero, we have to count from the start of Year One. That means this is actually just the end of nine years into the new millennium, not ten. The real new decade doesn't start till 2011. So, kiddies, if you're looking forward to a Dickweeds of the Decade post on this blog, you're just gonna have to wait till the end of December. (Yep, I'm a mean, stickly bastardette that way.)

18. All the fucking banks and credit card companies who decided to celebrate the bogus recovery and get the jump on future rules with some very real and present consumer gouging. Too big to fail? Yeah, now we see how they got that way, and also why they're not worth rescuing with even a penny slug from taxpayers. What a way to treat the people who made them so goddamned profitable. There just aren't enough fuck-yous to go around, are there? (But thanks anyway, Courtney Love.)

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And finally, this fucking lamer from Peru, who came late to my party and puked all over himself while he was aiming for me. Sure must suck to be you, dude...you are defending the worst possible president. You're gonna have to do a lot more bending-over and ankle-grabbing down there in Lima next year, I can see that much in my magic crystal ball.

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BTW, I cleaned your vomit-stained shirt for you. And your clock.

Good night, and Crappy New Year!!!

December 26, 2009

Wankers of the Week: Boxing Day edition

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Or in the case of the faildude above, should that be boxer shorts edition? Whatever--here's this week's list of people who hung a bit too far out of their pants and frightened Santa's reindeer. I have just the lumps of coal for YOU, my uglies...

1. Tom Fucking Coburn. With "prayers" like his, who needs satanism? PS: Watch out what you pray for, teabaggers, you just might get it.

2. Ted Fucking Klaudt. No way am I respecting the supposed trademark on the name of this wanker. You rape foster kids, you don't get to keep your name out of the news, much less force people to pay for the privilege of using it to identify you as a child abuser. Oh, and get this: He was elected in South Dakota on a "family values" campaign. Nice values you got there, Ted!

3. Katherine Fucking Cole. Shit, who cares if Hispanic kids are being born with fatal defects? Why not expand that toxic waste dump? Of course your toxic waste dump is "safe"--for Anglos!

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4. The entire fucking Harper SupposiTory gummint. While Afghan prisoners are being tortured--by OUR troops as well as Afghan ones--guess who's swilling eggnog from the federal trough?

Man, would I ever love just ten minutes alone with Harpo. I'd feed him some 'nog, all right, but there wouldn't be any eggs in it. Just milk of magnesia. And castor oil. Ah yes, good ol' ugh-nog. Just like Great-Grandma used to do when the kids were behaving badly.

5. Lorne Fucking Gunter. Another humanity-hating grinch I'd like to feed ugh-nog to. Only in his case, I'd feed it to him up the back way, if you know what I mean.

6. Tyler Fucking Bridges. Not only does he have trouble spelling Lula's name, he also has trouble telling who's a former guerrilla in Latin America, and above all, tying all that into some contorted point or other he's straining to make. Now we know why the Miami Hairball bounced him. A picture of Tyler's logic follows...

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7. Stephen Fucking Harper. The Fail is strong in this one. And it's the only thing that is. In all other respects, Little Stevie Blunder is a gormless wimp. And nowhere was that more in evidence than in Copenhagen.

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. To all her other wanks, we can now add a new one, and the most scandalous of all: Abortion cover-up FAIL! No wonder she's scared shitless of bloggers. They have a funny way of ferreting out just what she does not want found.

9. Mike Fucking Francis. Harnessing Santa to the "War on Christmas" and "let's kill Hugo Chávez" memes? I don't care if it was done in jest, it's still a wank from where I sit. Colombia and the US are the aggressors against Venezuela, and that's no laughing matter. And only a dipshit would try to make it out to be funny.

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10. Bart Fucking Stupak. His name lends itself to "stupid" plays so well, does it not? Well, here's something else it will soon lend itself to: Being equated with that of Benedict Arnold.

11. The Fucking US Treasury Department. Do you seriously think a blank cheque to Fannie and Freddie is such a good idea when it's the people being foreclosed upon who are hurting the most, need the money more, and are asking for much, much less? Somebody in Washington does. That somebody, whoever he is, needs a whole sack of coals--dumped over top of him till he smothers.

12. Whoever the fuck is responsible for putting this dude on a terrorist watch list--and then not watching him closely enough, much less preventing him from flying. Way to defeat the purpose, ya fuckin' wankers.

13. Monica Fucking Crowley. Whine, whine, WHINE. First this dumb blonde and all her fellow FUX Snoozers pump the biggest Miserable Failure EVER, and now they complain about the guy who's tasked with cleaning up after him--and Katie Couric (who is hardly a liberal, by any but the loosest definition) for accurately pegging the teabaggers as rude, whiny, whipped-up louts? Where the hell were they when the same uncivil crowd was calling every leftist a terrorist? Oh yeah, I forgot...they were kneeling in front of Dubya's open fly, doing for him what the other Monica, the not-so-dumb brunette, did for Dubya's predecessor. And whipping up the rude, whiny louts. AND calling every leftist a terrorist.

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And finally, to the Wankin' Yank of Bremen, IP # 92.228.147.32. I don't know what possessed him to jerk off on not one, but two of my entries. And on Christmas Day, yet. Maybe Wanker #13 inspired him. Or maybe he thinks he has to do his part in the Fictitious War On Christmas, and that wanking over strangers' blogs is it. But it's clear from the splooge that this one's a racist, an anti-intellectual, a polluter, a teabagger and a moron (did I just repeat myself? I think I did. Oh well.)

I also don't know what the hell he's doing in my ancestral country, and in the fair Hansastadt (although I have a fair idea of what he does there in his spare time--something involving lots of beer, trenchcoats, parks and little kids, no doubt.) He's exactly the kind of Scheiß-Ami my German homefolks deeply despise, and one of these nights, on his way back from the beer hall, he just might get his ass deservedly kicked by the Town Musicians. But just in case they don't come through, here's his male-supremacist e-mail--as you can see, he's all talk and a small cock.

Good night, John Boy--and get fucked.

December 19, 2009

Wankers of the Week: Wankin' around the Xmas tree

First, a little mood music, to get us in the proper holiday spirit...

(And doesn't Billy Idol still look great for his age? Well, maybe a little stiff. And cartoony...)

Ah, Yuletide. 'Tis the season to be jolly, for most of us; for wankers, it's the most wonderful time of the year...to demonstrate how un-Christian they really are. And we got more of them than Santa has coals in his sack, kiddies. So here we go, with this week's dimmest-bulbs-on-the-ol'-green-tree:

1. Ray Fucking Comfort. Plagiarizing an evolutionist opponent to "refute" Charles Darwin with fundamentalist hogwash? The mind boggles.

2. Matthew Fucking Spalding. The Nobel Peace Prize is a "title of nobility"? Dude, if you're gonna style yourself a "constitutional scholar", the least you could do is learn the difference in spelling (and pronunciation!) between "noble" and "Nobel". You might also learn how to disentangle a cash award from a title (there is none attached to the million-dollar prize). And above all, when it comes to needing the consent of Congress in order to receive such an award, you might want to ask that other undeserving US Nobel winner, Henry Fucking Kissinger, if he had to go begging Congress for it!

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3. The fucking racists of Verona, Italy. I'm not sure what's so terrible about a non-white Nativity scene (hell, one of the Three Kings in the German ones my parents and grandparents had was always black!), but apparently a whole dang shebang with no white faces threatens some people terribly.

4. John Fucking Bolton. So, humans are "hard-wired for conflict"? Better not read what RickB has posted about the evidence for genetic altruism, then. After all, "Peace on Earth" is such an unnatural notion to Ol' Milk Mustache Man, who has made quite a lucrative career out of pursuing its polar opposite.

5. Fucking TIME magazine. Ben BernWANKe, Person of the Year. Srsly. I know, you're thinking "WTF, dude?" But srsly. They've picked a lot of wieners over the years, so this is actually par for the course. Doesn't make them any less wankish at any other time of the year, either, since they consistently get the majority of their foreign news wrong. But since it's practically an annual tradition for them to make piss-poor choices for their persons-of-the-year, let's just make it an annual tradition to piss on them here, eh?

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6. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Fortunately, Al Franken was on hand, taking time out from his Hanukkah dreidel-spinning to gavel this oh-so-deserving fucker down.

7. John Fucking McCain also gets a dishonorable mention--for blatant hypocrisy. I guess it's different when it's a turncoat Arschlecker like Lieberman, eh?

8. Larry Fucking Summers. So, women can't do math? That's funny, we're not the ones who "misplaced" a billion dollars at Hahvud by playing the debt-swapping markets. So glad I never bothered with that Ivy League MBA shit--it clearly stands for "Master of Bugger-All"!

9. Daniel Fucking Petit. Because "patriotism" and "supporting the troops" are clearly synonymous with turning a blind eye to human rights abuses and stonewalling in Parliament.

10. Stephen Fucking Harper. Because the best way to boost Canada's profile in the world is to turn a blind eye to human rights abuses in Afghanistan AND climate change both, instead of boldly facing them head-on and NOT toadying to the Yanks.

11. In fact, the entire fucking Conservative party are wankers and deserve the following fate:

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...and if it reminds you of anything, fellas, take a lesson from the sad fate of your historical antecedents now, and quit the wanking while you still can.

12. Adrian Fucking MacNair. Wanna talk about Canadians who hate Canada, Adrian? Look in the mirror and describe what you see. You must not value our country very much if you vilify a fellow countryman as a commie just for telling the unhappy truth (and doing a better job of it than you with your shit, if truth be told). Our collective dependence on fossil fuel and crapitalism is losing us sovereignty over our own Arctic as the polar ice melts, and melts, and melts. Even your beloved Tories have a problem with this. Yeah, go right ahead and deny global warming, too, but just remember: Capitalism can't save you from the effects of it--WANKER.

13. James Fucking Inhofe. Another wanker who thinks denial is a river in Egypt. He was too much even for the journo from Germany's oh-so-crapitalist Der Spiegel to take. Unnamed journo called him "ridiculous", right in Der Inhofe's face. Whoever that Krazy Kraut was, he's my newest hero. Vielen Dank!

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14. Alexander Fucking Cockburn. Sorry, dude, but when you drink the conservative Kool-Aid on global warming, you get to stand in the same corner as all the other wankers up there in front of you, and you get to share the same dunce cap. Tell the people of Bolivia they have nothing to worry about when man-made global warming is robbing them of a major source of their water--I'm sure they'll be happy to hear your "scientific facts", assuming they stop laughing long enough to hear you out. Maybe, if you're extra-convincing, they might even take you skiing on the Chacaltaya Glacier!

15. Jeff Fucking Valletine. So, Sarah Fucking Palin "is a strong personality who brings out lots of opinions from lots of folks"? That's a mighty curious thing to say about a batshit-crazy woman who says, in all seriousness, that Canada should "dismantle" its healthcare system and let the profiteers in. And who also claims that our "socialized" single-payer system is mandating "death panels" at hospitals caring for senior citizens...hospitals like the one Jeff Fucking Valletine just happens to be speaking for. The same that dropped her like a hot cowpie, probably for that very reason. And probably also for the salient fact that her $200,000 speaker's fee would have consumed all the funds (1000 plates @ $200 apiece; do the math!) they were trying to raise for the new equipment they need, which our oh-so-socialist federal (Conservative) and provincial (Liberal) governments aren't forking out the money for. But yeah, let's just go with the "strong personality" theory, and assume that Canadians are idiots who can't do basic math, never learned history, and don't consider Tommy Douglas the greatest of us all.

16. Laurie Fucking Hawn. For urinating all over the intelligence of the Canadian public. This public understands full well that the federal Conservatives have been covering up evidence of torture in Afghanistan--torture in which our troops have been made complicit by handing over prisoners of war to the local authorities. Perhaps we should hand MP Hawn over too, and see what he says then.

EDIT: Oh shit, it gets worse!

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17. Jim Fucking DeMint. File under "not clear on the concept", the concept in question being "good faith".

18. Jason Fucking Kenney. Same drawer; concept being what constitutes antisemitism.

19. Barack Fucking Obama. Same drawer also; concept being PEACE. How's about handing that million-dollar Nobel over to the Taliban, along with all the other cash going along with that 30,000-troop "surge"? You might as well, because that's where it all ends up.

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20. Ben Fucking Nelson. Because the "true meaning of Christmas" is keeping women under the bootheel of the male-dominated state, and the people without single-payer healthcare. For "moral reasons", natch.

21. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. See above, and add loud barnyard noises. And drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

22. Tom Fucking Coburn. See #20, and add copy of US constitution stained with fecal matter and vomit. Meanwhile, the GOP has just lost one of its own over the very "mission" of which the lunatic speaketh.

23. Chris Fucking Matthews. Because the progressive netroots "get their giggles from sitting in the backseat and bitching." As opposed to himself, who gets his by sitting in front of a camera and doing the exact same--FOR MONEY. But since he does it on behalf of the establishment, who are staunchly anti-progress, why, that makes it all dignified, decorous and right!

24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Honestly, why anyone still thinks this woman is smart is beyond me. Why not just tattoo a huge red FAIL on her forehead?

25. Christopher Fucking Monckton, a.k.a. the Third Viscount de Bumfucque and Buggery-on-Thames. Nice to know that good old English class snobbery is alive and well, and that there is still some outrage to be mustered at those horrible, gauche Danish police, who beat on the titled and the untitled alike. Now where's the G and T, His Lordship has the vapors! Pip, pip...

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And finally, to Mikey the Moron at 24.129.188.34, for the following lovely (and charitable!) Yuletide sentiment, which I've put in my spam filter. See if you can guess why:

Damn right, I work for my money and got an education, I see people in poor hoods with cars better than mine, and $2,000 dollars worth of gold in and on thier bidy that they paid for with my tax dollars called welfare. I think everyone should pay taxes, even if you earn $1.00 a year. But it goes for all races and la razas

He dropped that on this entry, which, as you can see, has fuck-all to do with black people and Hispanics. I deleted his racist Reaganite rant from there because it's totally off topic and sounds like it came from some bum strung out on meth, typing from a dumpster behind the 7-11. (Probably did, at that.)

You can e-mail him here, or visit his shitty blog and drop a little mistletoe on his head--tied to a solid gold brick, of course.

Hey Mikey, here are my holiday greetings to you:

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The sincerest one, of course, comes from the cat.

Good night, and get fucked.

December 12, 2009

Wankers of the Week: Misogynists and Enablers edition

Yes, kiddies, this week is special. In memory of the Montréal Massacre 20 years ago, and its ongoing fallout today, I decided to devote an entire wank-list to those who hate women, and those who enable the woman-haters to injure and kill. It's not enough to remember one mass murder just because it was so dramatic; it's also important to remember the sneaks, skanks and skunks who enable all kinds of misogynistic violence, because the Massacre was anything but an isolated event--it was the product of a culture geared toward the degradation of women, and denial of that same. Here they come, in no particular order:

1. Helena Fucking Guergis, again. Not content to make a mockery of the Massacre with her cheap, mealy-mouthed spectacle in Parliament, Helena Handbasket has decided to take it one wank further with a letter to the editors of the Toronto Star, in which she further cheapens and demeans the memories of the dead by using them and other victims of violence for clearly partisan purposes. Gee, Helena, what happened? I thought you were supposed to be above "partisan gamesmanship". Oh--I get it. You're above OTHER parties' supposed partisan gamesmanship. Yours? That's different. You're a Conservative, so that doesn't count!

2. Norman Fucking Spector. No, murderous gynophobic rampages aren't in the genes. They don't have fuck-all to do with "race". Nor are they the product of any single culture, unless you're talking about patriarchy, which is a cultural element as common as dirt throughout the world.

3. William Fucking Gairdner. Ah yes, the founding father of Reform-a-SupposiTorydom has decided to croak up bilge at us from his bed in the nursing home for the decrepit criminally insane. Why isn't he dead yet? Probably because he still has too much bile and blame to vomit all over us bad, bad feministas. Of course, you can guess who HE blames for the Montréal Massacre.

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4. Hiram Fucking Monserrate. What's wrong with this unevolved DINO? Oh lord, what isn't? He's a homophobe, a proponent of "traditional marriage". So it comes as an interesting surprise to hear that he beat the shit out of his common-law partner about a year ago--for merely having another man's business card in her bag (which he was NOT entitled to snoop through, incidentally). What? He's not traditionally married to the woman he battered? Well, not to worry: He plans to make it all up by marrying her. If I were in her shoes, I'd be running the other way screaming, not begging to be allowed back into his clutches. It's not a question of whether he'll abuse her again, but WHEN.

5. The Fucking Blogging Tories. I wonder: would they be so indifferent to the murders of 14 women if those women were the last 14 left on Earth? Oh, probably. Because everyone knows that happiness is a warm gun...snuggled up right next to your big blue balls, eh boys?

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6. Margaret Fucking Wente. Excuse me, what is this "death cult" of which you write, Ms. Wente? Do you seriously believe that just because you got yours, there is no misogyny for the rest of us to fight against? Fuck you, Margaret. And fuck your fucking smugness. Fuck your denials. Fuck your Fifties mentality. But most of all, fuck you.

7. The Fucking Perth County Council. No flags at half-mast, because women don't count for shit in Perth County. Never mind that the excuse is stupid. Never mind that it doesn't cost more than a minute's time to lower them. Women aren't even worth that teeny, tiny token gesture. Isn't it lovely to know that, O ye women of Perth County?

8. Barbara Fucking Kay. Excuse me, what is this "moral pogrom against men" of which you write, Ms. Kay? And why is it "time to end" that nonexistent pogrom? Kind of strange to declare an end to a nonexistent thing, isn't it? Why are you so fucking stupid as to think that being pro-woman automatically means being anti-man, Ms. Kay? Janet Bagnall gets it, so why not you? So does this unnamed editorialist for your own news service. So, why not you?

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9. Sylvie Fucking Boucher. For not understanding that gun control IS law and order. For enabling killers. And for playing self-serving, partisan politics over the corpses of 14 women. Thanks a lot for the injustice, madame.

10. Kelly Fucking McParland. So, the opposition protest against the Tory wank is a "cheap stunt". You wanna know what's really a cheap stunt? Your shots at those who really understand the issues. Figures that you write for the National Fucking Post--that entire paper is one big fat cheap stunt. Can't wait for it to die, and I hope you for one stay out of work.

11. Dennis Fucking Pakkala. Google his name, and you'll find all the stupid, wankish comments you could possibly want. And then some. The fucker is all over the place, proving feminists right every time he tries to prove them wrong. I don't know who he is, but I get the feeling he's bitter and a misogynist. No wonder he feels such a compulsive need to masturbate in public.

12. Jean-Claude Fucking Rochefort. Uttering death threats via your sick-ass blog dedicated to a murderer, then trying to pass it off as a "joke"? That has got to be the ULTIMATE wankery.

And finally, anyone who thinks that feminism is dead, or that feminists should be. Your karmic destiny? Exactly what you think it should be for us uppity wimmin.

Good night, and get fucked!

December 5, 2009

Wankers of the Week: Hands Off edition

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Yes, kiddies, it's that time of the week again...the time where we tell people to take it off the street and stop scaring the horses. Here's who needs to unhand their genitalia this week, prontissimo:

1. Ian Fucking Kelly. Not only is he a wanker, he's delusional. And he really needs to stop sharing his sexual fantasies regarding Honduras. They're squicking the real Hondurans out!

2. Helena Fucking Guergis. Making a mockery of the Montreal Massacre in Parliament while depriving the Status of Women office of funding? Stay classy, Helena. Better still, just keep your fingers off the trappings of feminism. You're not worthy to talk about what's "above partisan games", especially when your own party is the one playing the game so dirty.

2 1/2. Candice Fucking Hoeppner is also worth a dishonorable mention.

3. The entire fucking Maricopa County Sheriff's Office. Disrupting the due process of justice by faking sick on days they have to appear in court, of all times? That's a major, major wank. That's also contempt. I say they should do time the way Sheriff Joe Fucking Arpaio makes prisoners do!

4. Ann Fucking Coulter. Yeah, I know: The Coultergeist is a wanker all the time. What makes her a particularly noteworthy one right now? Take your pick of all the countless dumb-bombs she drops during the interview at the link. My personal fave was the moronic assertion that all presidential assassins were liberals. Oh yeah, because liberals just love to play with guns at tea parties where they wave threatening placards, eh Ann?

5. and 6.Rush Fucking Limbaugh and Glenn Fucking Beck. Most influential conservatives? Biggest fucking wankers EVER, is more like it.

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7. Javier Fucking Lozano Barragan. So queers won't enter heaven, says yet another queeny old man in a red gown? How the fuck does HE know? Too busy making life on Earth hell for them to even see them as human, I guess. PS: nice job of crediting other sources for your homophobia, bub.

8. Tiger Fucking Woods. A "wholesome" phony all along? Say it ain't so! Never mind who he's screwing in private, he's fucking with everyone in public. Suddenly, we have an inkling of why Chavecito, Fidel and Che mocked the world's most bourgeois (and grossly overrated) "sport", eh?

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9. Jacob Fucking Zuma. It takes a village to renovate a house...at least if you're a polygamist masquerading as a president in South Africa. And while fellow South Africans are forced to do without such basics as electricity, water, phone service and affordable healthcare, he makes the taxpayer foot the bill, too. There just are no words for the ineffable charm...

10. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. He wuz mobbed up all along? I'm shocked. SHOCKED, I tellz ya...

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11. Lanny Fucking Davis. His latest bloviation is blatantly inaccurate and stupidly self-serving. Suffice to say he doesn't know where the centre is, much less the left. Both he AND Obama are now plainly on the right, and they are the only ones who don't know it yet. (Suddenly we all know why Bill Ayers is protesting, eh?)

12. Sarah Fucking Palin. How many wanks this week? I've lost count, again. Even bigger wankers, however, are those who want this idiotess to run in 2012. At that rate, the world WILL end, no doubt about it.

13. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Rio wants him to come down and help them fight crime? They forget on whose watch 9-11 happened. Remember that day when police and firefighters died because they simply couldn't talk to one another--they didn't have an effective radio system? That death came courtesy of their cheap-ass mayor. Who now shamelessly exploits that day to deflect criticism over everything from his own character flaws to those of his mafia pals, such as Bernie Fucking Kerik.

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14. Glenda Fucking Stone. Anyone besides me find it ironic that "Labour's ambassador for women at work" gives her (female) assistants such a hard time that their desk is referred to as "the revolving door"? Surely there aren't that many bad personal assistants in Britain. Must be the boss, then. PS to Glenda: Don't wear glittery strapless dresses, they don't suit you.

15. Manuel Fucking Rosales. Oh look, Burusas the Bandit is masturbating before the Hudson Institute in Washington! Why, oh WHY am I not surprised that he'd whip it out in there?

And finally, the Pest from Buda. Take a hint and stay away if you don't like what's being said here. Don't come back to play with your privates. I'm not interested in your drama.

Good night, and get fucked.

November 28, 2009

Wanker of the Week: Singularly stupid edition

A little mood music, maestro...

Yes, kiddies, this week's post is gonna be a little different. This one will consist of only one wanker, but I'm sure you'll agree with me that this wanker has it coming.

Bright and early on Monday morning, when I usually start gathering links for this list, I opened my e-mail box and found six messages from the same address. They were all helpfully labelled spam by my mailbox, but they hadn't been plonked by my blogware. (This is a problem I've had quite a bit with the latest edition of Movable Type; I've since managed to figure out what was the matter with the anti-spam function, and to set the filter for more aggressive action. Some still gets through, but I'm seeing fewer repeat offenders. That's progress, I guess.)

Now, this didn't upset me much--at first. I was only mildly annoyed, because I figured that they would be the usual spammy pseudo-comments, the kind that peddle Viagra or its clones. There was, by coincidence, another spam from an entirely different spammer also waiting to be marked as such. So I prepared to flush them all en masse from my comment-management page.

But then I took a closer look and realized that I wasn't dealing with the usual crap merchants. Whoever had sent these messages, they had targeted not just any random viewer, but me and whoever reads my blog. They had all landed on this entry--fittingly titled Vampire Bat Report. The entry--which briefly mentions the murder, by terrorists, of Evo Morales's elderly, defenceless aunt--had attracted a bat from no less vampiric a place than good ol' Transylvania. The IP number from which the troll wrote is 89.133.131.83, which I traced to Budapest, Hungary.

Those who've been reading me regularly will recall that since April, I've been tracking and translating news items (starting with this one) about the Bolivian federal police's excellent work in busting a terror cell composed of foreign mercenaries. That's where the Hungarian connection ties in. The mercenaries happened to be led by a Bolivia-born Hungarian national who had also been given Croatian citizenship after participating in the Balkan conflicts of the early 1990s--a conflict in which Croatia split off from what was then still Yugoslavia. (He was working as a mercenary then, too.) The cell's objective was to spark a civil war, which their wealthy fascist financiers had hoped would enable the wealthy eastern part of Bolivia, known as the Media Luna ("Half Moon") to separate from the rest of the country--much like Croatia from Yugoslavia, in other words.

Unfortunately for them, but very fortunately for Bolivia as a whole, it was an epic fail--the federales surprised the heavily-armed mercenaries (who had the charmingly paranoid habit of sleeping with their guns) in a hotel in lovely downtown Santa Cruz in the middle of the night. A shoot-out ensued, and three of the mercenaries were killed, including their Bolivian-Hungarian-Croatian leader; two more were arrested and are currently awaiting trial. The arrested men have named several accomplices, who in turn have fingered the cell's financiers. (You can read more about one of them, and their prominent spook pal--a former US ambassador to Croatia, as it happens--here.) The separatists' hopes have been further crushed by the refusal of any legitimate international organization to recognize the Media Luna as a nation. And worst of all for anyone who still thinks balkanization can happen, there is the salient fact that Evo Morales--the most popular elected leader in all of Bolivian history--is popular throughout the country. Even in the Media Luna, he is extremely well liked by indigenous and white people alike. He is on his way to an easy re-election, which he will probably win by an even wider margin than his original election in 2005.

Now, given that backgrounder, you can pretty well guess that the opposition are getting desperate. El Duderino has already noted that they have resorted to violence, knowing that none of their candidates are popular enough to make inroads against Evo. In Bolivia, that means beating up on anyone they can find who has a brown face and is dressed in some traditional indigenous fashion. It also means anonymous death threats, and other assorted forms of intimidation...

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Which leads me rather nicely to this troll and what it's been trying to do around here since early Monday morning.

In case you can't read Spanish, and you're wondering just what the troll had to say, it's all bullshit. I won't bother to translate or rebut it; it's not worth the trouble. I left the guano up just so people can see it (if they can read Spanish, and they're of a mind to witness someone else's mental breakdown), but closed the entry to prevent more of the same.

Well, it didn't.

The troll, being the persistent little shit-stain it is, found other entries to leave its crap on. All of them had to do with Evo or the terror cell in one way or another. It pasted in what appears to be an English translation of the same shit that appeared in the six original spam posts. When I made it plain that I had seen and removed it, and saved the notification e-mails for evidence purposes, that's when things got truly nasty--and personal. The troll went berserk, posting all kinds of vile abusive drivel, and claiming, even more vilely, to be the mother of one of the dead would-be assassins. A sampling of its hysteria follows:

Bolivia and the shameful "president" Morales, a homicidal killer assasin feel soon a "hands of justice"!

Muerte a asesinos!
JUSTICIA!

* * *

Sabina C. Becker!
You uneducated biach!

I wish for you: the cruel, brutal death of your child!
Soon!

I wish for you: the cruel, brutal death of your child!
Soon!

I wish for you: the cruel, brutal death of your child!
Soon!

God help me!
Mother of Árpád assassinated!

Now, that just stinks to high heaven--a real grieving mother, one would think, would withdraw to heal, not cyber-stalk complete strangers and the president of Bolivia with death threats and intimidation and ineffectual curses. (I can just picture some old, wrinkled woman in a babushka saying that, in the same tone as she might say "Gypsy, ptuh!")

I removed all of these troll-posts except that one, which you can see here. That one was left, I later found out, using a forged Hotmail address; I had contacted Hotmail to let them know of the abuse, and they notified me that the address didn't exist. Sort of tells you something about the character of Internet trolls, doesn't it?

The troll also repeated the invective on Powers & Morrison, a progressive news site that syndicates me. I received the following notification, one of two, again, by e-mail:

You immoral, uneducated biatch!

I whish you a death of your child very soon!

I whish you a death of your child very soon!

I whish you a death of your child very soon!

Megátkozlak, dögölj meg, Isten engem úgy segéljen!
Dögölj meg, és a gyermeked is!

Classy, no? This is who Branko and Rubén hire to do their dirty work, intimidating complete strangers. Gotta love 'em.

And don't you love how this "moral, educated" person can't even spell what it so courteously calls me? (It's B-I-T-C-H, and it stands for Bina In Total Control Here--bitch!) Yeah, God's really gonna reward them for that.

That was one; the other was a bunch of links to putrid oppo sites from Bolivia not worth reproducing here, full of false charges and dirty disinformation. I'm not going to bother disseminating any of that dreck. Oh yeah, and more charming Hungarian invective, which rolls off me like water off a duck, seeing as I don't speak a word of the language and couldn't care less what this classless cretin chooses to call me. (If this person were truly educated, s/he might recall that Hungary wouldn't ever have gotten paprika if not for the indigenous people of the Andes--particularly Bolivia. They were the first ones to cultivate the stuff, which is certainly not native to Hungary. And s/he wouldn't be such a fucking racist, either.)

The final message from The Mother of Arpad the Assassin was this one:

Sabina, you disgusting whore, be a damned! I coming! You come with me into the cemetary! Be a damned you and your child, your family!

All your base are belong to us! Booogaboogabooga!!!

Yeah, whatever. You can go to the cemetery if you want; I'm staying right where I am. Your silly threats don't scare me any more than your shrieks for "justice" (that is, MURDER) move me. The Europarliament isn't listening to you, either. They are in Bolivia right now, observing the elections, which I can tell you will show no irregularities, just a decisive win for the man you futilely execrate here. The yelling of a lunatic is just a lunatic's yelling, at the end of the day.

Except for the one from the forged Hotmail addy, the droppings were all left by someone writing from this address: fiuka1@yahoo.com. So far, Yahoo has not been able to confirm or deny the existence of this account; they tell me there's a problem with the headers (surprise, surprise).

I do not believe that this person is who they claim to be, but on the slim chance that they are, they should be thoroughly ashamed. This is conduct entirely unbecoming. And yes, I dug out that vile crap explicitly to shame them. I do not believe in letting people get away with anonymous intimidation on the Internet no matter who they are. (Plus, I'm hoping that some English-speaking Hungarian cop sees this and acts accordingly. I'm going waaaayyyyy out on a limb and guessing that harassment and death threats are against the law over there, too.)

Finally, another little musical dedication. If this person is really Hungarian, there's a better than average chance that they understand German...

Good night, and may you get arrested, whoever you are. Maybe then you'll finally get the psychiatric help you so obviously need.

November 21, 2009

Wankers of the Week: Unpardonable turkeys edition

Remember this? A whole bunch of dead turkeys don't, ha ha...

Yes, by all means, pardon the turkey if you're so inclined (or not!)...but don't you dare pardon any of these fowl evildoers, gentle readers...

1. Sarah Fucking Palin, for the umpteen hundred and umpty-umpth fucking time. What is it this time? Well, she's facile, disingenuous, vain, stupid as sailor's shit...and those are just her good points. She's also petty and vindictive, and oh yeah, didja know she refused to shake Ollie Stone's hand...because it had touched the hand of a competent, non-quitting, real leader? Oh, the HORROR! At this rate, her parvulum opus will be in the remainder bin before the Macy's parade is over.

2. Lynn Fucking Vincent. The Paliness's uncredited ghostwriter (her name appears nowhere on the cover of the screed she pooped out on you-know-whose behalf) is a closeted homophobe who doesn't have the guts to come right out and say it. All she can do is shuck, jive and prevaricate, just like her "collaborator". And act all hurt when no one believes a word of it.

Well, duh--her "some of my best friends" defensiveness should be mocked, because it deserves it. Would a true friend of the gays write something like this?

The homosexual ethos depends on an abandonment of truth ... [T]he gay quest for "civil rights" bears little resemblance to the struggles of blacks and suffragists, whose eventual liberation benefited society at large. Instead, it calls up the American communists of the '50s and '60s who, in order to advance the radical interests of a narrow group, created a spurious "victim class," then convinced America that theirs was the side of justice.

That, my friends, is vintage Lynn Vincent. That's what she really thinks of "some of her best friends". Lovely, isn't it?

(PS: Guess who her REAL best friends are. No, srsly. Guess!)

3. Kate Fucking Moss. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"? Big words from a coked-out prune who's afraid to taste anything.

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Nice nose, Katie. Bet it got you a lot of modelling work.

4. Dino Fucking Babic. You know you're a serious wanker when you kill your own mother...for catching you wanking. Now, the whole world knows!

5. and 6. Sharon Fucking Cook and Barbara Fucking Boisvert. ZOMG nudity! Oh, the HORROR! Most of us are glad kids are reading, and yes, comic books qualify as such. So an 11-year-old wants to read some rather mature material--so what? If she can't handle it, she'll close the book and bring it back, and that will be that. Censoring library books by keeping them out of circulation--now THERE's some scarifying shit!

7. Adam Fucking Studdard. Dude, you may be Sheriff Joe Arpaio's deputy, but stealing is still stealing--even if "the law" does it!

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8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. ZOMG a TRIAL! For a TERRORIST! Due process! Oh, the HORROR! (What is this, a DEMOCRACY? HERESY!!!)

9. Bill Fucking Kristol. ZOMG a TRIAL! For the FORT HOOD SHOOTER! Due process! Oh, the HORROR! What is this, etc.

10. Shimon Fucking Peres. Worst Political Prognosticator EVER. If you think Venezuela will "soon get tired" of Chavecito, you obviously haven't seen his latest poll numbers. Bet they're better than yours, Shim-Sham. PS: You don't get to vote in those polls, so don't waste your breath pretending you can, or telling others how they should vote. And what's this shit about Venezuela's freely elected (and very hard-working) parliament being "not a serious government"? Coming from someone whose own "popularity" rests not on fair redistribution of oil money or any of the other benefits of the state, but on displacing and bombing Palestinians (and babbling disingenuous bullshit about it all), that's fucking RICH.

BTW, here's the reception he got in Argentina this week:

Ooooooo....owwwwwww. Ha, ha.

(Special thanks to Utpal for pointing out to me that Peres is also the Father of the Israeli Nuke. No, I'm not kidding.)

11. Levi Fucking Johnston. Posing for Playgirl, but NOT going full-frontal? I cry FOWL!!! Er...foul...er, let's tar and feather the knave. And save your money for fireman charity calendars, ladies and gay gents.

12. Fucking Blue Cross. 12-year-old kid in need of prosthetic arm...won't be getting one, because Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan charges an arm and a leg, and won't pay out for either anymore. That's right, private insurers ration care. Shocking, huh? Yeah, that "public option" is just looking more and more fascist all the time.

13. All the right-wing fuglies acknowledged (first names only!) by that faux-folksy cowardess, Sarah Fucking Palin, in her ghostwritten fucking book. Among the "journalists" she's on a first name basis with are a shock-jock who makes jokes about her cancer-stricken rival, an apologist for marital rape, and a misogynist who freeps any woman who dares to protest the poor, oppressed Paliness. She sure knows how to pick the wieners--er, winners--doesn't she?

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(The book might become an accidental bestseller, though, for sheer novelty value--a current Internet game is to see how many self-contradictory whoppers you can find in its pages. And other fun shit like that.)

14. Whoever the fuck threatened the Port Huron (Michigan) Times-Herald with "another Fort Hood". For what? For criticizing a teabagging local politician. Yeah, those teabags are just all class. And they wonder why sane people call them the Yanqui Taliban?

15. BTW, that teabagging politico? That would be Candice Fucking Miller. I think you'll agree that she's worthy to be listed here when you look at the company she keeps. (Not to mention her anonymous fans who phone in those oh-so-classy death threats to newspaper offices.)

16. Peter Fucking MacKay (and all the rest of the SupposiTories on Parliament Hill). Covering up what Richard Colvin repeatedly told them about prisoners the Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan had handed over to the notably corrupt Afghan "authorities", who tortured them? That has got to be the most unpardonable thing of all. These so-called elected officials of ours were in a position to do something to stop it, and they FAILED. Time to get our forces the hell out of Afghanistan before they become complicit--knowingly or not--in more of the same, or worse. The only way to do that is to sweep these lowlives out of office for good and never elect another one.

And finally, the "Little Big Man" troll from San Jose, California, IP # 17.184.103.123. Little PENIS Man would be more like it. Funny how they always wait until an entry has rolled off the front page before shitting on it, eh? Yeah, that takes guts. You can e-mail him here (assuming it's not fake) to let him know what you think of his big, brawny courage. (His real ISP is Apple Computer Inc., BTW. Tsk, tsk. Looks like the "lulz" on you, Inhumano, pal!)

Good night, and get stuffed.

November 14, 2009

Wankers of the Week: Forgettance Day edition

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Yes, I know--a little late for Remembrance Day. Just like those below. Somebody, please, give these people a dose. Maybe then they'll remember not to be such fucking wankers:

1. Mika Fucking Brzezinski. Looks like she inherited one thing from her old man: a knack for giving out turds highly polished to look like brilliant advice. (His "advice" to Jimmy Carter is what turned Afghanistan into the ungovernable hell-hole it is today.) Her "great life advice" for young women and girls? Get married, make babies before you're thirty-five (because everyone knows your ovaries will dry up overnight once you're past that sell-by date, right?), but don't worry about having a career in place to support those costly kids first (or to fall back on should your marriage fail), because jobs are easier to find than husbands.

So, what's Mika's problem? It's multifold: She forgets that decent, well-paid jobs are actually almost impossible to find now (unlike men, who comprise half the world's adult human population.) She also forgets that anything that takes away your "edge" (such as waiting to re-enter the workforce because you preferred to be married and have kids) is gonna make it that much harder to get anywhere, much less where you want to be. She also forgets that some of us heard all this "advice" and rolled our big brown eyes at it more than 20 years ago!

2. Mark Fucking Noonan. For forgetting that TORTURE DOES NOT WORK. Read about this remarkable interrogator if you don't believe me. He found out something that should be required reading in every high school history class: Reliable intelligence can only be obtained if you question people with humanity and respect. He got truthful answers out of them every time. Something which Noonan--apparently suffering from historical amnesia, as well as just plain being a right-wing dumbass--has conveniently forgotten. Or maybe, like a "good" torture victim, he's just programmed to spout junk automatically. You know what they say--Garbage In, Garbage Out!

3. John Fucking Boehner. Lemme see if I got this straight: Ol' Man-Tan has spent 19 years squatting in the United States Congress, and he thinks a healthcare bill is "the greatest threat to freedom I've seen" in all that time? Either he hasn't seen much, or he's forgetting something--like, oh, say, the USA PATRIOT act.

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4. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. He must be getting senile in his old age, because he's forgotten that you can't own the entire fucking Internets, much less make 'em pay you for your crap.

5. and 6. and 7. Gary Fucking Jackson, Cofer Fucking Black, and Erik Fucking Prince. How much blood money is Blackwater paying to Iraq? Not nearly enough. Bastards are still turning a tidy profit. Bet they've forgotten the names of all the Iraqis they've killed...if they even knew them to begin with!

8. Lanny Fucking Davis. He still doesn't remember who's the real president of Honduras. Or that elections called by a dictator are not democratic. Or that he himself is a fucking douchebag.

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9. Pat Fucking Robertson. He forgets that Islam IS a religion, and a rather large one at that (covering about one-sixth of the Earth's population, give or take a bit